Feel the Tide
by imahistorian
Summary: A series of seemingly unconnected murders of Marine Corps officers sends the NCIS team chasing leads, takes Kensi and Deeks undercover, bringing to light surprising pieces of Deeks' past, forcing Kensi and Deeks to face difficult decisions and personal demons, and leading to unexpected truths. Sequel to Truth Be Told.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Feel the Tide  
**Author: **Mel  
**Rating: **T for language and adult situations  
**Disclaimer: **Surprise, surprise, if you recognize them, they don't belong to me. But the Keppingers are all mine :)  
**Note:** In the interest of just getting to the story I'll keep future notes very brief or nonexistent. This is a sequel to **Truth Be Told**, a rather long story I finished in March. Since it's a sequel there are situations, characters, and events that occurred in that story that have bearing on this one. That said, I don't think you HAVE to read TBT to get what's going on here since there is an overarching case they'll be solving. Just be aware that this takes place three years in the future from that story, Kensi and Deeks are an established couple, he's an NCIS agent, there might be a few characters you don't recognize, and if anyone strikes you as behaving a little different than you might expect, well, that's probably because of things that happened in TBT. If I haven't scared you away with all that, thank you for reading and reviewing if you do! My everlasting thanks goes to my awesome beta, **MioneAlterEgo**, who always catches so much, and is annoyingly good at pointing out the things I need to work on.

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Her lungs were on fire, the burning a slow building pulse that she refused to acknowledge. Instead, Kensi internalized the fire, used it as fuel to run faster, increasing her pace as she ran east on Hollywood Boulevard.

She and Deeks were in pursuit of a possible suicide bomber and had been chasing the man for over a mile since he'd abandoned his car for the heavily populated street. Their case, the seemingly random death of a Marine, had split wide open earlier that day when Eric uncovered a video in the man's personal cloud account that detailed the deaths of multiple civilians in a suicide bombing as a response to the United States' involvement in Syria.

The team had quickly realized the Marine had been involved in a planned suicide bombing that hadn't even occurred yet. The video had been taped and uploaded so it would be posted immediately after the bombing. They'd gathered enough clues to track down the other two men involved in planning and executing the bombing. Across town Callen and Sam were chasing one of the men down, while Kensi and Deeks had been driving to the second suspect's home when Eric had traced his cell phone to a car nearby. They'd followed the suspect, seemingly nothing more than a frightened college kid, until he figured out he was being followed and he'd raced from the car.

Passing by Grauman's Chinese Theatre, Kensi glanced over at Deeks, catching his eye with a grim smile as they both concluded this aspect of the operation had gone down about as badly as it could. She knew they would eventually catch up with their suspect but Hollywood Boulevard was an area heavily populated with tourists and innocent civilians. And they had no idea if their suspect was armed with the bomb.

Kensi narrowed her eyes as she saw their target cut to the left and into the shopping center around the Kodak Theatre. With a quick gesture of his hand, Deeks followed the man, indicating she should continue along the sidewalk and move to intercept from the other entrance to the mall, several hundred feet down the street.

"Kensi, Callen and Sam say they should have their suspect in five minutes."

"Copy that, Eric," Kensi managed to gasp out from her burning lungs. Dodging women with strollers, packs of teenagers, and a few slower moving senior citizens, Kensi entered the circular outdoor plaza at the east end of the mall at Hollywood and Highland. She calculated quickly in her head, concluding that even if their suspect took a longer route through the multiple levels of the mall, he would likely exit from her left in a few minutes, Deeks in hot pursuit.

Kensi stood in the center of the plaza, the pounding of her heart nearly drowning out the sounds of people shopping, eating lunch, and living their normal lives on a sunny Los Angeles Wednesday afternoon.

"Where are you?" Kensi murmured to herself, letting her eyes scan the levels around her, looking for the hurried signs of their suspect trying to flee. As if hearing her question, Deeks' breathless voice came over her comm.

"We're on the second level. No clear shot. Coming around to the plaza in less than a minute."

Kensi confirmed his transmission, then turned in the direction she expected the suspect to appear, taking note that there were an uncomfortable number of civilians in the area. They had no time and they didn't want to risk trying to evacuate the mall since their suspect could have been lost in the confusion. But the sheer number of small children, teenagers, and young families made Kensi's stomach twist with uncertainty.

Her gaze drifted over the crowd, pausing briefly on a small grouping of young girls eating ice cream and laughing near the second level escalator, when a commotion and shouting caught the attention of nearby shoppers and people began to turn, curiosity getting the better of them. Kensi positioned herself for a clear view when the man broke from the crowd, coming to a panicked stop at the top of the escalator, his desperate eyes sweeping across the plaza.

Kensi weighed her options quickly, knowing she couldn't take the risk of trying to shoot the man. He was moving too fast and there were too many people around. She could only hope Deeks would catch up and tackle him, or he would come down to the plaza and she would have a clear enough shot. Not wanting to scare him off, she attempted to move out of his line of sight, cursing when she saw his eyes come to rest on her and then widen in fear.

And she felt her heart leap into her throat, nearly cutting off her ability to breathe, as the man made a desperate grab for one of the teenage girls Kensi had spotted earlier. The girl shrieked and tried to struggle but the man was clearly bigger and stronger, his arm a tight vise around her waist as he lifted her from the ground and in a fluid movement, pulled out a small handgun to press under her chin, causing her to freeze.

Kensi could only watch, lifting her gun to train on the man, as he stepped onto the escalator, the crowds of people in the area finally catching on and giving him a wide berth. Kensi allowed a quick glance at the girl, realizing her earlier assessment hadn't concluded how young she was, and how small and easy to handle. The girl was no older than twelve and maybe eighty pounds if she were soaking wet. Their bomb suspect had chosen his hostage well.

Deeks came to a stop on the upper level where the suspect had been moments before, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath, his head quickly swiveling around the area to take in Kensi and the clear standoff between her and the bomb suspect. The man was at the foot of the escalator and carefully positioning himself away from Kensi as Deeks took the escalator steps quickly, coming around to try and flank the suspect.

"Stop! I will shoot her!"

Kensi and Deeks took automatic half steps backwards, allowing the man to think he had some ability to keep them back. All the while, Kensi kept her eyes trained on the suspect, Deeks visible at the corner of her eye as he moved so they formed an impenetrable wall between the man and Hollywood Boulevard behind them. There was the immediate concern of the hostage, but Kensi thought they could probably talk the man down. He looked as though he was nothing more than a frightened kid, maybe mixed up in more than he'd realized.

"Okay, okay. You're in control, man. We don't want anyone to get hurt," Deeks soothed, keeping his voice calm even while his gun was aimed directly at the man's head.

"You haven't done anything yet," Kensi countered, holding out a hand in a conciliatory gesture. "If you just let her go and turn yourself in this will go much better for you."

For the briefest of seconds Kensi thought they might be reaching the man. But beneath the veil of fear and panic, she saw the light of crazed desperation rise and dominate his dark eyes. And his laughter, maniacal and high, confirmed they were dealing with more than just a confused kid.

"You think if you manage to take me out that this is over? This girl—" He shook the girl roughly as she choked back a frightened sob. "—means nothing. I mean nothing. Both of you? Mean nothing."

Still holding the young girl close, the man reached around to the zipper of his jacket, fumbling with the catch and then pulling it down. Kensi's eyes widened as she caught sight of the explosives strapped to the man's chest. She allowed a quick glance at Deeks, needing his strength and steadiness to calm her. In the background she registered the sounds of hurried panic around her as shoppers and people around the plaza stumbled to get away.

Kensi knew that might only hasten the man's plan. If his goal was to take out civilians as had been detailed in the video, the plaza was the perfect place. And the more people that left, the fewer casualties could be claimed by a suicide bomb.

Forcing her gaze back to the man, she knew she had to concentrate. But there was the wildly fearful part of her that also wished Deeks was far, far away. But as she and Deeks shifted quickly, not needing to communicate, their movements choreographed by five years of partnership, they attempted to flank the bomber, to find a weakness or some way they could stop him.

Although she was out of earshot, Kensi heard Deeks' quiet voice in her ear. "Kens, can you take the shot?"

With a quick shake of her head, Kensi replied back with an angry mutter. "No, not without maybe shooting the girl. He's moving too much."

Deeks was silent and she allowed another quick glance at him, seeing the weighted understanding she knew she would find in his face, worriedly set with concern. She knew they'd already both come to the same conclusion. In a few minutes she might not have the option of choosing between saving the girl and shooting the man. They could not allow a bomb to explode in an area as populated as the plaza.

Still wanting to try and talk the man down, Kensi returned her eyes to the bomber, adopting a relaxed posture and keeping her voice quiet. "Look, you don't want to do this. There are people here who have no part of this conflict. That girl you're holding is innocent. Please, let her go."

It wasn't hard to plead for the young girl. Kensi felt her chest tighten as she took in her wide brown eyes, silent tears tracking down her face. It was always when the young and innocent were involved that it hit the hardest. And Kensi couldn't deny, even as she tried to shove the feelings aside and focus on the situation in front of her, that in the last few years it had become increasingly harder to stomach watching children hurt.

As she and Deeks had grown closer, had become a family of two, the ever present question in the background was if and when they would have children of their own. The blue topaz ring on a silver chain around her neck was the symbol of Deeks' question and her answer to the most permanent kind of bond they could share. They still had things to figure out together. But she knew their futures would always be wrapped up in each other.

And she couldn't quite deny the increasingly loud ticking of time. She was thirty-three years old now. Deeks was thirty-six. They still had time to have children, if they wanted them. But it was always in the back of Kensi's mind, and she suspected in the back of Deeks' as well, that their jobs weren't the kind that were the best for raising a family. They worked in jobs that had risks above and beyond a normal couple. And Kensi knew with certainty as solid as bedrock that she was safer with Deeks as her partner, just as she knew she kept him safe by watching his back. But she couldn't argue that their jobs put them both squarely at risk. And there were a million possible outcomes that they couldn't predict.

And Kensi felt the inevitable dread as one of those outcomes materialized in front of her. A suicide bomber, unstable as this man was, posed a risk to everyone around them. Kensi couldn't get a clear view of the explosives strapped to his chest, but she had a feeling the bomb fallout would claim significant casualties. And as they stood as close to ground zero as was possible, the outlook for them didn't look promising.

But Kensi didn't even have to glance at Deeks to know he was as determined as her not to allow the bomb to go off. If they could just get the man to calm down, give up his hostage, even disarm him, the situation could be resolved. Kensi's hopes were dashed with the man's next babbling, desperate words.

"It doesn't matter, you know. None of it. Even if I don't detonate it, there's a remote detonation. There's nothing you can do to stop it."

Deeks' eyes flicked to hers and Kensi gave a quick nod. Their options narrowed down to just one. Kensi quickly took in the man's grip on the girl as he shifted his weight, one hand holding her close while the other held the gun under her chin. No detonator in his hands. But they had no idea when and if the remote detonator might go off.

Kensi took the shot, adjusting her aim and trying to predict the man's movements. The girl's scream as the man collapsed, pulling her down with him, had Kensi fearful she'd miscalculated. But as she and Deeks rushed forward, Deeks kicking the man's gun away and lifting the girl away, Kensi was relieved to see the girl was uninjured.

In the background Kensi heard Deeks trying to reassure the girl, handing her off to her friends and then returning to her side as she leaned over the bomber. He was still alive, his expression stunned as he stared up at the sky. As Kensi reached forward, parting his jacket to get a better look at the bomb, he began to struggle, his hands fumbling in his pockets.

Guessing his intent, Kensi weighed down one of his arms with her knee while Deeks kneeled down on the bomber's opposite side, pinning the man to the ground. His struggles continued and Kensi tried to hold him down, his movements fueled by fear and adrenaline. Deeks muttered a frustrated curse, then leaned forward, punching the bomber across the jaw, knocking him unconscious.

Deeks winced and flexed the fingers of his hand, turning back to Kensi with concerned eyes. "What have we got, Kens? Please tell me I'm not going to miss the awesome waves the tide chart promised me this weekend."

Kensi took a deep breath, as always admiring the way Deeks would attempt to diffuse a situation. There was calm under pressure and then there was Deeks. On their team, none of them were the type to panic in difficult situations. But Deeks was the one who practically thrived when their lives were on the line. It was as though he were coated in Teflon, his natural humor and calm demeanor relaxing even further when things looked dire.

Finding the attached detonator, Kensi did a quick check and removed it, wanting to eliminate one possible avenue for the bomb to go off. Even with the detonator removed, Kensi gingerly inspected the dozens of wires looping around the outside of the vest and into hidden compartments. The bomber had been wearing a backpack, which Kensi carefully removed from his shoulders, but left alone the wires that connected the backpack to the bomber's vest, passing it to Deeks to hold as she continued her inspection. There was a transmitter located at the bomber's back but Kensi left it alone, not wanting to tamper with it and possibly activate the bomb.

Hesitantly, Kensi ran a prodding touch along one of the rounded cylinders lining the vest in vertical lines from the front of the vest and all the way to the back. The lack of give under her fingers told her the cylinders were solid. Sliding a knife from her boot, Kensi gently sliced through the fabric of the vest, finding a crudely cut 2-inch PVC pipe embedded in the fabric of the vest, the ends sealed with caulk. Tallying quickly, Kensi counted eighteen pipes in the vest. She looked up at Deeks, seeing him study her with a mixture of anxiety and trust as he waited for her assessment.

"They're like mini pipe bombs," Kensi explained, pointing to the one she'd cut free. "The PVC is probably packed full of ball bearings, nails, screws, bolts, and other sharp metal objects that act like shrapnel when the explosives detonate. Like a shotgun blast it causes the most damage to people who are close by. But something tells me some of these pipes are packed with C4, making this a deadlier bomb with a larger blast radius."

"Is there any way you can tell which pipes have more of the explosives? Can you deactivate the transmitter?" Deeks asked calmly. Kensi knew he asked as a means to walk her through their options even though she'd already thought through what he asked.

"I can't inspect the bomb closer without cutting into a pipe. And if the material is volatile that would be a very bad idea. I don't want to disconnect the transmitter because I don't know if the bomb has a failsafe to go off if the signal is lost," Kensi replied, frustration creeping into her voice. She nodded to the backpack on the ground next to the bomber. "What about in there? Good news or bad news?"

"It's not great news, that's for sure," Deeks replied, carefully pulling open the backpack so she could see inside to the bricks of C4 filling the compartment. Unprotected and attached to the transmitter, she could only guess at how unstable the explosives were. But she wasn't a bomb expert and the rest of the bomb was beyond her skill. Fixing her eyes on Deeks' calm face, she activated her comm.

"Sam, Callen, we have the suicide bomber down but he has enough explosives on him to take out a couple blocks. He claimed there was a remote detonator. It's probably your guy. Do you have him?"

Sam's voice was quiet and controlled as he answered. "We're outside his house now. The bomb may be triggered by a cell phone. Eric?"

"On it." Eric's confident voice filled Kensi's ear, as did the rapid clicking of keys in the background. "I'm scrambling cell phone signals in the area around the mall. Some of the cell phone towers have firewalls so it's going to take me a few minutes."

"You better hurry up, Eric. I have a wedding in two months I'd really like to be alive for." Deeks' voice was joking, but also with an underlying tension that was the only indication of how unsettled he was. Kensi allowed a small smile at Deeks, reaching forward for his hand to squeeze tight for just a second before she turned back to the unconscious bomber.

Seconds passed as Deeks communicated with the local police to evacuate the area and Kensi tried to work with Nell over her comm to see if there was a way to defuse the vest bomb or the C4 in the backpack. The photos of the bombs Kensi sent were enough for Nell to calculate and confirm that the blast from the bomb would take out areas still heavily populated with people. Although Kensi had deactivated the attached trigger, the remote detonator was still a question.

Deeks hung up his phone, pocketing it as he glanced at Kensi. "Bomb Squad is on the way. Ten minutes out."

Kensi let her eyes settle on Deeks, seeing the grim line of his lips and noting how he ran a hand worriedly over the scruff of his jaw. She recognized the gesture as one he did when he was trying to disguise his worry. It was one of the few tells Deeks had. She knew ten minutes was like a lifetime. Especially when they were at ground zero for a bomb explosion.

"Kensi, you should go. I'll stay and Nell can try and walk me through disarming the bomb."

Kensi looked up at Deeks with incredulous surprise, reading the resigned acceptance in Deeks' eyes, knowing as well as he did what he was asking her to do. She shook her head resolutely, stubbornly refusing to verbally acknowledge his words. Deeks reached forward, gripping her shoulders with his hands, trying to make her stand and leave. Kensi twisted out of his hands, laying a firm hand flat on his chest, over his heart.

"No. Marty, listen to me." Kensi held up a hand to stop the protest she could see forming from his lips. "I'm not going to leave you. If anyone is leaving, it should be you. I've actually had some training with explosives and you're the one who wanted to take that class on covert infiltration rather than explosive ordnance disposal."

"Kens—"

"No." Kensi cut off Deeks' worried protest, fixing her fierce gaze on Deeks' face. She saw every emotion he was trying so desperately to hide from her. She saw his need to protect her, to shield her from harm. She saw how he wanted to take care of her, even when she clearly didn't want to let him. And she saw his anger that she would allow herself to stay in a dangerous situation.

Before she could silence him again, Deeks finally managed to force the words out. "One of us could get away and make it out of here. Please go. For me."

Kensi knew what he was doing and it tore at her heart. She knew he was right. If she left now she might be able to run and make it clear of the bomb blast radius. But she would never be able to forgive herself if she did. She couldn't let him stay on his own and she knew she would never convince him to go. Not if she stayed behind.

"I can't. You know I can't." Kensi replied quietly. The seconds stretched on and Kensi tried to ignore the irrational tide of her emotions. It would have been better for both of them to leave the area, take the risk that the bomb would explode. But neither of them wanted to give up and put nearby civilians at risk if they hadn't done everything possible to disarm the bomb. It would have been smarter for one of them to get away. They both had people to live for, family or friends who would miss them if one of them was gone. But Kensi knew she would never voluntarily leave Deeks. Not as long as he was the most important thing in her life.

Even though he clearly struggled with his desire to make her leave, to make her live at all costs, even if it meant he didn't, a resigned and exasperated smile lifted Deeks' lips. He shook his head, muttering quietly to himself. "Damn fool woman."

Kensi allowed a shaky smile, knowing that while his words were slightly angry and she was figuratively, if not actually, giving up the sure chance of her living, that she couldn't and wouldn't make a different decision. And even if part of Deeks was angry that she wouldn't leave him, it was the touch of amazement in his eyes, the awestruck love, that kept her feet firmly planted next to him.

She had to have faith that Callen and Sam would come through in the end. And deep down she knew her decision was already made. Neither of them would be able to get far enough away in the next few minutes to escape harm. Although it felt like hours had passed since she'd begun inspecting the bomb, in reality it had been only a few scarce minutes. And it would all be over one way or another, in what amounted to practically the blink of an eye, depending on if Sam and Callen could stop their second suspect.

Both Eric and Nell's voices in the background of the comm, previously rising in urgency as they tried to coordinate communication amongst the team, fell silent as Callen and Sam positioned themselves to enter the second suspect's house. Without thinking, Kensi reached for Deeks' hand, lacing her fingers with his. Mere seconds went by and Kensi heard the sounds of Callen and Sam forcing their way into the house, heard their shouts as they identified who they were and demanded their suspect surrender.

"Put the phone down! Do it!"

Kensi closed her eyes for a second, letting the darkness behind her eyelids replace her view of Deeks, his gentle eyes and fond smile swimming in front of her mind. She felt his hand cupping her face, his thumb brushing across her jaw, and then his lips touching hers. She didn't question the touch of surrender behind his kiss. She knew the motivation behind it. If she had a choice about how she wanted to exit the world it would always be with Deeks holding her, touching her, reminding her of how much he loved her. And how much she loved him.

The noise of the world around them melted away as Deeks pulled her close and she brought her arms around his waist. She turned her head and rested her ear over Deeks' heart, hearing the slow and steady beat thrumming with life. His heartbeat was steady and strong, whatever fear he'd previously felt under control as his hands stroked up and down her back.

It was Callen's rushed words, finally firm and reassuring, that brought on the tide of relief Kensi felt washing over her. "We got him. The suspect is contained."

Kensi allowed a deep breath to shake a shiver loose from her body as she stepped back from Deeks, giving him a slightly wobbly grin. She saw how his shrewd eyes narrowed on her face, seeing past her bravado.

"See, and you wanted me to leave? Nothing to worry about," Kensi said confidently. Although she was trying to maintain her carefree exterior, Kensi could internally admit she was shaken by how close they might have come to death that afternoon.

Deeks looked as though he wanted to respond, wanted to call her out on the fact that she was much more upset than she was admitting, the LAPD Bomb Squad chose that moment to appear on scene, escorting them away as they confirmed the bomb was inert and took the would-be bomber into custody.

And Kensi was able to avoid Deeks' pointed questions for at least a little while as they spoke with police and helped contain the scene and their suspect. Kensi struggled with the roiling feelings that seemed to have taken up residence in her stomach. The danger has passed and they were safe. It wasn't the first time that year, let alone that month, where their lives had been in danger. And they always came out on the other side, together and alive.

But something was different now. Kensi thought it might have been triggered by the young girl who had been held hostage. When it was just Kensi's choice she would never leave Deeks' side. And she knew it was the same for him. But what if they had children? Would she be able to make the same decision, risking her life and the life of her children's father? Would she be able to take the chance of leaving her own children as orphans?

Although the possibility had always existed, Kensi had never thought about the specifics before. Years before, when they'd first become a couple, she and Deeks had talked about having kids. In fact, their mutual understanding of their differently fractured upbringings had prompted the conversation in the first place. Beyond knowing they wanted children and they wanted them together the conversation had never gone much further than that. She hadn't really wanted to consider the specifics of what having kids could mean even though they'd always lurked at the back of her mind.

She and Deeks had weathered many storms and hard decisions as partners. They'd proven their ability to remain objective as a couple, putting their assignments and the needs of the mission before their emotional response as a couple during the Derek Smith case three years earlier. Nobody at NCIS had reason to question their objectivity as partners despite their status as a couple. But as much as she might want to suggest the difficult decisions they had to make as NCIS agents had proven they could function as partners in a romantic relationship, Kensi knew it would be a whole different situation if they had children.

Kensi wasn't used to being slightly off balance or uncertain. The confidence in knowing she was one of the best at her job made her a better agent. The way Deeks looked at her, confided in her, smiled at her, and touched her told her she was every bit his match as a lover and friend. The way her friends and co-workers trusted her and sought her out filled her with the knowledge that she was a good friend.

But there was the possibility that much of her life could change in the future. And it scared her that she had no idea how to resolve the disparate possibilities of being a partner, friend, wife, and mother.

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_To be continued_


	2. Chapter 2

**Note: **Thank you so much for the reviews, alerts, and favorites for this story. It means a lot to me that you take the time to read and/or review. That said, my apologies that I have taken so long to update. Work, travel for work, and real life stuff sometimes gets in the way. I hope to be better about updating on a generally weekly basis in the future. All mistakes here are mine, watch out for the misuse of commas that always seems to follow in the wake of my writing. And thanks for reading, and for reviewing if you do.

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Several hours later Kensi was finishing up her report, the cut and dry recitation of the afternoon's events, and she had to struggle to keep her emotions separate from her description of what had happened. She couldn't get the image out of her head, of Deeks willing to stay and asking her to leave him. And she couldn't help but think she was to blame.

It was a part of him to never give up and help people in need. But she had to wonder if she hadn't been there, would he have stayed behind? And what would either of them have done if they had children depending on them to come home?

If she wasn't his partner, if she and whatever possibly children they had were somewhere else, what would he have done?

Somewhere deep down, Kensi was pretty sure she knew the answer because she knew how she would react if things had been different. As long as it was just them she would always stay with him, would always cover his back. She wasn't a wife and mother yet, but she could imagine that if she'd been there while her family was far away she would do whatever was required to get back to her husband and children. Knowing Deeks as she did, and knowing that although they were very different people they shared commonalities in their loyalty to one another, Kensi knew the same would be true for him. Deeks would always do whatever he had to in order to get back to his family.

As his partner she didn't want to be the tether holding him back, risking his life. She wanted to be the tether that pulled him towards living a life with her. It was harder to put your own life on the line when it mattered to someone else if you lived.

It had been easy to ignore the contrary sides of their situation. For five years she'd had Deeks and he'd had her. There wasn't anyone else that could possibly overrule their mutual importance to each other. Kensi knew that could change when they were married and if they had children. As long as they were partners they were at the uncomfortable apex of always being there for each other, but always at risk of the greater loss only to each other if something happened to one of them. How their decisions could change for them as partners and parents, as they might have that afternoon, was still in a somewhat murky cloud of uncertainty since they'd never faced that kind of decision.

There was a part of Kensi that wanted to ignore the uncomfortable thoughts and troubling feelings. It wasn't really an issue right then. She and Deeks were getting married in a few months but they hadn't discussed precisely when they might have children. It could still be years. They both wanted children but it had become so easy to lead their lives, time had blended almost seamlessly as days, weeks, and months passed in a blur and in a way that Kensi had never experienced in her life.

She knew time was constant. It didn't speed up, it didn't slow down. But the human perception of time was contrary in its inconsistency. And the passage of time, slow or fast, charged or forgotten, usually resulted in memories sharpened crystal clear with emotion or dulled around the mundane edges, the details lost. But with Deeks, as with everything with him, it was different. She didn't fear losing the memories or that her perceptions would change whether time felt like is passed quickly or slowly. She remembered everything about him. She remembered everything about them. And she remembered everything about how he made her feel.

It had taken time, but Kensi was no longer scared of how the happiness she remembered with her father was something she now associated with Deeks. She'd spent most of her adult life steering far clear of the possibility of the kind of close family connection that she'd had with her father with anyone. That she'd had with the Keppingers and lost briefly. And that she'd tried to form with Jack. For the longest time connections like that meant only the promise of heartache and loss.

But Deeks had changed everything. And reconnecting with Diane, Robert, and Cody had changed everything. Instead of being fearful of what she could lose, she treasured what she and Deeks had. She allowed herself to hope and she allowed herself to risk her heart in a way that five years ago she never would have thought she could. They were a family, something born out of a reluctant partnership and the development of their relationship beyond what either of them had ever imagined.

Kensi knew that even if it were just she and Deeks for the rest of their lives, and that they didn't have children, that it would be enough. But just as surely she knew she wanted children. His children. She saw him playing with Rachel and Cody's son and imagined him with a little boy who shared his tousled hair, maybe in a shade closer to her own, but with Deeks' clear blue eyes.

Kensi knew Deeks thought about her as a mother to his children. Sometimes Deeks would see a young family and he would watch them with curious wonder. Or if there were a pregnant co-worker his telling gaze would drift over to Kensi and linger in a way that was hopeful and transparently longing. But with their lives full of each other and busy in ways neither felt immediately inclined to change, they didn't talk about children as a near possibility.

It dawned on Kensi that the fact that they hadn't discussed it meant they were probably both thinking about it but didn't know what to say to each other. It would be easy to just push it aside, not worry about what concerned her until it became an issue. Kensi reasoned that avoidance was one way of dealing with conflict, even if it wasn't the most effective way.

But there was an even stronger part of Kensi that knew they couldn't ignore talking about it. Not forever. Glancing across the bullpen at Deeks for about the tenth time that hour, she could tell he was distracted. She knew she would hear from him later about how she wouldn't leave him in the plaza, wouldn't abandon him when he told her to. She allowed a fond smile as she shook her head. He still tried to protect her. Every single day and in every decision he made. And she would allow no one but him that overprotective instinct.

Kensi's desk phone rang and she picked it up, startled to hear Hetty's voice on the line. "Ms. Blye, to my office, if you would."

Taking in Deeks' raised eyebrows in question; Kensi shrugged and stood, crossing over to Hetty's office and taking the chair when offered. Hetty didn't leave her waiting as she leaned forward, clasping her hands together on top of her desk, fixing Kensi with a concerned and caring gaze.

"Ms. Blye, are you alright?"

Surprised, Kensi was quick to nod. "Yes, of course. Why do you ask?"

Hetty paused only briefly, her quick glance past Kensi's shoulder and towards Deeks the only indication of her thoughts. "It seems as though this afternoon's near miss has resulted in a stronger effect than usual on you and Mr. Deeks."

Kensi sighed, not bothering to deny or wonder how Hetty had picked up on the undercurrent of tension in the aftermath of the day's excitement. And she struggled not to look back at Deeks, tried not to reveal her need to see him, reassure herself with his presence like her visual touchstone. It wasn't as though it were a secret how much they meant to each other. But Kensi still liked to try and keep the lines between their personal and professional roles at least somewhat defined.

Leaning forward in her chair, Kensi brought her elbows to rest on her knees. The movement caused her necklace to swing forward free from the confines of the collar of the shirt she was wearing, her engagement ring catching the light and her attention as Kensi reached for the colorful and bright stone. Holding the band between her thumb and forefinger, Kensi studied the blue topaz, smiling softly as she pulled the chain up and over her head, unclasped the chain and pulled the ring free, and slipped it on to her ring finger.

It wasn't the typical kind of engagement ring. When Deeks proposed it had been a spontaneous moment even though they'd both known it would happen eventually. But he hadn't been prepared with a ring, which made it the perfect proposal in Kensi's eyes. Deeks still managed to surprise her, even when she sometimes wondered if they already knew everything there was to know about each other.

But after the proposal Deeks had insisted on buying her a ring. Kensi had been hesitant. She'd had the typical diamond engagement ring before and that had led to heartbreak and pain. But she also knew Deeks was different. They were different. And there was something inherent in some men to buy their girlfriends, fiancées, and wives meaningful jewelry. Kensi wasn't the type of woman to wear ornate rings, flashy necklaces or bracelets, and she rarely even wore earrings. But she was the type to allow Deeks, and only Deeks, a few concessions.

And he'd been so adamant, so determined that she wear a ring he'd bought her. It wasn't until much later that she'd realized with amusement that part of the reason he wanted the ring on her finger was to be able to show the world she was off the market, that she was his. And she'd allowed him that possessive instinct, knowing deep down there was a part of her that wanted to see the wide band on his finger for the same reason.

Ring shopping had been painful for the first three shops. Kensi had been growing tired of looking at different cuts of the same kind of large, but ultimately impersonal, diamonds when she'd drifted away from Deeks and the salesperson, letting her gaze fall on a case full of colorful gemstone rings. She'd been starting to consider how she might be able to talk Deeks out of the whole ring situation when one particular gemstone caught her eye, all thoughts of annoying engagement rings flying from her mind. The second she'd seen the blue topaz she knew it was meant for her.

It wasn't the traditional sort of engagement ring. But the blue of the stone was as deep of a cerulean color as the Pacific Ocean on a summer day and as bright and clear as the eyes of the man she loved. It was a medium sized solitaire in a simple platinum trellis setting that gave the ring a graceful and organic feel in how the stone rose above the band.

When Deeks came up behind to her, his hand going around her waist to squeeze gently, his chin coming to rest on her shoulder as he looked at the ring that had so captivated her, she leaned back into his chest, turning her head to accept the quick press of his lips against her cheek.

Feeling strangely shy Kensi had asked to see the blue topaz. And as she slipped the ring on, she'd found her fingers curling inward, protectively refusing to let it slip off her finger. Her cheeks had flamed bright as she felt the surge of unfamiliar emotions she felt with that ring on her finger and Deeks, _her fiancé_, warm and solid behind her.

It was just a ring. Mineral and metal. Certainly a precious stone and valuable metal, but still just a thing, a pretty ornament for her hand, she tried to tell herself. Nothing to get emotional about and certainly not an object to get irrationally tied to. But when his hand had reached under to lace his fingers with hers, locking the ring further into place on her hand, she'd simply nodded when he's whispered in her ear, more an affirmation than a question, asking if that was the ring.

She'd never told him the color of the ring caught her attention because it reminded her of his eyes. It was a girly admission she could really only confess to inside her head. His knowing smile, just a step away from a confident smirk, told her he probably knew anyway. But he allowed her the indulgence of not pressing her.

The ring only came off during work, and then it went on a sturdy and thick chain around her neck. She didn't want anything happening to it while she worked and it was bulky enough that it sometimes got in the way when she was handling a weapon or taking down a suspect. But it was always close by even if she wasn't wearing it on her finger.

Closing her hand into a fist, Kensi glanced back at Hetty, seeing the older woman studying her with a mix of worry, regret, and admiration. They'd had many conversations over the years about balance in Kensi's life. Those conversations had become less frequent as she'd built her life with Deeks. She was always cagey with the details, but Kensi knew Hetty regretted making certain decisions in her life that led her away from a traditional life of husband and children. Seeing Kensi make different decisions seemed to be both a relief and source of concern for Hetty.

"I think we're both just realizing how things are going to change," Kensi paused, choosing her words carefully. "We've been partners for five years and while it's just been us until now, the possibility of more than that seems somehow stronger now."

Hetty nodded slowly, easily connecting the vague dots Kensi awkwardly laid out. Hetty offered Kensi a slight smile in return. "You're getting married. It's natural to consider that your family might grow and what that might mean for you both."

Kensi sighed heavily, uncomfortable with the heavy weight that seemed to press over her heart. "Yes, and there's a part of me that doesn't want anything to change. But then, I think about what it might be like, to be a mother, to matter to someone as much as I could to a child, and it's scary." Kensi trailed off quietly, then rushed on before she lost her nerve. "I want it, but I don't know what it could mean for our partnership. I don't know how to do this job with Deeks as my partner, both of us risking our lives together, and be a mother, too. Is it fair to any child to have both parents risk their lives every single day?"

Her fear voiced and out on the table like she'd surgically excised it from her chest, Kensi didn't bother trying to hide her raw doubts and fears from Hetty. If there was one person who could understand the difficulties with being in a demanding job like hers, it was Hetty. And Kensi wasn't disappointed. Hetty was silent, contemplating her words for several minutes. She didn't offer up empty reassurances that Kensi would have seen through and dismissed.

"There is no single, correct answer to that question, Ms. Blye. You and Mr. Deeks are a unique case. I know of no other pair of partners in a relationship like yours. Mr. Hanna has a family but his wife is separate from his life here. Mr. Keppinger and Rachel both work here, but Rachel is kept quite apart from the dangerous work the rest of you do. And Mr. Callen—"

At that Hetty paused, the two women trading bemused glances with each other before they both glanced at Callen, sitting with his back to them at his desk in the bullpen. Although he was still superficially resistant to establishing permanent roots, Callen was still dating the same woman he'd begun seeing three years earlier. Jennifer was a drama and theatre teacher living in Burbank, and Kensi knew Callen's girlfriend still had no idea what he actually did for a living. The fact that he'd been struggling with the lies he'd had to tell her and that continuing the fabrication of his life didn't sit well with him told Kensi what Callen was unwilling or unable to admit. He was in much deeper than even he realized.

"Callen's a special case," Kensi finished dryly. Hetty nodded slightly.

"That he is."

Kensi shared a quiet chuckle with Hetty, letting her thoughts drift to what her boss had said. It was true that she and Deeks were unique. They'd made the impossible work.

"As to you and Mr. Deeks, I am confident you will come to the right decision together. But if I may offer you an option to consider?" At Kensi's hurried nod, Hetty continued, her voice quietly pensive. "I don't want to lose either of you as agents. But the demands of family and loved ones should always take careful consideration. When and if your family situation changes, I would be open to finding placement for you as an intelligence analyst or perhaps as a forensic specialist. Still at NCIS but away from active field duty."

Kensi leaned back in her chair, her mind reeling. Years ago she never would have been able to imagine not being an NCIS agent. It was what she was good at, what she knew how to do. But her life was much fuller now than it had been five years earlier. Hetty was offering her the possibility of a job that would be a big shift away from what she was familiar with. From what she was the best at.

Truth be told, she didn't only want to be a good NCIS agent. Not anymore. And maybe that shift in her priorities would make it easier to let go of the one thing she'd excelled at and had been holding onto as her torch for almost ten years. She couldn't help the involuntary glance at Deeks, watched as he tossed a wadded up piece of paper at Sam as a means to distract the fellow agent. The slightly murderous glance Sam gave Deeks caused a sharp pang in Kensi's chest. She couldn't quite imagine not being a part of moments like that. The danger was one thing. But even the mundane and everyday was comfortingly normal.

It was only a thought, no longer being Deeks' partner, no longer being an NCIS agent. But even the sharp pang that followed that thought was tempered by what else it could mean. It was a thought that could become a solution to what was troubling her. It could be the answer to her fear of raising a family and risking her life, of risking Deeks' life, on a day-to-day basis. It could be the answer or it could be a dead end. Even still, she had to consider all the possibilities first.

"What would that mean for Deeks?" Kensi asked, her first thought always for her partner.

"Mr. Deeks would need a different full time partner. In the last six months Mr. Keppinger has been slowly lessening his time teaching in San Diego and he has indicated to me he is ready for a permanent shift to Los Angeles. That could be a natural solution," Hetty offered. Kensi nodded mutely, knowing that Deeks and Cody, the closest of friends after three years, would make excellent partners. There were only three people she trusted on a commensurate scale to watch out for Deeks. And since Sam and Callen were already partnered and did cover Deeks on a daily basis, Cody made for a kind of natural and perfect fit.

Kensi swallowed thickly, not able to deny that while Hetty's offer made a certain amount of sense, she couldn't help the selfish struggle of remaining true to who she was and who she wanted to be.

Partner and lover. Wife and mother.

She knew she didn't have an answer for Hetty at that moment, but she did have a lot to consider.

"Thank you, Hetty. I appreciate your offer. It isn't something I need to decide right now. I'm going to need to think about it for awhile." After Hetty nodded her agreement, Kensi stood to leave, pausing before she turned away. "I'd appreciate if you didn't tell Marty about what we talked about."

Although Hetty looked troubled, she nodded to Kensi. And as Kensi turned back towards the bullpen she tried to ignore the guilty pang she felt looking at Deeks. She knew she wouldn't share with him the possibility she was considering that they might not be partners sometime in the future. Not yet.

She and Deeks didn't have secrets. Not about their lives. They still argued about differing points of view because between the two of them they certainly had plenty of those. And their approaches to emotional situations occasionally led to disagreement and arguments. Usually it was because Kensi kept her thoughts and emotions hidden while Deeks wanted to talk through every single detail. Sometimes Kensi couldn't take what she saw as overreaction and sometimes Deeks couldn't accept what he saw as her unwillingness to discuss issues. But the decision to keep this from Deeks was resolute in her mind.

She knew he would try and talk her out of even considering the possibility that she might not be an agent in the future. And while Kensi had always admired Deeks' relentless optimism, she knew she didn't want him to sway her decision in this. She had to make her choice based on what was best for her and their future.

As Kensi got up to return to her desk, Hetty asked her to take a file to Rachel upstairs in Ops. Nodding in agreement, Kensi took the stairs to the second level, passing through the sliding doors to find her two closest female friends whispering together as they huddled over Nell's computer screen.

Looking up, Eric shook his head and gave a long-suffering sigh. Kensi bit her lip and tried not to laugh, seeing the humor behind the roll of his eyes. Quietly coming up behind Nell and Rachel, Kensi peered over Nell's shoulder, her eyes widening in disbelief at the garish tiara the two women were pointing at.

"What is that?" Kensi asked loudly. Nell and Rachel both whirled around, Nell swiftly minimizing the window on her computer screen. And Kensi narrowed her eyes at both of them, knowing from the affected air of innocence Rachel tried to pull off that she would never make a good undercover agent. Nell, however, managed to tuck away any hint of guilt over having been caught.

"That was nothing. Nothing you need to be concerned with. Nope, just put it right out of your head," Rachel babbled, nervously crossing her arms over her chest, averting her green eyes from Kensi and looking desperately at Nell. For her part, Nell tilted her head to the side and slowly shook her head at Rachel's rambling, a textbook example of overcompensation.

Kensi stood her ground, squaring her shoulders and using her superior height to stare down her two friends. Rachel seemed to shrink inwards under Kensi's pointed gaze while Nell finally sighed and threw up her hands in exasperation.

"It was going to be a surprise. We were just shopping for some accessories for your bachelorette party," Nell replied.

Kensi felt her unease grow. She'd agreed to the bachelorette party under three conditions. No strippers. No stupid party games. And the participants in the outing would consist of only Diane and her bridal party. Which coincidentally included just Nell and Rachel. But she hadn't put any other stipulations in place. It was just like her bridesmaid and maid of honor to find a loophole to exploit.

Reaching up, Kensi rubbed her forehead, trying to push away the ache she felt growing behind her eyes. She really couldn't wait to get home and soak in the bathtub. She was touched that her friends wanted to plan something nice for her to celebrate her upcoming marriage to Deeks. But their relentless female enthusiasm sometimes got the better of them. And it was occasionally a little more than the diehard tomboy in her could take.

"I thought we agreed. We'll do the whole girly spa day thing, I'll even let someone paint my nails—"

"And facials," Rachel piped in.

At Rachel's interruption, Nell added her two cents. "And massages."

Kensi stifled a smile. Those suggestions hadn't been difficult to agree to. And she'd been promised mojitos to go along with the spa day, nail painting, facials, and massages. She'd figured the alcohol would go a long way to easing any discomfort she had at enduring a day of pampering. Since it wasn't something she really ever did, it might even be nice.

"All that is fine. But I'm not wearing a tiara. Or a pink sash that says 'Bride' on it," Kensi said firmly. Rachel and Nell exchanged glances, and then looked back at her.

"What about a tiara that has 'Bride' written in pink rhinestones?" Rachel asked hopefully. Kensi simply stared back and Rachel finally leaned over to whisper loudly in Nell's ear.

"She's not saying anything. I say we take that as a yes—"

"No!" Kensi replied loudly. She slashed her hand across her throat in an abrupt movement they couldn't possibly misinterpret. Then she pointed at Nell and Rachel in turn. "You. And you. None of the crazy wedding and bridal crap. Spa, nails, facials, massages, and lots of alcohol to get me through it. That's it. Got it?"

Hearing the finality in Kensi's voice both women nodded solemnly. Relieved to have reined Nell and Rachel in and wanting to move back to the comfortable topic of work, she held out the file to Rachel, eager to change the subject. "Hetty asked me to bring that to you."

Rachel stood, taking the file from Kensi and flipping through it, nodding as she recognized the paperwork. Waving a goodbye at Nell, Rachel began to walk towards the exit from Ops to return to her downstairs desk. Kensi followed her, pausing with Rachel at top of the second floor level. Kensi hadn't seen Rachel since that morning and she took the opportunity to catch up.

"Where's Cody this afternoon? He's going to be sorry he missed out on this afternoon's adventure," Kensi said lightly. Rachel laughed, her smile widening and her eyes alight with conspiring humor.

"I texted him a little while ago. He was very disappointed to miss out on defusing a bomb. Daredevil that he is, he does love those kinds of situations," Rachel replied with an exasperated sigh. Kensi nodded in return, knowing that on the team and next to Sam, Cody did have the most expertise when it came to bombs. And while some of Cody's more risky behavior had been curbed as he'd settled into family life, he did still have a slight reckless streak that was only emphasized by his exuberance and training as a Marine used to getting things done at any cost.

"We could have used him this afternoon," Kensi admitted. Rachel looked at her thoughtfully, her eyes conveying the remembered concern she'd felt a few hours before, listening in Ops to the events as they'd unfolded. Kensi could only imagine how difficult it had to be for her, as well as for Hetty, Eric, and Nell, to be far away as the rest of the team put their lives on the line. But it was a situation they found themselves in on a fairly regular basis.

"You guys did okay in the end," Rachel said softly, her gratitude at how things had worked out shining in her eyes. She lifted her head, then turned back to Kensi's earlier question. "Cody was down at Camp Pendleton finishing up a class, and then Hetty asked him to pick up some final paperwork on a routine case, the death of a Brigadier General or something. He'll be back later tonight."

Rachel held up the file in her hand, raising an eyebrow. "In the meantime, it looks like I've got another data call from the DoD. Yet another 'request' requiring us to justify expenditures."

Kensi winced as she considered what was probably in the file. It had been an expensive month due to the cost of some higher-than-usual operations. Not to mention the car Deeks and Cody had totaled the week before. They'd come out slightly bruised and scraped up, laughing and with their suspect in tow, but Hetty had not been amused. It had become part of Rachel's job to keep an eye on the financials of the Los Angeles area office. Some months that job took a little more creative justification than others. Hetty discovered Rachel had an affinity for numbers, as well as an impressive ability to cite operational reasons for expenses, and had quickly taken advantage of her skills.

Remembering back to what Hetty had said about Rachel and Cody, and how they were married with a child and still managed to balance the dangers of Cody's job with a growing family, Kensi was struck with wanting to discuss some of her concerns and doubts with Rachel. Her desire must have been written on her face because Rachel's eyes turned curious as she examined Kensi closely. And despite the subject and uncertainly churning through her, Kensi could feel the warm gratitude that she had a female friend like Rachel, someone who knew her, could sense when she wanted to talk, and cared about her as a close friend would. It wasn't something Kensi could have claimed to have three years earlier.

Wordlessly, Kensi slipped over to sit on the deep windowsill of one of the arched windows of the second level. Rachel followed her, sitting next to her on the ledge and leaning forward as she tucked a loose strand of her long and wavy blonde hair behind her ear. Rachel waited quietly, watchful eyes on Kensi as she tried to form the words. And Kensi felt that gratitude deepen further, knew that it wasn't Rachel's normal reaction to silently wait. She was usually inquisitive and dogged like Deeks was. But Rachel had come to know Kensi well enough to understand when she needed to time to think and the room to breathe. And Kensi knew that was a priceless quality in a friend, someone who thought about you before themselves.

"I've been thinking about what it will mean once Marty and I are married, about what having a family could mean for us." At Rachel's instantly hopeful and excited smile, Kensi rushed to continue. "I'm not pregnant. But I know I could be someday. Maybe soon, maybe not. But it's something we want. I just don't know how to do that, how to be a mother, and how to go out there and be an agent too. I can't imagine not being by Marty's side but I also can't imagine doing this job, knowing he's right next to me in danger, and having a child counting on us to come home. The risk is so much greater with us both doing this job. How can I do that? How can any parent put themselves in that position?"

Rachel's eyes turned compassionate and she sighed quietly, her right hand automatically going to the diamond ring and solid band on her left ring finger. She touched the stone briefly, the ring a physical reminder of the connection with her husband.

"It has to be tougher for you and Marty. Cody and I never really had that conversation about whether or not to have a family since it sort of just happened," Rachel said sheepishly, referring to how she'd become pregnant shortly after she and Cody started dating. It had been unexpected, but one of those happy accidents that worked out exactly as it should have. Rachel's face turned serious, with worry knitted her eyebrows. "And I do worry. I worry about all of you. Every day when you all go out and I stay here I worry if some of you will come back and others won't. You're all my family now."

"But you worry about Cody more," Kensi teased lightly, to which Rachel offered up a shrug and smile.

"I suppose I do. He's my husband and the father of my child. He's the most wonderful man I know and I love him so much. I can't imagine my life without him," Rachel replied fervently. "And Cody knows I worry. And I know he's torn sometimes about doing his job and balancing that with making sure his son has a father and that I have a husband. But just because there's a risk that something could happen to him doesn't mean he should choose a different life or a different job."

"But why not?" Kensi asked insistently, thinking about Hetty's offer of a different job for her, something safer that would keep her out of the immediate line of fire. "Wouldn't that be better?"

Rachel nodded thoughtfully. "Maybe. But people die and are killed every day from even the most normal and mundane things. Being a soldier and being in law enforcement is who Cody is. Just because there's risk of him getting hurt or killed doesn't mean he should necessarily have to change who he is."

Kensi turned that thought over, wondering about what made the most sense for her. Should she change who she was and what she was good at so she could become something else, something else that she wanted? So she could become a mother? She felt a wave of uncertainty when she searched her thoughts and couldn't find the ready answer. And she didn't like that off balance feeling and the realization that there wasn't a perfect and easy solution.

Rachel squeezed her hand gently, catching her attention and bringing Kensi's wandering thoughts back to her. "But it's different for Cody and me. We have something of a safety net since I don't do the same work as him. I can see why it might cause you more concern, Kensi."

"So what's the answer then?" Kensi blurted out, a strong part of her wishing Rachel would have the key, the missing piece of the puzzle, or would have the solution to the questions and doubts she felt tumbled unwanted through her head. But Rachel just smiled softly and shook her head.

"I don't think I can tell you that, Kensi. And I know that's got to be driving you crazy, not having the answer right here instantly for you. Have you talked with Marty about this stuff?" Rachel asked curiously.

Kensi shook her head, allowing a quick glance down at the bullpen, catching the flash of Deeks' blond hair, lit in the late afternoon sunlight. She allowed an uncertain sigh.

"I don't want to jump the gun. And I don't want to cause a problem where one doesn't exist," Kensi replied, frustration creeping into her voice.

"It maybe doesn't exist now, but it's probably going to come up. And you guys will have to figure it out. I know you can, you've made it through a lot of tough problems, including just the basic reality of your relationship while being partners. It seems like nobody thought that would work," Rachel said, her voice teasing. Kensi shook her head, chuckling quietly in agreement.

"We have defied expectations," Kensi said proudly, pleased at what she and Deeks had accomplished as partners in the last five years. Considering their personalities and how their partnership had started, full of volatile fire and grudging acceptance, it was something of a miracle that they worked.

They made each other whole. They were each other's greatest strength and most damaging weakness. But even when that weakness could have been their downfall, could have cut their lives short or risked a mission, their deep and absolute faith in each other was what saved them time and again.

"Are you worried that Marty will try and be overprotective as your partner when you have kids?" Rachel asked, bringing Kensi back to their conversation. Kensi considered the question, knowing instantly that she was worried about that very thing. Because she couldn't imagine not being overprotective of him, of not wanting to protect him and guard him from harm even more if she considered that they might have a child counting on them to come home.

Kensi nodded slowly. "I think about that. And I think about how protective I would probably be. I just don't know what is going to happen and how it might affect us."

"And it's the unknowns that are killing you, isn't it?" Rachel replied knowingly. Kensi nodded silently, resting her chin in her hand.

"Can't you just tell me what the right decision is?" she asked wistfully, attempting to lighten the mood of the conversation with Rachel. Kensi was quickly realizing as much as Rachel might want to help, there wasn't going to be an answer to her dilemma. At least not in that afternoon.

"I wish I could," Rachel replied with a sympathetic smile. "Like you said, you don't have to make a decision today or tomorrow. Just talk to Marty. You guys will figure things out. I know you will."

Kensi nodded in absentminded agreement to Rachel's advice. She knew Rachel was right; that she and Deeks should discuss her doubts and worries. But as Kensi returned to her desk, her stomach fluttering at the lopsided grin Deeks gave her, she knew her ability to not be swayed by Deeks was likely a foolhardy battle. He was already somehow minutely present in nearly every decision she made. She wanted to make a rational choice, wanted to balance the roles in her life with her job. She wanted to be the best at what she did and she wanted to plan for a future they both wanted.

Lifting her chin, Kensi internally resolved that she would find a way. Both to figure out the right answers and to make Deeks understand. She tried to ignore the fissure of uncertainty in her determination. Because while she might have been influenced by Deeks' calm and optimism in the last five years, she knew he'd picked up a thing or two from her.

And stubbornness was at the top of that list.

* * *

_To be continued_


	3. Chapter 3

**Note: **We're getting into the actual case soon, I promise. But Kensi had her reflective time and now it's only fair for Deeks to have a turn. I've been glad to see the comments about being interested in Kensi and Deeks together as a couple, working a case. It has been fun to explore that dynamic while trying to make it interesting. Thanks to **MioneAlterEgo **for the very helpful beta read. Sometimes things make sense in my head that don't come out right on paper and she points that out for me! Thanks for taking the time to read and for reviewing if you do, it is appreciated.

* * *

Off the coast of Malibu, Deeks was nearly still as a statue on his surfboard. He let the waves tug him forward, over shallow crests that he let pass by, watching as they became waves that other surfers gleefully took ashore. He'd been out on the ocean for a few hours already, ignoring the usually tempting waves to stare at the shoreline. He felt the setting sun behind him as it slowly fell below the horizon, the sky eventually darkening and the air temperature quickly dropping.

Deeks ignored the discomfort of the oncoming chill in the air, the water lapping over his board still warm from a day of bright southern California sun. He let his eyes drift, easily finding the gray slate roof of the Malibu house he and Kensi shared.

It wasn't right on the beach, there was no way they could have afforded that. But it was a few streets inland, up the sloping hill that began past the sandy shoreline and rose quickly through residential neighborhoods. Their neighbors were generally people much more wealthy than they would ever be. Although as far as their neighbors were concerned they were Kensi and Marty Wyler, a marriage of their first meeting and their real identities.

Three years earlier, after busting up the Contreras drug and Derek Smith bank robbery ring, Kensi and Deeks had begun house hunting. It was beginning to look as though they might end up in a depressing apartment in Burbank or a house in his old neck of the woods in Reseda when Hetty and suggested they check out an address in Malibu.

Based on the location Deeks had been skeptical but Hetty had reassured them that it was within their budget. It was also a fixer-upper. The house was a 1930s beach house that also resembled a country home, with two stories, a generous backyard, and surrounded by tall trees and foliage that offered privacy. It hadn't taken much to persuade him. One look at the bay windows, the high ceilings, open floor plan, and proximity to the beach had been enough to convince Deeks.

Kensi had been a little more hesitant, worrying about all the work required on the warped hardwood floors, dry rotted walls, outdated kitchen, sagging roof, and aging exterior. But the price had been right, even though Deeks suspected Hetty might have secured them a better deal than even they were fully aware of. Within six months of their relationship change to an official couple, and not too long after Eric and Nell's wedding, they'd moved in.

The next two years nearly every spare minute they had was spent on the house. Deeks put all his knowledge learned while working construction during high school and college to good work and Kensi, in typical fashion, picked up on the intricacies of power tools and home repair and renovation as if she was born to be a carpenter's, plumber's, and electrician's assistant.

Deeks allowed a broad smile as he thought about their house, proud of what they'd accomplished together in just a few years. The house had four bedrooms, more than ample space for the two of them, a guest room, and whatever else the other bedrooms could eventually become. The two extra bedrooms were empty at the moment, having been the last rooms they painted and carpeted during the remodel.

Just the weekend prior they'd had a backyard barbeque, inviting the whole team over for dinner. It had been an unofficial celebration of the five year anniversary of Deeks and Kensi's partnership. Nell and Eric came, as did Hetty, who brought Nate with her. Nate had been enthusiastically welcomed back, his appearance only temporary as he had some consulting work with the DoD planned.

The guys had come alone. Sam's wife and daughter had been out on a Girl Scout camping trip and Callen's girlfriend had been busy with directing a school play. Rachel and Cody brought Chase, their rambunctious and aptly named two-year-old, and the General and Diane had come up from San Diego, staying in the guest room for the weekend.

Uncharacteristically, Deeks had been mostly subdued that evening, watching Kensi interact with her family and the people they loved. So much had changed in three years. He'd watched Nell and Rachel huddled over a table with Kensi, examining photographs and notes in a binder he suspected was packed full with wedding details he preferred to know nothing about. Later he'd seen Kensi chasing after her energetic nephew, catching him up in her arms high above the ground while she laughed loudly and he squealed with delight.

And he'd watched Kensi with her surrogate parents, Diane and Robert, the kind of parents neither he nor Kensi had had the opportunity to grow up to adulthood with. Diane had recovered nearly in full from her heart attack three years earlier and she and Robert still lived in their house in San Diego following Robert's retirement from the Marine Corps as a four-star general. They came to Los Angeles frequently to visit Kensi and Deeks, as well as Cody and Rachel and their grandson, often staying in Malibu since Kensi and Deeks had the extra room.

Deeks and Kensi saw a lot of Rachel, Cody, and Chase since the two women were close friends and Deeks and Cody had developed the kind of brotherly friendship Deeks hadn't experienced since he'd first met Ray. Not to mention Rachel was always around OSP and Cody was there more and more frequently as his time as an instructor at Camp Pendleton became less and less.

The two couples spent a fair amount of time together, especially when Cody came by to help Deeks with larger repair jobs on the house. And seeing Chase as he was growing up and having a toddler around was a constant reminder to Deeks of what could be in store for him and Kensi. Just as that afternoon's close call was gnawing at the edge of his mind, making him wonder at what his partner was thinking, and question where he thought their lives might be heading.

Their mutual refusal at even considering leaving one of them with the bomb while the other escaped to safety hadn't been surprising. Abandonment wasn't something they ever entertained as a possible outcome. And Deeks knew he'd been asking Kensi to do something she would never do when he'd pleaded with her to leave. And he loved and hated that she'd refused to leave him with the bomb.

Their partnership worked. Had worked for five years. There were changes that had happened over time and were coming, even if they were basically gradual. For awhile Deeks had been wondering when they would have the kid conversation. Getting married seemed like the precedence to that discussion. He sensed Kensi was just as hesitant as he was to broach the subject. It brought up issues neither of them was quite ready to discuss, let alone try to find answers to.

He thought back to that afternoon, wondered at what Kensi and Hetty had been discussing when they were back at OSP. Kensi hadn't told him, had shrugged off his questions when he'd asked during their drive home. She'd been contemplative and although there was still that inquisitive urge he had to pester her for an answer, he reined the impulse in. Kensi would talk to him when she was ready.

Shaking his head, Deeks shivered against the chill in the air, finally catching a wave back to the shore and trotted up the sandy hill to his towel and Monty. The dog's tail immediately began to thump as he approached and Deeks gave Monty a quick head scratch before he rubbed the towel over his head and body, reaching for the waterproof pouch around Monty's neck that held his cell phone. Kensi insisted he carry a phone even when he was surfing less than a quarter mile from home, as overly protective as he thought the demand was.

Deeks sent a quick text to Kensi, letting her know he was on his way back, and then he checked his missed calls, surprised at the phone number that popped up. Curiosity getting the better of him, Deeks dialed the number back, automatically smiling at the friendly, booming voice that picked up on the other end of the line.

"Marty Deeks! Thanks for calling me back so soon, man!"

"Calvin Carter. Why in the hell are you calling me? It's been what? Five years or so since we last saw each other?"

Cal laughed over the phone, the amused sound bringing back memories of cramming for finals, celebratory parties on weekends, and the few good times Deeks could remember from his law school days.

"Something like that. I know we kind of lost track of each other after you left the DA's office and joined the police academy. Last I heard you were working as an LAPD liaison with some federal agency?"

Deeks chuckled quietly to himself. It had been a long time. Roommates during law school, he and Cal had weathered many a difficult class, not to mention served as each other's wingman during the pursuit of many a pretty co-ed. After law school he had gone off to the DA's office for a few years while Cal had joined his father's law firm. The law firm owned solely by Calvin Carter, Sr. was one of the most respected in Los Angeles, even by cops. They were known for integrity and their extensive pro bono work, not something many law firms could claim.

"I'm not with the LAPD anymore. I've been a federal agent with NCIS for three years now," Deeks replied, knowing that since Cal knew him from years before, knew he'd been an undercover cop, and had connections at LAPD, that he could at a minimum share his position as a federal agent. Beyond that the information was need-to-know, but Deeks was glad at a base level he wouldn't have to lie to his longtime friend. He could almost hear Cal's grin over the phone.

"Still catching the bad guys though, right?"

"Yeah, that's still part of the job description," Deeks laughed, enjoying the amusement in Cal's voice. They'd been a bit like two peas in a pod back in law school. They shared a similar build and that same blond hair and blue eyes that marked them as California born-and-bred. Their temperaments were similar, both were driven to succeed but could also enjoy tossing responsibility to the wind for an afternoon of surfing. Deeks' drive had come from his difficult younger years while Cal's had come from a strong desire for his father's approval.

After graduation from law school Cal, Sr., had tried to recruit Deeks to his practice. Deeks had been flattered but the possibility of doing good at the District Attorney's office had called more strongly at the time. But Deeks had always admired Cal's father, and had been saddened to hear of the man's death the year prior. He hadn't been able to attend the funeral since he'd been undercover with Kensi at the time.

Deeks sobered up, regret seeping into his voice. "Listen, I'm sorry I missed your dad's funeral last year. He was a good man."

"Thanks, Marty. That means a lot. Mom appreciated the flowers. I got your messages, it was all just a little too much to deal with at the time. Then I got busy with the practice and somehow a year went by. Sorry I let things slide like that," Cal replied hesitantly. Deeks shrugged, easily forgiving his friend.

"Don't worry about it, man. I'm glad to hear from you now. What's going on to prompt the call?"

"I was hoping you could come to the offices tomorrow? I have something I'd like to discuss with you. Something we should talk about in person."

Curious, but sensing he wouldn't get much from Cal by pressing him over the phone, Deeks agreed to stop by the law office the next morning. They would still be tying up paperwork from that day's earlier case and Hetty was usually flexible with time off when they weren't in the middle of an active case.

After hanging up with Cal, Deeks called to Monty and jogged up the beach towards home. Monty plodded a little sluggishly behind him and Deeks smiled fondly at the dog, thinking that at twelve years old he was still moving pretty well, though with a pronounced slowness that increased each year.

Deeks waved to a few neighbors, circled around to the backyard to stow his board and wipe his feet and Monty's paws, before entering the house, calling for Kensi. Passing through the kitchen, Deeks found pasta simmering on the stove and garlic bread toasting in the oven. Finishing the preparations for dinner Kensi had obviously started, Deeks then went in search of his partner, finding her dozing in a bath in the upstairs master bathroom.

Deeks watched her for a few silent minutes, enjoyed the view of her he was afforded through the water, blurred only slightly by the Epsom salts she used. Kensi wasn't one for bubble baths and the salts were soothing against some of the aches and pains they sustained while on the job. She tilted her head in his direction, smiling at him while her eyes remained closed. Deeks knelt next to the tub, dipping his hands into the water and searching for the sponge.

With wordless understanding Kensi sat forward, looping her arms around her knees and leaving her neck and back bare for him to run the sponge over. The water was just beginning to cool and when Kensi shivered Deeks stood, reaching for her robe as she stood to exit the tub. He leaned over, kissing her damp temple before leaving the bathroom.

"Dinner's ready whenever you are," Deeks said quietly, to which Kensi nodded. He returned to the kitchen, pulling out plates and silverware when Kensi came downstairs, dressed in flannel pants and one of his old LAPD t-shirts while twisting her hair into a ponytail.

They ate quietly, Deeks watching Kensi with occasional glances. He could tell she was distracted, proven in how he caught her staring off into space several times. She finally seemed to shake herself loose, gathering their empty plates and putting them into dishwasher until she returned to sit across the table from him, her gaze drifting over him.

"Something on your mind?" Deeks asked lightly, reaching for her left hand to play with her engagement ring, turning it around on her ring finger. He did that a lot, he knew. His hand would reach for hers, finding and confirming the ring that was a daily reminder of how Kensi had made him the happiest he'd ever been when she agreed to be his wife. It wasn't that he was worried he wouldn't find the ring there when he sightlessly reached for it. But he did like the tactile reminder of feeling the stone and metal on her slender finger.

Kensi's wide and watchful eyes seemed to search his face and she shrugged at his question, not confirming, not denying that she was distracted by her thoughts. He tried not to be frustrated, tried not to focus on the internally private aspects of Kensi's personality.

His patient silence was finally rewarded when Kensi spoke, her voice quietly thoughtful. "I was just thinking about how so much could change in a few months. And how things could change in the next couple of years."

Deeks turned Kensi's words over in his mind, feeling as though she was alluding to more than their upcoming wedding. On the one hand, getting married seemed like merely a formality at the current stage of their relationship. Logically Deeks could see that, could look at their relationship several years in and committed through the rational layers of shared bank accounts, home ownership, and co-habitation. Marriage just seemed like the official step to confirming everything they already were.

Then there was the other hand, the other side of the legal and logical definition of marriage. And that held the aspects that still kept Deeks in almost surprised suspense. He'd never really thought he would ever get married, let alone contemplate having a family. He hadn't sworn off permanent connections like a wife and kids. But growing up with a drunk for a father and a mother who'd abandoned him at the age of seventeen hadn't made it easy to form lasting connections.

Although Kensi had changed all that for him, he knew that they shared doubts and uncertainties leftover from being left behind and orphaned as teenagers. It was one wound and similar experience Deeks wished they didn't recognize as kindred in each other. And he knew it made them both similarly gun shy about certain topics.

"Some things will change," Deeks acknowledged. "But nothing we can't handle."

Kensi's eyes were back on his face, tinged with mysterious worry he couldn't place, and concern that wasn't characteristic of her.

"How can you be sure? How can we be sure when we don't know what those changes could be?" Kensi pressed.

Deeks resisted the urge to push Kensi's oblique allusion to what she was really thinking. As tempting as it was to prod her to tell him exactly what she was thinking, he knew Kensi sometimes needed to work things out for herself. Besides, the answer was easy enough, at least in his mind.

"Because I believe in us. And I think about all the things we've worked through and even if it's hard, whatever it is, I know we can work it out," Deeks insisted. Still sensing some of Kensi's hesitation, he tugged gently on her hand. "You trust me, right?"

Kensi's smile was instantaneous and seemed to easily wipe away any doubts she may have had. In at least this she was certain.

"Of course. You know I do," Kensi replied softly, sliding her palm to press against his and locking their fingers together. Deeks shrugged nonchalantly.

"Then don't worry so much," he said lightly, watching carefully as Kensi nodded, the light of distraction shifting across her eyes. Whatever it was, whatever she was thinking about, it was still on her mind. And she still wasn't ready to talk to him about it.

Deeks tried not to let it bother him. He tried to tell himself it was fine for Kensi to have some secrets and things she wasn't ready or didn't want to share with him. He tried not to let the slightly insecure, normally dormant side of his personality wonder at what he might be doing wrong, or might not being doing right, that kept her from sharing her thoughts. But that normally quiet part of his ego was annoyingly persistent when it wanted to be.

It did bother him. He should have asked Kensi, should have tried to get to the bottom of whatever it was. But he didn't. And the fact that he didn't, felt like he shouldn't, bothered him even more.

Because he didn't know why.

* * *

Early the next morning, Deeks dropped Kensi off at OSP, leaning into the kiss she pressed to his cheek and turning his head quickly to capture her lips with his before she could exit the car. Things had been a bit tentative between them since the day before but Deeks put that all in the back of his mind. Even before they'd recognized their connection as partners, friends, and eventually as a couple, there had been that spark of attraction from the very start. Back in the beginning neither had quite known what to make of that instantaneous flicker between them, and then circumstances of their working together had made it easy to bury for almost two years.

Now though, after all they'd been through it was an easy fallback, a familiar reminder that at the base level there was the foundation of their bodies always seeking, always remembering, always left wanting more. The physical wasn't all they had, not by far, but it was a pretty good touchstone.

He concentrated on the light touch of the soft skin of her lips, quickly turning the tenderness to more demanding. Kensi responded quickly, matching him as she always did. And like she often did, that competitive streak caused her to act, deepening the possessive kiss and reminding him of how even after three years her touch, the smell of her, and the warmth of her body still drew him in and made his heart rush and hammer loudly in his ears. Deeks smiled against her lips, feeling his heart lighten a little at the soft sigh she breathed against his mouth. No matter what, they still had that.

Kensi was blushing when she finally pulled away from him. His hand at her waist snuck under her shirt to tickle at her side and she twisted away from him, laughter brightening her eyes. Giving him a mockingly reproachful look, Kensi finally left the car, waving as she crossed the parking area towards the front entrance to OSP. Deeks watched her go, waiting until she was out of sight before heading towards Manhattan Beach.

Hetty had readily given him the morning off and Deeks was curious what Cal wanted to discuss with him. It was easy to finding Carter and Son, Attorneys at Law, two blocks east from the beach and up the sloping hill near the Manhattan Beach Pier. He'd been to the offices years ago and had admired the prime location so close to the water.

Carter and Son was known for discretely handling some high profile celebrity clients, as well as a lucrative faction of the firm that had a sterling reputation for real estate law, which Deeks recalled was Cal's area of expertise. As Deeks checked in at the front desk and waited for Cal to appear he circled around the reception area, glancing at the photos on the wall and taking in the offices he'd almost come to work in after law school. Except the DA's office, and then the eventually the police academy, had lured in down a different path.

He'd been in a lot of law firms. Most were slightly cold, lots of glass, the impression of money but very little personality. Carter and Son was none of those things. It was as if the nearby location of the beach had infected the firm. The colors of the walls were warmer, the light more golden, the furniture more inviting. He didn't see a single leather chair or stark glass desk. Everything was warm oak and the furniture fabric looked plush and comfortable enough to sleep on.

Deeks let his gaze drift over the photos. He recognized Cal, Sr., in many of the older photos. There were pictures with clients, pictures at office parties, the ubiquitous golfing lawyers photos, and pictures from around the law offices. In all of them Deeks could see the relaxed and confident man Cal's father had been. And in the later photos Deeks had to smile as he saw Cal with his father, his presence in the photos becoming stronger as the clear progression of the years continued.

"Marty!"

Deeks turned towards Cal, seeing his friend and unable to restrain his slightly surprised smile. As Cal took long strides towards him, hand extended to shake his, Deeks marveled at how much his friend was coming to look like his father.

Almost fifteen years ago, when they'd been in law school, there had certainly been a family resemblance. But the last decade had sharpened Cal's jaw, his shoulders had broadened and filled out, and he'd cut that errant mop of dark blonde hair to something a bit more kempt and professionally respectful. But there was still that glint of humor and slight mischievousness in his blue eyes that Deeks recognized.

Cal shook his hand eagerly, laying a hand on Deeks' shoulder and guiding him towards the offices past the reception area. "So glad you could make it, Marty. Let's talk in my office."

Deeks followed Cal, listening to his friend talk about the growth, their caseload, their success rates in the different divisions of the firm. Cal pulled him into his large office, floor to ceiling windows allowing in sunlight and a view of the palm trees and ocean in the distance.

"You took your dad's office," Deeks commented quietly, looking around the spacious and comfortable space. Cal passed him a bottle of water, allowing a quick glance around the office before he offered up a smile still a little tinged with sadness.

"Yeah, I thought about leaving it for someone else. But then it just felt like maybe I could be somehow a little closer to him here. Dumb, huh?"

Deeks shook his head quickly. "Not at all. Your dad was a good man, Cal. Losing him so suddenly had to be really hard."

Cal shrugged, keeping quiet in a way that told Deeks he still struggled with the loss of his father. The silence between them could have been uncomfortable but it surprisingly wasn't. Cal had lost something Deeks would never know what it felt like to lose. But he could imagine and he could sympathize with his friend. Cal was one of the few people who knew about Deeks' history with his father. Sharing secrets with someone, especially the secrets that made you who you were, was a surefire way to create a strong bond.

Deeks cleared his throat, seeing the nameplate on the door, his curiosity getting the better of him. "I see you didn't change the name of the firm. You and Katie have high hopes for young Calvin the third?"

Cal laughed, his eyes automatically going to the framed photo on the desk, placed in a prominent spot. Deeks followed his gaze, watching how Cal's face eased into a content smile at the photo of his wife and son. Katie and Cal had been married five years earlier, right before Deeks had encountered the NCIS team. Their son was three years old, if Deeks remembered correctly.

"I think it's probably too early to tell if Calvin is going to go into law. Though he is at the stage where he seems to enjoy every opportunity he has to try and boss Katie and me around. I couldn't quite make myself change the name of the firm. It was a part of Dad, and it became a part of me. Maybe someday it will be a part of my son, too. But if not, that's okay," Cal leaned back in his chair, fixing Deeks with an inquisitive gaze. "What about you? Last time we talked you had a pretty steady lady friend. Did that work out?"

Deeks grinned and nodded. "You could say that. Kensi and I are getting married in two months, in June."

Cal grinned and nodded in congratulations. "That's great, Marty! I'm happy for you. Seems like a long time since those days in law school when we used to hang out at bars all night trying to pick up girls, doesn't it?

Deeks shook his head, laughing softly, seeing by Cal's expression that he missed those kinds of nights as much as he did. As in not at all.

"What about kids? You think you guys will get started on that right away?" Cal asked curiously. Deeks shrugged, thinking once again of that very conversation he and Kensi had yet to have in great depth.

"I'm not sure. I know you don't know much about what I do, but Kensi and I are partners. And it's dangerous work. At least it can be. It kind of makes you think twice about putting a kid through that. You know, through possibly losing a parent, or both parents," Deeks said, voicing aloud the very things he worried about but hadn't been yet able to say to Kensi.

Cal watched him closely. He didn't press for details about Deeks' job, something Deeks was grateful for. And that was just like Cal. He'd always been a good listener and he easily picked up on the layers of complexity in the situation.

"Do you think Kensi might look at a job change if you guys decided to have kids?"

Deeks lifted his shoulder in uncertainty at the question. He couldn't imagine Kensi not being an NCIS agent. It was something she was so skilled at. And he wasn't certain she could be happy doing something else. The one thing he knew was that he would never ask her to change that part of herself.

"What about you? Would you consider a different job?"

Cal's question, seemingly casual, had Deeks turning to look inquisitively at his friend. That mischievous light was back in his eyes, his inability to hide the excitement lurking beneath the surface something Deeks remembered as being inherently a part of Cal. The man would take your personal secrets to the grave. But when he had something he wanted to share about what he was thinking it was impossible for him to stay quiet about it.

Deeks leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. "Why do I feel like I've been ambushed?"

Cal grinned completely unapologetically. "Probably because you have, at least a little. I did want to ask you here to catch up. But I also wanted to offer you a job."

Deeks fell back in his chair, stunned. "What? As what?"

"As my coffee boy." Cal cocked his head to the side, staring at Deeks in amusement. "Come on, Marty! As a lawyer, of course! You are still current with the bar association, right?"

Nodding dumbly, Deeks struggled to get the words out. "Yeah, after all those years in law school I wasn't about to let that lapse."

"Good, I was hoping that would be the case. Look, Marty, right before my dad died he was trying to set up another pro bono section in the firm. He wanted to take on family law cases, specifically cases that require child advocacy. And when we were tossing around ideas about who could take on that kind of work he specifically mentioned you."

Deeks was glad he wasn't standing since he wasn't sure his legs could have held him up. Cal, Sr., had always been someone Deeks had admired. He'd been a loving husband, a proud father, and a strongly moral man. And he'd always been warm and welcoming to Deeks. The idea that Cal's father had thought well enough of him to consider him for a job years after they'd been in touch left him speechless.

Cal seemed to understand the shock and he smiled gently. "I know it's a lot to consider. But I remembered from law school that out of all the classes we took, that course on children and the law probably got you fired up the most. And I think you'd be a good fit here. Not to mention if you and Kensi are thinking about having a family, this might be a good opportunity for you."

Sitting back in his chair and propping his feet on his desk, Cal ticked off his fingers one by one. "Flexible hours. Pet friendly office. Day care in the building. A very generous retirement plan. Investment in the firm's profits from day one. And I can guarantee you a more than substantial salary." Cal gestured with a hand towards the rolling waves of the ocean out his office window. "And easy beach access. Come on, Marty, say you'll think about it. I could use a good surfing buddy."

Deeks finally managed to speak, clearing his throat twice before he was able to form the words. "It means a lot that you would ask, Cal. I honestly don't know. I'm not sure I would have imagined a different career than what I'm doing now. Kensi and I are a team. It's hard to even think about changing that."

Nodding in understanding, Cal rested his arms on his desk. "I can understand that. Talk with her about it. It sounds like you guys have a lot of changes in the next couple months. Maybe this would fit into that, maybe not. I'd love to have you here. I think you could do some good things. I'm sure you do now, too. But there's the power to really take on some important cases, help people who really need someone fighting for them, even look at case law and look at changing the law. I want to give you that chance. I hope you'll at least consider it."

It was incredibly tempting. And the timing wasn't something he could ignore. It could very well be the answer to the question he still hadn't yet figured out how to ask Kensi. And he still didn't know how to ask her. But he would have to find a way.

Nodding thoughtfully, Deeks reached across the desk to shake his friend's hand. "Thank you, I will. I'm flattered that you would ask me. When do you need an answer by?"

"I can wait a little while, especially if you need the time to get everything settled in order to come here. And I'm just crazy enough to hope that you'll take the job that I'm willing to be patient. Say three months? If you aren't sure by then I'll probably have to start looking for someone else," Cal said apologetically. Deeks shook his head, dismissing the regret in Cal's voice. Three months was more than enough time for him to figure things out with Kensi and decide how their future might change. Or how it might stay the same.

Before Cal could launch into more tempting offers of employment, Deeks' cell phone rang. Seeing that it was Eric in Ops calling him, Deeks answered quickly. He'd long ago learned that ignoring Eric was never a good choice. Especially since he was generally delivering Hetty's marching orders.

"Deeks, we need you back here as soon as possible."

Deeks frowned, his curiosity getting the better of him. Everything had been fine a few hours ago. But then, sudden situations developing into near national disasters wasn't anything new for them. "What's going on, Eric?"

"That supposed accidental death of the Brigadier General in San Diego that Cody investigated yesterday? Looks like we've got a murder."

* * *

_To be continued_


	4. Chapter 4

**Note: **Sorry for the delay, went on vacation, work was/is crazy, wrote a little K/D post finale one shot. All distracted me for a short while. But back to it now. Just a general disclaimer that there's mention of crime scene forensics, pharmaceutical drugs, and other things I'm not an expert on in this story. I do a little research and use some personal knowledge. But it's fiction, so just go along with it! As always, my heartfelt thanks to **MioneAlterEgo** for the beta read. And thank you for reading and reviewing if you do! On with the show, and finally, the case!

* * *

After Deeks dropped her off at OSP, Kensi bypassed the bullpen and headed towards the armory. She had a pending stack of paperwork on her desk but doing something a bit mindless and methodical was more appealing at that moment.

Kensi allowed muscle memory to take over as she disassembled her gun, using brushes, cloth, solvents, and lubrication to clean away miniscule dirt and ensure that all the pieces of her weapon would function properly when she needed them to.

She wasn't entirely sure why she hadn't spoken to Deeks about Hetty's offer of a different position at NCIS. Initially, she'd been determined to think over the possibility on her own and come to her own decision without him trying to sway her one way or the other. Then, the night before, as they'd had dinner, he'd offered her the perfect opening.

He'd been frustrated that she hadn't taken it, she knew. He may not have known specifically why she was distracted, but he could pick up on her moods easily enough. And it was a bit of her stubborn, independent side shining through. She could admit that in the five years she'd known Deeks that he'd come to have an incredibly strong effect on her. Most of the time she didn't mind. In many ways he'd made her a stronger person, had changed how she saw the world and how she took on challenges. His humor and compassion had altered how she looked at the world.

But sometimes the old Kensi Blye, the independent her from more than five years ago, reared up and scoffed at someone else influencing her and making her change her mind or second guess herself. Sometimes the old her really wondered how that had all happened. But that was just the contrary side of herself. Deep down she really did know why. And she wouldn't change a thing, not really.

Kensi let her mind wander, thinking back to the weekend before at the backyard barbeque she and Deeks had hosted at their house. It had been a beautiful spring day and as the sun began to drop towards the horizon, the light breeze and sounds and smell of the ocean made it hard to imagine living anywhere else. And surrounded by all the people important in her life, Kensi had felt happy.

She remembered back to a conversation she'd had with Robert, her father's best friend before he'd died and a surrogate father to her. At the time it had seemed like a fairly innocent conversation, although it may have subconsciously started her thinking down the path she'd begun the day before. In light of the events of the past few days, Kensi couldn't help but dwell on it again in a new light.

"_Kensi, need a hand with that?"_

_Kensi nodded with a relieved smile as Robert joined her over by the barbeque, taking the plate of chicken, hamburgers, and hot dogs from her hands. Lifting the second plate, she led the way to the outdoor table, where food was beginning to crowd the table as dinner drew closer. _

_Following her lead, Robert set the plate of meat down at the center of the table, then returned with her to the grill. She turned to Robert with an amused smile, since he appeared to be following her rather aimlessly, then she grinned at the offering in his hands. Kensi gratefully took the beer he held up for her as she lifted the lid of the grill, turning the remaining meat over to cook more thoroughly._

_They stood quietly together and Kensi was pleased to note that it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It had taken a few years for them to work through the hurt feelings of the past, of Robert's earlier attempts to control her life, and of her rejection of his interference. And it had taken them both realizing that for all the hurt they'd felt, their connection was strong enough to forgive and move forward._

"_So, what's next for you two now that the house is done?" Robert asked her curiously, taking a drag from his beer. Kensi shrugged and rocked back on her heels, surveying the backyard she and Deeks had spent months working on. _

_Correction: that Rachel had spent months on. It had taken significantly more landscaping skills than either Kensi or Deeks possessed, and with Rachel's mother owning a nursery and her own affinity for plants and flowers, Rachel had gladly taken over responsibility for turning their backyard into a virtual paradise._

"_I'm not really sure. It's been a long time since every spare moment hasn't been taken up with work or the house," Kensi mused. "I think it'll be nice to just enjoy it for awhile."_

_Robert gave her a wide grin, his eyes twinkling with a teasing light. "You know it'll only be a matter of time before Diane is pushing you and Deeks about filling those spare bedrooms."_

_Chuckling and shaking her head, Kensi met Robert's eyes knowingly. "You don't think she'd be satisfied with a home gym, office space, and a library?"_

_Robert laughed out loud, the sound pleasantly unguarded. Kensi had noticed since his retirement that the General had loosened up, had become more openly affectionate, and seemed more relaxed. The demands of being a civilian were certainly different than those of a four-star general. The Keppinger men were soldiers through and through, but even Robert had learned how to gracefully retire from active service._

"_Cody and Rachel bought you a little time with Chase, but I wouldn't count on long before Diane is dropping hints," Robert said, his eyes drifting over to his wife, his face softening with affection as his gaze settled on Diane where she was talking with Nell and Eric. "She just wants you two to be happy. We both do. Whether that means with children or not."_

_Kensi was silently thoughtful as she glanced towards the house, seeing Chase exit the kitchen, arms full of plastic glasses and plates and walking a bit unsteadily. At only two years old, Chase was still small and slightly uncoordinated. But Kensi knew her nephew was also a determined helper, and had probably insisted he could carry everything to the table, all on his own._

_It didn't take long before gravity took over and Chase dropped the glasses and plates. They tumbled and spilled loudly, albeit harmlessly, over the stone path and grass, and Kensi saw Chase's face redden in horror, his eyes filling with tears as only a toddler's could at the disaster of a mess he felt he'd caused. Kensi was about to go over and reassure him that no harm was done when Deeks strode from the house, his concerned eyes fixed on Chase as he quickly knelt down in front of the boy._

_She watched as Deeks smiled at Chase, calming him down from the edge of his meltdown by ruffling his hair and distracting him from the mess around them. Kensi couldn't help but smile as Chase's distress turned to relief that he wasn't in trouble, then laughter as Deeks tickled his side. And she watched as Deeks stayed down at Chase's level, guiding him over and helping him pick up the plates and glasses. She heard him tell Chase it was no big deal and that everything was fine, but that they also needed to clean up after themselves._

"_He's going to be a great dad."_

_Kensi turned at the sound of Robert's voice, satisfied and firm to her right. She raised an eyebrow in question, curious how he'd known the very thoughts running through her head. It seemed that she was becoming less and less adept at hiding what she was thinking. She considered for only a second before she voiced the worried thought in her head._

"_He wonders about that sometimes. About how he could be a good parent after his own upbringing," Kensi admitted, knowing that Robert and Diane knew the general details of Deeks' past. _

"_I think every parent wonders if they'll be at good at it. It's all just a scary, unknown prospect until it actually happens. Some people are naturally good at it. Others aren't. And your past doesn't define you, Kensi." She turned at his words, facing Robert fully as she reflected thoughtfully on his words. "Deeks is a prime example of that. And so are you. You've both become people you probably never thought you would."_

Kensi was finishing cleaning her gun as the General's words echoed through her head. Deeks had become someone he probably never would have imagined after his teenage years. His father sent to prison, his emotionally damaged mother unable to deal with her responsibilities as a parent, he'd been on his own since the age of seventeen.

And her life had taken turns she never expected. Certainly not when she'd been fifteen and thought her father would live forever. And not when she'd been eighteen, engaged to her first love. And definitely not when she'd been in her early twenties, her mind and resolve set that she would never allow anyone close enough to hurt her ever again.

And now her life was turning again. Or at least there was a hint of a turn, of a change in the ebb and flow of the tide around her. Kensi sighed in frustration as she finished assembling her gun, stowing the weapon and beginning to clean up her work area. She needed to talk to Deeks, needed to figure out with him how these possible changes and turns might affect them.

She wanted to be angry that she almost felt like she couldn't even make her own decisions without his viewpoint. But there was a voice in her head that told her that it wasn't just her decision she was contemplating. It wasn't just her that might be affected. It was both of them. And as hard as it had been to accept, as half of a partnership, both professional and personal, decisions that affected both of them shouldn't be made without consideration from the other partner. And they were partners in nearly every sense of the word.

Kensi had resolved to herself that she would speak to Deeks later that day, as soon as he got back from meeting his college roommate, when Cody entered the armory, his face lighting with a friendly smile as he caught sight of her. Kensi gave her brother a fond smile, always glad to see him back at OSP. Prior to his coming to work at OSP she'd rarely seen Cody; it had been years between their encounters. But in the last three years he'd become a fixture there and she couldn't quite imagine him anywhere else.

Dropping the file in his hand on the table he sat across from her, swinging the seat around so he could face her. She couldn't help the amused grin as Cody tried to fold his long legs around the rungs of the stool, and tried to perch his impressively built body on the very small seat. Although Cody wasn't exactly active duty any longer, his discipline for keeping in shape nearly rivaled Sam's. And that had been something that bonded the Navy SEAL and Marine Special Operations soldier from almost the first moment they'd met. Not to mention it endeared Cody to Callen since having a regular workout partner took some of the heat off Callen from Sam's insistent pestering about diet and exercise.

"Welcome home. Anything interesting in San Diego?" Kensi asked, gesturing to the file on the table. Cody shrugged, leaning forward on his crossed elbows.

"The local assigned NCIS agent didn't think so. Brigadier General Thomas Benning, aged sixty-two, died a month ago. He used to work in intelligence so his death initially caught our attention. Retired as a one-star from the Corps ten years ago in 2005, had some health problems but it appears he died from really bad luck and the side effects of heart disease." Curious, Kensi picked up the file and flipped through it, her eyes widening at the index page of bloody photos inside as Cody continued speaking. "It looks like he fell down the stairs and a compound fracture in his leg opened a pretty nasty wound around the artery. He bled out before he could get help. His housekeeper found him in his home the morning after he fell."

Kensi immediately flipped to the autopsy report as Cody continued to narrate. "The ME did an autopsy and it looks like, in addition to the injury, his blood didn't clot properly. There's an initial tox screen in there but according to the ME it didn't reveal anything abnormal. The NCIS agent ruled it accidental. Hetty asked me to pick up the case file when I was down there yesterday to close it out."

Her eyes narrowing as she read through the list of chemicals found in Benning's blood, she quickly zeroed in on two, turning the page around for Cody to see.

"There's also something odd here. He was on warfarin, probably to treat his heart disease, and that slows blood clotting. But there are also traces of bromelain in his blood. That slows blood clotting, too. No way those should be taken together," Kensi observed. At Cody's questioning look, she continued. "I did a lot of research when your mom was still recovering. Remember how she wanted to try those herbal supplements?"

Cody nodded quickly and Kensi pressed on. "With any heart condition you have to be really careful about mixing pharmaceuticals with herbal treatments. People think herbs are harmless, but they sometimes intensify the effect of prescribed drugs. Any dosage of warfarin has to be heavily regulated, taken with herbal medications with bromelain in them would have made Benning an accident waiting to happen. Any wound would have bled for a long time, but this large of a wound would have been especially difficult to stop."

Kensi pushed the tox screen back into Cody's hands and he read through it, then double-checked the part of the file with interview statements before raising his curious brown eyes to hers. "It says here the NCIS agent talked with Benning's doctor and he didn't mention any herbal supplements."

Flipping through the photos of the crime scene and house, Kensi came across photos of the evidence bags. She pointed at the bags holding the orange canisters identifying them as medication. "Do we still have the prescriptions in evidence?"

"Yeah, they were going to box it up and return it all to Benning's next of kin once we reached our final ruling."

Kensi tapped the photo. "I say have them run the drugs. Make sure they are what they say they are."

Cody was quick to nod, then he swiveled around, leaving the armory and pulling out his phone as he went. Turning back to the file, Kensi looked through the photos again, taking in the bloody scene around the body of Thomas Benning. Even without the drugs in his blood stream making blood clotting near impossible, it would have been a serious wound.

Kensi was about to flip to another page of the file when one photo caught her eye. She squinted and looked closer, wondering if she was really seeing what she thought she was. Cody returned to the armory, coming up next to her and leaning over her shoulder to look at the same photo.

"What do you see?" Cody asked quietly, his breath fanning her hair. Kensi shook her head.

"I'm not sure. We have these digitally, right?"

Cody nodded and he led the way upstairs to Ops, taking over one of the giant touch screens and quickly navigating to the share drive with the electronic version of the file. Then Kensi took over, scanning through the photos until she found the one she was looking for. Enlarging the photo, she smiled with grim satisfaction as her suspicion was confirmed.

"Right there," Kensi said, pointing at the shadow of dried blood pooled on the carpet. Coming up next to her, Cody crossed his arms over his broad chest and squinted at the same photo before shrugging.

"Help me out here, Kensi. The forensics stuff is more your expertise."

Circling the area with her finger, Kensi pointed at several different shapes of the blood spatter, then also at the other photos of the body and where it was positioned on the carpet.

"The way he fell you can tell he struggled around a little before he lost consciousness from the blood loss, probably trying to reach the phone. But even with his movements, this pooling and spattering of blood is abnormal. It's out of place and his movements couldn't have made it."

Dawning awareness lit Cody's eyes and he straightened his back, pointing back at the photo of Benning's body.

"You mean—"

"Somebody else was there when he died. They watched it happen and they didn't do anything."

It was a new puzzle and a new case. It may have started with a terrible death, but she couldn't help but be excited at the challenge.

Grimly, Cody rubbed a hand along his jaw. "And people don't usually just stand by and watch other people die—"

Kensi nodded, feeling her heart begin to race as she finished Cody's thought. "—Unless they want them dead."

* * *

Deeks was parking back at OSP, having left Cal's law firm in Manhattan Beach thirty minutes earlier, when his phone rang again. Recognizing the number as belonging to the LAPD, he was quick to answer. Even after three years he'd remained the primary point of contact between the LAPD and NCIS. And the LAPD didn't call him unless it was important.

"Agent Deeks."

"Deeks, it's Detective Kyle Porter."

Remembering Kyle from back in his days in Robbery Division, and remembering Kyle had been one of the better cops he'd worked with, Deeks allowed a smile, keeping his tone friendly. "Kyle, good to hear from you." He paused, jumping immediately to the next thought. "Though considering the reason you're calling, maybe not. What's going on?"

"I wish it was for something less serious, but we've got a home invasion case that you guys might be interested in. Robbery and Homicide here have been fighting over it, but when the guy showed up as an active duty Marine I suggested we call you."

Deeks took a deep breath, guessing that with this possible case and the earlier call from Eric that their quiet day of paperwork was about to disappear.

"I appreciate the head's up. Tell me what you've got."

Deeks listened as Kyle rattled off details, walking quickly through OSP, noting the team wasn't in the bullpen and bypassing his desk as he took the stairs up to Ops. He paused at the doorway, waiting to enter until he hung up with Kyle.

"Okay, thanks, Kyle. Can you upload the files to the cloud database?"

"Already done."

"We'll take a look at it. Assume the case is ours unless I call back. It's up to my boss but I'm guessing she'll want to take it over since the victim is one of ours."

Deeks hung up with Kyle, then walked through the automatic sliding doors of Ops after they parted to let him pass. He nodded around to the team, seeing they were in the middle of a briefing. Deeks scanned the room quickly, automatically searching for Kensi. When he didn't see her there he allowed only momentary curiosity at her absence. He noted that Callen and Cody were also missing.

"Mr. Deeks, thank you for joining us."

Hetty's voice was dry and a little reproachful but Deeks merely gave her a broad smile.

"Hetty, you said I could have the morning off. It's not my fault you couldn't handle things here without me for a few hours."

His tone had been teasing, but at Hetty's silent and unblinking stare directed his way, Deeks cleared his throat, then turned his gaze over to Eric, desperate to change the subject.

"What's going on, Eric?"

"Cody came back from San Diego with the report on the death of Brigadier General Thomas Benning. It was ruled accidental but when Kensi and Cody were talking about the file Kensi noticed something suspicious in the tox screen. A closer look at the evidence from the case showed that some of Benning's medications had been replaced, most likely without his knowledge, and this may have contributed to his death." Eric replied, bringing up the electronic version of the file on the screen in front of them. He selected several file names, bring up crime scene photos.

"And Kensi took a closer look at photos from the scene and found some forensic irregularities there, too, indicating there may have been someone else present when Benning died. It's not conclusive, but it suggests foul play, something we wouldn't have known about if Kensi hadn't caught it."

Deeks couldn't help the proud grin that split his face. "That's my girl."

Sam snorted softly, shaking his head as Deeks held his hands out widely, not bothering to attempt to feel ashamed. "What? She is."

"Thank you, Mr. Deeks. We are well aware, considering your wedding is only a few short months away."

"Speaking of the wedding, why haven't I gotten an invitation yet?" Sam asked pointedly, crossing his arms and facing Deeks. Feeling nervous and suddenly under inquisition from Sam's unflinching stare, Deeks offered up a friendly smile.

"I don't know Sam, that's really more Kensi's area," Deeks stammered. Then he looked past Sam, seeing potential salvation in the petite redhead sitting next to Eric, singularly focused on her computer screen. "Nell! You're a bridesmaid. Do we have a wedding invitation for Sam? A 'Save the Date' card? Anything?"

Busily working away, Nell only allowed him an exasperated glance and a dismissive shake of her head, and Deeks tried not to wilt under Sam's focused glare. Thankfully, Hetty decided to save him.

"I believe we have more important things to worry about right now. Mr. Callen, Ms. Blye, and Mr. Keppinger have gone back to San Diego to question the agent assigned to the case, the ME, and the potential witnesses. Mr. Keppinger is familiar with the details and parties involved and Ms. Blye has the forensics background we clearly need for this case. And Mr. Callen—"

"Probably went along because he knew they'd stop for food at Casa Guadalajara," Deeks grumbled, thinking of the best Mexican restaurant in Old Town San Diego.

"We'll assume Mr. Callen's motives were a little more altruistic, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said pointedly. "In the meantime, it looks as though you and Mr. Hanna would now be able to follow them down to assist."

"Actually, Hetty, as I was coming in I got a call from LAPD on a new case," Deeks replied, stepping forward to pull up the case file Kyle had uploaded from the LAPD servers.

"Lieutenant Colonel Jason Callahan was killed during what looks like a home robbery gone wrong. He's here in Los Angeles assigned as a liaison with the Department of the Army and the Department of Defense in southern California. Callahan lived in the San Fernando Valley, it looks like someone came to rob his house, was surprised to find him there, Callahan fought back and was killed."

Deeks looked through the files, pulling up the photos Kyle had uploaded. He'd seen a lot of blood and violence in his years as a cop. Even still, photos like these still managed to register as shocking. The sheer brutality of the photos in this case was shown in the blood painting the walls in angry splashes, the clearly broken limbs of the victim, and the shattered glass and splintered wood of the furniture of Callahan's home.

Sam came up next to Deeks, his watchful eyes taking in each photo in turn. "This looks like more than just a robbery gone wrong. Something made the guy who did this very, very angry."

At Sam's quietly perceptive words, Deeks took a closer look at the crime scene. There was some truth there. Scenes of robberies and homicides were common, both as a cop and as an agent. And crime scenes were often a window into the personality and soul of the perpetrator. Just as they provided physical evidence to suggest the criminal behind the act, they offered psychological clues as well.

"It looks like Lieutenant Colonel Jason Callahan was involved in managing several high profile contracts for the DoD, including the negotiations for the design of the new top secret fighter jet for the Navy," Eric said as he pulled up Callahan's service record.

"The successor to the F-18 Hornet? That contract's gotta be worth a lot," Sam commented.

"A current F-18 Hornet built by Boeing goes for about $50 million," Nell offered, to which Deeks allowed a low whistle.

"So I'm guessing controlling who got that contract might be pretty important to some people," Deeks replied. He traded glances with Sam, seeing understanding in his fellow agent's eyes. "Could be a robbery gone wrong, could be an attempt to interfere with Callahan's work."

"Very well. Mr. Deeks and Mr. Hanna, please investigate further the death of Lieutenant Colonel Jason Callahan. We will assume control of the investigation from the LAPD," Hetty turned to leave Ops, her shoulders stooped slightly. She paused at the doorway, looking back at Deeks and Sam as she shook her head sadly.

"Two Marines dead, perhaps murdered. Let's get to the bottom of this gentlemen, I don't like these things happening under our watch."

Deeks felt his breath catch a little at Hetty's words, felt them cut deeper than they might have a few years ago. Not because she directed the words at them, but because he understood. Before NCIS he'd certainly respected those who served. But working as an agent he'd come to appreciate their service and sacrifice more. And having a friend in Cody, and a family with the Keppingers, it brought it all a little closer to home.

Telling Eric and Nell they would be in touch, Deeks followed Sam from Ops, turning his mind to the case and forcing aside the conflicting thoughts about his and Kensi's future, and about his potential job offer. Those were thoughts and decisions that would have to wait.

* * *

_To be continued_


	5. Chapter 5

Driving north and away from the main part of Los Angeles, Deeks was quiet and contemplative as Sam drove. Although they unequivocally preferred their own partners, he and Sam had managed to carve out their own sort of friendship. Really, it was more of an antagonistic relationship, charged with how they each saw the world in different ways. In a stressful and dangerous situation they actually dealt with things in a similar focused and calm manner.

It was the rest of life where they differed. It was almost as if their approaches to life were as divided as the two cities they'd each grown up in, separated by the vast country between Los Angeles and Brooklyn. But deep down, at the core of both of them, Deeks knew they were driven by similar goals. And although their relationship had become something like that of an older brother who tolerated his annoying younger sibling, there was also a fondness to their teasing, an acceptance of their different personalities. Deeks had gained respect for the discipline Sam stood for, and the unfailing loyalty and deference he commanded from those he worked with. And Sam had learned to loosen up a little more and take things in stride.

Which was why in the ride to Northridge the silence wasn't something Deeks felt as though he needed to fill. Years ago around Sam that hadn't always been the case. And he was still distracted by the temptation of Cal's offer, his thoughts keeping him quiet. But as if he sensed something was slightly off, Sam chose that moment to suddenly become perceptive about Deeks' mood.

"Out with it, Deeks."

Sam's tone, curiosity overcome by impatience, had Deeks turning to Sam and raising an eyebrow. "Out with what?"

Sam shot him a look that said Deeks wasn't fooling him, not for a second.

"You're distracted by something. What's got you so quiet?"

"I'm not—" Deeks objected, even while deep down he knew Sam clearly had his number.

"Yes, you are. You're downright pensive. It's unnatural."

Deeks grinned and chuckled, despite how he also felt a little unsettled that Sam had been able to read him so easily. Kensi might know him best, but clearly the familiarity had rubbed off on the rest of the team as well. It actually made him stop and consider Cal's offer from a new angle he hadn't considered before.

Naturally, he'd been distracted by the idea of no longer being Kensi's partner. But there was the rest of the team to consider as well. He'd formed some of the longest relationships he'd had in his adult life. Deeks knew no matter what that the friendships, the family, wouldn't be lost even if he left NCIS. The bonds went deeper and were forged in something stronger than simply being co-workers. But he couldn't imagine not being a part of their everyday lives.

Sam spared him a quick and pointed look before turning his gaze back to the road, silently demanding a response from Deeks. And he contemplated what to tell Sam. He was a little hesitant to lay out Cal's offer before he'd had a chance to talk to Kensi. But as a family man, with the kinds of demands Deeks could only imagine, Sam had a unique perspective. And it was one Deeks was suddenly curious to hear.

"I went and saw my roommate from college this morning. He has a law firm in Manhattan Beach. He offered me a job," Deeks said bluntly, knowing that quickly laying out the facts with Sam was generally the best way. Sam didn't like to beat around the bush and he was one of the most forthright people Deeks knew.

Glancing over at Sam's profile, Deeks could tell the man was surprised. His hand on the steering wheel tightened briefly and he rubbed his chin thoughtfully, clearly gathering his thoughts before he spoke.

"Do you want to take it?"

Deeks shrugged, the question not an easy one to answer.

"I don't know if I want to, exactly. In another life it would be very tempting."

"In what other life?"

Treading on the outskirts of the very subject he and Kensi had yet to discuss, Deeks shifted in his seat, struggling with coming up with the words.

"I guess in a life where I wasn't already in law enforcement. Or a life where I had a wife and kids."

"Deeks, that life is right around the corner for you."

Feeling as though Sam was pointing out the very things his brain had already been telling him but he'd been hesitant to really think about, Deeks nodded reluctantly. "I guess you're right."

"There's no guessing. You're going to have the wife. And I'm assuming you and Kensi want kids," Sam pressed. Resisting the urge to squirm, Deeks shrugged.

"I think we do."

"Deeks, come on. You 'think' you do? Haven't you guys talked about this stuff?" Sam said incredulously.

"Yeah, we have. I mean, theoretically. And a couple years ago. Not recently," Deeks replied, feeling defensive in a way only Sam seemed to be able to bring out of him.

"Look, Deeks, I can tell you guys want to be parents. Even if you don't think it's something you've figured out. And that means some tough choices."

"How do you do it?" Deeks asked, intimating without asking directly how Sam dealt with having a wife and children who didn't know the dangerous job he had while he knew every single day as he left the house that it was possible he wouldn't return to them. Years ago Sam might not have understood what Deeks was asking. But in the last five years they'd managed to form their own method of silent communication. Different than what Sam shared with Callen and what Deeks shared with Kensi, and unique all on its own.

"It's different for me. My family doesn't know what I do," Sam replied quietly. And Deeks could tell that bothered Sam. He wasn't someone who wore the role of a liar well. Not when it came to the people he loved.

"They don't. But you do. You know that your job puts you at a higher risk of never coming home to them. What makes that okay for you?" Deeks pushed, wanting the real and honest answer. Because it was the very thing pulsing at the front of his mind.

Sam was quiet for several long minutes and Deeks was starting to wonder if he was going to answer when he finally spoke, his voice low and thoughtful.

"I know what we do matters. I know it's important. I can't control all the bad things that happen in the world. But I know that doing what I do, I might just be doing something that keeps my family a little safer," Sam replied firmly, his voice full of the absolute conviction that he believed every word he said. "I do it for them. Even if they don't know that."

Deeks nodded to himself, knowing Sam was being as truthful as he'd probably ever been with him. And even if most of the world didn't know it, the NCIS team had managed to play a major part in avoiding several catastrophes that would have cost the lives of many people. Being a part of something that big and important was no small thing.

Even still, there was an important aspect, one that Deeks knew Sam had never had to consider. And even though he had a feeling he knew the answer, he had to hear Sam say it.

"How would things be different, if your life was different? What would you do if you were me, but had a family and your wife was in the same line of work as you? Would that change your decision to do what you do?" Deeks asked. Stopping at a red light, Sam fixed Deeks with a knowing stare.

"Like I said, it's different for me. My family means everything to me. I know I keep them safer doing what we do. But I also know that if something happens to me, my wife will take care of our children. They'll have each other." Sam paused, accelerating through the intersection and turning his attention back to the road. "But nothing is more important than my kids. I would never put them at unnecessary risk of losing both parents."

Having already come to the conclusion Sam had voiced, Deeks nodded in acceptance. He could only imagine how he would feel as a father. But Sam's conviction and his steady and constant love and protectiveness towards his children was something he could easily see becoming a part of who he was.

Pulling to a stop in front of a two-story bungalow, Sam turned off the car, giving Deeks a sympathetic glance.

"I don't envy the decision you and Kensi have to make."

"I'm not even sure it's one to be making right now. We're not even married yet. And kids? Who knows when that will happen? Or even if it will happen," Deeks said, almost wishing he didn't have to consider the hard questions tumbling around in his head.

"Putting off the difficult decisions doesn't make them easier, Deeks. Besides, this job offer, is it a good one?"

"Yeah, it is. A really good one. If I was ever going to practice law again it really couldn't get any better than this."

With a sudden grin, Sam reached over and gave Deeks a friendly pat on the chest. "You know, I have a hard time picturing you as a lawyer. How did you manage to keep your motor mouth under control?"

Deeks snorted. "Shows what you know about lawyers. They love to talk and hear themselves speak. I was great at it."

Nodding thoughtfully, Sam gave him a wry smile. "Then I'd bet you'd be great at it again, if that's what you wanted. And if it's what you and Kensi decided."

With a quick release of breath, Deeks nodded, then fixed Sam with a steady gaze. "I haven't talked to Kensi about this yet. Keep it under wraps for me?"

The only hint of surprise a quick lift of his eyebrows, Sam nodded. Both men exited the car, heading towards the house where a uniformed cop stood as sentry. Sam's hand on his shoulder, heavy and warm, made Deeks pause at the foot of the steps up to the house.

"Just for the record, I'd be sorry to see you go, Deeks." Sam said, then continued quickly. "And if you repeat that or make me regret saying it I promise I will make you sorry."

Deeks pressed his lips shut, still unable to stop the smile that threatened to break free. But he wisely kept silent, noting that in equal measure Sam didn't give compliments he didn't mean and he didn't threaten lightly. It might have taken Sam five years to come out and say he valued Deeks as a team member and that wasn't something Deeks planned to either overlook or dwell on. It just was.

After checking in with the police officer, Sam and Deeks gained access to the crime scene, donning gloves and beginning their sweep around the room. The body had been removed by the coroner but the rest of the scene was largely untouched, except for the visible evidence of where the police had attempted to lift fingerprints.

"Anything on if they ID'd anyone other than the victim?" Sam asked. Deeks flipped through the file he'd printed from the LAPD's initial report and shook his head.

"No prints other than the victim's. No hair and fiber out of place either. The LAPD basically came up with nothing. There was a forced entry through the back door and lots of broken furniture," Deeks said, his eyes sweeping the chaos of the room. "But no clues on the attacker."

By silent agreement both men carefully swept the scene, trying to determine if the LAPD had missed anything. The room where Lieutenant Colonel Jason Callahan was killed yielded no results so they expanded their search, moving to the rest of the house. Deeks saw the frustration he felt reflected in the grim frown on Sam's face as their search came up empty inside the house.

"I'll take the back, you take the front," Sam suggested gruffly. Deeks nodded, exiting onto the porch of the house. He checked all the windows, the ground outside the windows and the exterior of the house in hopes of finding a strand of hair, torn fabric, a footprint, anything.

Deeks swept the front lawn, coming out to the sidewalk and facing the house. Letting his gaze settle on the house he considered if he'd missed any place to look. Shaking his head, Deeks was about to head back into the house to reconvene with Sam when he looked down at the ground, his eyes catching on a bald patch of the front lawn, the earth bare and muddy. And there, in the mud, was a perfectly formed impression of a tire tread.

Feeling triumphant of the discovery, Deeks quickly pulled out his phone, snapping quick photos of the impression. He tried to push down the excitement of the find. It could be an impression from the victim's car. The driveway was narrow and the space between the sidewalk and street short. It was likely that the edge of the yard was worn away from grass because the victim often cut the corner as he was backing out his car. But the impression was fresh and Deeks thanked whatever green thumb the victim might have had that made him water his lawn regularly, keeping the ground soft enough to capture the tire tread.

Contacting Eric to get him focused on trying to identify the type of tire that made the impression, he also passed on the make and model of the victim's car, still sitting in the driveway, to either confirm it made the tread or eliminate it as a possible cause.

Sam was just exiting the house when Deeks' phone rang again, signaling Eric's call.

"What've you got, Eric?"

"It looks like that impression was made by a Firestone tire pretty popular on several SUVs. Six different models, and the victim's car isn't one of them. I've got a search running on nearby traffic cameras to see if any of them caught vehicles with those tires coming to or from the victim's house a couple hours on either end of the murder. The nearest cameras are a fair distance away and there are a bunch of them so it's going to take awhile."

"That's great, Eric. Sam and I are done here. I think we'll check in with LAPD and then we'll head back. Let us know if anything comes up," Deeks replied, before hanging up and explaining to Sam what he'd found.

Getting back in the car, Sam turned south, heading towards the nearby police station. Deeks could tell the tables had turned and now something was bothering Sam.

"Alright, Sam, now it's your turn. What's on your mind?"

Sam tapped the steering wheel, his finger a steady rhythm of careful thought. "I thought when I saw the crime scene photos that the violence looked like more than a simple robbery gone wrong. But seeing it up close, I'm convinced. There was way too much rage. Something about this was personal. We need to find out more about Callahan's life."

Agreeing with a nod, as Sam drove Deeks dialed Nell, getting her started on running a list of family, friends, and co-workers of Lieutenant Colonel Jason Callahan that they could interview. Within a few minutes of hanging up with Nell names and addresses began to pop up on his phone as Nell fed him all the various associates Callahan had known.

Deeks sighed, seeing it was a lengthy list and knowing they had their work cut out for them. But if Callahan had been targeted and murdered there were national security implications to consider. The Lieutenant Colonel had access to more than a few sensitive files and information about the nation's defenses. Who knew what the murderer might have been after? And who knew what he'd managed to get from Callahan before he'd died?

* * *

Hours later, Sam and Deeks returned to Ops as the sun was falling behind the horizon. Their long afternoon gathering information from the police and questioning Callahan's associates hadn't resulted in any additional leads. Their murder was starting to look unintentional, as if Callahan had simply been at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Except for the tire tread. Deeks was still stuck on that, making a beeline for Eric as soon as he and Sam entered Ops. Eric gave him an enthusiastic smile, motioning him over to look closer at the computer screen. Laying a hand on the back of Eric's chair, Deeks leaned over, watching as Eric fast-forwarded through several hours of traffic camera footage.

"This is the video from the four traffic cameras located within a few miles of Callshan's house. I'm looking at the four hours before and after the estimated time of death and cross checking the cars in that timeframe with the possible vehicles that might have caused the impression. So far I've got a few matches. But I'm trying to narrow down the possibilities, comparing the vehicles to routes and the foreseeable time to and from the scene," Eric explained. Deeks nodded, trying not to let his impatience show. The lack of forward momentum from the afternoon's fruitless questioning had already left him frustrated.

Checking his watch, and feeling the long day stretched behind him, Deeks frowned and looked back at Eric. "Have you heard from Kensi and the others? Are they back from San Diego yet?"

Eric shrugged. "A few hours ago they checked in that they were on their way back."

Deeks grinned and shook his head. "I bet they slacked off and stopped for a siesta on their way back—"

"Is that any way to talk about your teammates who were nice enough to bring food back?" Cody interrupted, his tone mock offended as he, Callen, and Kensi entered Ops, each carrying heavily loaded take out bags. Deeks laughed and gave Cody's back a quick slap, to which the other man turned around and punched him in the shoulder. Wincing, Deeks ducked away, going to stand behind Kensi.

"Damn, Cody, where'd you learn to hit like that? I see where you get it from, Kensi," Deeks said, letting his hand briefly skate down her arm, lightly skimming her hand before he stepped back from her a little. Kensi arched an eyebrow at him, lifting her chin in pretend defiance.

"How do you know he didn't learn that from me?" she challenged. With Cody laughing in the background, Deeks grinned and shook his head, admitting defeat. Kensi held up a peace offering, Mexican food that tickled his nose with the smell of spices, meat, and cheese.

"Casa Guadalajara?" Kensi nodded once. "Enchiladas with red sauce?" Another nod. "Spiced pork? Extra sauce?" Kensi's eyebrows raised, as if questioning how he could doubt her. Deeks allowed a wide but gentle smile, then leaned down, brushing his lips over her cheek for a brief kiss, inhaling the smell of her, uncomfortably absent since the morning.

"Thanks, Kens," he murmured, reaching to take the bag from her. Kensi held it back, holding it behind her back.

"Oh, no, this food isn't just for you. You have to share," she said pointedly. Deeks nodded with agreement, smiling knowingly at Kensi and her instinctively territorial response to good food. She didn't share with many people but she did share with him.

Turning back to check with Callen and Eric, Deeks hooked a thumb, gesturing to downstairs. "Do we have some time before we talk about the case?"

Callen nodded, motioning at the search programs running on the screens. "It looks like Eric's program is still running on your case. And we'll debrief on the Benning case in thirty minutes."

Giving Kensi a gentle shove towards the sliding doors with his hip, Deeks followed Kensi downstairs past the bullpen, watching as she heated up the food and handed him his share, then joined him on the couch, tucking her feet up underneath her. They sat close together, Kensi's knee resting against his thigh, and they silently ate for a few minutes.

It wasn't often that they spent a day apart. And Deeks realized that he'd missed her, missed the easy predictability of her being there, of her touch and her every anticipated response when he looked at her. And he even missed the unpredictability of her, the way she kept him on his toes when he wasn't looking. And even when he was looking. And the fact that they'd been apart, that much had happened since he'd dropped her off that morning, made him anxious to talk to her.

Kensi beat him to it, swallowing a bite of her food and then pointing her fork at him. "How was your visit with your college friend?"

"It was good. Cal's doing well. His practice is thriving, even with his father passing away last year. It was great to see him. Law school seems like a lifetime ago," Deeks paused, the golden light of the setting sun as it came in through the window behind the couch distracting him for a second. He thought about Cal's job offer, wondered if it was the right time to tell Kensi. Whether or not it was the right time, he concluded he didn't like not telling her. "He offered me a job."

Deeks watched Kensi carefully, noted the way she immediately went still, fork raised midair from where she'd just put a mouthful of rice in her mouth. Her eyes were fixed on him, fathomless but shock shining back at him. He waited, searching for the emotions he expected to see on her face. The surprise was there, but deeper than he expected. And there was a flash of something that looked like disappointment. Or maybe anger.

Taking a deep breath, Deeks struggled with what to say. Kensi was suddenly silent and seeming to struggle as she chewed and swallowed her food, putting her plate down.

"What did you say?" Kensi asked softly, her casual voice trying to hide her curiosity, which Deeks heard loudly beneath her quiet question.

"I said I would think about it. He didn't need an answer right away. But it's a good job. And it might be good for me, for us, for our family—" Deeks trailed off, falling silent at the apprehension on Kensi's face.

"Do you want to be a lawyer again? Do you not want to be an agent anymore?" Kensi asked quietly, her surprise seemingly shuttered behind cautious eyes.

He couldn't place the expression on her face. There was certainly shock, but he wasn't sure if it was because of his news or something else. And there was that same disappointment camouflaged as either anger or hurt that seemed to pass through her eyes as she bit her lower lip, finally lifting her eyes to his. And he finally placed the mysterious emotion: Guilt.

Sometimes he wished they were better at the discussions of difficult emotions. The immediate anger of arguments or differing points of view were challenging but they'd learned to work through those with compromise or each of them learning to let go. It was the stickier emotions, the ones that spoke to how protective they were of each other, how they needed one another but didn't want that to hint at any kind of demand or expectation of changing their fundamental natures that tripped them up now and then.

They'd both come into their relationship with distinctly formed personalities and although their relationship goals had lined up over the last few years, how they would move towards the family they both wanted was something they hadn't answered. And Deeks was suddenly tired of not having the answers. He didn't understand Kensi's reactions and he hated the distinct impression he felt that she was keeping something from him. Not maliciously, but maybe from fear. And her fearing him or his reactions wasn't something he could feel alright with.

"Kensi, do you wants kids or not?" Deeks blurted out, ignoring her earlier questions. At her shocked expression, he pressed on. "Our kids. Do you want them or not?"

Immediately putting aside her food, Kensi reached for his hands, clasping tightly, her fingers tightening on his.

"Of course I do. How can you even question that? We've talked about this—"

"Not for years. Not since when we first got together," Deeks sighed, raking a hand through his hair and ignoring as it fell over his eyes. He kept his gaze lowered to their hands, wishing he didn't feel the familiar rush of uncertainty at the idea of being a father. "I don't know how to say this without sounding like something has been decided already. Without disappointing you."

"Just say it. Tell me."

Kensi's words, so desperately reassuring and what he longed to hear, anchored him. He still feared what being a parent meant, the weight of responsibility that he honestly had no clue how to carry. And despite Kensi's strong words, he could hear some of the trepidation she felt. But ignoring their issues, especially this issue, wasn't going to help them.

"There's nothing I want more than you as my wife, as my family. The idea of kids actually kind of scares me as much as it's something I want with you. I don't want to fail at it and I wonder if that isn't just inevitable, considering how I was brought up," Deeks said, laying bare the very things that had clawed at the back of his mind, unspoken and tormenting, for years.

"Marty—" Kensi's voice was suddenly firm and commanded him to look at her. When he did he saw the truth and strength in her eyes that had become his touchstone and the very thing that challenged him to move forward, work harder, and fight more for the things he believed in and loved.

"Even if your history had some hand in shaping you, it doesn't define you. We're going to do this together. You and me. But we have to figure out what that's going to be."

"I don't think we can both be agents and have kids," Deeks finally said, taking that leap of faith that her statement and faith in him was true. Kensi froze again, her expression almost unreadable as he finally got the rest of his thoughts out, unburdened the uncertainties of his mind. "I know there are no absolutes in life. But it feels like an unnecessary risk to have us both doing a job that could take us away from a child, from our kid, who might need us."

Deeks tried not to read into her silence, tried not to wonder if there might be anger bubbling below the surface of the placid expression on her face. He reached out to brush a hand over her cheek, his fingers ghosting over her high cheekbone before cupping her face gently.

"I can't imagine life without you. That's what kept me with you in the plaza yesterday. It's my weakness really. I'd rather not live than live without you. But I can't make that decision just for me if we have a family. I can't be selfish that way. I can't turn out like my mom, unable to live for my kid."

Kensi lifted her eyes to his, the wet sheen making her blink quickly as she nodded in agreement. Her words were whispered as she spoke. "You're right. I just don't know what it means right now, or for the future."

Deeks sighed, the pieces coming together in his head. If he could have it all, including a family without the risk of the loss of one of them, he wouldn't change a thing about his life with Kensi or as an agent. But there were no guarantees in life or in their jobs.

"I think it makes the most sense for me to take the job offer. The timing is maybe earlier than we are planning for having kids but it's the only option—"

"No, it's not," Kensi broke through Deeks' seemingly well thought out conclusion. He waited impatiently for her to elaborate, feeling uncertainty cloud what had previously felt firm in his mind.

"Hetty offered me a change in position. As an intelligence analyst or a forensic specialist. It would still be with NCIS, but away from active duty. I could take that job and Cody would step in as your partner."

The confirmation of what he'd feared flashed through him. She'd kept something from him. Stunned, Deeks leaned back in his chair, feeling lightheaded. It was suddenly crystal clear in his mind why Kensi had been so quiet the evening before, how she'd practically already concluded what the right choice was. And how wrong that was in his mind.

Unbidden, he felt his heart rate speed up, his temper flaring almost irrationally. On a fundamental level it bothered him that she hadn't opened up to him. But it bothered him more that she'd seemingly made a decision without him that changed who they were together. Deeks focused his eyes on his hands, clenched into fists on his thighs before he forced his eyes up to Kensi's face, her expression curiously wary as she took in his reaction.

"Is that what you've been thinking about? When did you and Hetty talk about this? You should have said something sooner," Deeks said angrily. Kensi's lips tightened in a defiant line and she lifted her chin.

"She only just mentioned it yesterday. I needed to think about it myself for awhile. I didn't want your opinion to change my mind," Kensi said stubbornly.

"It should change your mind if it's a bad idea," Deeks lobbied back, barely managing to keep his voice low. "Is this something you've already decided? I can't imagine you not an agent. How could you be happy doing that?"

"Forensics was my specialty long before you came around," Kensi replied hotly, folding her arms over her chest. "I'm good at it. And it would let you stay on as an agent."

"Okay, but you taking a desk job? This isn't the 1950s when the little woman has to make all the sacrifices to raise the kids—"

"I know that," Kensi snapped. She sat up straighter. "I'm not suggesting that at all. But if it's what makes the most sense, and keeps us both at NCIS, it seems like a good option."

Not able to come up with a ready argument to her statement, Deeks was silent. Kensi pressed on, trying to push her rationale home. "And how could you be happy being a lawyer? You left that kind of job for a reason. You're a cop, or an agent. Law enforcement is who you are. How can being a lawyer be what you want?"

"What I want is you and me. Together, and safe. When it's just us we get to call the shots on putting our lives on the line for each other. And I don't want you giving up what makes you happy, what makes you who you are," Deeks replied, starting out mad and fading to pleading for understanding. "I don't want you to regret me, regret us. I can do any job, Kens. But I think you were born to be an NCIS agent."

Kensi felt torn at his words. She knew there was some truth to them, that as an agent she'd certainly found something she excelled at. It really was a perfect fit. And Deeks was the more adaptable of the two of them. He'd done multiple jobs in his adult life. Even as a cop the different jobs he'd taken on had been varied and impressive. She knew he would probably slip back into the role of a lawyer well.

But she just as strongly knew that what made her happy went beyond her job. Five years before that might have been her only solace, her only answer to what made her happy. But a lot had changed in five years.

Not everything had changed though. And it angered her that Deeks still occasionally looked at her, looked at their relationship, and worried that at some point she would wish she hadn't chosen him. She knew it was his rare inadequacy rearing up and it had very little to do with her, and more to do with his history and little to do with lack of trust, but she couldn't help her frustration.

"I'm not going to regret our lives together, or our life as a family. But I wish you would let me decide what makes me happy. It isn't being an NCIS agent. It's you."

Deeks looked away from her as she spoke, clearly struggling to rein in his emotions. Kensi watched him, wondered at the complicated sides of Marty Deeks that so few people got to see. Most knew the casual, charming, and funny person he was. But so few understood the façade he erected, or the leftover demons from a childhood and young life of rejection and disappointment. But Kensi had long ago determined the complexities of Deeks were what made him someone worth fighting for. Even if she was occasionally fighting him.

"So now that we're both trying to quit being NCIS agents, what do we do?" Deeks asked quietly, finally looking back at her. Kensi shrugged unhappily.

"I don't know. I don't want to not be your partner."

"And I don't want to not be your partner."

They fell silent and Kensi hated the sadness and uncertainty that hung in the air between them. And she hated the space she felt widening between them. They both wanted the same thing but neither wanted the other to sacrifice for it. They weren't quite at a crossroads, but it felt inevitably close.

"I can't decide this right now," Kensi said quietly, unable to face the enormity of imagining Deeks no longer her partner. She knew it was a bit of cowardice shining through, but in her moment of weakness she latched on to it. "We don't have to decide this right now, do we?"

Deeks smiled a little sadly, telling her that deep down as much as he might know they needed to make decisions, he wasn't any closer to wanting to actually make a decision. "No, we don't. Cal said I have three months to decide."

Kensi breathed in relief, for once not wanting to face a problem head on. Selfishly she didn't want things to change. Not when it came to her partnership with Deeks. It might have been foolish to put off the decision, but she couldn't make herself think about it further.

They returned to their dinner, both picking at their food with a lack of hunger and interest, both a little lost in their thoughts. It was when Deeks changed the subject and asked about their trip to San Diego that they both grasped at the easy straw of a case to discuss.

Kensi ran through the discoveries she'd made in Cody's file, then described their trip to San Diego and questioning the local NCIS agent, Benning's doctor, the ME, and the few witnesses.

"So nothing really conclusive?" Deeks asked, as perplexed as Kensi felt. She shook her head.

"The forensics says someone else was there. The medications that were switched so Benning had too many blood thinners in his blood is suggestive but a dead end since the pharmacy had no record of anything but his normal medications being given to him. The original crime scene was cleaned a long time ago so there's nothing to go back and look at there," Kensi paused, watching as Deeks laced his fingers together and bent forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

"Was anything else out of place in evidence, or noted at the crime scene? Maybe something that didn't seem suspicious at the time, back when they didn't think Benning's death was a murder?" Deeks asked. Kensi thought quickly, mentally going over the evidence they'd examined in San Diego. She tried to consider even the mundane, seemingly innocuous fragments that might be out of place.

The separated puzzle pieces, nearly impossible to even imagine fitting together, began to lock into place. And like a bright beam of light, Kensi zeroed in on one piece of evidence that nobody had looked at before, or even considered when they'd thought it might be an accidental death.

"His _Operation Global War on Terrorism _commander's coin was missing," Kensi whispered. Deeks' eyes widened further, encouraging her to continue. "For some missions a collectible metal coin with a logo is created by the commander of that mission to award to those who are served. Benning's last posting before he retired was in Iraq, for the GWOT, in 2004. His coin was missing from the inventory of his collection."

"Are you sure? Would he have definitely had that coin?" Deeks asked carefully. Kensi nodded with certainty.

"Absolutely. He had a whole career's worth of coins in his collection. I remember his service record. He was there in 2004 and he would have had a coin. Those coins are practically medals to soldiers. They don't lose them. Like their bars or stars, their coins are a part of them," Kensi replied.

"Really? They're just coins, right? Like really big silver dollars or something?" Deeks asked doubtfully. Kensi shot him an exasperated look.

"Those coins are incredibly valuable to soldiers. They treasure them."

Feeling the itch of something at the back of his mind, Deeks stood up suddenly, going to his desk and retrieving Callahan's service record. Kensi followed him, standing at his side as he flipped to the page with the list of his postings. And he tipped the file so she could see, pointing at one particular line.

"Lieutenant Colonel Jason Callahan served in Iraq from 2002-2004 in the GWOT," Deeks stated. Kensi lifted her eyes to his.

"Did he have a commander's coin collection in his house?" she asked hesitantly, curious if the disparate threads of their cases might somehow be connected. Deeks shrugged, having not paid attention to that detail in their search of the house. He called out to Sam, who was at his desk writing up the report of their day's investigations.

"Sam, did you notice a commander's coin collection in Callahan's house?" Deeks asked. At Sam's affirmative nod, Deeks continued. "Did you see if he had a coin showing he served in the GWOT?"

Sam shook his head quickly. "He definitely didn't have one for that. And there was a space missing in his collection. I didn't think anything of it since the house was so trashed. The guy had probably two dozen coins."

"Do you have a commander's coin collection, Sam?" Kensi interjected, her tone telling Deeks she already knew the answer. Sam gave her a knowing look.

"Of course I do."

"And I'm guessing you know each and every coin in that collection, where it came from, and that you keep them pretty secure," Kensi pushed further.

"It would be disrespectful not to," Sam replied pointedly, then his eyes narrowed as he saw the triumphant look Kensi shot Deeks. "Why, what are you thinking, Kensi?"

"Both Lieutenant Colonel Jason Callahan and Brigadier General Thomas Benning died under slightly suspicious circumstances. They both served in the GWOT and their coins honoring their service are missing. I think they were taken. As trophies."

Both Sam and Deeks looked at Kensi, stunned and trying to follow her train of thought. Deeks was the first to recover.

"Trophies? Like trophies a serial killer would take?"

"Exactly. I think Callahan and Benning were killed by the same person. I think we have a serial killer."

* * *

_To be continued_


	6. Chapter 6

**Note: **Apologies for the delay. If you're still with me, thanks for the encouraging reviews. I hope you enjoy this latest chapter. Thanks as always to the incomparable **MioneAlterEgo** for beta reading for me. She has a fun new Densi series titled "Sensory Overload" in progress that I highly recommend. On with the show, thanks for reading, and for reviewing if you do!

* * *

Kensi's suggestion that a serial killer might be behind the deaths of Lieutenant Colonel Jason Callahan and Brigadier General Thomas Benning immediately put a fire underneath the team.

After reporting out to Callen, his orders had been for Nell to start cross referencing the files for anything linking them beyond the mysterious missing coins, Eric was told to keep looking at the traffic footage around Callahan's house, and Sam, Cody, Deeks and Kensi took over one of the conference rooms to examine the files again, looking at them with new eyes and for new possibilities. Instead of accidents, they began to look at the deaths as intentional.

Callen spoke to Hetty and then joined the team to examine the files. Less than an hour later, Kensi looked up to see a familiar face enter OSP and join Hetty at her desk. She leaned towards Deeks where he was examining the forensics report from the scene of Benning's death and gently nudged him in the ribs.

A quick nod of her head and Deeks followed her gaze, his eyes turning curious at Hetty's visitor. "What do you suppose Nate is doing here?"

Kensi pressed her lips together in a grim line. "I'm guessing the phrase 'serial killer' is one suggestive enough that we might need some additional help on the profiling of our suspect."

Deeks grinned crookedly, his eyes twinkling in the low light of the conference room. "What, you can't diagnose our criminal for us? That isn't a skill you have in your toolbox?"

"I have lived with you for three years," Kensi replied sweetly, giving Deeks a wide smile. He merely chuckled and turned back to his file.

"I suggested Hetty bring Nate in," Callen interjected from across the table. "If we are dealing with a serial killer instead of accidental death or even a single homicide, the usual motivations and rules for tracking this guy may not apply."

Kensi nodded, hoping her suggestion wouldn't prove to be a waste of Nate's time. But she reasoned that whether it turned out there were dealing with a serial killer or not, Nate's professional opinion would give them a profile for their criminal.

It was hours later, stretching on towards midnight, when Nate finally entered the conference room, copies of the files from their cases in his hands. His eyes looked bleary and tired and Kensi realized he must have reviewed the files quickly, trying to come up with a profile to help them.

Despite the late hour, enthusiastic greetings were exchanged around the table and Nate saved a warm hug for Kensi, pulling back to give her a quick wink. "It's nice to see the blushing bride-to-be again so soon."

Kensi tried not to actually blush at Nate's words. But she felt the heat rise to her cheeks just enough that she ducked her head and hid her pleased smile. Nate had been over at the house for the barbeque the weekend before but they really didn't see that much of him anymore. And when they did he seemed to enjoy taking every opportunity to remark on how much her life had changed, how much she had changed, in the last few years. She could have been annoyed. Except she sensed the undercurrent of pleasure in Nate's teasing. He was exceptionally happy for her. And she couldn't be mad at that. Or at him.

Weary of sitting after several hours, the team stood around the table as Nate laid out the files and his scribbled notes. He took a deep breath and then sighed before he began to speak.

"Looking over these files there are a couple things that stand out. Brigadier General Benning's death initially looks accidental but upon closer inspection appears to be murder. It had to have been carefully planned, from knowledge of Benning's medical records, to access to his house, surveillance to determine when he wouldn't be there to replace the medication, time for enough of the drugs to take affect, and then the actual plan of the fall so that it would occur when Benning was alone and wouldn't be found for several hours," Nate paused, pointing at the first file with one hand as he rubbed his forehead with his other hand. "Benning's death appears to have been planned by someone who is intelligent, patient, calculating, and very invested in trying to remain anonymous."

Turning to the second file, Nate continued. "Now, on the surface Lieutenant Colonel Callahan's death looks like a robbery gone bad, like Callahan surprised the intruder and it unintentionally escalated to murder. Even still, the violence of the scene, and the sheer amount of brute force taken to incapacitate and kill Callahan suggests more anger. It suggests there was something personal about either the victim or the attack itself."

Nate lifted his eyes to alight on the team around the table. "I take it that the investigation into their backgrounds didn't reveal any possible suspects?"

Cody shook his head. "Not a one. And nothing in Benning's background that might suggest it was related to during his active service more than ten years ago."

"And Callahan?"

"Other than his involvement in some high level defense contracts there doesn't seem to be any motivation that we could find," Sam supplied. "All his associates check out and there was nothing suspicious with anyone he works with. Even if someone were trying to sabotage the contracts he was working on, we can't pinpoint who that might be. And nobody in his personal life that seems like a likely suspect."

"These look like murders committed by two different people to me. But the missing coins are very interesting," Nate mused, gesturing to a photograph of Callahan's commander's coin collection on his mantle. "By itself and for each case it doesn't seem like much. The potential murders are a month apart. But two points don't make a pattern. And that specific coin missing from both men's collections is too abnormal to be discarded as a coincidence."

"Is it really that suspicious? I mean, how many servicemen would have that coin?" Deeks asked curiously. Pulling out the small notebook Cody carried and took notes in, he flipped through a few pages before coming to the information he was looking for.

"The Global War on Terrorism mission officially lasted for four years, from 2002 to 2006. I checked with Office of Personnel Management and about 50,000 troops across the branches of service served in that mission."

"Can we assume the serial killer's targets are probably Marines?" Callen asked, looking to Nate for affirmation. Although he looked slightly uncertain, Nate nodded slowly.

"I'm still hesitant to call this a bona fide serial killer. But for the sake of argument, yes."

"So how many Marines out of that 50,000—"

"16,000 Marines served in the GWOT mission," Cody supplied, following Callen's train of thought. "And all those servicemen and women would have received coins."

"That's a lot of potential targets," Sam muttered, grimly discouraged. "There must be another connection."

"And there might be. But we won't know what it is without trying to get some more information first. Serial killers are tricky, if this even is one," Nate cautioned. "A lot of time their motivations and methods don't become clear until after they're caught."

"But why that coin? Someone who has a vendetta against the Iraq invasion? Someone who just doesn't like Marines who served during that mission?" Kensi wondered aloud.

"Someone who just thought it looked shiny and decided to keep it?" Deeks offered up wryly. Kensi shrugged, not arguing since any possibility could fit at that point in time. She picked up the printed photo of what the GWOT coin looked like and after examining the logo for a few seconds, turned to Cody when another thought fired through her mind.

"Do you have a GWOT coin?" she asked her brother quietly.

Cody shrugged casually. "Yeah, I was there from 2004 to 2006. Dad too, but at a slightly different time."

Kensi nodded silently, knowing that they were only two of 16,000. That was a lot of Marines and a lot of potential targets. As the team stood and quietly mulled over the case, feeling the long day and the late hour, Callen's phone buzzed with an incoming text message.

"Nell and Eric have something for us. They need five minutes, so let's take a quick break and then meet upstairs and see what they have," Callen ordered, his voice gruff with frustration from the lack of leads.

Leaving the conference room, Kensi reached for Cody's arm, holding him back with a hand on his elbow. Glancing at her watch, she noted the late hour. "Rachel left a long time ago, right? She went to pick up Chase and went home?"

Cody nodded wearily and Kensi saw the strain around his normally alert eyes. "Yeah, thankfully Hetty understood when she needed to go. And it's good that even while she does important stuff here, she isn't usually involved in the crisis stuff we are."

Kensi thought on that for a moment. Cody had a point. As agents they often didn't have the luxury of picking up and leaving to go home, even when it was for something as important as family responsibilities. And she realized with a twist of her stomach that wasn't likely to change even if she did take Hetty's job offer. She would be out of immediate, day-to-day danger. But she would still be needed to work long and demanding hours. Hours that wouldn't necessarily be conducive to raising children.

"You guys coming?" Deeks called from the second floor landing, pulling Kensi and Cody's attention back to their cases. With a quick nod, Kensi followed Cody upstairs, resting a reassuring hand flat on Deeks' chest as she passed by him. She kept the touch brief, but she allowed her hand to slide up his chest to his neck, her fingers gliding over the warm skin and the strong cords of Deeks' neck before she let her hand drop.

She watched as the curious concern in his eyes darkened and heated at her light touch, his slow and mischievous grin hinting at his clear wish that they were alone at home, or at least alone somewhere else. His hands, warm and seeking, circled her waist and tried to pull her back against his chest. Kensi looked around quickly, relieved that everyone had gone into Ops. They were usually better at keeping their hands off each other during business hours. But then, they hadn't been together most of the day. And it was well past business hours.

"What's got you suddenly so feisty?" Kensi murmured quietly. Deeks smiled easily and ducked his head to nuzzle her ear.

"Just missed my fiancée, that's all."

Kensi shivered lightly as Deeks kissed the shell of her ear, then dropped lower to press his warm mouth against her neck. Her shiver increased as his hand slipped under her shirt and found her lower back, his fingers lightly brushing the indent of her spine. Although the heat in her veins hinted at an oblivion she wistfully wouldn't mind slipping into, Kensi took a deep breath and a slight step back from Deeks.

"Easy there, tiger. We've got a case and the day isn't over yet. There'll be time for that later," Kensi said reproachfully. Deeks sighed and reluctantly let her go, following her towards the sliding doors into Ops.

As they took their places around the table, waiting for the briefing to begin, Kensi heard Deeks mutter next to her. "Promises, promises."

Kensi bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing and she silently thanked the low lights in Ops that helped hide the high color that flamed over her cheeks. She reveled in the realization that even after several years she could still leave Deeks a little hot and bothered. Especially since he did the same to her.

It took several more minutes before Eric and Nell were ready, and then Hetty joined the team in Ops, nodding when she was ready to hear what they'd found.

"There doesn't appear to be any connection between our two victims," Nell started off. "Nothing in their backgrounds suggests that they ever crossed paths either personally or professionally. The only thing that seems to connect them is the missing coins."

Nell stepped back to check her computer and Eric took over, a triumphant smile on his face.

"Not even ten minutes ago I got a hit on the traffic cameras around Callahan's house. I had four different possibilities and one in particular was a little hard to fit. The vehicle was at the very edge of the timeframe, shown entering Callahan's neighborhood four hours before the time of death and a full three hours afterwards so I was going to eliminate it out of hand since why would a killer stick around so long?" Eric explained, pulling up the camera images of the four vehicles he'd been tracking.

"But then I just decided to include the plate of the fourth car in my further search on the owners of the vehicles. The first three were pretty clean. Local residents, lived in the area for years. But car number four is from out of town, and most interestingly, owned by a former Marine."

Kensi leaned forward, watching as Eric brought up the service record for Justin Griffin, thirty years old, medically discharged after three tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. She skimmed over the information, listening as Eric rattled off the details in the record.

"Griffin was medically discharged four years ago due to injuries sustained in combat during his third tour. His psychologist at the time of his discharge also said he suffered from PTSD and recommended him for continuing treatment through the VA after his formal separation from the Marine Corps. He joined up in 2003 when he was eighteen and served back-to-back-to-back tours in the Middle East. His service record is clean," Eric finished.

"Three tours in a row. That's a lot for anyone," Cody remarked, even while Kensi glanced at her brother and knew he'd served just as many tours, interrupted only by injury during combat. "Did he have any connection to either of the victims?"

"None that I can find. He's from a small town called Half Moon Bay, located just south of San Francisco about six hours from L.A. on the northern California coast." Eric paused then, pulling up records showing proof of Griffin's residence, his bank account and credit information. Out of the corner of her eye Kensi noticed the tension that suddenly tightened Deeks' shoulders, the slight widening of his eyes at the mention of the town where Griffin lived. She watched him closely, noticed how he forcibly relaxed his posture, almost as if he could feel her watching him and was trying not to draw her attention.

Internally Kensi scoffed at the idea. As if he could ever hope to throw her off. Something about that small town in northern California, one she'd never even heard of, had brought on a suspiciously charged reaction from Deeks.

"Half Moon Bay? Killer waves, awesome surfing," Cody jumped in. As all eyes swiveled to the Marine, he gave Deeks' shoulder a quick pat. "You know what I mean, Deeks. They get waves there you don't see anywhere else other than the North Shore in Hawaii. Mavericks, the invitation only surfing event, is held there every winter. I've always wanted to go."

Kensi heard Cody's words, but was watching Deeks' reaction. Something in his eyes was turned inward, forced back in time and remembering the past. And the flatness of his gaze told her it was a long ago memory. And perhaps not a very happy one.

"Have you ever been?" Kensi asked quietly, referring back to the surfing event Cody had mentioned. Deeks nodded once, not looking at her.

"Years ago, when I was a kid."

There was more to the story than Deeks' succinct seven words. Kensi knew it, just as well as she knew that it wasn't the time to try and get him to elaborate. Putting the past aside, whatever that past might be, they had a case and two murders to solve.

Eric continued then, flipping through the records on the screen. "The traffic camera angle was bad and we didn't get a clear view of the driver of Griffin's car. Other than the camera near Callahan's house there isn't any evidence of his being in Los Angeles at the time of the murder. But maybe just as tellingly, there's no way to say he wasn't."

"Well, that seems like more than a coincidence," Callen remarked. He stepped forward to the main screen, flipping through the file to find Griffin's medical records. Callen located what he was looking for and turned to Nate. "It says here that when he was still enlisted his psychologist was a Colonel Walter Stein. Tomorrow morning can you contact him, talk about Griffin and see if there's anything he can tell us about his PTSD, and if he's capable of these crimes?"

Nate looked skeptical, but nodded. Callen quickly clued into the hesitancy in Nate's thoughtful eyes and turned to face the taller man.

"What's on your mind?" Callen asked, his voice low but serious. Kensi watched the exchange, seeing the respect Callen had come to have for Nate's expertise. Since he'd left active employ at OSP more than four years ago they'd all come to realize how important Nate had been to the team. It was a testament to his importance that Hetty had never quite been able to replace him. Temporary psychologists came and went and tried to fit their needs when they'd required profiling skills over the years. But none had fit quite as well as Nate had.

"There's just as much to suggest this is a serial killer as there is suggesting it's not. I don't think we should assume anything until we have some more information. I'll talk to Griffin's psychologist but it might help to try and identify if it's even possible for Griffin to have been present at Benning's murder a month ago."

Callen nodded in agreement. "Fair enough." Turning to Nell and Eric, he further refined the tasks ahead. "Do a full history on Justin Griffin. Find out where he's been for the last six months. And just in case this might be a serial killer and just the tip of the iceberg, run searches relating to possible connections with other cases. Focus on deaths thought to be accidental."

So focused was Callen that it took Hetty loudly clearing her throat to interrupt her senior agent. Callen's lips twitched in a small smile as he deferentially motioned for Hetty to speak.

"It's getting late and I think it would be best if we adjourn for the day," Hetty said pointedly, gesturing to the time on the computer screen that blinked well after midnight. "I'm sure whatever searches Mr. Beale and Ms. Jones are running can continue without their constant monitoring."

"Should we have the local law enforcement pick Justin Griffin up and detain him for us?" Sam asked. Hetty paused, weighing the consideration.

"Why don't we wait for a little more information? I'd like to see where this leads first," Hetty replied. Kensi tilted her head curiously at Hetty, wondering what suspicions Hetty might have. Hetty wasn't often quick to share but Kensi had learned her instincts were sharp and usually dead on. And Callen seemed comfortable to defer to Hetty, nodding in agreement.

"Griffin's not likely to go anywhere. Let's call it a day. Everyone go home, be back here at nine," Callen ordered. Kensi exchanged a regretful glance with Deeks, seeing the longing in his eyes for more hours of sleep that they weren't going to get. Or for the surfing he's missed and was going to have to bypass thanks to their late night and early morning.

Taking the opportunity of their dismissal, the team was quick to pack up and leave, Kensi following Deeks to their SUV. The streets were quiet but still showing the signs of a busy population in a way that still suggested the ever wakeful and always alive city of Los Angeles.

Deeks was driving and Kensi watched his profile from the corner of her eye. He was quiet, something she might have normally chalked up to the long day. But there'd been a glimpse of something else in Ops. And she was determined to find out what it was.

There were some things about Deeks' past she didn't know much about, in part because she knew it was painful for him to remember. And she didn't care about his past. She knew he held his history up as his own personal record of his perceived failures and faults. Kensi would always listen if he wanted to talk. But she wasn't going to force him to tell her about something that caused him to doubt himself.

She wondered now if that had been a mistake. Maybe it was something he needed to talk about, needed her to hear. Even if it was also something he didn't want her to know about his history. She knew the facts. Deeks had grown up in an abusive household. His father had hurt his mother, and occasionally him. She didn't know how Deeks' father had come to be that way, if Deeks had ever had a happy childhood. If he had the memory of a happy younger life lost, or had always endured disappointed acceptance.

Kensi knew Deeks had shot his father at the age of eleven, protecting his mother from at attack that had been the latest in a long series of abuses. His father had gone to prison and Deeks and his mother had barely managed to get by until he was seventeen. And then his mother, in a reaction that boiled Kensi's blood, had announced to Deeks that she couldn't stand the sight of him because he represented everything she'd loved and lost. And his mother had left, leaving her confused and shattered son behind to fend for himself and to question every moral deed he'd thought he'd done to protect the one person who was supposed to love him unconditionally.

After that abandonment it really was something of a miracle that Deeks had turned out as well as he had. Kensi didn't know the woman's name, had no idea what she looked like or if she was even alive. And Kensi wasn't sure she cared to know. Other than that night three years earlier on the pier in San Diego Deeks had never spoken of his mother since.

Following Deeks into the house, Kensi went upstairs while Deeks took Monty for a walk around the block. Although Monty had the run of the backyard during the day, Kensi knew Deeks would never deny him his evening walk, even when it came later than usual.

Kensi lay down in bed to wait for Deeks, sleep catching up to her even as she stubbornly tried to stay awake. It wasn't a restful sleep though, and when Kensi woke with a start to find two hours had passed she felt a wave of discomfort, the source of which was quickly confirmed when she turned over to find Deeks' half of the bed vacant and the sheets still smooth. He'd never come to bed.

Rising quickly, Kensi left the bedroom, holding back her concern with certain resolve. She was about to go downstairs when the shift of moonlight shadows in one of the spare bedrooms had her detouring down the hall. Standing in the doorway, Kensi couldn't deny the small wave of relief that passed over her to find Deeks sitting on the floor of the room, his knees bent and encircled by his arms, his face turned towards the window. They hadn't hung curtains or blinds yet so the gray moonlight washed over Deeks, turning his blond hair silver and his tan skin an unnaturally pale shade.

As tired as she was, and as much as she wanted to pull Deeks up and lead him back to bed for sleep they both needed, she recognized that he was clearly wrestling with something. It was eating away at him and it was something he couldn't easily shrug off. And for Deeks, who was the master of letting most things go, that meant it had to be huge.

Silently dropping down next to him and folding her legs underneath her, Kensi leaned close, resting her chin on his shoulder. She watched as a small smile lifted the corner of his mouth and he instinctively turned his head to lightly kiss her. Deeks pulled back slightly, his lips an inch away from hers, his steady and even breathing the only living sound Kensi could hear in the room.

She left the questions tumbling through her mind unspoken. He knew what she was thinking, had almost since they first met. He knew she wanted to know what had him adrift. It was his usual tactic to pester and question until she gave in. Kensi had ways of convincing him to talk but usually she didn't need to employ those tactics. Usually Deeks volunteered with the enthusiasm of the self-confidence that was innate in him.

When Deeks finally spoke, his voice was low, colored with uncertainty. "I've been thinking about this room. And the other spare room. And I wonder what they'll look like, what we'll be like, once they're full. Sometimes it's so clear in my mind. And then sometimes I can't see it at all."

That bothered him, Kensi could tell. He wanted certainty about their children and their future family where there couldn't possibly be the assurances he craved.

"We're not going to know what our future is until we get there. And does it really matter if we don't know?" Kensi asked quietly, tamping down her impatience. "Uncertainty has kind of been a way of life for us up until we were partnered. You've always been able to go with the flow and adjust. Why is this different?"

"It's having kids, Kens. Having a family. It has to be different," Deeks replied stubbornly. Kensi sighed, knowing the distinction was clear in his mind. Even if she didn't fully appreciate it.

"So what's going to make it certain for you? Knowing that I'll be a forensic analyst or you'll be a lawyer? Seeing me pregnant? Holding our son or daughter in your arms?"

Deeks turned serious eyes towards her, dropping his gaze from her face to her stomach, his hand reaching forward so that his palm, infinitely gentle and reverent, came to flatten over the thin material of the camisole she wore. Kensi shivered, then leaned closer to him as his hand went around her back, pulling her into the circle of his arms. She let him hold her, feeling the tension in the muscles of his arms and back as it slowly faded away the longer he held her.

"I don't know," Deeks finally admitted, his voice close next to her ear. "I know it's unrealistic to want to have it all figured out. And I guess that's my deal to figure out."

With all her heart Kensi wished she could help him. She wished she could fix it for him, could wipe away forever the doubt and uncertainty that occasionally clouded the confidence of the man she loved.

"I just can't be a parent like my mom or dad," Deeks whispered quietly. Trying not to be shocked at Deeks' sudden mention of his mother after more than three years, Kensi's arms tightened around him, the strength of her belief causing an immediate reaction.

"You won't be. I don't know about everything else. But I'm more certain of that than anything else," Kensi replied quickly, pulling back so he could see the conviction in her eyes. She reached up to cup her hands around his neck, forcing him to look at her. He nodded hesitantly in return but she could see his thoughts were elsewhere. Narrowing her eyes, Kensi thought back to his earlier reaction in Ops.

"Does this have something to do with when you were a kid? When you went to Half Moon Bay?"

Deeks' response was instantaneous, his eyes widening and his lips parting in shock. Kensi had to smile to herself. She felt a thrill that she still managed to surprise him. And that of every other person in the world she knew him best, could sense when something bothered him, even when, and especially when he was trying to keep it hidden. It was a constant wonder to her that she had that with anyone, but especially that she had that with Deeks.

Under her palms, Kensi felt the slight heat rise to the surface of Deeks' skin, the coloring she couldn't see in the dim light still evident under her hands on his neck. When Deeks ducked his head down, not meeting her eyes, Kensi struggled not to frown. She wasn't used to Deeks holding back from her.

"Look, if you don't want to talk about it, that's okay," Kensi started, even while everything in her objected at the words. She reminded herself that in this situation it wasn't about what she needed, but what Deeks needed from her. "But I know something about that is bothering you. And I want to help, if you'll let me. You know that, right?"

Deeks' head bobbed twice but he stayed silent, confirming Kensi's concern. Whatever it was, whether about his experience as a kid, his mom or dad, he wasn't ready to talk to her about it. It had taken awhile for him to open up to her about his father. But her patience had ultimately been rewarded and they'd grown closer. She'd long thought she knew everything important about Deeks' past. But she was starting to realize that while she knew a lot, and was the closest person to him in body and soul, there were still things she didn't know.

Kensi did her best to tuck that gnawing discomfort away as Deeks finally stood, reaching down to pull her up with him and lead her back to their bedroom. She knew he didn't mean to make her feel slighted about not opening up to her. And she could even admit that as many times as she'd held back from him, case in point only the day before when she hadn't told him of Hetty's proposal, he was more than justified in keeping something to himself until he wanted to talk about it. But that didn't make it bother her any less.

The balance of their personal lives and professional jobs hadn't always been easy. They traded on secrets and subterfuge regularly when they worked undercover to get what they needed. Lies were commonplace, even required. And secrets were a part of both their pasts.

Deeks pulled her down on the bed next to him, his arms bringing her close and gathering her against his chest and his tired exhalation next to her ear a reminder that they still had the demands of a difficult case ahead of them. Kensi pushed aside the discomfort she felt, knowing that ultimately Deeks wasn't worthy of it. She knew Deeks wouldn't lie to her. She would just have to be patient until he was ready to talk to her.

Listening to Deeks' breath even out and feeling his arms loosen around her as he fell asleep, Kensi tried to quiet her mind from the questions of serial killers, her future as an NCIS agent, Deeks' future, and his past. Eventually, even as her mind still swirled with frustration about their case and determination that she would help Deeks conquer his demons, Kensi fell into a fitful sleep.

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_To be continued_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Thank you for the reviews, favorites, and alerts. They're the best encouragement there is! And thanks to **MioneAlterEgo **who always manages to catch the little things even when I'm so _sure _I got them all. A little note on the rating content, this is still rated "T," but there is a slightly suggestive adult scene at the beginning. Since it isn't terribly detailed it still falls within the T rating. Thanks for reading, and for reviewing if you do.

* * *

It was impossible to know if it was the cool summer breeze or Deeks' light touch down her spine that woke her. One brought the drift of clean ocean air and the sound of waves while the other left a warm and deliberate path down her body, sliding around her side to palm the swell of her hip and turn her over gently. Kensi smiled automatically, a sleepy grin that didn't dwell on the mysteries of their work, the question of their future, or the puzzles of the past. She opened her eyes slowly, the gray light of dawn bathing Deeks mostly in shadows and making her heart beat faster at his movements she couldn't see, but could feel as he settled over her, the bed dipping with his weight.

Deeks was quick to lower his head and match the smile on her lips against his, moving his mouth to encourage her lips open, his tongue seeking the heat of her mouth. Kensi instinctively brought her hands to his shoulders, her fingers smoothing over broad shoulders and circling around his neck to insistently pull him down to fully cover her body with his.

Before long Kensi was arching against Deeks, her breath coming quick as she reached for the strings of the pajama pants he wore. Following her lead, Deeks slid his fingers under her camisole, swiftly peeling it up and over her head. He allowed only the briefest of pauses between kissing her and removing her clothing, his focus always returning to drive her further towards an impatient fire.

It was much later, after she'd had a chance to catch her breath even while her body still hummed with sated desire and her back rubbed deliciously against the damp skin of Deeks' chest, that Kensi drowsily opened her eyes to mere slits, glancing at the bedside clock. Thanks to Deeks' early morning wake up and their late night case work and discussion they'd only managed a few hours of sleep.

But as Deeks brushed back her hair and kissed the nape of her neck, breathing deeply, Kensi could only smile. Sleep was overrated if it meant she could have Deeks distracted so that the only thing that would center him was kissing her, loving her, and showing her how much he loved her.

Kensi had a feeling that part of what had driven Deeks to wake her up and make love to her had something to do with whatever demons from his past he was running from. She didn't mind that she'd been a distraction of sorts. As long as he was running towards her, that was what mattered.

She slid a hand down his arm, her hand covering his where it pressed against her stomach, her fingers tangling with his. Kensi let the still of the silence stretch between them, instead wandering her gaze to watch the curtains around the open window dance in the summer air. It was still that early part of the season where mornings were almost cold even while the afternoons could turn blisteringly hot. But of all the places she'd lived, southern California was one of the more mild climates. And living near the beach as they did, there was no beating the ocean air that smelled lightly of salt.

It was early still, the sky just beginning to turn yellow and pink, the colors mixing with the gray of lingering night. With Deeks finally resting behind her, his fingers absently toying with the long strands of her hair against his chest, Kensi resisted the urge to push him to talk. It ate at her that he was so closed off about whatever was bothering him, about whatever memories that small town in northern California had churned up.

"I want to tell you something."

Kensi took a deep breath, hearing the reluctance and emphasis on _want_. He was still uncertain, still afraid of letting her see something in his past, something in him that he felt defined him in some kind of negative way. And it was a testament to how she'd grown in the last few years, how she'd come to think about someone else more than she thought about herself, that she didn't take his hesitancy personally. Besides, the undercurrent of his desire to let her in was also there. He didn't want to hold back. Not from her.

"You can tell me anything," Kensi said softly, letting her fingers against his, tight and sure, serve as her promise. She knew nothing he could tell her would change her feelings. And she could prove that to him as many times as it took.

"I know I can," Deeks relied promptly, automatically. Kensi huffed quietly in a moderate show of frustration, then twisted around in his arms, settling her head against his on the pillow. His slightly wary expression clued her in that he might have been more comfortable saying whatever he had to say to the back of her head. But she was done with hiding.

"Do you? Because it feels an awful lot like you're running from something. Or at least avoiding something. And that's usually my MO," Kensi teased quietly, hoping to draw Deeks out with a little humor. Her tactic worked, as his lips lifted in a fond smile and his eyes softening as he seemed to drink her in.

"_Was _your MO. At least until I caught you."

"Until I _let _you catch me," Kensi corrected dryly.

Deeks chuckled. "You so wanted to be caught."

Kensi lifted her chin in a challenge. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because Kensi Blye, soon to be Kensi Blye-Deeks, doesn't do anything she doesn't want to," Deeks said confidently, his eyes dancing with assurance of his words, with knowledge of how well he knew her.

Kensi felt her heart stutter at his words. Kensi Blye-Deeks. The name from his lips, in his intimate voice, so full of his deep understanding of everything that made her who she was, brought on a blush that seemed to ignite in a shocking flash.

"Blye-Deeks, huh?" Kensi questioned softly, watching Deeks carefully for his reaction. She knew what she was looking for. Was he set on her taking his name? Would his male pride be somehow injured if she didn't? She wasn't sure how he would react. He'd been so territorially pleased to see the ring he'd bought her on her finger but she'd never thought much about the other ways he might be traditionally minded.

Deeks shrugged nonchalantly. "Or just Kensi Blye. Whatever you want. I also hear it's becoming somewhat common and socially acceptable for the guy to take on his wife's name. How does Marty Blye sound?"

Unable to stop the laughter that bubbled from her throat, Kensi buried her face in Deeks' neck, enjoying how his body shook with humor against hers, how his chuckle was genuine in her ear. When their laughter finally subsided, Kensi lifted her head to look at Deeks.

"It wouldn't bother you if I stayed Kensi Blye?"

"Not really. We'll have said the vows, signed the papers, done everything official. And those things are important because they mean I'll be able to say you're my wife," Deeks' voice caught a little at the last word. He cleared his throat and continued. "But after that I think it's up to you. I'll be your husband no matter what name you go by. And I think your name is part of who you are."

Kensi was thoughtful for a few moments, realizing the answer was already at the tip of her tongue, her conclusion easily made. And it was one that surprised her, and she knew would surprise Deeks.

"Kensi Deeks."

Deeks startled a little, unable to stop the instinctive bodily jerk at her words. And when he looked at her, his expression full of awe and surprise, she knew her answer had been the right one. Both for him and for her. Throughout her life she had been and would be many things. Daughter, sister, agent, partner. And eventually a wife and hopefully a mother.

"Really?" After his question Kensi nodded once, sure and confident. Deeks' eyes slanted away for a second, then returned worriedly to her. "I don't know what to say. That name has plenty of bad stuff associated with it too. Up until I was eleven my last name was Brandel. My mom's maiden name is Deeks."

Kensi nodded, knowing generally about the pieces of Deeks' path he was alluding to. And she knew his history with his mother already clouded his mind.

"Your mother's last name or not, it's _your _last name. You're not your mother. And you've made that name something I'd be proud to have as my name, too," Kensi insisted.

Deeks still look a little unconvinced, then smiled wryly. "Maybe we should go with Blye. Or we could put our names together and come up with a whole new name. Like Bleeks. Or Blyde."

"We are not doing a mash-up of our last names, Marty."

At her tone, allowing no room for argument, Deeks tucked away his smile, turning serious again. "Okay then. Deeks it is. If you're sure?"

"I'm sure."

She didn't miss the pleased light in Deeks' eyes. He would have understood had she wanted to keep her name. And a part of her, the part of her that would always love her father and the name he'd given her, would be sad to make the change. But it was what felt right for her, and for her marriage to Deeks.

As Deeks shifted against her she caught the way he took a deep breath, as if steeling himself. Despite the feel of his bare skin on hers, and as distracting as all that toned and tanned skin was, Kensi watched Deeks carefully, knowing he was on the verge of telling her what had been on his mind since the evening before.

"I don't really know how to gently wade into this so I'm just going to jump right in," Deeks cautioned. "One of my earliest childhood memory is being in Half Moon Bay and watching my dad beat my mom."

Kensi gasped, immediately regretting the distressed sound as she saw the wave of discomfort pass over Deeks' face. He shook his head as if he regretted his words, but Kensi did the only thing she could think of and tightened her hold on Deeks, one hand gripping his bicep while she let the other one stroke over his chest and finally come to rest against the speeding nervous pulse of his neck. Although he appeared calm, the rapid beat under her fingers told her that the memories were still vividly and emotionally real.

"I don't even remember why we were there. I was really young, maybe five years old. We hardly ever left Los Angeles when I was older so I don't know if we were visiting people or my dad had a job or something." At the silent question in Kensi's eyes Deeks elaborated. "My dad was a car mechanic. He sometimes traveled throughout the state to pick up rare parts and although I don't remember most of the trips, my mom and I occasionally went with him, back when things were still good. He worked on building custom cars for awhile, at least until he became too unreliable."

Kensi was able to fill in the blanks easily enough, knowing about the abuse he'd suffered, though Deeks seemed to be in more than a sharing mood as he continued. "I guess it was the pressures of having a family so young, not even out of high school. He tried to get his business going and made some bad deals with the wrong people. Tried to gamble to earn the money back but it didn't work. Got into debt and he drank a lot just so he didn't have to deal with reality."

Deeks paused for a second, giving Kensi a rueful smile and a shake of his head. "I didn't know all this at the time, since it all happened when I was really young. My mom gave me the sanitized version, the one that made my dad look like the victim and tried to explain away his behavior, when I was older. I was eventually able to read between the lines."

Deeks trailed off and once again Kensi could see he was lost in a memory. "That trip up north is the first clear childhood memory I have. I've wondered for the longest time if it was because of what happened, or because the place itself made such an impression," Deeks mused. "I'd been to the beach in Los Angeles a few times with my mom. But I was really young and hadn't met Ray yet, hadn't experienced having friends and independence from my parents. I remember the ocean and the beach in Half Moon Bay. It's a different kind of coastline there. Rocky, unpredictable, hard to get to the ocean in some places. And the water's a lot colder."

"I don't remember what set my dad off. I remember the smell. Cheap beer and marijuana covered up by some sickeningly sweet air freshener. My dad tried beer and when that didn't work he started smoking pot. To this day I can't stand the smell."

"I guess that's another way you break the laid back California surfer mold," Kensi teased lightly. Deeks shrugged.

"I've never liked the idea of mind-altering help to relax. The one good thing was that the alcohol made him more violent, but at least the pot usually calmed him down, even if he wasn't really in control of his actions. Sometimes I'd like to forget the things in my head. But I don't like the loss of control that comes with it. It's not something I would do by choice."

Knowing Deeks was referring to any number of things he may have done to maintain a cover, Kensi stayed silent, reflecting on another way they were similar. Although no one would mistake her as anything but a control freak, Deeks gave off a different vibe. But she suspected while he was often willing to be casual about a lot of things, he wasn't willing to give up control of himself.

"Even though I don't remember why it happened, I remember their voices. It was morning and I was asleep but I woke up to their argument. My dad's voice, angry beyond calming. My mom, still trying to bring him down. Him getting even angrier in response, eventually losing patience. And the sound of him slapping her, or her falling and knocking over a lamp. We were staying in a hotel and I'd been on the couch. The room went dark and I don't think I'd ever been as afraid as I was in that moment."

Kensi stiffened at the self-reproach in his voice, at the judgment Deeks was all too willing to put on himself. Keeping her voice insistent, Kensi tried to frame the situation in a different light. "You were five years old. This was the first time you saw your father be physically violent with your mother. Being scared of something that completely shook your world at a very young age and not knowing how to deal with it is normal."

"I know you're right," Deeks shrugged. "Doesn't make what happened next any easier."

"What happened next?" Kensi asked gently, as her heart began to pound at the thought of what _could _have happened next. Anything was possible. And a violent man who had already struck a woman in the same room with a small and defenseless boy had plenty of outcomes that made her stomach twist into knots.

"I ran. I ran away as quickly as I could. Left my mom to deal with my dad and got the hell out of there."

Kensi exhaled in relief, closing her eyes briefly in silent thanks. She knew Deeks' later childhood and formative years didn't have endings as harmless. But she thought of the little boy he'd been and she was grateful he'd managed some kind of escape. At least for a short while.

"I'm glad you did," Kensi replied fiercely. As Deeks shook his head, self-reproaching over his perceived cowardice, Kensi lifted her hands to frame Deeks' face between them, stilling his movements and urging him to look at her. She softly brushed his cheekbones with her thumbs, the gentleness of her touch seeming to catch and anchor Deeks' attention.

"You can't blame yourself for running. I don't know everything about your parents. You probably don't have the whole story either. But you were so young, much too young to have to be scared of being hurt by your parents. You protected yourself. You have no reason to be ashamed of that," Kensi insisted.

Deeks sighed and nodded, the disbelieving light still in his eyes despite her words. "I know you're right. In here—" Deeks tapped his forehead. "It makes total sense. But here—" Deeks laid a hand over his heart. "It's harder to accept. Maybe if you keep telling me I'll eventually trust it."

There was a touch of fear in his voice, worry that she might give up on him. Kensi reached down, slipping her hand under Deeks' to flatten her palm over where she could just barely feel the steady thump of his heart beating strong and sure.

"If that's what it takes then you know I will. For as long as it takes," Kensi promised. Deeks nodded gratefully, laying his hand over hers on his chest and squeezing tight.

"I don't think I had any idea of where I was running after I left that hotel room. I found myself down near the beach where the tourists were. I was still pretty small but there were families around and nobody noticed me. I remember being a little scared that I was on my own but I was near the ocean and the sound of the waves was calming."

As Kensi watched, Deeks seemed to relax into the memory. Whatever he was remembering now left behind some of the fear and recrimination of the past. The bunched muscles of his shoulders relaxed and a fond smile lit up his face.

"I saw these guys, teenagers probably. They seemed so much older. They had surfboards and they were laughing. Having the kind of careless fun that I didn't realize until that moment I'd never experienced. Even before that day, even before seeing my dad hit my mom, there'd been a tension in every second of the day. I'd just absorbed it as part of life up to that point. But seeing other people, seeing their freedom and escape, I wanted it."

"So I followed them. They hiked a distance from the beach to an area not accessible by cars, to a part of the coastline you couldn't easily see from the main beach. Within seconds of seeing those waves I knew they were different than any I'd ever seen before. Big, powerful, scary, and thrilling. I sat and watched the waves, watched those guys surf, for hours and hours. I felt this calling to be out there in the water, to feel the pull of the waves and the tide, that natural give and take of the ocean against the sand."

Kensi listened to Deeks speak, wondering at the poetry in his words. It wasn't so much the words he chose, but the reverence of what he spoke. Some people had allegiances to kings and queens, some people had faith in religion, and some people had loyalty to country. Deeks' fidelity was to the ocean and his chapel was a surfboard out on the waves.

"Even though the ocean is different all over the world the one way it doesn't change is that it's always there. The tide comes and goes; it's as constant as the sun and the moon. Predictable." Taking a deep breath, Deeks let a hand skim over her shoulder, watching the path it took with interested distraction.

"I haven't thought much of that trip since I was really young. But it was kind of the end of any kind of childhood I had. Any illusions I'd had were gone, wiped away. But even still, it was also the beginning of other doors opening. Long after my parents found me, long after we returned to Los Angeles and my wandering off was forgotten, I stayed focused on my goal. I wanted to be out on the water. And eventually it happened," Deeks said proudly.

Kensi was glad to hear the shift in Deeks' tone away from the dregs of the past to how he'd managed to take control and guide his life, his choices, down a better path. A path of his own choosing. She saw it for the strength it symbolized in him. Even when he couldn't.

"It feels a little stupid now, how I reacted to hearing the name of town where Griffin lives. That was one of those watershed moments in my life but I don't know that I'd really thought about the full impact until today," Deeks explained, trying to explain away his earlier behavior. Kensi offered up a reassuring smile.

"It's okay. We both still have our secrets," Kensi replied. Deeks gave her a suspicious look.

"I'm pretty sure that was the last of mine. What else do you have?"

Kensi lifted her shoulders in a nonchalant shrug. "Nothing earth shattering. But if you knew _everything_ what would you spend the next fifty years finding out about me?"

As Deeks narrowed his eyes Kensi knew that had struck his competitive side. Deeks liked to be the one who knew all the ins and outs of her. He wanted to know her better than anyone else did. He already did, really, even as she kept throwing up new challenges for him to figure out.

But Kensi recognized the mischievous glint in his eyes that indicated an impending attack and she scooted away from him quickly, taking the sheet with her to stand on the far side of the bed and leaving Deeks naked and uncovered on the bed. He gave her a curious look, questioning as if she really thought that would ever stop him from trying to pounce on her.

Hurriedly, Kensi pointed at the bedside clock while averting her eyes from the temptation of Deeks. "We have to be at work in an hour. That's barely enough time for showers and a coffee run."

Deeks sighed melodramatically, finally shifting to stand up and offer her a rather pleasant view of his broad shoulders, narrow hips, muscled legs and everything in between.

"Alright, fine. No naked wrestling. You're missing out, trust me," Deeks said, sauntering past her towards the bathroom and giving her a wink as he went. Kensi barely managed to suppress the grin that lit up her face, feeling the blush creep over her cheeks. She did know exactly what she was missing. But duty called.

Thirty minutes later Kensi and Deeks made a quick stop at Starbucks, planning to pick up drinks for the whole team. As they reached the front door, Kensi's phone rang and seeing who it was, she quickly answered.

"Callen, we're on our way. Just getting coffee for everyone."

Kensi waved Deeks on, mouthing the words "orange cranberry scone" and he nodded with a grin, going to stand in line while she stayed outside away from the noise of the customers and espresso machines.

"I wanted to give you two a heads-up. The data mining and searches came back with some interesting results. I talked with Hetty—"

"Did you even sleep, Callen?" Kensi teased, while also a little concerned. Callen's focus on his work, and his tendency to not sleep, hadn't changed.

"I slept. Don't worry about me, Kens," Callen said, though his tone told her he appreciated the concern even as he thought it unwarranted. "This is looking even more complicated than we originally thought. Nate just briefed me and Hetty on his discussion with Griffin's former psychologist. And Hetty agreed with me. You and Deeks are going undercover in Half Moon Bay."

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_To be continued_


	8. Chapter 8

**Note: **I feel a bit like a broken record, but thanks as always for the reviews, favorites, and alerts. It's great motivation! And thank you to my always capable beta, **MioneAlterEgo **for the careful read through. Just as a general disclaimer, there's a bit of talk about PTSD and psychological treatment in this and throughout this story. There's some truth to the treatment techniques and conditions mentioned in this story, but it is highly fictionalized. I do research and try to stay true to life in a general sense, but there is certainly dramatization. If you're itching to get to the undercover, that starts in earnest in the next chapter. Thank you for continuing to read, and for leaving a much appreciated review if you do!

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Following Kensi into the bullpen, Deeks handed cups of coffee around to their grateful team members. The dark circles under Nate's eyes and the deeper than usual creases around Callen's mouth didn't escape his notice. Callen motioned to Sam to join him and then nodded to Nate.

"Fill Kensi and Deeks in on what you learned from Griffin's psychologist. By the time you guys are done and join us upstairs we should be ready to go over the rest."

Lifting a questioning eyebrow at the cryptic wording, Deeks merely took a long drag of his coffee and turned his attention to Nate. Kensi shifted next to him, her jerky movements giving away her distraction.

Deeks sighed, wishing she wasn't so worried about him. But then there was another part of him that was rather touched at her concern. After passing along the message that they would be going undercover again, and to a place that held a pretty charged memory from his life, Deeks noticed Kensi had been carefully watching him. He knew she was trying to gauge how bothered he was. Problem was he really didn't know how he felt.

On the one hand it was a place that represented a pretty painful childhood memory. But on the other hand it was just a place. A nice, somewhat small town by the ocean. And if Deeks never went places with painful memories then he would have had to move from southern California a long time ago. He wasn't big on running from his problems. And sometimes he wasn't big on confronting his problems either, but that was an issue for another day.

"So what did you find out from the doctor?" Deeks asked Nate pointedly, knowing that their case was something they all needed to pay attention to. It would give them focus. And focus was something Deeks was suddenly desperate to have. His problems and whatever he was thinking and feeling would still be there when their case was over.

Nate glanced at Kensi and Deeks, his shrewd eyes weighing and wondering. He seemed to pick up on the thread of unease in them both but he pushed that aside, answering Deeks' question. "Doctor Walter Stein is a retired Marine Colonel. He was Griffith's psychologist during his out-processing from the Corps. It took more than two years, from 2009 to 2011, to officially discharge Griffin. During that time Doctor Stein treated him for PTSD and he recommended continued treatment through the VA even after Griffin left the Marines."

"Two years for a medical discharge? That seems like a really long time," Deeks commented.

"Medical discharges take a notoriously long time to process. And it leaves soldiers in limbo while they await official recommendations on their benefits and care," Kensi said quietly, her careful words giving away her personal insight.

Now Deeks was watching Kensi closely, wondering at how close Griffin's situation mirrored Jack's, and what she'd gone through with her previous fiancé. Kensi studiously avoided his penetrating gaze, clearing her throat and keeping her eyes on Nate.

"Griffin didn't stay under Doctor Stein's care after he was discharged?" Kensi asked.

"No, Doctor Stein is based here in Los Angeles, which was where Griffin was during the processing of his medical discharge. Apparently right after Griffin was officially separated he moved north to Half Moon Bay as soon as he could. He grew up there, though all his family is gone. Doctor Stein retired from the Corps two years ago, and he has a private practice in Glenwood."

"So you talked to Stein? What did you say?" Deeks asked, curious how much Nate might have revealed in order to get information on Griffin. Doctors certainly knew about confidentiality, but NCIS and OSP operated at an incredibly high level of secrecy.

Nate gave Deeks a knowing grin, understanding Deeks' implied concern about what he might have revealed while also giving a hint at some of the more covert skills he'd learned over the past few years working on missions for Hetty. "I told Doctor Stein I was processing some paperwork for Griffin through the Veterans Affairs office in San Francisco. I checked and Griffin goes there once a month for checkups and to pick up his medications."

"Is he on antipsychotics?" Kensi asked softly. Deeks glanced at her, feeling a pang at the knowledge that swam deep in her brown eyes. She knew more than most people did about treatment for PTSD. Kensi stubbornly kept her eyes on Nate, resisting the pull of sympathy in Deeks' watchful blue eyes.

"Not anymore. He was at first, for some severe emotional outbursts and anxiety. He saw some pretty intense combat during his tours of duty. Doctor Stein spent two years doing various kinds of talk therapy with Griffin, while weaning him off the antipsychotics and getting him on a pretty standard regimen of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications."

"Were you able to get an idea if Stein thought Griffin might be capable of murder?" Deeks asked pointedly.

"Everything his doctor told me indicates that Griffin is genuinely haunted and traumatized by his tours of duty. Reading through the notes from four years ago he was definitely capable, especially if he was put in a situation that caused him to relive any of his experience while not in a safe environment," Nate said grimly.

"A 'safe environment'?" Deeks prompted.

"It's one method of treatment for PTSD, especially with soldiers. Exposure therapy is behavior treatment that allows the patient to experience what has caused their PTSD, and in soldiers it sometimes means bringing them back to those moments in combat. But it does need to be in a controlled or 'safe' environment; otherwise it's possible the patient could react violently. They use virtual reality programs, hypnosis, and other one-on-one methods," Nate explained. Holding up a hand to forestall questions, Nate flipped through the file in his hands.

"But from Doctor Stein's notes and the follow up information I got from the VA in San Francisco, he's much more stable now. He's been on a regular and effective dose of medication and his psychologist there noted that he's made excellent progress."

"Right," Kensi scoffed, anger flaring in her eyes and evident in the set line of her mouth. "And how often does the doctor at the VA even meet with him? Once a year for five minutes? The VA is always understaffed. Especially with all the PTSD cases in the wake of Iraq and Afghanistan."

Deeks watched Kensi closely, feeling the anger practically radiating from her. He knew very little about Jack but what he did know of Kensi's experience with PTSD, and in light of her reactions, Deeks had a feeling that her opinion of the medical and psychological treatment for soldiers in a post-war world were decidedly low. And just as significant was the deep well of empathy she had for the soldiers who suffered from PTSD.

Nate nodded once, reluctantly conceding her point. "Griffin is evaluated by a psychologist every six months. And the notes for the last year's worth of evaluations have been a bit sparse. There's no reason to suspect a problem, but a case like Griffin, in which he could be a slow burning problem waiting to break, could easily slip through the cracks."

Deeks opened his mouth to ask if there was anything else Griffin's former psychologist had been able to share, when Nate stopped him.

"But that's not even the part that changes everything."

Nate paused then and Deeks traded glances with Kensi, seeing that curiosity had replaced the anger in her eyes. Nate sighed in frustration, running a hand through his already tousled hair.

"This is where it gets strange. After talking with Doctor Stein I was ready to concede we could very well have a serial killer on our hands and that despite the different methods to the murders, they could have both been committed by Griffin. I couldn't come out and ask Stein if he thought Griffin could be responsible for multiple murders. Not without a little more to go on, and not without tipping Stein off about the investigation, which is unnecessary. But as I was looking through Griffin's file from the VA I noticed something," Nate said, handing the folder to Kensi. She took it, feeling Deeks come up behind her, his chest brushing her shoulder as he stood close.

Kensi glanced through the last several months of entries in Griffin's file, confused until her eyes fell on the list of dates for his last visit to the VA. Looking up at Nate, Kensi saw the answer in his eyes.

"He couldn't have killed Benning," Kensi whispered. Deeks exhaled in surprise in her ear.

"What?"

Kensi pointed to an entry in Griffin's file from a month before. "Right here. While he was at the VA a month ago for his medications he was also treated for an infection in his hand from some kind of work injury. He had a bad reaction to the antibiotics and was hospitalized for three days. Look at the dates."

Deeks squinted, then awareness dawned and he grimly met Nate's eyes. "He was in the hospital at the same time that Benning was killed. Which means what, exactly?"

"He may have killed Callahan. The premeditation that might have caused him to travel all the way to Los Angeles to kill that specific Marine officer is a mystery at this point, but he's probably capable of the violence of the murder. We have him near the scene, but nothing conclusive." Nate recited in confirmation. "But it means we're back to two murderers. And two murderers that are somehow connected. But that's not all. Eric and Nell's searching have picked up some other suspicious cases. It's starting to look like we might have serial killers working together."

Deeks looked at Nate, speechless and more than a little confused. Nate gave him an understanding smile. "I can see this is a lot to take in—"

"Hang on a second. I thought serial killers worked alone," Deeks insisted.

"Not necessarily," Kensi interjected before Nate could speak. "There have been a lot of serial killer teams. The Lonely Heart Killers, the Hillside Stranglers, the Moors Murderers . . ."

Kensi's voice slowly trailed off as she realized the silence in the wake of her words. Deeks looked at her oddly, as if he was seeing a side of her for the first time. Squaring her shoulders back, she crossed her arms over her chest.

"What? I read!"

"Yeah, maybe you shouldn't. Or pick up a Cosmo now and then. Better yet, try those _Twilight_ books or some chick lit."

"Vampires and werewolves sound like a great alternative to serial killers."

"At least vampires and werewolves aren't real, Kensi! Try a little escapism. We deal enough with bad stuff every day. You want to read about it too?"

"I'll have you know the forensic science in some of those books is very interesting. Besides, at least I read."

"I read."

"The sports section of the _LA Times _and your comic book collection barely count."

"But they do count," Deeks said triumphantly. Internally he was pleased at her shift from testy to playful. Despite Kensi's earlier concern about him and her irritation about the treatment of PTSD patients, he could still bring out that teasing side of her. He'd always been proud of his ability to distract her and he knew it was something she depended on him for, even if she had never admitted it. He smiled a wide and knowing grin. "Besides, you love reading comic books with me."

Kensi felt her cheeks grow warm, thinking of their ritual following the release of any of the comics they both followed. They always bought two copies. One pristine copy to go in their vastly growing collection, a compilation born out of the marrying of their two libraries of comic books, and one to read together. As long as it wasn't too cold, they always read in the hammock in their backyard, limbs tangled together, the pages usually getting smudged or torn as they jockeyed for who would turn the page and who read faster than the other. It usually ended in tickling and wrestling, with a comic torn in two but thoroughly enjoyed.

"So anyway," Nate interrupted loudly, obviously trying to bring the attention back to their case. Kensi and Deeks swiveled their eyes back to him and he continued. "Kensi's right in that serial killers can and do work together. It's not very common, but it has happened. Problem is, we can't find any connection between Griffin and whoever he might be working with."

"How many other suspicious murders are we talking about?" Deeks asked. "What did Nell and Eric find?"

Nate looked troubled then, and stood from where he'd been leaning against the desk to gesture for them to follow him upstairs. "It looks like at least three more Marines."

Deeks nearly stumbled as he followed Kensi and Nate, taking the first step leading to the second level and Ops. "Three more? That seems like an awful lot to have slipped unnoticed through the cracks of NCIS."

"There are a lot of unsolved cases in the NCIS backlog. And there are plenty of cases that are ruled accidental that we're looking at again. The link appears to be the missing coins. And that's such a small detail that doesn't always stand out and we don't know if it would have been noted as missing in every case. We could be talking about even more murders than the three more we think we know about—"

"Make that four more," Eric interrupted Nate as they passed through the sliding doors into Ops. Stunned, Deeks could only watch as Eric pulled up numerous photos of uniformed Marines, the computer screens beginning to resemble some kind of horrifyingly exclusive Jarhead club.

"Aside from Brigadier General Benning and Lieutenant Colonel Callahan, our data mining indicates four other cases of unsolved murders, or accidental murders that came up with the new parameters: A Major General in Fort Worth, a Captain in Quantico, a Second Lieutenant in New York City, and a Major in Beaufort, South Carolina," Eric started off. Nell stepped forward, gesturing to the photos as she spoke.

"It's almost a completely random cross section of Marines. All men, but some were active duty, some retired. Two of them are unsolved murders, two were ruled accidental. All in the last six months. The one connection appears to be the missing coins, which we are trying to confirm as missing in each case," Nell paused for a moment, glancing back at the screen, her eyes narrowing as she considered her next words, spoken carefully. "They're almost too random."

"What do you mean, Nell?" Callen asked curiously, leaning forward on his arms against the center console.

"They're from all over the country. Various officer ranks, different ages, different ethnicities. Combined with the latest two murders there isn't a single repeat in the method of death whether it's an accident or more intentional. Between all six we have a home invasion, an accidental drug overdose and fall, a carjacking, a mugging, an accidental drowning, and a hunting accident," Nell rattled off.

"And Justin Griffin is out of the running for at least four of the six murders," Eric replied, gesturing to a file listing the records of Griffin's movements the last several months. "We tracked him going back six months and his whereabouts are accounted for when four of the possible murders took place. He's a possibility for two of them, including Lieutenant Colonel Callahan's, but not the others."

"So that leaves us with what? Griffin has a partner in crime?" Sam asked from his vantage point next to Callen. All eyes turned to Nate, who crossed his arms over his chest as he considered his words.

"It certainly seems possible. If he is working with a partner then their lives should have crossed at some point. And with six murders already this pattern isn't likely to slow down," Nate said uneasily.

"Which means we have a month until the next murder," Callen concluded, turning to Kensi and Deeks. "Which is where you two come in."

"You want us to go to Half Moon Bay and try and figure out if Griffin is connected to the murders and who he might be working with," Kensi concluded easily. Callen nodded once, then gestured to Eric, who began pulling up photos and documents that outlined every detail of Griffin's life.

"On the surface Justin Griffin leads a pretty quiet life. He rents a small one-bedroom house in town and owns his own business, a handyman repair company. He works alone, doesn't seem to have friends or a girlfriend and he's lived in the same house and had the same job since he returned to Half Moon Bay after his medical discharge," Eric rattled off, flipping through documents on the display. "Pays all his bills on time, doesn't have a lot of money in the bank. Not even a speeding ticket to his name. He seems to keep to himself mostly. The one thing that makes him stick out a little is that locally he's a somewhat well known musician. Mostly he plays acoustic guitar at bars, local brewery, the coffee shop, that sort of thing."

Nodding thoughtfully, Deeks categorized the information on Griffin away, knowing they would also get a full file on him to review later. But they needed some kind of in with the guy, some way to get close to him. Turning towards Nell, who had come up next to Eric, Deeks had a feeling she would provide them that access in with their covers. Meeting Nell's sharp hazel eyes, Deeks tilted his head towards her in a silent query.

Nell's lips lifted in a small smile as she took over from Eric, pulling up the new driver's licenses for Kensi and Deeks and began to outline their aliases.

"You'll be Angela and Chris Coleman. Married five years and just moved to Half Moon Bay from New York City. In order to give Deeks a chance to get close to Griffin he'll be an aspiring musician," Nell started off.

Sam shot Deeks a grin and gave him a good-natured shove in the shoulder. "'Aspiring musician,' huh? Think you can handle that, Deeks?"

"Hey, I used to play the violin. The guitar is a piece of cake in comparison," Deeks protested. The surprised silence that fell over the room at this latest revelation, known only to Kensi, had Deeks shrugging defensively. "What? I have hidden talents."

"Of course you do, Mr. Deeks," Hetty replied dryly, a hint of laughter in her tone.

Nell continued on, turning her attention to Kensi's alias. "Angela Coleman is a music executive, recently left a major east coast label to start her own small start up company on the west coast. We needed something that would allow you both to work at home. Eric?"

Eric stepped forward, pulling up a street map and photos of a house. "We found this house not too far from the marina in Half Moon Bay and it's a major fixer upper in need of a kitchen and bathroom remodel, new roof, backyard landscaping. It's a prime opportunity for the Colemans to hire Griffin to do the work while Angela works from home on her business, and Chris on his music."

"Your backstory is that Angela discovers musical talent and she found Chris a several years ago and signed him to her old label. Higher ups in the company above Angela decided not to keep him and they dropped his contract. In protest Angela quit and started a new label, deciding to try her luck closer to the music industry in San Francisco and Los Angeles. And Chris has been working on material for an album since. Angela's the breadwinner in the family right now," Nell supplied.

"Sounds like someone caught himself a sugar mama," Cody interjected, giving Deeks a wink. Deeks laughed and shook his head, while Kensi straightened up and put her hands on her hips.

"And what's the problem with that? Men are attracted to powerful, successful women all the time," Kensi replied hotly. Deeks laid a hand on the back of Kensi's neck, squeezing gently.

"I've got no problem with you playing the high powered, wealthy executive while I'm the laid back, lazy musician, Angel baby," Deeks said teasingly, to which Kensi turned her head slow to fix him with a silent glare at the nickname.

Refusing to wither under her stare, but wanting to divert attention, Deeks coughed uncomfortably, raising his hand to interrupt. "This isn't going to require me to sing, is it? Because that might _not_ be one of my hidden talents."

"We'll leave the particulars up to you, Mr. Deeks. But I have no doubt you'll rise to the occasion, should the situation require it," Hetty replied. Deeks put his hand down and tried not to frown as Kensi glanced at him, biting her lip to try and hide the sudden grin the threatened to break free.

"We've acquired the house and Eric and I are setting up all the necessary paperwork for your aliases. Since it's Friday that'll give us the weekend to make arrangement to move in all the equipment you guys will need in the house. Rachel's working on pulling together furnishings and home office stuff and scheduling the movers. We've already set up an appointment on Monday morning for Griffin to come to the house to give the Colemans an estimate on the work they want him to do," Nell said.

"And while I'm pretending to write music and Kensi's pretending to know anything about music, what are you boys going to be doing?" Deeks asked curiously, pointing at Cody, Callen, and Sam in turn.

"Cody will run background surveillance in Half Moon Bay for you two, keep an eye on Griffin when you can't," Callen replied. "And Sam and I will be checking out the other potential murders, and try and determine the connection to Griffin, as well as try and identify if there are other murders we still don't know about."

Hetty clapped her hands together once, drawing the team's attention to her. "I think everyone knows what they should be doing. Mr. Deeks, Ms. Blye, please follow me to wardrobe."

It was over an hour later before Kensi was able to escape from Hetty and the wardrobe area. She had to grin to herself as she allowed one last glance back, seeing Hetty still sorting through racks of clothes, pulling shirts and pants free and holding them up to Deeks to compare to his coloring. Deeks had started fidgeting well over thirty minutes earlier but he suffered mostly in silence. Which even Kensi had to admit was uncharacteristically gracious of him.

Kensi had gotten away with Hetty taking her measurements, pulling several outfits quickly, and passing them along to one of the wardrobe staff to alter. Hetty had also sent another employee off to buy a few things at the store and had supplied Kensi with a list of general things she and Deeks would be allowed to bring. Kensi had been dispatched to go to their house and pack those items and then return to Ops for the afternoon's departure to Half Moon Bay.

Passing by her desk, Kensi retrieved her bag and keys, her eyes sweeping across the open courtyard towards Rachel's desk. And Kensi had to smile at the organized chaos of Rachel's normally pristine desk, no doubt caused by the tall order of arranging for a deep undercover on a moment's notice. Seeing that Rachel was finishing up her call, Kensi walked over, smiling at the messy desk and the mirrored disarray of Rachel's hair, strands of blond hair escaping from her ponytail, which Rachel blew impatiently out of her face.

Seeing Kensi approach, Rachel gave her a bright and triumphant smile. "Just finished the last arrangements for all the furnishings and computer equipment. It'll all be delivered Sunday afternoon. I know you guys are heading north today, so you'll need to find a hotel or rough it without a bed until then."

"Yeah, Hetty thought we should get up there and start getting the lay of the land sooner rather than later. I'll add sleeping bags to the list of things I'm going home to pick up," Kensi replied. Rachel raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"You've actually got a sleeping bag for Marty? I'm surprised he would agree to sleep in one," Rachel replied dryly. Kensi had to laugh, knowing Rachel was right. She nodded, conceding the point.

"He does have one, even if he's never slept in it. If I want my camping fix I know who to call," Kensi replied with a grin. Rachel returned the laughter.

"That's right, please take my husband whenever you get the urge. Besides, then it gives me and Marty the chance to have fun together. Last time he took me and Chase to Disneyland and I got to watch as all the teenage girls and moms stared at him longingly wherever we went," Rachel said with a wink. "Don't worry, I glared back."

Kensi shrugged, not at all concerned. And she liked that her two best friends were such good friends. Considering she and Deeks had started out their association with Rachel while lying to her and by accidentally pulling her into their undercover assignment to the point that she'd been kidnapped and shot, Kensi considered it lucky Rachel was so resilient and forgiving.

Thinking back to the conversation she'd had with Rachel two days earlier, Kensi had the urge to fill her friend in on what had happened since. Glancing at the piles of paperwork, she gestured with one hand. "Hey, I have to head to the house to pick up some stuff for the undercover. Want to come with me?"

Nodding enthusiastically, Rachel stood and grabbed her purse. "Yes, please get me out of here for a little while. I've done everything I can for now anyway. Let me just go tell Hetty."

Kensi waited as Rachel walked over to wardrobe, peeking her head through the curtain. And after exchanging a few words, Rachel returned, taking Kensi's arm and leading her towards the parking area. She gave Kensi a sympathetic glance.

"Poor Marty. Hetty was making him try on the same shirt in about four different colors. She seems very intent on getting his clothing just right. He looked like he wanted to make a run for it."

Kensi smiled to herself, knowing Deeks was not very big into trying on clothes. Just as she also knew it was partially Hetty's way of checking on Deeks' mental state in advance of their undercover. Kensi had no doubt that Hetty probably picked up on his discomfort the previous day at the mention of the town where they would be going undercover. Hetty probably wouldn't ask him outright, but time spent with Deeks, helping him get ready for the undercover, would ease her mind.

As she and Rachel drove towards Malibu, Kensi tried to think about how to bring up the subject of their earlier conversation. She should have realized Rachel would beat her to it.

"Did you and Marty get to talk about the family and job situation and what you were worried about?"

Kensi gave Rachel a grateful smile, glad to have the opening. "We did. And it turns out it has been on his mind, too. Not to mention there are other considerations now."

As they arrived at the house and began packing items for the undercover Kensi filled Rachel in on Hetty's offer to make her an intelligence analyst or forensics specialist, and on Deeks' college friend's offer at his law firm. They were finishing in the house and heading to the garage when Kensi finished, turning to see the dazed look on Rachel's face.

"Wow, that's a lot to consider. Do you guys know what you're going to do?" Rachel asked, concern lighting her green eyes. Kensi shrugged.

"Not really. We kind of just deferred a decision because neither of us wanted to deal with it. And now, with the case . . ."

"It gives you even more of an opportunity to procrastinate," Rachel supplied. She gentled her tone and gaze, giving Kensi a sympathetic smile. "Not that I blame you. It has to be hard to know what to do, especially with both of you tripping over yourselves to sacrifice for each other."

"How did you—"

"Please, Kensi. I know you guys. Both together and separately. I have no doubt you were both mutually going down the separate paths of you taking over a desk job and Marty going back to being a lawyer by the time you actually talked about it together. He would do anything for you, anything to make you happy. Or at least what he thinks would make you happy. And you would do the same for him. All before you actually talked to each other about what that might be."

Kensi ignored the uncomfortable awareness in Rachel's words by throwing the sleeping bags in the back of the SUV, then adding some blankets for good measure. It got cold along the northern California coast at night.

Feeling the previously ignored uncertainty like a weight on her shoulders, Kensi sighed and sat on the edge of the car's bumper, Rachel following her movements.

"You're right," Kensi said softly, casting a helpless glance towards Rachel. "But that doesn't change anything. Neither of us knows what the right thing to do is. And we're both more than willing to give up being an agent, even while neither of us really _wants _to do it. We don't want to not be partners anymore."

Kensi couldn't quite keep the desperate note from her voice. She really couldn't quite imagine not having Deeks to watch her back. And something deep in her chest reacted violently at the thought of someone else looking out for him. She knew nobody else could possibly live up to her standards in keeping him safe. But once again, staying partners didn't solve their problem. Putting themselves both in the line of fire, especially if they had a family at home, was a risk that just seemed too great, too selfish.

"You'll still be partners," Rachel said confidently. Kensi fixed her with a confused glance and Rachel smiled widely. "You'll be husband and wife. I don't know if there's any partnership as difficult as that. Wait, scratch that. Once you factor kids in that's enough to challenge any partnership."

Kensi nodded reluctantly, knowing Rachel was telling the truth. But at the same time it didn't really give her much comfort.

"It won't be the same," Kensi replied sadly, hoping Rachel caught the deeper meaning of her words. If anyone understood her connection to Deeks, had seen it up close and personal while they were undercover, and then later as a close friend in their lives, it was Rachel. And as usual, Rachel didn't disappoint.

She reached out, gently clasping Kensi's hand in hers and squeezing it gently. "I know it won't be the same, sweetie. It'll be different because that's just what happens in life. Things change, even when we don't want them to. _Especially _when we don't want them to. But you have to go with it, adjust, and move forward. Nobody does that better than you and Marty. You guys are kind of trained for that."

Kensi nodded, silently agreeing even while the stubborn side of her, the side that was so happy with her current life, objected strongly to possible changes. It was the kind of happiness she'd long thought she would never have and she was fiercely protective of anything threatening that.

The ghosts of her past, of her life when changes had meant her father's death, Jack leaving to fight a war and returning never quite the same man, getting NCIS partners and losing them, reared up even despite the several years of Deeks proving to her that changes since his appearance in her life hadn't been all bad.

"But what if the things that change aren't good? What if he hates being a lawyer? What if I hate being a forensics specialist?" Kensi paused, taking a shaky breath, finally allowing the one fear she hadn't voice to burst free. "What if I'm a bad mother?"

Rachel startled, blinking rapidly as she took in Kensi's words with amused awareness. She seemed to adjust quickly, leaning in to look Kensi in the eye.

"Is that what you're worried about? Kensi, that's not going to be an issue for you or for Marty as a father. You two are going to be great parents," Rachel said, pausing to hold up a hand at the question she saw in Kensi's eyes. "Don't ask me how I know. I just do."

Kensi smiled, wishing she had Rachel's confidence in this one thing. Rachel gently tugged on Kensi's hand, still held in hers.

"You're not the type to usually have any kind of confidence issues. And you and Marty are a great team. Why would you think you guys can't conquer parenthood?" Rachel asked curiously.

"Probably because it's bigger than anything else I've ever done. And if I don't do it right it isn't just me, it's him, it's our son or daughter. I just can't do it wrong," Kensi trailed off quietly, a little desperation seeping into her voice.

"If you do it right, being a parent is both the most selfish and most selfless thing a person can do," Rachel said softly. "But the risks of that on either side shouldn't make you not do it. It's something you both want, right?"

Kensi nodded hurriedly, knowing that even with all the uncertainties swirling around her and Deeks, they knew they wanted children.

"Then you guys will figure it out, I promise. Have faith in each other. That's one thing you two are not lacking in any way. And I really think the right answer for your professional futures will somehow become clear," Rachel said strongly. Kensi shot her a somewhat dubious glance.

"How is it that you can be so optimistic, especially when there's no way to know the outcome?" Kensi asked. Rachel patted her on the arm before standing.

"I don't really know. There's just some stuff I believe. It was part of what got me through being kidnapped three years ago," Rachel said, her tone becoming self-critical. "Not that my belief has always come through for me. There's a long line of exes pre-Cody that proves just how misguided my Pollyanna view can be sometimes."

Kensi allowed a chuckle along with Rachel's, standing to get back to the task at hand. She checked her watch, noting that they needed to get back to Ops soon so she and Deeks could start heading north.

"Rachel, can you grab Deeks' surfboard, the green shortboard with three fins? Hetty did allow that he could surf, provided our assignment gives him the time."

Rachel nodded, leaving the garage for the side yard but stopping at the door to throw back a question. "Do you want me to grab your board too?"

"Angela Coleman doesn't strike me as the surfing time so I'll have to sit this one out," Kensi replied, a little regretfully. Although she didn't quite feel the same call of the waves that Deeks did, she found she did love surfing with him and seeing the ocean through his eyes. But she could just as easily enjoy watching him surf for the next few weeks, or however long their undercover lasted.

After finishing with the packing, including strapping down Deeks' board and loading Monty into the car, Kensi and Rachel returned to Ops. Rachel took Monty, having volunteered to keep him while Kensi and Deeks were undercover, and Kensi looked around for Deeks and was nearly knocked over when he practically tackled her near the couch.

"Thank God you're back. Please, Kensi, save me from Hetty and her pins and the _What Not to Wear_ episode that has been my life the last few hours," Deeks pleaded, his arms going around her shoulders. Kensi laughed quietly, letting her hand skim over his back as she hugged him back briefly, then stepped out of his embrace to take in the slight desperation in his eyes and the even more disorderly than usual state of his hair.

"Poor baby," Kensi murmured gently, then allowed a predatory smile. "But at least it sounds like Hetty's making sure you'll be well dressed for your sugar mama."

Deeks exhaled the long suffering sigh of the extremely put-upon. "You know, you've never complained about my clothes before. And I thought you liked how my jeans emphasized—"

"Nobody needs you to finish that sentence, Deeks," Callen said dryly, coming up behind Deeks from the bullpen. Kensi traded glances with Deeks, who simply smirked but managed to keep his mouth shut.

Callen handed a well-stuffed envelope to Kensi, then passed them both new phones, his blue eyes turned serious. "Everything on your aliases and Justin Griffin is in there. The car is loaded and whatever you need that isn't going with you today will be there by Sunday afternoon. Cody is going to arrive on Sunday and he'll set up shop on a boat in the marina. Check in protocol is once a week, and Eric set up secure accounts on your laptops."

Always examining every side of the situation, Callen gave them each careful looks before he continued. "Sam and I are heading to the east coast to check out the cases in Quantico, New York City, and Beaufort. We'll make sure we keep you updated if there's anything you need to know as you're investigating Griffin. You guys good?"

"We're good," Deeks insisted, draping an arm over Kensi's shoulders. With one last nod goodbye, Callen turned to join Sam to depart for the airport.

Deeks turned towards Kensi, picking up her left hand and fingering her engagement ring. Before she could ask what he was doing, he lifted his other hand and she caught the flash of the wedding band held between his thumb and forefinger. He was about to slip the band on when Kensi stopped him.

"Wait, wait," she murmured, quickly removing the engagement band from her ring finger. At Deeks confused look, she held her hand out for him. "Wedding bands go on first, then the engagement ring. Because you're never supposed to take off the wedding ring."

"You learn something new every day," Deeks said quietly in response, slipping the wedding band on her finger and then taking her engagement ring from her hand to pair them together. Kensi admired the rings for a moment, a little surprised at the sentimental lump that formed in her throat.

"Hetty said I could keep my ring?" Kensi asked. Deeks lifted a shoulder in acknowledgement.

"Yeah, well, they're both yours, really." At the widening of Kensi's eyes, Deeks continued. "The wedding band is yours, too. It's just on your finger two months early."

Speechless, Kensi shifted her eyes to look back at the band, realizing it was the one she and Deeks had picked out months ago. Turning back to Deeks, she smiled as she saw he'd anticipated her next question, his wedding band held up for her to take.

Wordlessly, she took it, trying to ignore the pounding of her heart as she pushed the band over his knuckle, the ring of metal coming to rest on his finger. She looked up and found Deeks' eyes with her own, seeing the unspoken words and the layers of understanding and deep adoration in his gaze on her.

"Can I kiss the bride?" Deeks whispered, to which she nodded quickly, for once not caring about the busy and crowded Ops around them. Deeks grinned and tilted her chin up with his hands, grazing his lips lightly against hers. Kensi closed her eyes so she could feel the sweetness of his touch, the warmth of him holding her close, the promise of so much more in the brush of his sigh against her mouth.

He kept the kiss quick, then took a deep steadying breath and a forceful step back. With a nod of his head towards the window, Deeks gave her a reassuring smile. "You ready?"

Kensi felt her breath catch, knowing it was a simple question but layered with potentially so much more. She reminded herself this was about their undercover assignment. Not about their impending wedding, their job changes, or the possibility of becoming parents. She could handle the question about their assignment. The rest was a blank white page that she had no clue how to fill.

Squaring her shoulders, Kensi nodded firmly. "Yes. Let's go."

* * *

_To be continued_


	9. Chapter 9

**Note: **Just a quick thanks for the reviews, favorites, and alerts. If you're still reading along, your interest in the story is much appreciated, really and truly. And the world's best beta, **MioneAlterEgo**, knocked this one out of the park, as usual. Thanks for reading, and reviewing if you do.

P.S. - If you're looking for a wonderful, recently completed, story, I highly recommend "Natural Equilibrium" by my good friend **thepixiesmademedoit**. Fantastic K/D story and a very interesting case behind it all.

* * *

Kensi breathed deeply, taking in the damp salt air, a shiver chasing over her skin as the chilly morning breeze washed over her. She listened to the steady beat of her heart as it nearly matched the thumps of her feet hitting the asphalt road.

Keeping her pace casual but steady, the very picture of a Sunday morning jogger, Kensi turned down 1st Avenue in the suburban area of Half Moon Bay, passing the tree-named streets, lined up like an orchard. Myrtle, Filbert, Spruce, Poplar, Magnolia.

It was a quiet morning, the sun having risen over the coastal range behind the town only a few hours earlier. Kensi jogged a deliberate path, leaving the house Angela and Chris Coleman recently acquired on Magnolia and running in a circular route through the neighborhood. Her destination would look innocent to anyone observing her. They really had no reason to suspect anyone would be watching them. But as Kensi rounded the corner of Poplar Street, she kept her head up and her eyes casting about in sharp observation.

Slowing her pace just slightly, Kensi came to a slow stop in front of Justin Griffin's small bungalow, turning circles and making a show of checking her heart rate against the watch on her wrist. The house was tiny, but with an immaculate yard and showed the signs of a property well cared for. Kensi observed the quiet of the house, easily concluding no one was home or Griffin was still asleep. Crouching on a knee, Kensi re-tied her sneaker shoelace before rising to her feet to continue her jog towards the beach. And towards where she would find Deeks.

They'd arrived late in the evening two days earlier, finding their undercover house in as desperate need of renovation as Nell and Eric had promised. That part of their cover was sufficiently genuine, from the roof missing shingles, the interior paneling and carpet straight from 1979, and the kitchen and bathrooms in desperate need of upgrading.

For a second Kensi had been sure Deeks would demand they check into a local hotel, but Kensi had been able to convince her partner there actually were benefits to sharing a sleeping bag. And the promise of their furniture arriving later that day had been enough to quiet his not-so-subtle grumblings about the third world country conditions of their cover home. Kensi had merely rolled her eyes, pointing out that the fact that they had indoor plumbing and hot water automatically threw them out of third world country status.

Saturday they'd explored the town a little to get familiar with the area, finding the city of just under 12,000 residents had an eclectic mix of local businesses, agriculture, restaurants, and a strong presence of fishing boats and recreational boaters and surfers. For most of that first day Deeks had been quiet, carefully observing everything around him, silently looking for that hint of the place he remembered from his childhood. She'd seen the apprehension and dread in the tension of his shoulders and back. Would the place itself confirm the memories, the bad ones associated with his father, the good ones with his conviction at such a young age that he would seek freedom and find his own way?

All the while, Kensi had watched him, knowing he was looking for proof of the knife twisting memory from thirty years earlier. She'd been relieved to see Deeks slowly relax through the day. The city was vastly different than he remembered. For a while Kensi had hoped that meant it wouldn't be as difficult for Deeks to face those demons from his childhood.

As they'd rounded the harbor and come around to the jetty protecting the northern crescent shape of the bay, Deeks had undergone an almost instantaneous shift. Kensi recognized it immediately as a panicked pause and the body's resulting impulse to fight or flee. She'd seen it, plainly written in the discomforting memory, that running had been his urge. And she'd seen the responding guilt that flickered through Deeks' eyes as he grew angry with his instinctive flight response.

Her hand, slipping into his and holding tight, seemed to anchor him. Her touch was forgiving in the way she knew Deeks needed even if she didn't think it warranted. And her understanding came in how she didn't push him to talk about his response. They'd had an early dinner, returned to the house to go over the case file, and turned in early.

Kensi work up just after dawn, finding the absence of Deeks' warmth a most aggravating alarm clock. His neatly scrawled note told her he'd gone down to the beach to surf, and likely clear his head. Surfing had been his anchor as a child and it still was, even in the place that stirred up so many unwanted memories.

Giving him some time to himself, Kensi had finished reading Griffin's file before setting off on her reconnaissance mission through the neighborhood. She had an image in her head, of Griffin's face locked in her memory. She would know him if she saw him, and she knew she had to be careful. Griffin wouldn't know her yet, not until the next morning when he was scheduled to come around to the Coleman's house to give them an estimate on the renovations to the house.

Kensi could easily imagine the impatient shake of Deeks' head at her solo investigative mission. She would just as easily argue back there was very little harm in her trying to observe their suspect, especially when he had no reason to suspect he was being watched.

"_Don't ever forget Griffin is likely very dangerous. He's either completely in control of his actions, which makes him a careful and calculating psychopath, or he's working with someone who is, which may mean he's an impressionable, docile man who is blindly following orders. Either way, he has the potential to be very violent."_

Nate's parting words rang in her head and Kensi resisted the urge she felt to dismiss them. She did respect Nate's point of view and she knew he had a way of seeing and observing people that was on a level of perception she couldn't hope to achieve. And she knew her urge to dismiss his words was biased. After reading Griffin's file there had been no way she couldn't see the comparison and similarities to Jack.

Like Jack, Justin Griffin had seen intense combat. Griffin had endured more tours, serving three tours to Jack's one. Knowing how altered Jack had been upon his return after only two years, Kensi could hardly imagine what six years of combat would do to a person. Griffin's file indicated he'd been a rising star in his unit, receiving regular promotions until he reached the rank of Lance Corporal during his third tour.

It was then, during his last tour, that the history of Lance Corporal Griffin became infinitely tragic. The report facts were dry but even Kensi could read between the lines. During a night patrol in Afghanistan, Griffin's unit had taken fire. Most of the unit had managed to take cover, but Griffin had sustained serious injuries and had been stranded from the rest of the unit. The unit's medic, a Navy Corpsman named Carlos Ramirez, had gone to aid Griffin, pulling him to safety and treating his injuries, stabilizing Griffin before, under intense fire, Ramirez had defended Griffin, been caught in the crossfire and was killed.

Kensi might have been able to mark that death as another tragic loss except for a few scant sentences at the end of the unit's commanding officer's report. He'd noted that Griffin had been nearly inconsolable after witnessing the Corpsman's death.

Official military reports were usually succinct and to the point. Clipped of emotion and focused on the facts at hand. But the end of the report on Ramirez's death contained three sentences that stood out.

"_A Navy Corpsman is a Marine's best friend because he doesn't wonder if the Corpsman will be there to save his life, he knows. The thought of losing a Corpsman is unimaginable to any Marine, that's how much Marines love their Corpsmen. The loss is even greater when the Corpsman and Marine, like Ramirez and Griffin, are best friends beyond the ranks of war and brotherhood forged in combat."_

Most tellingly, Navy Corpsman Carlos Ramirez had been posthumously awarded the Navy Cross for his extraordinary heroism during combat. As the highest decoration within the Navy and the second highest military award for valor, saving a Marine's life while under fire, and selflessly sacrificing his own for his fellow soldier's safety, more than merited the award. Up until Ramirez's death Griffin had apparently shouldered the burden of combat well. But it was as if something had broken within in him, as if whatever strength he'd had vanished after the death of his friend.

Kensi had a feeling Nate would have classified Griffin's loss as a kind of trigger. From there forward his medical history read like a classic and tragic example of PTSD. And Kensi couldn't help the rearing feeling of compassion for the man. No matter what he'd done since, he'd started off a young man asked to endure more horror than most ever would witness in their lives.

She tried to shake those sympathetic feelings for Griffin. She knew she was identifying with him, associating her own history with Jack to another soldier twisted by war. Kensi had never seen combat in war herself, but she'd had a front row seat to the affects it had on Jack.

Some days she wondered if she'd really helped Jack. At first when he'd returned, when he'd barely moved through life, barely functioned as a human being in the world, she'd felt needed. Eventually Jack had stabilized enough to appear to be an active participant in society. There had been a part of her that had rejoiced at the development, been fooled and hopeful enough that the man she loved wasn't gone, hadn't left her years earlier and was never coming back.

And she'd been young and naïve enough to hope even while deep down she'd known. Kensi could see it now with the years of disappointment that followed. She'd refused to acknowledge the truth in what Jack had become. He wasn't her Jack. He'd returned someone else. Her Jack had been gone when he left for his deployment. She'd never seen him again even as she lived with the ghost of him, stubbornly hoping and foolishly wishing the man she loved would reappear.

Kensi shook her head resolutely. She couldn't allow this mixture of empathy to interfere with their assignment. She tried to tell herself that the case of Justin Griffin was different. She didn't have the same personal connection to the man. He wasn't Jack. And Griffin was very likely a killer.

Reaching the edge of the suburban neighborhood portion of Half Moon Bay, Kensi turned west, catching the strengthening scent of fresh ocean air in the breeze. She picked up her pace, jogging past the entrance to Half Moon Bay State Beach, heading for the sand. As her sneakers sank into the ground, Kensi stopped to take her socks and shoes off, letting her bare feet be swallowed by the warm sand.

The combination of the wind coming off the waves, the warm sun on her back, and the sound of the ocean's steady waves lulled her and pulled her towards the shore. Kensi looked up and down the beach, catching sight of perhaps half a dozen surfers enjoying the early morning waves. It took her only seconds to find Deeks, skillfully dropping down to catch a wave as it broke, the curl of the swell chasing him.

Kensi stood and watched Deeks for a minute, the sight of him out on the water bringing her security and calm. Having a fiancé and brother who surfed, she'd overhead enough conversation to know that the surfing around Half Moon Bay was considered some of the best in the world, but it also held a hint of danger. She knew surfing could be treacherous and she'd watched Cody and Deeks surfing together enough to know that they could be daredevils sometimes. But she'd also seen a carefulness to Deeks when he was out on the water. He respected the ocean. And whereas on first glance people might write him off as a dumb surfer just out to have fun, he was anything but.

Looking around, Kensi judged where the best viewpoint for watching Deeks surf might be and she settled down on the sand, losing herself in the rush of the waves and the sight of Deeks catching wave after wave, seemingly capturing peace and centering himself with each ride.

After an hour or so, Deeks finally came to shore. Kensi watched him approach her, read the relaxation in his posture until he was close enough that she could see his face and look into his eyes. She knew Deeks had demons. None of them who worked in the jobs they did, who had managed to survive, could have done it without developing coping mechanisms. And Deeks came to the table with more childhood baggage than the average person. It hadn't taken her long to realize that surfing was one way he was able to deal with his demons. But it was the recent revelation, that the drive to surf had come so young, that made her realize how important it was for Deeks to find his own peace out on the ocean.

With a smile to herself, Kensi realized it meant they were probably not likely to ever move and live somewhere away from the ocean. As a kid she'd been used to the constant upheaval that came with military life. As a young woman permanence in a home had been something of a foreign concept. But she had been a little surprised at herself to realize how easy it was to slip into the reliability a relationship with Deeks had offered her. Safety and security were things she'd thought lost to her before Deeks.

"How were the waves?" Kensi asked casually, using the shop talk about surfing as a way to gauge how Deeks was dealing with the discomfort he felt being back in such an emotionally charged place.

"They're good. Really good. Bigger than most anything in southern California. I can't even imagine what they must be like in the winter. I'll bet this is a great place to surf. Cody's going to love it when he gets here."

Kensi saw the gleam in Deeks' eye, the almost serene but focused intent as he stared out at the water. For Deeks the ocean, the rise and fall of the waves, the ancient pull of the tide, was an addicting drug that offered the incredible high and none of the side effects.

He seemed calm. Collected. Completely in control and at peace. And Kensi wondered then if it was really that easy for him. All that history, all those doubts and fears from his childhood wiped away by a morning of surfing? Kensi couldn't help but question that it could be that easy but Deeks wasn't giving her any signs it was anything but exactly that.

She couldn't help it though. There was a part of her that was suspicious, even if Deeks seemed to think he was fine. She wondered if there might be something else that would disturb his calm, dredge up those memories, serve as a trigger and force him to really and actually confront his decades-old guilt and fear.

It didn't happen often, but just like anyone, Deeks had a breaking point. She could probably count on one hand the number of times she'd seen him reach his. And every time it had happened because of that inevitable personal connection, that tendency he had to feel things a little more than maybe he wanted, to be unable to keep his distance as would probably be smarter for professionalism and finishing an assignment.

Kensi thought through all her worry for Deeks, the concern she felt that they be focused on their assignment. And she had a feeling that even if there were still unresolved issues Deeks felt about his past, he wouldn't want to get into it now, not while they needed to concentrate on their objective to learn as much as possible about Griffin, try and figure out why he might be killing Marines, and determine if he was working with anyone else.

As Deeks planted his board in the sand and flopped down next to her, leaning over to plant a wet and salty kiss on her cheek, Kensi allowed the shudder at his cold lips, followed by laughter as he dipped his head to nuzzle her neck, his cold nose finding the hollow behind her ear.

"Stop! You're cold and wet, neither of which are things I want to be," Kensi warned, shying back from his touch. Deeks sat back a little, a look of pretend hurt crossing his face. Kensi sighed, recognizing the pouting would continue until she gave in a little. It was a classic distraction move Deeks had perfected with her over the years. The game they'd played when they were just partners, the give and take, his being annoying and playful and her pretending to be annoyed and not at all charmed by the playfulness, was still going. And truth be told, she never wanted it to stop.

Rising up on her knees, Kensi reached around Deeks, pulling the zipper of his wetsuit down and smoothing her hands over his shoulders and back. His skin was chilled from the ocean and her hands were warm as she peeled the suit away from his upper body, freeing his hands from the material. She let her hands graze his forearms and biceps, then lingered over his chest, stifling a grin as she leaned back and caught sight of his eyes, darkening as he watched her closely, all earlier pretense of hurt gone.

She barely managed to swallow her shriek as Deeks suddenly pounced on her, the breath leaving her lungs as she fell back against the sand, pinned there by Deeks' damp, hard body. She wiggled a little, trying to find a way to gain the upper hand and flip him. When she found no room to move, and merely got a raised eyebrow from Deeks, she slid her fingers around to his waist, finding the gap in his wetsuit and reaching for the sensitive skin at his sides, her fingers grazing the bumps of his ribs as he stretched his arms to reach around her.

With quick reflexes, Deeks caught her hands, bringing them around and pinning them to the sand over her head. Kensi looked up, and feeling the heat of Deeks' body even through the layers of her jogging clothes and his wetsuit, cast him a reproachful look.

"We're on a public beach, let's keep this at least PG," Kensi warned.

"What's the fun in that?" Deeks murmured. Ignoring her warning, Deeks shifted his body slightly, leaning down to kiss the underside of her jaw. Her eyes fluttering shut, Kensi could almost let herself sink into the sand and the heavenly feeling of his weight pressing her down. Almost.

And just as she was arguing with herself, Deeks suddenly lifted away from her, winking at her as if to acknowledge he knew the affect he'd had on her. Hearing the sounds of an approaching family, two small girls giggling with their mother, Kensi felt the heat rush to her face at the thought of almost being caught. Deeks had been more aware of their surroundings than her, his ability distract her almost completely, especially when her defenses were down, still probably her biggest weakness.

Kensi scowled and sat up, shivering at where he'd dampened her clothes. Picking up a small handful of sand, Kensi tossed it at Deeks, who was not at all perturbed as some of it stuck to his wetsuit.

Kensi was able to let go of any annoyance she might have felt, just seeing Deeks as calm and relaxed as he was. It may have been the mirage of acceptance and calm with whatever had unsettled him before, but she would take it. It meant he was keeping whatever stirred up emotions from the day before at bay. He was focused on their assignment despite his past history. And she reminded herself that she needed to do the same, no matter how much the memories of Jack seemed to push in when she thought about what Justin Griffin had gone through.

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" Kensi asked softly, glancing at Deeks out of the corner of her eye. Instead of being annoyed at her question, Deeks merely nodded confidently.

"Yeah, I think I can find a way in with this guy. We know he's into music and I can probably play off that, talk with him during his breaks, maybe subtly distract him while he's working. He doesn't seem to have many friends and even if he doesn't want many, he probably would like one person who understands him," Deeks shifted uncomfortably, his eyes staring off onto the horizon for just a minute before returning to her. "Kind of like Jesse."

Kensi felt her breath catch. Jesse Thompson. Bank robber, unwitting accessory to murder and kidnapping. A kind and impressionable young man caught up in a mess of his friend's making. An image of Jesse's face from all those years ago in that dark warehouse when she'd been kidnapped, long sun-bleached hair, eyes sad and scared, flashed over Kensi's vision. The last time they'd seen Jesse had been in court, when she, Deeks, Rachel, and Nell had testified on his behalf and as an argument about why he shouldn't be put in prison for the rest of his life, despite the part he'd played in the bank robberies that had resulted in several deaths.

"Have you heard anything about where Jesse is these days?" Kensi asked, thinking that if Deeks had brought it up, it was probably for a reason. Jesse had been a friend to both of them, despite the deception of their covers.

"I made some inquiries a few months back. I was careful they didn't tell me where he was, but he was released from prison not long ago. Three years with good behavior. And he's in witness protection with his family. I don't think we'll ever see him again. I just…"

Deeks trailed off and Kensi let her eyes come to rest on Deeks' profile, at the resolute way he stared off at the ocean. He finally turned his head and she saw the reluctance settled in his eyes, creasing his brow.

"I know it's what we do. But I kind of hate the idea of befriending and lying to someone. Especially someone who is maybe messed up after serving his country with honor. It doesn't seem like a fate he deserves," Deeks remarked. Kensi took a deep breath, understanding better than anyone what Deeks meant. She could easily agree with him, but that wasn't always her role to play as his partner. There were always two sides to every coin, and in the work they did, even more sides than that.

"It may not be. But he may also be a dangerous murderer. We have to think about that, too. And if he is messed up in something beyond his control then we need to figure that out so we can get him help and so he'll stop hurting people," Kensi said firmly, keeping Lieutenant Colonel Callahan's violent murder in mind. They still didn't know for certain that Griffin had killed Callahan, or what motivations he might have had. But they needed to figure it out, and figure out if Griffin was working with anyone.

Deeks nodded, her words hitting home and reminding him of why they did the jobs they did, why they lied to people as a normal course of their everyday lives. Standing and pulling his surfboard free of the sand, Deeks gestured back towards Half Moon Bay.

"I'm going to head back and get showered. The moving van should be here in a couple hours. You ready?"

Kensi stood, brushing the sand from her black workout leggings. "I saw a coffee shop on my way here. I'll get us something to drink and meet you at the house?"

Deeks grinned his thanks, giving her a quick kiss of the lips before he trudged up the beach along the trail towards the house. Kensi took off at a slow jog, coming around to the small neighborhood café, its large bay windows facing the beach.

She entered the café, finding it warm and cheerful, the smells of espresso and sugar welcoming her like familiar friends. Kensi stopped at the front counter, placing an order for drinks and pastries, then turned around to face a bulletin board on the wall, her gaze aimlessly shifting over the advertisements for piano lessons, puppies for sale, a car wash by the local high school, and a poetry reading that Thursday.

"Green tea soy latte and a triple espresso caramel mocha."

Turning quickly for her order, Kensi reached for the cups of coffee and balanced the bag of pastries in her hands. As she turned she caught a warning flash of motion out of the corner of her eye the second before a man collided with her from the side.

With a muffled curse, Kensi tried not to yelp too loudly as most of the coffee spilled down her front, the hot liquid soaking into her clothes. Almost immediately the man who ran into her started apologizing, kneeling down to try and clean up the mess.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am. I wasn't looking where I was going and then you were right there—"

Kensi had felt her annoyance flare but it quieted at the genuinely stricken tone of the man's voice. He finally stood, already demanding that she allow him to replace her coffee, his words tumbling over one another, his face tinted pink with embarrassment, when Kensi caught sight of his face. And she froze, not entirely sure if she was glad or worried at this development, different than anything she and Deeks had planned for.

Because looking at her with desperate apology plainly written in his deep green eyes, was Justin Griffin.

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_To be continued_


	10. Chapter 10

**Note: **I know, long time, no updating. My apologies, I'm going to have to blame real life and leave it at that. I hope to be back on track with regularly updating. As always, thanks goes to **MioneAlterEgo **for the beta read. If you're still with me and this story thanks for reading, and reviewing if you do! With my horribly long hiatus from updating I appreciated the encouragement and enthusiasm for this story. Thank you.

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"Justin, you need to watch where you're going."

Kensi looked up at the soft, teasing voice, her gaze settling on the young barista who had come around from behind the counter with towels to help clean up the lake of brown mocha and green latte puddling around Kensi. She watched silently as the woman, "Ronnie" as her nametag identified her, began to quickly and efficiently soak up the liquid on the floor.

Glancing over at Justin Griffin, who was looking at her worriedly, Kensi met his eyes and watched with interest as he averted his gaze from her, his blush of embarrassment deepening at Ronnie's words and he knelt down and silently helped her with the clean up. Those few minutes gave Kensi the time she needed to focus her thoughts and decide on a course of action.

Being surprised and a little unsettled was part of her job, part of what she'd been trained for. She'd felt an initial flare of apprehension, thinking back to the suitcases full of clothes at the house, the clothes that helped define who Angela Coleman was. Kensi knew the clothes were only a small touch of what made an undercover alias believable. But they were an important part. No cover could be sold completely without the whole package being believed. And Kensi, out for a jog in simple exercise clothes that probably fit her more than they did Angela Coleman in all her career woman, independent record label businesswoman glory, had to switch gears quickly to her alias.

Studying Justin out of the corner of her eye as she tried to blot some of the liquid from her clothes, Kensi realized he wasn't quite what she'd expected. Former Marines usually carried themselves a certain way. Once a Marine, always a Marine. There was usually that confidence, that knowledge that they could take on the world and were the best at what they did.

But then she'd also seen the effects of Marines nearly broken by the experience of combat. The results of PTSD could be as different person to person as fingerprints were. Crouched to clean up the flood, Justin seemed to almost recede inward, his posture stooped as though he were attempting to take up as little space as possible. But as he stood to his full height, dwarfing Kensi and Ronnie the barista, Kensi saw a hint of the ingrained strength present in every Marine.

He tried to hide it, keeping his eyes downcast and away, but Kensi also saw the calculation in his gaze. He looked around, sweeping the room and cataloguing the exits and the safest places in the room. It was typical soldier behavior to be prepared, but also typical PTSD behavior to always be on the look out for an attack, to always be on alert and ready to move.

"I really am sorry, ma'am, I'll pay to have your clothes cleaned—"

Griffin's voice was surprisingly soft as he apologized. And Kensi watched him as he spoke to her, watched as his eyes were on Ronnie, not on her. And Kensi pressed her lips together to hide her smile, seeing the entreaty on his face, understanding that his embarrassment had very little to do with her.

Swinging her curious gaze towards Ronnie, Kensi took in the young barista quickly, making the conclusions and assessments that were a part of her job. Late twenties, short and spiky red hair which, based on her pale complexion, was her natural hair color. Brown eyes behind clunky glasses, average height, curvy in that way that was bound to draw appreciative male attention. A nose ring and a tattoo on her inner wrist completed the package that hinted at something of a rebel. But then Ronnie gave Kensi an apologetic smile, pulling her back towards the counter, and Kensi concluded the young barista couldn't be entirely rough around the edges.

"You had a green tea soy latte and a triple espresso caramel mocha, right? Let me get those started for you."

"And they're on me," Justin said promptly from Kensi's left where he'd followed the two women, looking at Kensi nervously.

"That's really not necessary—" Kensi started.

"Yes, it is," Justin replied, his tone allowing no further argument. From behind the counter, Ronnie rolled her eyes, her smile toning the gesture down to merely teasing.

"It really isn't, Justin. I can make the drinks again, no problem. You don't have to worry about paying for them. We sort of have a spillage drink replacement policy here anyway. If you can't make it away from the premises without dropping your drink then we'll make it again."

Kensi smiled at Ronnie, unable to discern if the barista was speaking the truth or making up the so-called policy just to make Griffin feel better. Either way it seemed to work, with Justin visibly relaxing. There was something there, something flirty but also sweetly caring, between the cheerful barista and the damaged Marine. Kensi filed the thought away, knowing it could come in handy later. Justin glanced at Kensi, shifting from one foot to the other nervously.

"It looks like you jogged here? Please let me give you a ride home," Justin said, the pleading in his voice pulling at Kensi. He seemed so worried about having insulted her, or having Ronnie see him as treating her badly, if his repeated glances at the young woman were any indication. And Kensi knew that Griffin was a murder suspect. Deeks would go through the roof if he knew she'd accepted a ride from him. But she didn't really see any way around it at this stage. Not if she wanted to establish something of a rapport with the Griffin rather than make him increasingly agitated around her later when he showed up to fix their house and came face to face with her again.

Keeping that in mind, Kensi smiled and nodded, accepting the offer. This was part of what they did, encountering the unexpected during a mission and changing it around to suit what they needed it to. Disadvantages could be turned on their head.

"That would be nice, thanks. My husband and I are new to town so I was just jogging in the area and saw this cute café," Kensi said as Ronnie returned with two fresh cups of hot drinks to go.

"Well, coffee spilled down your front notwithstanding, we are a very welcoming community," Ronnie said with a wink at Justin. As the man winced Ronnie reached out and gave him a gentle shove in the shoulder. "Relax, Justin! She's not the coffee police! Accidents happen, stop beating yourself up."

Although her tone had started out teasing, by the end there'd been a hint of soft seriousness. And Kensi saw the concern in Ronnie's eyes as she looked at Justin, which he missed since he was looking away with embarrassment. There was an undercurrent of caring in the young woman's eyes, as if she were more than just casually interested. Kensi thought back to the moment when Griffin had collided with her, examined every second and moment up to the impact. And she remembered then that there had been a loud crash just the few seconds before as one of the waiters dropped an empty tray on the floor.

It had seemed completely innocuous at the time, but now, looking back, Kensi had to wonder if the sound had startled Griffin, had triggered a memory from combat. It wouldn't have been hard to mistake the clattering of the tray for weapon's fire. Far away and long ago weapons fire from a memory, but still real in Justin's head. And it explained how he might have momentarily lost his bearings on his surroundings and run unto her. And somehow, if Ronnie's response and obvious efforts to smooth things over and calm Justin were examined closer, the young woman knew something of his condition. And she cared enough to look out for him. Ronnie turned back to Kensi, curiosity in her eyes.

"You're new to town? I hope you like the coffee and come back soon. I'm Ronnie, and in addition to serving kick ass coffee we also offer some nice musical events here weekly, including performances by yours truly, and your coffee assaulter here, Justin."

Kensi couldn't help but smile, shaking Ronnie's hand. "I'm Angela. My husband Chris and I live a couple blocks away and we're coffee addicts so I'm sure we'll be back." Kensi's eyes were drawn to the tattoo on the young woman's wrist and she turned Ronnie's hand outward to get a better look. "What are those? Musical notes?"

With a wide smile, Ronnie nodded. "The opening notes to 'Love Me Do' by The Beatles. Also known as America's introduction to rock and roll. I do Beatles covers for my music." She shrugged. "Not original, I know. But why mess with the greats?"

Kensi smiled in agreement, thinking back to the music her father used to play. He'd loved the early rock and roll music, too. She realized after a second lost in thought that she was supposed to be CEO of a small music label. And this was the perfect opening.

"My husband is a musician, too. In fact, I'm starting up a new independent record label here on the west coast and I'm looking for new talent. Do you have any recorded material?" Kensi asked. Ronnie's eyes widened and she looked briefly at Justin, as if looking to him for the answers.

"I really just play live music, mostly covers. I've never recorded anything. But you should hear Justin, he's really good!"

"Ronnie—"

"No, seriously. Come back on Friday night. We'll both be playing. But you need to hear Justin."

Kensi could only smile and nod at Ronnie's obvious enthusiasm for Justin's musical talent. Finally though, the coffee was ready and she followed Griffin to his car, noting it was the same vehicle Eric had spotted on the traffic cameras coming into and heading out of Los Angeles around the time of Callahan's murder.

Giving Griffin the address to the house on Magnolia Street, Kensi watched him as he drove casually down the road, the noisy coffee house receding behind them, his shoulders visibly relaxing as they fell into silence. It didn't surprise her that Justin didn't do well in small spaces or places crowded with people. That was an unfortunate side effect for many soldiers suffering from PTSD. What surprised her was that he'd made an obvious effort to be there in the first place, was clearly well known there as a regular. She had a feeling it had more than a little to do with Ronnie.

A flash of metal caught her eye and Kensi glanced at the rear view mirror, seeing a ball chain swinging with the movement of the car. But it was the flat metal rectangles, rounded on the edges, on the chain that caught her eye. Dog tags.

Kensi glanced over at Griffin, seeing that he'd caught her staring at the tags. Feeling as though she had to say something otherwise the silence would be uncomfortable, Kensi reached forward to lightly touch the tags.

"You served?"

"Yeah, three tours with the Corps in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of those is mine, the other belonged to my buddy."

Kensi turned the tags over, knowing the name she would find on the one tag not belonging to Griffin. Carlos Ramirez, the Navy Corpsman killed during combat. The man Griffin had tried and failed to save. She couldn't help the sympathy the reared up as she glanced back at Griffin. "He didn't make it back?"

Griffin shook his head once, the gesture firm and final. He was silent for another minute, then spoke quietly. "Who did you lose?"

Startled, Kensi turned wide eyes to Griffin, her words tumbling. "Wh-what?"

"You lost someone. I can tell." Griffin was matter-of-fact, his assessment as solid as her conclusion of him as a Marine had been. Kensi struggled for a few seconds, trying to decide whether to deflect and maintain Angela Coleman's cover, which could also raise Griffin's suspicions, or invent a new facet to her alias' history. In the end she went with her instincts, not entirely sure if she'd made the right decision.

"I was engaged to a Marine. His name was Jack and he served until 2004. He came back different and could never quite regain who he was. He left."

Kensi could practically visualize the disapproval on Deeks' face she would see later for crossing the lines of her personal history with their undercover operation. But as she saw the understanding shift in Griffin's eyes as he recognized a kindred soul wounded by war and loss, she held on to the hope that maybe this new connection would actually help their assignment.

Turning the corner onto Magnolia Street, Kensi saw that the movers had arrived earlier than expected. Deeks was probably not pleased she hadn't reappeared yet. Passing the house and coming to a halt around the corner since the moving vans occupied the front sidewalk, Justin looked up and down the street and frowned. Kensi adopted an oblivious expression, knowing that he was probably trying to place why the street seemed familiar. And they were familiar because he had an appointment to come by the next day for a renovation estimate. Not that Angela Coleman would have made that connection yet.

Kensi thought about letting him just drop her off and renewing the burgeoning relationship the next day. But coincidences weren't really something she believed in. Crossing Justin's path might turn out to be a tricky wrinkle in their undercover operation but it might also be an opportunity.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, this just seems familiar to me. You just moved here?"

Kensi laughed, getting out of the car and gesturing for him to join her. "Chris and I just moved into town. Come meet him. He'd love to get to know another musician in town. The house is a mess and it looks like the movers just got here with all our stuff. We're supposed to have someone come look at the house tomorrow for an estimate on work. And wow, does it need it."

Griffin had been following her up the walk and he paused on the stoop as she opened the door, recognition dawning.

"I'm the someone coming to look at your house tomorrow," he said dumbly. Kensi fixed him with a suitably confused stare. "That's what I do for work. Handyman repair stuff. I knew your address sounded familiar."

"What a funny coincidence!" Kensi laughed easily, ushering him into the house. "Maybe you can take a quick look now and you'll have a head start on tomorrow then. Chris, honey!"

Kensi kept her voice friendly but loud as she called for Deeks, using his cover name. The last thing they needed was for him to unthinkingly round a corner saying her real name while their suspect stood right there.

She heard the quick trot of steps as Deeks came from the back of the house, initially looking a little frazzled and annoyed, but then his expression fell on her standing next to the familiar face from their case file and he showed the barest hint of surprise before melting into a charming and friendly smile.

It was casual, but Kensi noticed the way Deeks' gaze swept over her from head to toe. She saw the pause in the path his eyes took as he noted the damp coffee stain on her clothes and the brief furrowing of his brow as he clearly wondered what had happened.

He took it in stride though, not acting overly concerned or worried. He acted as Chris Coleman might, happy to see his wife again and more than a little tactile as he put an arm around her shoulders and leaned over to kiss the side of her face before extending a hand to Justin.

"Hey, I'm Chris, Angela's husband. Did you save her from her klutzy self?" Deeks asked, his grin widening as he winked at Kensi and shook Justin's hand. Mouth gaping open, Kensi poked him indignantly in the side.

"That's rich, coming from you! How many boxes have you dropped trying to 'help' the movers?"

"Actually it was me—"

Interrupting Justin's attempt to explain how he'd been the one to crash into Kensi, Deeks turned towards Kensi, that grin on his face turning teasing.

"Not a single one. I'll have you know I've unloaded about a third of the boxes and all have escaped any kind of breakage or damage."

Crossing her arms over her chest, Kensi's eyes narrowed, even as her heart rate picked up, as she stood a little taller. This was them, that teasing dance that was full of spontaneity as they worked together. They could be any people, any time. And they didn't have to think about making it seem natural and real because it already was.

"That's probably because you took all the lightweight boxes labeled as sheets, blankets, and pillows. Because you're weak."

Mimicking her posture and stance, Deeks stood to his full height, managing to annoyingly tower over her and she knew he would. "Strategy in unloading the least heavy boxes is strength of mind and cunning, sweetness."

Kensi internally grimaced at the pet name, the one Deeks tended to pull out to rankle her. Even as it bothered her, she had to hand it to him, responding with that quick mind and sharp reflexes. The crack at his strength had been a hollow one, which they both knew. As much as she, Callen, and Sam might tease Deeks about how fragile he was, Kensi knew he was quicker and tougher than most men. In actual physical strength he could take her, as much as she hated to admit it. He spent hours paddling out on the ocean and although working out at the gym wasn't a favorite pastime, there was no way he could have the muscles and build he did without putting in the time with weights and strength training.

Even still, it was the game. It was the Kensi-and-Deeks game for her to tease him about being a wuss and it was his fallback to go along with it while teasing her about her clumsiness. Neither of them really deserved the labels, but it was an easy way to sell their cover. It was fun, it was flirty, and Kensi wondered how she could ever give their interplay up. But, remembering Hetty's offer and the decision she and Deeks needed to make about their long term partnership, she knew it was something she might very well have to eventually keep as a memory and not as something to look forward to in the future.

She could remember this scenario playing out dozens of times before under any number of covers they had been trying to sell. The ease and chemistry between her and Deeks was one of the strongest selling points of their four person OSP team. Even Callen could grudgingly admit that they pulled off the cover of a couple, whether it was a newly in-love couple, a fighting couple, or happily and comfortably together couple, in a way that made selling any operation natural and unquestionable.

And natural was exactly what a cover needed. The second they stood out the operation was over. Natural was easy for Kensi and Deeks. It was easy to pretend to be in love, to pretend to fight, to pretend to be the committed couple when they already were. And they were in love and they certainly knew how to fight. What had been feared by many, including Callen and Hetty, to be a weakness really was a strength. And with a pang she had to quickly shove away, Kensi had to admit that if things changed and they were no longer partners, she would miss this. But she couldn't miss it right now. Not when they had a cover to sell.

Although she might have enjoyed rising to the occasion and taking the bait of argument Deeks had so tantalizingly offered her, Kensi merely smiled sweetly, stepping up on her sneakered tiptoes to gently kiss Deeks' cheek.

"Whatever you say, honey."

She saw the light of surprise in Deeks' eyes at her seemingly quick giving in, but Kensi turned her attention back to Justin, who had been watching them with curiosity. The goal was to appear to be a normal and happy couple in front of their suspect. The look on Justin's face, slightly amused but not at all suspicious, told her they'd succeeded. And now they needed to work towards the next step of trying to complete their assignment. They needed to get close to Justin and determine his involvement in the murders of at least half a dozen Marines.

"Chris, this is Justin. We ran into each other at the coffee shop when I dropped my coffee. He was kind enough to offer me a ride home," Kensi said, smoothly passing over the details of how Justin had spilled coffee on her. Justin seemed to hesitate as he nodded at Deeks and Kensi saw he wanted to correct her. It was an interesting detail. Justin Griffin didn't like to lie. Not even a lie of omission. "As it turns out, Justin is the contractor who is coming to look at the house tomorrow."

Adopting the proper amount of surprise, Deeks smiled at Justin. "I love small towns. Where else could that kind of thing happen?" Deeks swept an arm around, gesturing towards the back rooms of the house. "It's a bit hectic right now with the movers, but take a look around if you want."

Justin nodded, then turned towards the kitchen, Kensi and Deeks following behind. Kensi let Deeks take the lead on describing the work in the kitchen. She didn't particularly care since it wouldn't be a house they would be living in long, and nobody could keep a discussion going quite like Deeks could.

Taking notes as they went, Justin nodded as Deeks talked about wood for the cabinets and paint for the walls, as well as updating the plumbing in the house. They were about to turn towards the bedrooms when a normally welcome voice made Kensi's heart drop to her stomach.

"Hey guys! The movers get here early?"

Kensi whirled around to the front door, eyes widening as Cody entered the house, his large frame blocking the sunlight from outside as he paused in the doorway.

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_To be continued_


	11. Chapter 11

**Note: **Thank you for the wonderful support and encouragement. Whether you read, favorite, alert, or review it's nice to see the interest in the story. Thanks to beta extraoridinaire **MioneAlterEgo** for helping steer me in the right direction. As always, thanks for reading and reviewing if you do! And Happy Holidays!

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Glancing back towards Deeks and Justin Kensi hoped that maybe they'd been far enough away and Justin hadn't seen Cody. She realized very quickly the foolishness of her hope as Justin glanced from Cody to Kensi, his eyes lit with curiosity at the familiar manner in which Cody had entered the house.

Cody was supposed to be their surveillance support. The plan had been for him to occupy a boat in the marina and keep an eye on what Kensi and Deeks couldn't. Cody's contact with Angela and Chris Coleman was supposed to be completely unnoticed, but Kensi knew the plan would have to change once again now that Justin had seen him.

For their parts, Deeks and Cody reacted without a hitch or recognition of how things weren't going quite according to plan. That was in large part because they'd learned to work back up plans into their covers. And back up plans of the back up plans. Kensi let Cody take the lead, let him determine what his cover would now be. And she waited for his cue on how he would fit into the Coleman's lives.

"I'm Cody, Chris' brother. Are you a neighbor of Chris and Angela's?"

As Deeks explained the circumstances of their meeting, Kensi watched Justin closely, seeing as awareness passed through his eyes. If she hadn't known about Griffin's past she probably wouldn't have immediately picked up on it. Aside from the PTSD, Griffin was a Marine. Most Marines could tell when they'd met another Marine. And Justin knew almost on sight that Cody was a Marine.

Where Griffin might have been trying to hide that he was a former Marine, there was no way Cody could hide it, not since he was on the spot having entered the house without knowing their suspect was there with them. Given time to prepare, even a few extra seconds, Cody would have been able to take on almost any cover. Kensi mentally kicked herself, wishing things hadn't gone down the unexpected path they had. And she worried about how they would have to alter their aliases now that Griffin thought Angela had a former fiancé who had been a Marine, and a brother-in-law who had served. It created challenges they didn't really need.

Kensi watched the three men talk and tried not to worry. Justin didn't seem particularly guarded with Cody, which meant he wasn't entirely put off by being confronted with someone who shared a link to his painful past. And he didn't seem to question Cody and Deeks as brothers. It wasn't hard to imagine. Although there weren't many physical similarities beyond height, they shared an open and friendly personality. And Deeks fell smoothly into the role of his alias having a brother.

After introductions, Deeks proceeded to take Justin towards the rear of the house and Cody stayed back with Kensi, retreating to the kitchen for a whispered conversation.

"What the hell, Kensi? What is he doing here?" Cody asked hurriedly. Kensi waved the words away.

"I ran into him at the coffee shop. There was spilled coffee and it just happened. I had it under control. What are you doing here?"

If Cody heard the accusation in her voice, he ignored it. "I got here this morning and set up in the boat in the marina. We agreed I would come to the house, remember? I wasn't expecting our suspect to be in the house chatting with you guys, alright?"

Realizing Justin had parked around the corner and Cody hadn't seen his car, Kensi sighed and nodded. And they had planned to convene that day to go over their strategy and plans for contact. It was just unexpected bad luck.

"He knows you're a Marine," Kensi whispered. Cody nodded once.

"Yeah, I picked up on that. And he seems to be trying to hide that he is."

Kensi paused. "I think he's ashamed of his past. Or at least avoiding it."

Cody rubbed a hand worriedly over his jaw, his eyes shifting towards the back of the house, then back to her. "So now we've got three of us exposed to Griffin. The play was originally for Deeks to get close to him. We may need to re-think that."

Kensi nodded quickly, realizing Cody was suggesting it might be a better fit for him or for her to try and connect with Griffin. Although Cody's direct involvement was unplanned, it did give them more options. They needed to try and determine how Griffin was involved in the murders and what part he'd played. Not to mention if he was working with someone and if there were plans for more murders. And there was now the added complexity of Angela Coleman's fictitious fiancé to factor in.

Hearing Deeks' easy laughter, Kensi looked towards the back of the house as he and Justin returned to the kitchen. She read Deeks' face and saw no signs of unease or stress. But then she knew he was very good at hiding his true emotions while undercover. Even from her.

"Thanks for the look around. I'll bring some price lists and samples tomorrow for you guys to look at. That way I should have a better idea of the overall estimate and we can get started sooner."

Kensi watched as Cody and Deeks traded a barely concealed glance, and then Cody offered to show Justin out of the house to his car. Turning to Deeks, he nodded towards the back bedroom. Following him, Kensi entered the bedroom and Deeks closed the door. Feeling the dampness of her clothes, Kensi began searching through the boxes and bags labeled "Angela – Wardrobe" to look for something more comfortable and dry to wear. Stripping down to her underwear, Kensi listened as Deeks filled her in on his conversation with Justin. It all sounded fairly normal and mundane at first.

"He was friendly, definitely a bit reserved and holding back. But he seemed to ease into talking about the house. I talked a little about Chris' music background but he didn't really bite." Deeks paused, catching her attention. "There was one thing that seemed to get him interested."

Cinching the tie on the waist of the loose pants she'd pulled on, Kensi turned to her hair, sweeping it up in a ponytail as she turned to look at Deeks curiously, sensing the hesitation in his voice. It was the strange look of almost regret that filled his eyes as he looked at her that had her turning her full attention to him.

"What got him interested?"

Deeks took a deep breath, his jaw clenching before he released a low sigh.

"You."

Kensi froze under the wave of surprise that swept over her, reaching back to hold the door handle for support. Deeks didn't have to say it but she knew when he said "interested" that he suspected Griffin had more than a casual platonic interest in her. She bought a few more seconds when Cody lightly tapped on the door and she let him in, closing the door behind him. She could hear the movers still unloading boxes and furniture but they kept their voices low.

She watched the infuriating way Cody and Deeks traded knowing glances, then looked at her almost in unison. Clutching at her last hope, Kensi turned to Cody.

"Marty seems to think Griffin is interested in me. But you didn't get that sense, did you?" Kensi asked, unable to keep the hope from her voice.

"He's definitely interested in you particularly. What the depth of that interest is, I don't know." Cody hedged. Realizing a more specific answer was needed, he smiled sympathetically at Kensi. "Do I think he's romantically into you? I think there's a strong possibility, yes. And that may be the most effective, fast play we have."

Kensi shook her head swiftly. "I don't think that's it. He seems to have a thing for the barista at the coffee shop." She sighed, knowing her next words were going to bring on a barrage of questions and unhappiness from the two most important men in her life. "It probably has more to do with what I told him, that Angela had a fiancé who was a Marine, and that he left her."

There was a beat of shocked silence, and then Cody was the first to jump in.

"Kensi, are you kidding me? Why would you tell him that? That was not a part of the plan," Cody asked, his tone accusing. Deeks stayed silent, his worry pulsing strongly through his measured gaze on her, blue eyes turned a pale gray.

Feeling defensive and knowing she had little room to argue, even as it had seemed like a good idea at the time, Kensi shrugged helplessly. "It just happened, okay? I didn't mean for it to, but it's the situation we have to deal with now."

Further elaborating, Kensi explained about how she'd seen the dog tags and what she'd told Griffin. Deeks continued to stay quiet as Cody nodded slowly. "It sounds like I need to touch bases with Eric, get him to alter our aliases. Angela needs a former fiancé named Jack, and Chris Coleman needs a brother named Cody. Just to make this a little more connected, can we agree that Jack and Cody served together, and maybe that's how Angela and Chris met?"

Trading an affirmative glance with Deeks, Kensi agreed with a nod of her head. She thought regretfully of the simple boy-meets-girl background story she and Deeks had invented for Angela and Chris, now in need of a complete re-write. And the history of Angela Coleman's lost fiancé, very close to home, inserted a wedge of discomfort between Kensi and Deeks.

They'd been together as partners for five years and she'd never really told him about Jack. He knew the bare minimum of details, but the story of Jack was one she'd kept resolutely to herself. Even she could admit she'd intentionally never told Deeks about Jack. There was weakness and shame, regret and heartbreak that she preferred not to put a voice to. She couldn't help but wonder about how that might create problems between them now. The fact that he didn't know something important about her history wouldn't sit well with him.

"I'm going back to the marina. I'll check in with you guys once everything is settled."

Kensi nodded numbly, then turned away from Deeks and Cody, moving to stand at the window and look outside. She heard the bedroom door open and close as Cody left, felt the shiver of the physical distance between her and Deeks. Turning around, Kensi leaned back against the window sill, crossing her arms over her chest. She'd seen it in his eyes, the touch of anxiety covered with disapproval. Gesturing with her palm help upwards, Kensi released a sigh.

"Go ahead. I know you want to say it."

She'd tried to keep her tone measured, but even she could hear the annoyance in her voice. Deeks looked at her pointedly.

"You don't get to do that."

"Do what?"

"Evade responsibility and taking away my right to be pissed by 'allowing' me to say what you know I'm justified in saying."

Unable to push back the flare of irritation, Kensi straightened her back and lifted her chin defiantly. She knew she should stop, should have copped to being in the wrong. But she couldn't stop herself.

"Your 'right to be pissed'? What gives you that right?"

"You let things get out of hand. Whatever happened at the coffee shop, it shouldn't have continued with you bringing him here. You're not thinking straight. And I'm not sure if it's because of what's going on with us and our partnership changing, or your history with Jack. But you need to figure out if you're on top of whatever is going on in your head," Deeks said evenly. Kensi resisted the urge to physically reel back, his words almost a slap.

It was the look in his eyes that gentled the reprimand in his tone. And it was the realization, deep in the pit of her stomach, that he was right. And it was also his next words, a calm in the storm of her swirling emotions, that anchored her.

"And I do have every right. I'm your partner. I'm your best friend. I'm your fiancé and I'm going to be your husband soon. If I didn't get pissed then there's something wrong between us," Deeks paused, softening his tone. "And I think you know I'm right and you don't know what to make of all this and what you're going through."

Just as quickly, her anger cooled. She nodded once, the only acknowledgement she felt safe in giving him right then. The words to try and explain were lodged in her throat, uncertainty making her turn away and back towards the window to look outside.

Kensi felt the warmth of Deeks as he came up behind her, one arm going around her waist, the other loosely around her neck. She lowered her chin to rest on his forearm and closed her eyes at the prickle of his scruff as he rubbed his jaw against her neck. He softened the scrape of his beard with his lips lightly kissing the side of her neck and jaw, finishing at her ear and with a final kiss to her temple.

His voice was a murmur in her ear. "And it probably goes without saying I'm not overly thrilled at the prospect of watching you put the moves on our target."

Trying to ignore the unwelcome hollow feeling in her chest, brought on by the uncomfortable realization that there were still secrets between her and Deeks, and further magnified by her own feelings of weakness as a result of her admission to Griffin about Jack, Kensi sighed and closed her eyes. Deeks wasn't pushing her to talk about Jack and she wondered if maybe that was part of the problem. He wasn't shy about pressing her when he thought she was holding back. But even he hesitated to push her too far and he'd stopped short of forcing her to open up. And Jack had long been categorized as a subject they didn't discuss.

Not to mention there was the discomforting notion that she might have to attempt to get close to Griffin, might have to try and win him over, by turning on the more base physical tools at her disposal. Her stomach flipped unhappily. Seduction was a tactic she'd had to use before. But it was never one she was entirely comfortable with.

She felt the forgiveness in his touch, even while this was a part of their jobs they'd talked about in the past as not something they needed to forgive each other for. Sometimes she had to seduce targets, sometimes he did. It had never gone past the flirting, touching, and occasional kisses phase, but it still held the slight sting of betrayal. Inventing romantic attachment was sometimes part of their jobs and it was a weapon they'd both used before they'd known each other and in the years of their partnership. Not that knowing that made it easier for either of them to bear.

Feelings of territorial jealousy had existed before they became a couple. It had actually become easier to tolerate after they crossed the line as more than partners. Knowing and trusting the depth of their emotions for each other took away the question of how important they were to each other, took away the unknown. But it didn't erase it altogether. She couldn't not care when a mark ran her hands over Deeks' arms and shoulders, couldn't not care when he turned that charming smile on a responsive woman. Just as she knew, despite how he tried to hide it, how it bothered Deeks when a suspect put his hands on her.

"We don't really know Griffin is interested in Angela, not like that. You didn't see him with this woman at the coffee shop, Ronnie. She's invested and interested and he seemed to reciprocate," Kensi said quietly.

"Maybe. And I could be wrong. Maybe he recognizes something in you because you know what it's like to lose someone as a casualty of war. His interest is subtle but it's definitely there. And I think he'll warm up to you the easiest and fastest. And you know we have to get to the bottom of this before another murder happens," Deeks reminded her gently.

Kensi stamped down her annoyance, both at Deeks and at herself. He didn't have to remind her they had a job that had to come before her emotions. She was grasping at straws, hoping she wouldn't have to fake a seduction of Griffin, and she knew it was for selfish reasons. She didn't want to do it, in large part because of Deeks. And he was giving her all the acceptance and understanding she didn't want. He was making it easier for her and that almost irritated her more than if he had been angry and jealous.

"So, Angela and Chris Coleman are no longer the happy couple," Kensi said softly. Deeks' arms around her tightened and Kensi lifted her hands to rest over his arm around her waist. She looked down, the sunlight filtering through her engagement ring and winking brightly at her. Her heart clenched and she suddenly and irrationally wished she wasn't wearing her engagement ring, wasn't wearing the ring Deeks had given her. Even more she wished she wasn't wearing her wedding ring, the one that she as Kensi Blye suddenly felt like an imposter for wearing. She vehemently wanted to separate what Angela Coleman might have to do from what Kensi Blye wanted to do.

Because while Angela Coleman might have to gain Justin Griffin's trust, might have to manipulate and twist his emotions as part of a game to get close, it was a game that was all of a sudden more exhausting than Kensi wanted to admit to. And she hadn't really considered the emotional toll brought on by introducing her history with Jack as part of her alias. He would always be a part of her past, would always bear some responsibility for who she had become. But he was also a painful facet of her life she kept tucked away.

"Are we going to talk about this?" Deeks asked quietly, his breath fanning across her ear. Kensi felt the stubborn surge of objection from within. And she knew they should be able to talk about anything, should be able to face their problems and their pasts together.

But this undercover had quickly become more complicated than anything they'd prepared for. Deeks had seemingly made peace with the demon of his father and his memories of a childhood altered forever. Although he put on a good front, Kensi really wondered if he was as reconciled as he appeared.

The shadow of Jack was Kensi's own weight to bear. And even with Deeks' question, with his understanding voice and comforting arms, she found herself reluctant to discuss Jack. And she wished she knew why. Jack truly was a ghost of her past. Even as she told herself that what she and Deeks had was stronger than that fractured past, there was a stirring of unease heavy at the back of her mind.

"Not now," Kensi replied softly, deflecting and knowing without turning around that there would be a flash of disappointment crossing Deeks' face even as he kept his arms tight around her. His solid strength was probably more than she deserved. But it wasn't enough to make her ready to talk about Jack, ready to admit her mistakes, failures, and regrets.

Even after five years of trust and partnership with Deeks retreating still felt like a safe haven, even as it was a weak alternative to the truth.

With Deeks warm and reassuring behind her, Kensi wondered at how much they could take. Both him as her partner and fiancé, and them as a couple. They were strong-willed people, but also equally strong in the depth of their emotions for each other. Strength, both together and separately, had never been their problem.

But everyone had his or her breaking point.

* * *

_To be continued_


	12. Chapter 12

**Note: **Apologies for the delay. Holidays, family time, horrible cold, distracted with another little Densi story writing ("Little Wonders" - complete and recently posted) slowed me down a bit. A huge thank you for reading, alerting, favoriting, and reviewing. I appreciate when anyone takes the time to do any of the above :) And thanks to **MioneAlterEgo** for catching my mistakes, including the comma splices! Thanks for reading, and reviewing if you do! I hope you enjoy.

* * *

"I don't know what you're getting so mad at me for."

"I just want you to pick up after yourself, stop leaving things all over the house. There's enough clutter since we just moved here."

"Hey, it was your idea to pick up and move out here, start a whole new life. Not mine."

"Chris, you know this move is for both of us. For the new record label. For your music."

"I don't like how you leave me out of decisions."

"I didn't leave you out of the decision to move here! How can you say that? We discussed it, you agreed it would be a good move."

"For your career. And now you're busy setting up meetings and getting new clients. But what about my career, my music?"

"I don't know what you want me to say. You know I started this company in large part for you. And now it feels like you're blaming me."

"Stop making me the bad guy holding you back. I'm not blaming you. I just—I need some air."

And with that parting shot, voice raised high in frustration and anger, Chris left Angela Coleman in their bedroom, the front door slamming loudly with emphasis. Kensi watched him go, trying not to flinch at the sound of the solid wood door hitting the frame, shaking the wall.

She failed at the effort, feeling how her shoulders shook for a second, then hunched in a kind of worried shame she hated feeling. Kensi took several deep breaths, knowing she needed to shake the anxious feeling, the very real, uneasy feeling, stirring in her gut. The sound of a motorcycle engine pierced the morning air, then receded as Deeks rode off.

The whole fight had been planned, down to what Angela and Chris would fight about, and when the fight would take place. It was Wednesday now, three days after their initial encounter with their murder suspect, Justin Griffin. And it had been three days of both agents, together and separately, trying to determine the best way to get close to Justin without alerting him to their efforts.

Justin hadn't taken to Chris Coleman. Although Deeks tried to drum up their shared interest in music, Griffin wasn't biting. He was professional and responded to questions, even polite conversation. But Kensi and Deeks could both tell Griffin was keeping his distance from Chris. It would have been hard for Deeks to ultimately gain Justin's trust, a wrinkle in their original plan they hadn't been able to predict.

As it turned out, it made Kensi's accidental connection with Justin when they met all important to solving their case. Neither Deeks nor Cody had conceded the point and she hadn't triumphantly pointed it out. Gloating about it wouldn't fly since it had never been her intention to share her history of Jack with their suspect. Besides, Kensi saw the concerned way Deeks watched her. The hesitated worry furrowed his brow and made him cautious around her.

And Kensi hated it. But she'd practically made him react that way, had certainly invited his concern. She knew he was just worried and wasn't pushing her since she had rebuffed his earlier effort to get her to open up about Jack. She'd made a mess of things and they didn't have the luxury of time or privacy to figure personal matters out between them. They only had Angela and Chris Coleman and their marital problems.

Keeping that in mind, Kensi worked up some all too easy to muster tears in her eyes and exited the bedroom, heading for the kitchen where she knew Justin was. He'd worked the last few days on prepping the other rooms for new carpeting and painting and now he was taking measurements for the kitchen cabinets. It was a painstaking job and one that he'd been at all morning. Which meant he'd overheard the argument, which had been the intention all along.

Deeks would be heading down to the marina now, to the boat where Cody was holed up conducting surveillance. It would give her some time to talk with Justin, maybe try and get him to open up. She'd spent a few hours already with Justin, in between her fake phone calls, pretending that Angela was setting up meetings with clients and arranging possible record deals. And even Kensi could see that Justin responded differently to her than he did to anyone else. Cody had been by the house one other time while Justin was there and hadn't been able to draw the younger man out.

But with Angela, he seemed to relax, seemed to sense a kindred spirit in her. Kensi didn't sense romantic feelings. But she couldn't deny that Justin had some kind of affection for her. And it was an emotion she had to use to their advantage.

Entering the kitchen, Kensi looked down and smiled at Oscar, Justin's large German Shepard dog. Oscar sat patiently on the floor, his stance always protecting Justin's back, a well-chewed rawhide bone resting on his legs. His tail wagged hopefully as he saw Kensi and she leaned down, rubbing Oscar's ears.

Hearing Oscar's hopeful whine, Justin turned around quickly, relaxing only when he saw it was Kensi. Pushing the pencil in his hand behind his ear, Justin gestured to the dog. "I can leave him outside or at home if it's a problem having him here."

Kensi shook her head at the offer, the third time Justin had made it. Initially she'd practically insisted Justin bring the dog with him to the house. On Monday, while Justin was at the Colemans' working on an estimate, Cody had ventured to Griffin's house, hoping to place some bugs and do a little poking around. Oscar had proved to be a formidable guard dog and Cody had barely escaped without needing stitches.

Tuesday, Justin brought Oscar to the Colemans' house and when Cody returned to Griffin's house he'd found a construction crew in the street beginning a major re-paving job that would last more than a week. It would have been noticed for him to break into the house in broad daylight. Frustrated, Cody had relayed that they'd missed their opportunity and would need to find another time when Justin and Oscar would be out of the house.

Kensi occupied herself with stroking Oscar's head, then reached up for a glass, pouring some water to drink. She sighed quietly, but not so quietly that Justin wouldn't notice. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him glance at her, then back to his measurements. After another few seconds he finally spoke up.

"You okay?"

It was barely a question, but from Justin, it was a major opening.

"I just don't know why Chris can't seem to adjust to life here. He seems so unhappy and I can't figure out why," Kensi replied, using the story she and Deeks had come up with. Martial conflict for the Colemans was founded in his being unhappy to have left their east coast roots to follow Angela's dream.

"Maybe California just doesn't suit him. But he seems to like surfing well enough and it's hard to find many better places on the west coast than right here for that," Justin replied carefully. Kensi winced, knowing that was a slight hiccup in their plan. Deeks' open personality had initially been the key they would use to reel Justin in. And Deeks, as well as Chris Coleman, as the happy surfer didn't mesh quite as well now that the plan had changed to Chris as the displaced, frustrated musician.

"All Chris' family is back east. I know it was a big upheaval for him," Kensi replied, making excuses to see if Justin would come to her defense, or Chris'.

"It doesn't really make it right, him talking to you like that. You're just looking out for him," Justin replied quietly. He glanced at Kensi, and then swore quietly, an apology in his eyes. "I'm sorry, it isn't right for me to say that. It's none of my business."

Sliding against the edge of the counter closer to Justin, Kensi gave him a forgiving smile. "No, it's okay. I know on the surface Chris and I seem like an unlikely match. Everyone always thought so."

Justin glanced at her curiously. "Then how did you guys meet, get together?"

Sensing an opening, Kensi gentled her voice. "Cody, Chris' brother? Served with my fiancé, Jack. After Jack left Cody would come by and check on me, see how I was doing. And once he brought Chris with him. I'd been in such a haze of heartbreak, Chris was like the sun breaking through the fog. He just brightened my whole world, shook me loose and brought me back to life. He made me see that I had a life worth living."

Kensi kept a soft smile on her face, the words not a lie. Although she'd been long past the immediate aftermath of Jack's abandonment when she met Deeks, his affect on her life had been exactly as she described.

Justin's eyebrows were knit together, thoughtful questions in his eyes. "Your fiancé, Jack? What happened to him over there?"

Kensi heard the hesitation in Justin's voice, knew that he worried about prying. And she had to be careful in her answer, not sharing too much and not seeming overly eager to discuss a painful remnant of her past.

"I don't really know all the details. Jack never told me and I never pushed him. He served one tour and was medically discharged. He had physical injuries but those healed. He was on lots of medication, you know, for the PTSD, but he didn't always take the medication and he didn't always go see his doctor. And the VA wasn't always good about following up with him," Kensi replied. Justin nodded in agreement.

"I know what that's like. It took years for them to discharge me. And I had this great doctor in Los Angeles, but then when I moved it was like starting over to get my medications and doctor's visits up here," Justin replied, frustration leaching into his words. But the anger melted away as he looked at Oscar, giving the dog a quick pat on the head. "But I got Oscar here from Paws for Purple Hearts before the VA discontinued the program for PTSD patients, so at least that's something."

Kensi kept her surprise to herself, internally claiming a victory that Justin had practically admitted he did have PTSD. He'd danced around the subject with her for days but never outright confirmed it. It felt like a good step forward in gaining his trust if he was willing to talk to her about something so private, something he clearly kept to himself.

"Jack was so volatile after he got back, nothing like the easygoing guy he was before his tour. It made me wonder what he saw, made me want to understand what made him that way," Kensi said, watching Justin for his reaction, hoping he would open up about his experience.

"You shouldn't take it personally. The things soldiers see over there are unlike anything anyone here can imagine. Coming back, with the world the same after you've had everything you thought you knew about who you are and what you're capable of turned upside down, it's easy to feel as if you are going insane."

Justin paused, making a few more measurements and markings before he spoke again. "Did he ever hurt you? Physically?"

There was more to his question than simple concern. Kensi heard it, the slight note of fear, of perhaps being worried of a similar fate for himself.

"No, he never hurt me physically. I know it worried him that he would. He never said anything about it. But I think that's part of why he left," Kensi said, easily remembering the heartbreak she'd felt at the realization that the man she'd loved, who she'd thought could never strike her, feared he would do just that. Her heart had broken for Jack, and for herself.

"I get that. I wonder that sometimes," Justin said, the naked fear obvious in his green eyes. He sighed, his posture slouching, as he seemed to realize how his words had sounded. "I mean, I know anything is possible. PTSD affects people in all sorts of different ways. But I can't imagine hurting anyone. It's the last thing I'd want to do."

Kensi laid a reassuring hand on Justin's arm, all the while picturing the crime scene photos from Lieutenant Colonel Jason Callahan's murder. The vicious brutality, the obvious rage associated with the murder seemed so contrary to the young man before her. She knew it was very possible he'd committed the murder, or had been directly involved. But it was hard for her to reconcile the possibility that he'd been so violent.

"Are you still getting the help you need? I'm sure you saw a lot too, during your time over there. And you mentioned your friend who was killed. That had to be hard to bear," Kensi offered as an opening. She had to be so careful in how she pushed. Never too hard or she would scare him away. Never too softly otherwise he wouldn't trust her.

"Still is. It's a struggle each day. But yeah, I'm getting the treatment I need, and then some. Some days are better than others though. Being busy helps. Oscar helps. Playing my music helps," Justin looked off in the distance for a moment, his eyes turning soft. "Certain people help."

Kensi had been momentarily distracted by Justin's _and then some_ offhand comment, but she put that aside, focusing on his last words. "'Certain people'? One of those certain people might not be a particular redheaded barista, would they?"

Justin's grin was quick and shy and Kensi felt her heart tug at the sight. He was really so young, but so touched and hurt by war. But then there was an occasional flicker of the handsome, sensitive man she'd come to realize he was. And in those moments it was impossible for her to imagine him as a murderer, let alone a serial killer.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Justin deflected, turning back to his measurements. Kensi laughed brightly, knowing she wouldn't get any further in trying to get Justin to open up about his PTSD during that conversation.

"You can keep singing that song but your eyes give you away, Justin. Besides, I'll see for myself when I see you two in action on Friday," Kensi replied archly. Justin's hopeful smile made her stomach flip. He had so few close friends. And somehow he'd easily latched on to her.

"You're coming to the show on Friday? Really?"

"Of course! Ronnie emphasized the importance of my attendance yesterday when I stopped in the café. And she may have mentioned something about a Justin/Ronnie duet," Kensi replied pointedly. Justin blushed and looked away.

"It's not going to be much. Don't get your hopes up."

His face buried back in his measurements and notes, Kensi stayed silent, feeling that worried hope that they had been wrong. All the evidence pointed to him being involved in the murders. But her heart told her different even as her head objected. Justin certainly had problems. But she couldn't quite believe he'd been involved in willfully hurting anyone.

Even as she recognized she wasn't looking at things as clearly as she could, she couldn't stop herself from hoping. Turning away, Kensi allowed one last look at Justin before she returned to her fake undercover office for another feigned conference call. She whispered the words to herself, a quiet confession.

"Too late."

* * *

Leaving the Coleman house on Magnolia Street, Deeks heard the slamming of the door behind him and wished he could ignore the immediate wave of shame that followed it. Voices yelling, doors slamming, it was all a little familiar and a little too close to his childhood. It didn't help, being in Half Moon Bay, being where he first remembered seeing his parents fight and his father hit his mother.

Almost thirty years had passed, but the memory was still as clear as if it had happened the day before. Deeks knew rationally that he had a lifetime of experience since that time and that even as his memory seemed clear, his emotions colored the past.

Shoving the thoughts and feelings aside, Deeks straddled Chris Coleman's motorcycle, using a calculated haste to pull the helmet on, turn the ignition, and speed away from the house. After the volume of the argument inside the house, to anyone watching it wouldn't fit if he leisurely rode off. And for the conversation she was about to have, Kensi was counting on Justin watching.

A few streets away from Magnolia, Deeks slowed the speed of the motorcycle, checked to make sure nobody was following him, then turned north along the coast towards the marina. The motorcycle had been Hetty's idea as befitting the backstopping of Chris Coleman as a creative, slightly untamed musician. Deeks remembered how Kensi's eyes had danced when she saw him sitting on the bike, leather jacket and helmet completing the look. He hadn't seen that look in her eyes for several days.

Parking in the lot of the marina, Deeks wove his way over the wooden docks, finding the boat Cody was holed up in. The marina held several hundred boats of all varieties from fishing to recreational. The boat Eric had procured for Cody was small, with cabin below and enough room to hide the surveillance equipment Cody was using to monitor the undercover.

Deeks shivered as the wind blew through his hair, the late spring morning air still carrying a bite to it. The northern California coast was definitely colder than southern California. He knocked on the cabin door four times, stepping back as Cody opened it and ushered him inside.

Deeks followed Cody down, stooping low since the ceiling of the cabin apparently hadn't been made for people taller than six feet. And he grinned in amusement at the sight of Cody, his large frame seemingly compressed in the small space. Cody gave him a quick smile, belying the discomfort he probably felt having been cooped up for the last three days.

Deeks helped himself to a bottle of water, gesturing towards his undercover brother. "You know, most guys take the opportunity of being undercover to let things go a little. Stop shaving, not shower, take a break on the exercising."

His jaw smooth and his clothes immaculate as ever, Cody glanced over at the free weights towards the back of the cabin, then shook his head at Deeks just once. "Marine."

Deeks chuckled, knowing that to Cody that was all the answer that was required. "You doing all right down here, man? Eric couldn't have found a bigger boat?"

Cody shrugged. "It was all a little last minute. It's no big deal. I've been in worse places for far longer."

Nodding, Deeks didn't ask Cody to elaborate. Cody had seen years of intense combat with the Marine Special Operations Command in Iraq and Afghanistan, much of which he couldn't even talk about. Deeks could only imagine the kinds of places and hardships he'd experienced. And yet, Deeks looked at the man who was currently his undercover brother and the closest thing Deeks knew to an actual brother, he'd somehow managed to emerge whole and well adjusted.

"Why does it happen to some soldiers and not others? PTSD?" Deeks blurted out. Cody looked up at the query, his mind plainly focused on his surveillance mission. But he must have seen something in Deeks' face that left him concerned, because Cody allowed himself to be distracted, turning away from his computer screen, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms.

"I don't think anyone really knows. It has nothing to do with being weak or strong, physically or mentally. I'm not even sure anyone can be mentally prepared for what they see in combat," Cody replied quietly, the brief dark shadow over his eyes one of the only clear signs Deeks had ever seen of how deeply Cody had been affected by war. "And PTSD doesn't just come from combat. Cops suffer from it. People in any number of traumatic situations will show the same symptoms as soldiers in combat. You can't blame people for responding as they do."

Cody was distracted momentarily by the audio coming in through his headphones from the Coleman house and he turned to listen, focused away from Deeks for a few minutes. When Cody pulled the headphones down around his neck, his brown eyes flashed with a cross between concern and triumph.

"Kensi's doing well with Griffin. She's winning his trust, relating to him. He just told her some details about his PTSD treatment. And he seems to like her," Cody paused. "I don't think he's romantically interested in her. We don't have to go there."

Deeks leaned against the cabin wall, nodding silently. He knew Cody was trying to be reassuring. It was a small comfort that Kensi wouldn't have to attempt to seduce Justin. But there was still the emotional toll of what she was doing. Both on dredging up her past with Jack, and on her unwillingness to discuss that past with him.

"I'm worried, Cody," Deeks admitted. That caught the other man's attention as Cody leaned forward, concern tightening his jaw.

"Now I'm worried because you wouldn't say that unless there was something to be worried about," Cody replied. Deeks took a deep breath, a part of him knowing he should be having the conversation he was having with Cody with Kensi. But this was difficult, unsteady ground. And he didn't know how to approach her. But Cody, having known Kensi back before she was with Jack, might have some answers.

"She's relating to Justin, seeing what he's had to deal with, and she's getting closer to him, gaining his trust. That's all good. But I'm worried that she's not seeing the situation clearly, like her past with Jack might be allowing her to overlook things with Justin," Deeks shook his head. "Getting emotionally invested in a target is what gets you hurt in this job."

When Deeks looked over at Cody, the man's gaze was steady. And Deeks knew that Cody was balancing a fine line. He was an agent with a job to do, a brother protective of his sister, and a friend who wanted to be supportive. "You should be having this conversation with Kensi."

Deeks shrugged helplessly. "You think I don't know that? I tried a few days ago, but she doesn't want to talk about it."

"Try again."

"It's not that simple, Cody," Deeks snapped, his eyes flashing. Cody stared back, unflinching. "It's the one thing we've never talked about. It's the one thing that has always been between us. I thought maybe we could just ignore it, like it would never come up."

"Clearly you were wrong about that," Cody said bluntly. Deeks ignored the flash of annoyance, knowing Cody was just pointing out the very things he didn't want to think about. As much as it might aggravate Deeks, he was being a good friend by doing just that.

"Look," Cody sighed, running a hand over the short stubble of his hair. "I can't tell you much about Kensi and Jack. I never met the guy. I was overseas when they met and they weren't together long before he was shipped out. And the whole situation with him returning and then leaving her happened around the time I was injured. I don't remember much from that time."

Deeks nodded, knowing he'd hoped Cody would have some insight that would help him. It hadn't been fair to expect and hope. But he was desperately searching for a way to reach Kensi.

"You know Kensi is the closest thing to a sister I'll ever have. I wouldn't hesitate to steamroll anyone who tried to hurt her," Cody said evenly, the absolute conviction evident in his voice. "And the truth is, if I ever see Jack in person he and I are going to have a long conversation out in a dark alley somewhere."

Surprised at the cold certainty in Cody's voice, Deeks looked up at Cody in shock. "I thought you couldn't blame people for responding how they do when they have PTSD?"

"I wouldn't blame someone for suffering from PTSD. But if someone is suffering, or making the people around them suffer, they need to get help. And it isn't a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card. You don't get a pass on breaking your fiancée's heart or killing people because you have PTSD," Cody replied firmly.

Deeks was quiet for another few minutes, digesting Cody's words. It was a complicated operation for all of them. They all came to the assignment with past history unusually tied in with what they were trying to accomplish.

"Don't get me wrong, Deeks. Kensi is an amazing woman. Who she is now is a testament to the hell and loss she had to deal with at a very young age. But I remember Kensi as a teenager, before she lost her dad, and I can see what she's had to endure and how it has shaped her. I can see where some people's actions have made it harder for her. And there isn't much that gets me mad, but that does it," Cody admitted. Deeks smiled, realizing Cody thought this was a kind of weakness.

"She's better now, better since having you in her life. There are missing years for Kensi and me, years that we weren't in touch that I'll always wish we had back. But nothing has ever comforted me more than meeting you and knowing you were there for her during a lot of that time," Cody finished, the gratitude plain in his eyes. Deeks nodded wordlessly, knowing he didn't have the right vocal response to such appreciation.

Deeks didn't have the view that Cody did, didn't have the memory of Kensi before she'd met Jack and before she'd been nearly broken by his abandonment. But he did remember the woman he'd met years later, more than a little defensive and hell bent on keeping him at arm's distance. She hadn't wanted to get close to him, hadn't wanted to be charmed by him or won over by his persistence as her friend and partner.

He hadn't even set out to fall in love with Kensi. At first it had seemed just a monumental achievement to win her trust, to be the person she looked at to cover her back. Eventually that hadn't been enough and he'd hungered and needed more. Even if she hadn't known it at the time, he knew that he understood her better than anyone else ever could. His persistence with Kensi, and his unflagging fulfillment of her trust that he would always be there for her, not to mention a run in with dangerous bank robbers, had sealed their partnership as so much more.

Even Deeks could see how much Kensi had changed in the five years of their partnership. Which was why the fact that she was more closed off from him than ever before worried him. They'd always moved forward, moved towards being more open. Watching her recede and internalize were steps backward.

"Do we need reinforcements?" Cody asked. Deeks thought for a moment, not wanting to involve Callen and Sam. They were on the other side of the country, investigating the other suspicious murders to see if they could track down a pattern that either led them firmly to Griffin, or to whoever he was working with. And Kensi would be furious at the suggestion that she was too emotionally invested.

"I don't know. Let's give it another couple of days and see how things go," Deeks replied, tabling the decision for now. Cody nodded, though Deeks could see the reluctance furrowing his brow. Cody wasn't used to stepping back and letting things work out on their own; he definitely preferred to attack problems head on.

Gesturing towards the cabin packed full of monitors and various recording equipment, Deeks changed the subject. "How are things going with gathering intel on Griffin?"

"I've got a tracker on his car and everything from when he's been at the Coleman house. I can't get into his house and that's eating at me. The guy is pretty regular with his schedule, going home each night and staying in. Is there going to be any kind of opportunity where he and that dog won't be there at night?"

"Actually, yeah. Friday night. He's going to be at the café at this Open Mike Night event performing. It's a pet friendly place so it wouldn't surprise me if he brought Oscar with him," Deeks paused, the idea forming in his mind. "Kensi is planning to go. Maybe she can keep him occupied and you and I can get into Griffin's house."

"Won't it look strange if Angela Coleman is showing up places without her husband?"

Deeks shook his head reluctantly. "Not really, at least not while Angela and Chris are going through this rough patch."

Shrugging a shoulder, Cody nodded in agreement. His eyes lit up and he rubbed his hands together. "Finally we can maybe get some real information on this guy. I wouldn't mind getting in his car, too. See if we find any remaining physical evidence from when he drove to L.A. for Callahan's murder."

"Any word from Callen and Sam about the other possible murders? Or from Nell and Eric about a connection, or who else might be involved?" Deeks asked.

"Not yet. We're all supposed to check in tomorrow afternoon. You and Kensi should come by in the afternoon and we'll all get on the teleconference with OSP," Cody suggested, his face lighting with a smile. "And then we can get some lunch at the Half Moon Bay Brewery. Awesome crab sandwich."

Deeks chuckled softly, appreciating that Cody was making some attempts to distract him. As if sensing his lingering discomfort, Cody stood and laid a hand on Deeks' shoulder, squeezing in sympathy.

"We'll get through this. You and Kensi will get through this. Try not to worry so much."

Despite Cody's attempt at support, Deeks couldn't ignore the uncertainty that had settled like an uncomfortable weight in his stomach. But he nodded anyway, keeping his quiet words to himself after Cody turned away.

"Too late."

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_To be continued_


	13. Chapter 13

**Note: **Thank you for the reviews, alerts, and favorites! I appreciate them very much and they are a great motivation. I got a little distracted with writing a shorter story but I'm back at this one now! My deepest thanks to **MioneAlterEgo **for the beta read and the always incredible support. I couldn't write this without her! Well, I might be able to, but it would have a lot more mistakes and issues. Thank you for reading, and reviewing if you do!

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One day later, Kensi sat on the back patio of the house, enjoying the crisp morning air and warming sun as she worked away on her laptop. From the outside it looked like Angela Coleman was hard at work on a marketing strategy for her record company, but really Kensi was finishing up a report on her interactions with Justin Griffin the day before. Justin was on a supply run, gone to retrieve the materials needed to install the new tile in the kitchen and bathroom, while Deeks had left for a morning surf a few hours ago.

Kensi paused in her typing, reading her last sentence again and nearly cringing at the clinical language that even she could tell was dancing around the subject of her emotional entanglement with Justin. She sighed, knowing that Hetty would see right through what she wasn't saying, if she didn't already suspect. But doggedly turning back, Kensi continued on, knowing that if she didn't email in her report before she and Deeks left to go to meet Cody in an hour for the mission update, that it would be the first thing Hetty asked about.

After another half hour tidying up her report, Kensi finished, encrypting the document and email before she sent it to NCIS. She leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes against the brilliant sunlight, letting the sounds of the ocean and the light breeze wash over her.

She smiled to herself, thinking how she actually missed surfing. She hadn't started off loving to surf but seeing it through Deeks' eyes, and enjoying it as something they did together, she'd come to appreciate it nearly as much as he did. On top of everything else he brought to her life, it was something else he'd given her. That peace out on the water, and the feeling of exhilaration and accomplishment that pulsed through her when she stood up on a surfboard to ride a wave to shore, was impossible to capture in another way.

The creak of the rusty metal hinge of the gate along the side of the yard had Kensi sitting up quickly, realizing she'd nearly dozed off. On guard, but taking pains to look unperturbed in case it was Justin returning, Kensi looked at the shadow moving towards her, realizing by the shape it was Deeks carrying his surfboard. She relaxed, waiting as Deeks propped his board against the house, then turned towards her. And it was very quickly obvious to her that Deeks was anything but relaxed.

Kensi was on her feet in an instant, padding barefoot across the patio, her eyes searching over Deeks for any obvious signs of injury. He was visibly shaken, his hand trembling as he reached up to rake his wet hair back from his face. When Deeks finally turned towards her she saw the relief in his eyes, how his entire face tensed and then relaxed into a welcome smile as he saw her. It was still a worried smile but Kensi took comfort in seeing it.

As she got close to Deeks his arms widened and reached for her and without thinking Kensi walked into his embrace, her arms going around his shoulders to hold him tight. He was damp against her, the chill of the air having settled into his wetsuit, hair, and the drops of water over his exposed skin.

"I'm just getting you wet," Deeks murmured in her ear, trying to pull back from her. Kensi tightened her arms around his neck, resolutely refusing to let him go. The tightening of his arms around her waist was like a relieved embrace. Kensi felt a twinge of unease, knowing that although he seemed physically fine, something had rocked Deeks to the core. And it took a lot to really shake Deeks.

Trying to give him some time to collect himself, Kensi held him close for another few moments before she leaned back a little, cupping her hands around his neck so that he would look at her. "What happened?"

Deeks looked around carefully and Kensi shook her head silently to confirm Justin wasn't in the house. He paused for another second, his eyes sliding to the left as he sighed. "You're going to think I'm crazy."

At his quiet and uncertain words, Kensi offered a comforting smile. "I kind of already think you are. It's one of the things I like about you. That's not going to change no matter what you tell me. What's going on, Marty?"

"I was finishing up at the beach and walking back on the road a few blocks away, and I looked up and saw this car heading towards me. I looked at the driver and she wasn't looking at me, but I could swear, even with the dirty streaks on the windshield—" Deeks paused, lost back in his memory, then he shook his head and met Kensi's eyes. "I could swear it was my mom."

Kensi's jaw fell open in shock, her eyes widening at the possibility of what Deeks had seen. As if anticipating her questions, Deeks continued. "She didn't seem to see me, didn't pause or slow down. Maybe it's this place, all these memories. And it has been almost twenty years since I last saw her. It couldn't have been her."

Although Deeks seemed to be trying to persuade himself, even his voice lacked conviction. He was uncertain of his own memories and perceptions and Kensi knew that had to be driving him insane. Sometimes their instincts were what saved them with their jobs. Questioning instincts introduced doubt that could eat away as you.

"You don't know for sure. It might have been her. She probably wouldn't have recognized you, would she?" Kensi asked curiously. Deeks shrugged.

"I don't know. She used to say I looked like my dad. From what I remember of him he was shorter and stockier than me. And he had brown hair but I think we have the same eyes, and maybe we have the same face. I actually didn't hit my last growth spurt until after she left. I was a lot shorter then," Deeks replied, his gaze turned inward as he thought back to his teenage years.

"When I was seventeen and she left, one of the last things she said to me was that I was starting to look so much like my father and that was one of the reasons she had to leave. I'd shot him and he'd gone to prison. It was my fault he'd been taken away and she couldn't stand to look at me," Deeks replied woodenly, the memories spilling out.

Kensi felt her heart clench, remembering back to three years earlier when Deeks had told her about how his mother had abandoned him, leaving him to fend for himself because of some twisted commitment she felt to the very man who had abused her for years. Her stomach turned at the thought of how Deeks had been treated by his own flesh and blood. She may have lost her family. But at least she'd known she was loved.

Unable to help herself, Kensi kissed Deeks, her lips warm against his, and then moved to kiss his cheek and forehead. She stroked a hand down to lay her palm against his neck, whispering in his ear. "I don't care who you might look like. You look like you. And I know who you are."

Deeks gathered her close, gratitude in every tightening muscle of his arms around her. He didn't say a word for several minutes, seemingly needing to collect himself against the emotional memories.

"I don't look the same as I did at seventeen. I didn't grow my hair longer until college. And none of this either," Deeks replied, rubbing a hand over his beard. He seemed to gain confidence at the words, needing that separation from the past and who his father had been, even if the physical really had nothing to do with the psychological.

Kensi smiled teasingly. "And you were probably one scrawny teenage boy, no muscle."

Deeks grinned and chuckled, her attempt at humor working. "Yeah, I was all legs and ego. It wasn't until later that I grew into this whole irresistible package."

Kensi laughed in response, unable to really deny she did find him irresistible. And had for nearly five years now. They smiled at each other, enjoying the brief, light moment after several strained days between them. Deeks cleared his throat, some of the insecurity returning to his eyes.

"I got the license plate, so I'll have Eric check it out."

His words were carefully level and Kensi let Deeks pull away from her and watched as he unzipped his wetsuit down to the waist, peeling the arms back and leaving it rolled over as he reached for a towel to dry off. She watched him closely, seeing the control in his casual movements. He might be trying to minimize what he thought he'd seen, but Kensi saw through the act.

"It could be her. Couldn't it?" Kensi asked, knowing that in a way it was unfair to ask, to push, to prod. She had been so resistant to delving into her past relating to Jack with Deeks, but when their positions were reversed she didn't hold back. Kensi rationalized that if he didn't want to answer he would say so. Instead, Deeks turned towards her, and she saw the fear in his eyes. He didn't want the woman he saw to be his mother.

"It could be. Obviously she knows this area since we came here when I was a kid. I don't know why she would come back to the place where the abuse started, but then I never understood her bone-deep commitment to the man that hurt her," Deeks replied darkly, the edge of contempt lacing his words. "And my dad was in Folsom Prison until 1998. For all I know she went to the Sacramento area to be near him until he was killed and then came here. I don't know. Even with all the resources of the LAPD and NCIS I never looked for her."

"Do you wish you had?" Kensi asked softly. The uncertainty gone, Deeks shook his head.

"Not once. There's nothing she could say to make up for how she left. We don't have anything left to say to one another. She was a damaged person and it took me years to understand that I could never change her or save her. Once I realized that it became easier to deal with what happened to me."

She wanted to believe it could be that easy to let go of the past. But there were few forces in life that could affect someone as deeply as parental relationships. And for all he'd become, for all he'd triumphed over in his young life, Kensi couldn't help but think Deeks had to be more affected than he was letting on. He was strong, mentally one of the strongest people she'd ever known. But it would take someone almost able to completely turn their emotions off in order for his words to be true. _It took me years to understand that I could never change her or save her. Once I realized that it became easier to deal with what happened to me._

She couldn't help but relate the words, to think about how she wished she could do the same with her past, and her history with Jack. In some ways she was still back where she'd been when Jack left, barely an adult. She couldn't let go of her past. And even though Deeks was fairly adamant that he had, she wondered if he really did have that kind of clarity.

The harshness and anger of Deeks' tone was countered by the quick kiss he gave her, the warmth of his touch welcome after the several days they'd been pretending to be the slightly estranged Angela and Chris Coleman. His eyes were a light blue as he read the concern on her face. "I'm okay Kens, really. It happened a long time ago."

It was hard to know if Deeks believed what he said, or if he just wanted to believe it was all truly a footnote of his personal history. There wasn't time to push further since they had to leave to head to the marina. Deeks dried off and donned jeans and a t-shirt, joining her to drive the short distance to Cody's boat.

Inside the cabin of the boat the space was slightly cramped, and Deeks took over the videoconference, speaking to Eric about tracing the license plate while Kensi joined Cody in the galley area for a cup of coffee. Cody was watching Deeks from the corner of his eye, concern for his friend knitting his eyebrows together.

"What's going on?"

Kensi paused to glance at Deeks, reasoning that she wasn't spilling secrets by filling Cody in. As one of is best friends Cody had long known about Deeks' history. As she told Cody who Deeks thought he'd seen, she saw the flash of anger in her brother's eyes and she almost smiled. Deeks had so many more defenders and people on his side now than he did years ago. And she knew Cody would do anything to protect Deeks and look out for him. Just as he would her.

"Do you think it could really be her?" Cody asked. Kensi shrugged, the uncertainty making her edgy.

"I suppose it could be. But why would she come back here? To where everything changed for the worse?"

Cody sipped his coffee, his eyes shifting to sad understanding. "People don't always act rationally about those that do them wrong. Psychologically, the abused can attach a strange kind of affection towards their abusers. You know, kind of like Stockholm Syndrome."

Kensi raised an eyebrow at Cody, her voice dry. "Thank you, Dr. Getz."

Cody took the teasing in stride, grinning and winking at Kensi. She shook her head, consistently amazed at how Cody took everything in stride. Very little ever managed to unsettle him. Deeks stood up from laptop and made his way over to them, relief plain on his face. Kensi looked at him expectantly, reaching out to lay a hand on his forearm.

"It wasn't her. Eric pulled up the vehicle information and the owner's driver's license. The woman the car belongs to looks something like my mother so I can see why I might have thought it was her," Deeks released a short laugh of relief. "I think it's this place. My mind is starting to play tricks on me."

Kensi gave Deeks a small smile, his visible relief not really easing her concern. Even if the woman Deeks saw wasn't his mother, he clearly wasn't as at peace with his past as he might like to believe. He wouldn't have been relieved if he had been able to completely separate himself from the past. After all, the opposite emotion from love wasn't anger or even hate—it was indifference. And Deeks was clearly not completely indifferent to his memories of his mother.

"Did you ask Eric to look into finding your mother? Wherever she actually is?" Kensi asked, knowing as soon as Deeks leveled his surprised eyes at her that the question was a mistake.

"Why would I do that? I don't care where she is as long as it's far away from me," Deeks replied coolly. Kensi felt the uncertainty of the ground she was on, knew that suggesting Deeks confront his past wasn't something she could really urge without sounding something like a hypocrite. But looking at Deeks, and seeing that beneath all the strong words there was still some undercurrent of pain, Kensi pressed on. She couldn't stand to see him in pain.

"It just seems like there are some unresolved issues—"

"Leave it alone, Kensi. I don't want to find her. She's not here, that's all that matters."

"But—"

"As soon as you're ready to open up and tell me all about Jack, then you can lecture me about unresolved issues. Until then, I said leave it."

Kensi pressed her lips together, physically holding her reaction back as the cold and angry words stung as if they'd been a slap. She stared back at Deeks, taking a deep breath as she looked into his eyes. It wasn't the flash of anger she saw that shocked her, it was the distance. Rationally she tried to tell herself that he was reacting defensively, not meaning to lash out at her specifically. But that didn't make his response hurt less.

Standing to the side, Cody loudly cleared his throat, trying to break the tension. Kensi looked helplessly at her brother and while there was a tinge of sympathy in his eyes, he didn't offer her any solutions. Besides, she knew what he would say. He would tell her to talk to Deeks, to tell him about Jack. Kensi knew that was exactly what she should do. But admitting her failings wasn't something she had an easy time of.

"We need to get on the line with Ops," Cody said, walking back towards the laptop. The three of them crowded around the screen, Cody between Kensi and Deeks, the split screen showing Hetty, Eric, and Nell on one side, and Sam and Callen on the other side.

"Good to see you guys. Sam, Callen, where are you?" Cody asked curiously. Sam leaned in over Callen's shoulder to speak.

"Marine Corps Air Station in Beaufort, South Carolina. We've been looking into the death of a Major killed during a carjacking gone bad. We just confirmed with the Major's family that his GWOT service coin is missing, like the other murders."

"But he was killed away from his home, away from where he kept his coin collection, right?" Deeks asked. Callen nodded grimly.

"Yes, but it appears that whoever is responsible is persistently collecting these as trophies. The family didn't even notice the coin was missing until we asked. At some point the killer must have broken into the house to get it."

Kensi released a deep breath. "That seems like very focused premeditation."

"Indeed it does, Ms. Blye. It is Mr. Getz's opinion that even with the likelihood of two serial killers working as a team that one of them is more in control, more involved in the planning and execution of the plans," Hetty replied.

"Our findings would seem to support that, Hetty," Callen said, bringing the conversation back to their discussion of the previous murders. "Earlier this week we started in New York City, with the mugging of a retired Second Lieutenant. The police closed the case because they didn't have any leads and it looked like a typical violent street crime. Next we went to Quantico, Virginia. The local coroner ruled the drowning of a Captain as accidental, that he'd slipped and hit his head, then fallen in the pool. A second look by a Navy coroner ruled that death intentional, that the blow on his head came from a blunt weapon. Now we've got the Major here in Beaufort, and we still have a Major General in Fort Worth to check out."

Sam took over, ticking off the different victims. "None of these deaths were initially ruled as premeditated. They were all accidents or wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time crimes. But when you look closer at the victims' daily routines, what their families say, and the missing coins, it's hard not to see there was something very intentional, very planned in their deaths."

"They're all over the place. Scattered everywhere, all different Marine officers. Does anything connect them?" Deeks asked. Nell and Eric shook their heads in unison.

"Other than the missing coins, nothing that we can find. None of them seemed to know any of the other victims. None of them served together. Their service records make it seem completely random. But there are hundreds of variables and with them geographically located all over the country that just adds to the possibilities of what they could have in common," Eric replied, frustration rising in his voice.

Nell put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, knowing how Eric prided himself on being able to find the answers. "We're trying a number of different search patterns. Something will eventually line up."

"Any other possible suspects emerging, other than Griffin?" Cody asked Nell. The intelligence analyst shook her head.

"He's the only one circumstantially linked to two of the six murders we initially identified. We're digging into his electronic footprint, but he looks like less and less of a possibility for involvement in all of the murders." Nell paused, seemingly hesitant to bring up the next part. "And we've got two more possible murders on the west coast."

Sam and Callen groaned in unison and Nell cringed in sympathy, her voice apologetic. "It looks like a First Lieutenant in Portland, Oregon, and a Colonel in Seattle, Washington."

Even over the videoconference screen there was no mistaking the anger that bunched Sam's shoulders. "How the hell did these get missed, too? How many are we up to now?"

"Eight," Kensi said, counting them off in her head.

"Eight Marines murdered and up until a few weeks ago nobody had any idea they might be linked by a possible serial killer?" Sam replied, the disgust creeping into his voice.

"A lot of them were ruled accidental, or they happened to long retired officers and the deaths weren't deemed security threats. It's a big country out there. And there are a lot of former and active duty Marines," Eric tried to explain. Sam looked as though he might argue at reasoning he didn't find acceptable but Hetty held up a hand to stop the heated discussion.

"Ms. Jones is still looking into the two west coast murders. What do we have linking Mr. Griffin to the most recent discoveries?"

Nell looked up from her computer pad. "Griffin is a possibility for the murders in Portland and Seattle. There isn't exactly evidence to say he was actually in either place at the times of those murders, but it's more telling that we can't place him any particular place when they happened. There's no evidence he was in Portland, Seattle, or Half Moon Bay for that matter. But it would be good to have someone go there and look at the evidence in both those cases, talk to the families. The reports we have are a little thin."

"Mr. Hanna, Mr. Callen—"

"We're going to Seattle and Portland after Fort Worth, aren't we?" Callen guessed. Hetty merely smiled, to which Callen and Sam traded glances, Callen giving his partner a pat on the back.

"Cheer up, Sam. We'll get lots of frequent flyer miles."

"Not that I ever get to take a vacation to use them," Sam grumbled. As if she sensed the discussion was veering away from her control, Hetty interrupted.

"And what do we have on our surveillance of Mr. Griffin?" Hetty asked, steering the conversation back towards the undercover aspects of the operation.

Cody and Deeks gave a run down of the past few days of the surveillance and interactions with Griffin. Kensi noted that Deeks was careful not to get too detailed about her interactions with Justin. He simply said they were getting close to their suspect, doing what they could to gain his trust. Even despite their disagreements he was still looking out for her.

Kensi felt the pang of guilt settle in her stomach, reasoning that Deeks' understanding and protective instincts really did go beyond them as partners. And it signaled that his emotional investment in her may have blurred the lines of what was smart when it came to them being partners. He probably should have been the first to report to Hetty that Kensi was maybe a little too close to the situation. But loyalty with Deeks was as normal as breathing.

"We need physical evidence of Griffin's involvement in the murders. We have the opportunity tomorrow night. He'll be out of the house at an open mike night. Kensi can keep an eye on him while Deeks and I break into his house and conduct a search," Cody suggested. "We'll plant bugs if we can, and try and search his car. The car was on the traffic cameras near Callahan's murder in Los Angeles so that's probably the most likely location for any trace of physical evidence."

"Very well, Mr. Keppinger. You and Mr. Deeks may proceed. It is imperative that we determine if there is a pattern to these murders, and Mr. Griffin's involvement."

Kensi's mind wandered at Hetty's words, turning them over and over in her head. There had to be a pattern somewhere. She thought about the random geographic locations. All over the country, in multiple urban cities on every coast, in different states, the murders as varied as could be. No real method to the madness of a possible deranged killer. Or killers.

She felt the cabin of the boat fade away around her, the tunnel vision of her thoughts focusing on what they knew. There had to be a connection, something more tangible than just the missing service coins. Patterns. Eight Marine Corps officers. As Kensi began to count them off in her head, halfway through the ranks the pieces clicked together, her mind rushing with the possibilities and she reached out, one hand gripping Cody's shoulder, the other tightening on Deeks' bicep.

Cody had been in the middle of running through a check up with Eric of the surveillance equipment he planned to try and plant in Griffin's house when Kensi's fingers flexing into his shoulder caused him halt mid-sentence to look back at her.

Seeing the look on her face, which she could only imagine looked like a mix of triumph and apprehension, Cody was quick to turn his attention to her. "Kensi?"

"They're not random. The murders," Kensi replied faintly. At the expectant looks from Cody and Deeks, as well as from the rest of the team staring back at her from the computer screen, Kensi continued. "Eight murders. A Second Lieutenant, a First Lieutenant, a Captain, a Major—"

Quickly catching on, Cody took over for her. "A Lieutenant Colonel, a Colonel, a Brigadier General, and a Major General."

"All but two," Kensi whispered, looking back at Deeks, who stared back at her with a mixture of recognition and dread. Any disagreement between them was forgotten as they reached the conclusion together, their minds working easily and perfectly in sync.

"They're only missing two. A Lieutenant General and a General," Deeks confirmed.

"Eight of ten Marine Corps officers' ranks," Kensi replied, finally turning back to the computer screen to see the grim awareness on Callen and Sam's faces and the slight horror on Eric and Nell's. "It isn't just service coins the killers are collecting. The killers are going after commissioned Marine Corps officers. They're killing one of every kind."

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_To be continued_


	14. Chapter 14

**Note: **If you're still hanging on, thanks for continuing to read. I have the best beta in the world, **MioneAlterEgo,** who read this for me while suffering from food poisoning. Now that's dedication! I hope you enjoy this next chapter and for those of you who are thinking "Come on already! Kensi and Deeks just need to talk about their issues!" All in due time, I promise :) Thanks for reading, and reviewing if you do!

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"Why would he do that, if this is one serial killer behind these murders?" Eric asked in hushed shock. "Or if it's Griffin and somebody else, why would _they_ do that? Choosing one Marine Corps officer per rank as the target? What purpose could it possibly serve?"

Kensi tried to offer Eric a comforting smile over the computer screen, hundreds of miles away but wishing she were surrounded by the whole team for support. Feeling the warmth of Cody next to her, Kensi tried to take some reassurance in having her brother there. Even without the others, she had Cody and she had Deeks. She glanced over at her fiancé and found him watching her, his eyes aware and silent after her recent conclusion that their serial killer suspects were targeting Marine Corps officers. She also thought she saw admiration there and the rush of pleased pride it gave her made her stand a bit taller.

"Nate said that the reason behind the killers' motivations might not become clear until after we catch them," Kensi mused. But she thought about what they knew and released a sigh of frustration. "But this is so calculating, such precise targeting of the victims. It's almost—"

"Psychotic."

At Cody's word, spoken with harshness not typical of him, all eyes on the computer screen shifted to Cody, and Kensi and Deeks exchanged a glance over his head.

"I get that whoever is behind all this this may be suffering from mental instability or some other disorder. Maybe they need help. But feels like more than just a cry for help. This is somebody who likes it. And they're targeting Marine Corps officers. There's a reason behind it and I'd put down money it has something to do with vengeance," Cody finished, his voice controlled while Kensi could see the strain tightening the muscles in his shoulders. As an active duty Marine, some of their cases tended to hit Cody closer to home than others.

"I don't think Justin is that calculating, that psychotic. He's angry about how he was treated when he left active duty and he's frustrated with what his PTSD has done to him that he feels isn't within his control but I don't think he's the kind of person to strike out violently," Kensi replied, trying to choose her words carefully because she could already feel the dubious eyes on her.

"Kensi—" Deeks began, a cautionary note in his tone. Kensi lifted her chin defiantly and fixed her eyes on him, the challenge clear as the look she gave him silenced any continuing words. He was warning her that he thought she might be too close, might not be seeing their suspect clearly.

The silence in the cabin of the boat was heavy with hesitation. Kensi felt her heart pound at how Deeks was so reluctant to confront her. It made her nervous that he wouldn't confront her and dread that he might. She both wanted him to, and worried that he would. He'd never hesitated to push her in the past. But over this one thing, over Justin, Jack, and PTSD, they'd both gotten to used to not challenging each other, to not dealing with the widening space between them. Kensi felt the distance and deep down she knew it wasn't what she wanted. But with each carefully worded criticism that didn't say anything, with each issue unaddressed, traversing the distance became harder to imagine.

"I'm not doing this anymore. Deeks won't say it, but I will," Cody replied, his voice apologetic but firm as he met Kensi's eyes. She saw that whatever he was about to say brought him no pleasure. "Kensi, you're not seeing Griffin clearly. You're too close to this. He's likely to be a dangerous and violent criminal. If he's not, he's deeply troubled and still knows something. And if he is, all while appearing to be this nice guy suffering from PTSD, he's an even bigger sociopath than any of us suspect."

"Cody—"

"No," Kensi cut off Deeks' instant, sharp rebuke to her brother. Deeks had been ready to take Cody to task for his reproach of her. He'd been ready to defend her, no question, no hesitancy. And while part of her appreciated that, even needed him to support her without discernment, there was another part of her that knew she needed him to challenge her. She needed him to be the first one to bring her back into line when she'd strayed away from what she believed and what her years of training told her even as her heart might make her stray.

"Cody's right." Kensi whispered the words, casting her eyes down and away from the computer screen. The long silence that followed became too much to bear and she turned away, unable to take the judgment from her team. They might not have meant it as judgment but she couldn't help but feel it that way.

She heard the conversation continue behind her. Sam and Callen verified their travel schedule for their next stops to follow in the shadow of their serial killers. Hetty assigned Nell and Eric to continue looking into the pattern of the killings based on the new conclusions about how they'd been targeted. And Deeks and Cody verified their plans to break into Griffin's house the next evening. The team began to sign off, one by one, until Kensi heard her name being called. Turning around, she found only Hetty remained on the screen.

"Ms. Blye, a moment?"

A little surprised to realize that Cody and Deeks had left her to talk with Hetty and she was now alone in the cabin of the boat, she took the chair vacated by Cody. Hetty's face filled the screen and she gave Kensi a kind smile.

"How are you, my dear?"

Kensi took a deep breath, ashamed at how she was unable to hide the shudder that followed. She looked away, fixing her gaze on the chipped Formica counter.

"You needn't be so hard on yourself."

Kensi laughed abruptly. "Shouldn't I be? Up until just now neither Cody or Deeks have been. It seems like somebody should be. Especially if I'm making mistakes."

"Being slightly influenced by our pasts and life experiences doesn't mean we are making mistakes, Ms. Blye," Hetty replied softly.

"You're being far too nice considering my judgment may be jeopardizing this case," Kensi replied suspiciously, wondering at Hetty's sympathy.

"Difficult experiences from our pasts are not necessarily weaknesses," Hetty noted. "And you don't need to worry that Mr. Keppinger or Mr. Deeks might have told tales out of turn. They have been decidedly professional and succinct about only the case so far."

Nodding and knowing that neither Deeks or Cody would ever want to effectively sell her out, Kensi could allow feeling grateful she had such loyal men watching her back. Cody might have spoken up a few minutes earlier, but his motivation came from concern, and she knew, his love and anxiety for her. He was protecting her as much as anything. He knew how important doing her job well was to her. And Cody was not the kind of man prone to fear as a guiding force in his actions.

"They are worried for you. As are we all. Which is why I hope you will forgive me my interference," Hetty replied. Narrowing her eyes, Kensi felt apprehension bloom.

"How did you interfere? Hetty?" Kensi pressed as Hetty remained silent, a mysterious smile gracing her face. It was Cody's shout from outside that had Kensi immediately on her feet, climbing from the cabin of the boat and cursing under her breath as she reached for the gun that wasn't at her back.

Her heart racing at the spectrum of violent possibilities that could be happening to her brother and Deeks, Kensi pushed through the cabin door, squinting against the bright California sun as it blinded her view. Staying crouched low and sweeping the area with a quick glance, she exhaled loudly when she saw Cody and Deeks standing on the dock by the boat, safe and unharmed. Both men had grins on their faces, Deeks stood back from Cody, his arms crossed as tilted his head back and he laughed. Cody had his arms full of his wife, her long blond hair swinging around as he lifted Rachel off her feet and spun her around in a circle.

Kensi climbed over the bow of the boat, her heart lifted at the sight of her friend. She smiled, unthinkingly reaching for Deeks' hand. It surprised her when she instantly found it, his palm turned towards her hand as her fingers twined naturally with his. She looked up, meeting Deeks' eyes and finding the gentleness and kindness she'd become so accustomed to and so dependent on shining through his eyes. And her heart twinged at the acceptance in his face. Despite all that she'd refused to tell him, all the distance between them, he still came through. He was still there.

It was the feel of a wet and insistent canine nose, pushed into the hand not held by Deeks that had Kensi turning from Deeks to see Monty at her side. Kensi smiled as Monty's tail immediately began wagging once he had her attention. She hunkered down, Deeks following her, as they rubbed and scratched Monty to the dog's heart's content. Monty's eyes closed and he leaned his head against Kensi's shoulder as she patted his head.

Over her shoulder Kensi heard Rachel laughingly telling her husband to put her down and she glanced over in time to see Cody gently set Rachel on her feet, his arms circling her waist as he stubbornly held her close. And it was how Cody smiled at his wife, his grin wide as his eyes drank her in, seeing only her, that warmed Kensi's heart. Cody didn't do anything small, including how he loved people. Cody had always had a big heart and until Rachel, hadn't met a woman ready to be the focus of such attention and caring. Their meeting had been fraught with high emotions and stress but they'd weathered the storm together, emerging stronger in the end.

She probably should have looked away when Cody kissed Rachel, the depth and strength of his emotions clear in how his hand went to her neck and he caressed her jaw, and in how Rachel visibly melted against her husband. She didn't lower her gaze or glance at him coyly through her lashes. Rachel looked back at Cody, meeting his eyes without blinking and without shyness.

Deeks touched Kensi then, catching her attention with his hand grazing her arm until he took her hand, lifting it to kiss the back of her hand. His distraction worked and Kensi blushed, his tenderness making her almost unbearably speechless. Even when things weren't quite right between them he still loved her. Unconditionally and with eyes wide open.

Kensi finally tore her eyes away from Deeks when Rachel touched her arm, pulling her to her feet and into a tight hug. She hugged Rachel back with equal ferocity. Before Rachel she'd been skeptical of female friendships. But Rachel had been just about the easiest friend Kensi had ever made.

When Rachel loosened her grip, Kensi leaned back, a question in her voice and a query on her lips. "What are you doing here?"

"Hetty sent me," Rachel replied, smiling at Kensi knowingly. Kensi nodded, thinking of Hetty's words. _I hope you will forgive me my interference. _She had her suspicions about how Rachel might "interfere," and that left Kensi both apprehensive and comforted to see her friend.

"Where is Chase?" Cody asked curiously, his face revealing he was anxious for information on his son.

"Your parents are watching him," Rachel assured Cody, then turned to Kensi and Deeks, a sheepish smile on her face. "Diane and Robert came up from La Jolla this morning and are going to stay at your house to watch Chase. I hope that's okay."

Deeks shrugged in easy acceptance and Kensi nodded quickly. She and Deeks had more room than Cody and Rachel did. And Diane and the General often stayed with them at their house in Malibu when they came to Los Angeles.

"Not that we aren't glad to see you—" Deeks said, then continued after Monty barked. "You and Monty both. But what are you doing here?"

Rachel swiveled her eyes to Kensi, and she was silent for a long beat. Rachel chose her words carefully, which Kensi had to push down the irritation at how everyone seemed to be walking on eggshells around her. She had to remind herself that she'd brought it on. And that those being careful around her were only doing so out of caring.

"I'm here for Kensi. Just for a little while. I'll stay off the radar and I'm going back tonight. And I thought maybe Monty would be a welcome distraction," Rachel paused, then turned towards Deeks and Cody. "Why don't you boys go get some food at the brewery and give us girls a chance to talk?"

Although Rachel had phrased her words as a question, there was no mistaking her tone. Knowing his wife well and accustomed to following orders, Cody nodded once, then slung an arm around Deeks' shoulders, his larger body mass propelling Deeks down the dock and closer to the shore before he could protest.

The two men were still within sight but Rachel had already turned back to Kensi, her eyebrows raised in expectation. Kensi guiltily glanced away and down, meeting Monty's hopeful and adoring eyes from where he sat at her feet, his tail wagging once he had her attention.

"You're here for me?" Kensi asked Rachel softly, knowing the answer before her friend had the chance to nod. "Why?"

Rachel's green eyes softened in caring and understanding and she reached out to take Kensi's hand, squeezing softly. "So you'll see that you've more than saved someone who needed you. To tell you about how you did more than you know to help one person suffering from PTSD."

At Kensi's confused gaze, Rachel's eyes warmed further with amusement. "You really don't know, do you? Kensi, it was me. You saved me."

* * *

At the entrance to the outdoor dining area of the Half Moon Bay Brewery, Cody lifted his sunglasses, surveying the empty tables before focusing in on his preferred dining location. Deeks followed willingly, casting a curious glance towards the marina and allowing a last thought towards Kensi and Rachel. He hoped that Rachel might be able to get through the Kensi, might be able to at least crack open the door enough to get a foothold.

Cody tossed Deeks a menu, not bothering to glance at the selections. Deeks looked at the food options without really reading the descriptions, distracted as he tried to further consider how to deal with the widening distance between him and Kensi. There were moments where the distance disappeared, moments where Deeks felt as though he could make Kensi forget what was holding her back. Those moments were what gave him hope. Those moments and now, Rachel.

"Hey, you're back."

Deeks looked up at the female voice, his eyebrows raising in surprise at the young woman who was looking at Cody, a blush coloring her cheeks. Cody smiled back in the friendly way that Cody had, which Deeks observed with interest as the waitress seemed to melt under his grin.

"Kelly, how's it going? You still have those crab cakes I can't get enough of?"

"For you? Of course," Kelly said, her voice clearly indicating Cody could ask her for anything he wanted and she would be happy to oblige. Deeks watched the exchange, halfway amused and halfway annoyed at his friend. This young, twenty-something waitress was clearly flirting with Cody with all of her might and Cody could not have been more oblivious.

"Great. I'll have the crab cakes. And my brother here—" Cody indicated Deeks, keeping up their undercover aliases, who shrugged in ambivalence at the food choices, "—will have the same."

Kelly jotted down their drink orders as well, giving Cody another smile and a wink before she sauntered off, her hips swaying in a way that suggested she expected eyes to be on her. Deeks glanced at Cody and saw how his gaze was settled on the marina and nowhere near the waitress' backside. He snorted a laugh, which caught Cody's attention.

"Sorry, man. I was a millions miles away."

"More like a couple hundred feet away in the marina with your wife. Which is not where Kelly the waitress would like your mind or your eyes to be."

Confused, Cody cocked his head to the side. "What are you talking about?"

"You don't see it? Our waitress has a colossal crush on you. I might even say she has the hots. In a bad way."

The way Cody's eyes widened in surprise had Deeks laughing in amusement, the light feeling welcome after the heaviness of thinking he'd seen his mother earlier in the day, and his continuing disagreements with Kensi. Humor helped with forgetting, however momentary the feeling might be.

"Don't worry, I don't think you got her hopes up too much. You just don't know how to turn off that charm, do you?" Deeks teased. Taking the joke in stride, Cody raised an eyebrow at Deeks.

"You're one to talk. That was the first word mom used to describe you when she told me about meeting you. Charming."

Deeks thought of Diane with a fond smile. Right from the start, Cody's mother had been the kind of warm and accepting woman that he'd always wondered at having for a mother. And she hadn't allowed the difference in genetics keep her from being a mother to Kensi or to him. Unfortunately it didn't wipe away his own history with a mother long gone.

As if he were reading his thoughts, Cody changed subjects bluntly. "Are you thinking about that woman you saw this morning?"

Deeks shrugged, trying not to let his anger flare up at the memories the woman had churned up. "I don't want to, but I can't help it."

"You have unresolved issues with your mother, wherever she is," Cody replied pointedly. Deeks sighed and nodded.

"Yeah, but it doesn't mean I want to find her and talk them out," Deeks paused, searching for the real reason he'd been rattled by seeing a woman who resembled his mother. "It wasn't even seeing her that threw me. It was how seeing her automatically made me think of my father, of all the destruction he left behind. He didn't just take away my childhood. He took away the idea of family."

"You can't let someone who is gone and buried almost two decades ago continue to define you. Family isn't always a specific idea. You've become more than that experience of what happened when you were a little kid," Cody urged, his tone low and sympathetic.

Deeks smiled at Cody, so beyond just a friend. It amazed him how quickly Cody had won him over. Nobody in his and Kensi's line of work trusted easily. It came with the job. But Cody had a way of disregarding the usual rules. Their friendship had started adversarial in a pissing match over Kensi's safety. And now, though he wished he could talk to Kensi about what was bothering him, it was easier in that moment to open up to Cody. There weren't messy emotions involved. And Deeks just wasn't ready to discuss his mother with Kensi. Not until she could open up to him in return. It may not have been fair for him to expect that of her, but he did.

"Why is it that something that happened decades ago with people I haven't seen since I was a teenager is still with me? Why do parents have this impact over us, from across time and space? Unless they're practically perfect, like your parents," Deeks mused. Cody couldn't help the sharp bark of laughter.

"My parents are not perfect, let me set you straight right there. They're good people, but Dad can be overbearing and unforgiving while Mom is sometimes far too forgiving of him and his behavior," Cody paused for a second, a brief shadow passing over his eyes. "After all, it was that combination of intolerance from Dad and passivity from Mom that kept Kensi away for ten years. And I went along with it. So you see, our parents can affect us, even when they're good people."

There was regret in Cody's voice and Deeks could tell it bothered him to think of all the years lost, of how Kensi had been far away and out of touch. It was one way Deeks could put his friend's mind at ease.

"Kensi doesn't blame you or your parents. She knows you're a peacemaker. And she knows you had a duty to your parents and your country. And she has an amazing capacity for forgiveness." Deeks grinned then, knowing her forgiveness wasn't offered to everyone. "At least for the people she loves."

"I think you're the product of the best of your parents. Both the direct and indirect influences," Deeks continued thoughtfully. Cody smiled back, then leaned forward to knowingly look into Deeks' eyes.

"Maybe you're the same, and maybe you're so much more. There's more that defines us than DNA and our parents' behavior. There's your life experiences and choices separate from them. It's a mix of all that."

Troubled and more than a little confused, Deeks shrugged. "Maybe it is. I can't quite remember anything good about my parents."

Cody slumped back in his chair, casually lacing his fingers behind his head. "Right now maybe you can't remember anything redeeming about your parents. And you'll probably never know if your memories are right or not. Until you see your mom again."

Deeks narrowed his eyes at Cody. "You agree with Kensi. I should have Eric try to find her."

Cody shrugged. "Truthfully, I don't know. But I do think you have a lot of questions and it's making you doubt yourself. And I know that's not you."

Silently, Deeks looked back towards the water, trying to allow the light breeze to calm him all while his mind stayed turbulent. Cody was right, in a way. Doubt wasn't something he wore well. And it wasn't something he allowed the rest of the world to see. He certainly felt it, had butted up against enough of the world telling him what he couldn't accomplish to develop a healthy sense of doubt, as well as bullheaded determination. Thinking of Kensi, and how much determination it had taken to win her over at the beginning of their partnership, despite the amount of self-doubt she could instill in even the most confident of men trying to break through her walls, Deeks smiled to himself. His determination had more than paid off with Kensi.

"I should talk to Kensi."

"Yup."

"Even though she won't talk to me?"

"Even though. You know she's worth it."

Deeks grinned, the resolve set in his mind. "Yeah, she is. And sometimes you only get what you give."

Cody leaned forward and gave Deeks a pat on the shoulder. "Yep. I'm glad you agree with me. Saves me from having to knock your heads together or lock you both into a closet somewhere. Good talk, buddy."

Laughing, Deeks shook his head, knowing that Cody's effortless way of bringing Deeks around to the conclusion he'd needed to make hadn't been intentionally orchestrated. It was just his way of helping Deeks work through his issues.

Knowing their food was soon to arrive, Deeks ducked indoors to use the restroom inside the brewery. He washed his hands, the light catching on the metal of his wedding band. Exiting the restroom, Deeks rotated the ring around on his finger, the weight of the metal welcome in a way it wouldn't have been five years ago. Even if it wasn't yet a real and permanent thing, he was ready to take that next committed step with Kensi. And he was determined that they would work past the current hurdles in their relationship, in spite of how they both had been prone to avoiding the conflict.

Pausing at the doorway to the outdoor dining area, Deeks' eyes fell on a young girl sitting behind the cash register and the glass display case with t-shirts, postcards, and glasses bearing the logo and name of the brewery. She was tall and gangly but on the slightly unhealthy and thin side, and even though he couldn't see her face clearly, Deeks would have guessed no more than twelve years of age. She was focused on a thick open book in front of her, colored pencils and drawing paper spread over the glass case where she sat, her dark blonde hair falling in long messy strands over her shoulders.

Curious about someone so young seemingly working at a brewery, Deeks casually walked over, glancing at her drawing, his eyes catching on the grotesque color of her artistry, of her careful sketch of the muscles of a human body. Although the lines were somewhat crude and more like a cartoon than a photograph, Deeks could recognize the skill in her young hands. And he turned his head sideways to read the title of the book she had open, her drawing a recognizable mirror to one in the book.

"_Gray's Anatomy of the Human Body_," Deeks recited, making the girl jump and turn her startled brown eyes to his. "Seems like kind of heavy reading for someone so young."

Sitting back on her stool, the girl blushed furiously, nervously pushing her hair behind her ears as she tried to close the book and cover up her drawing. Deeks saw the sheets of pages underneath revealing half finished math equations and lots of eraser smudges from mistakes. From his right came the voice of Kelly the waitress.

"Hailey, you're doing your homework, right? You know your mom wants you to concentrate on your homework first, then the art stuff," Kelly warned piously. "I know she's not here right now but I said I'd look after you."

"Yeah, I know," Hailey replied softly, making a show of pulling out her math homework and placing it on top of her pile of papers. Kelly gave her a satisfied smile and went off to the kitchen to pick up orders. And Deeks had to smile at how the young girl stuck her tongue out as Kelly walked away, then glanced at Deeks nervously. He held his hands up in surrender.

"I won't say anything," Deeks assured her, then he casually reached out to flip open her book again, looking at her drawing. She'd drawn the underlying musculature of the human body and he couldn't help the surprised question. "Though this seems like pretty dark material for someone in elementary school."

"I'm thirteen, I'm in middle school," Hailey quickly countered, shooting him an annoyed glance.

"Aren't you kind of young to be working somewhere that sells alcohol?" Deeks asked, something in him unable to help being curious and a little concerned.

"I only sit here with the t-shirts, glasses, and stuff. I don't serve alcohol and I don't _technically_ work here. I don't go in the bar and I just sit here and do my homework," Hailey replied defiantly, and in a way that was more than a little rehearsed. Deeks nodded, hiding a smile at her defensive expression, also a little mixed with fear. Hailey was intimidated by adults, even if she didn't want to be.

"Fair enough. So when you're _not_ selling knick knacks you're drawing—" Deeks raised an eyebrow as he flipped through the anatomy book, "—Creepy pictures of corpses, skeletons, and internal organs."

She lifted her chin, and then opened an art history book, flipping through several pages and showing him artistic sketches and drawings of the human form. "Michelangelo studied the anatomy of the human body so he could draw and sculpt it better. He even autopsied bodies when he could have been killed as a heretic for doing it."

Curious about why she was so passionate, and enjoying the unexpected spark of conversation with someone so young but clearly wise beyond her years, Deeks leaned a hip against the glass case.

"Why do autopsies if you're going to draw or sculpt? Why is what's underneath important?"

Hailey looked up at him, the surprise lighting her eyes at his question. Clearly she'd expected him to brush her away, or move on from the topic. Deeks looked back at her, seeing in her someone who was used to being ignored. Or someone who was used to staying hidden. As Hailey shifted on her stool and reached to flip the page of her book to another drawing of the human anatomy, the sleeve of her shift lifted and Deeks caught sight of a bruise on her upper arm. A bruise shaped like fingers that had gripped painfully tight.

Feeling the immediate flare of recognition and anger, Deeks took a deep breath and tried to control his reaction. Hailey was looking at him curiously, tuning in to the shift in him. He relaxed his posture, reasoning that this teenage girl didn't need a stranger making her wary. Especially if, as he suspected, she had a rough home life.

"It's what's deep down that forms how we look on the outside. The size of our bones shows how tall we are, is the foundation for our skulls and our faces. And then it's the muscles under the skin that shape and move underneath. The outside stuff is important, but it's all the other stuff deep down that matters. Michelangelo knew that even if he never drew or sculpted bones and muscle he still needed to know how it all worked. He knew he needed to get down deep, see what people looked like inside in order to understand them on the outside," Hailey continued with a grin, her eyes shining with admiration for an artist dead for more than four hundred years. "And he could have been killed for performing autopsies since the church didn't allow it but he thought it was worth the risk."

Momentarily distracted, Deeks couldn't help but see dichotomy of her words. He knew she was talking about drawing and art and things he knew nothing about. Even at thirteen this girl had more artistic talent in her thumb than he ever would in his whole body. And the truth was, finding out what was deep down in someone was what led to understanding them. It didn't matter if that meant being a better artist or conquering personal past demons. But the risk still had to be taken.

And there was risk in pushing Kensi. Just as there was risk in truly opening up to her about his feelings about his mother. But he reasoned that if they were truly going to move past the issues behind them, they both needed to take that risk. He just had to figure out how to get Kensi to understand that he was worthy of the risk, and that he thought she was equally worthy.

* * *

_To be continued_


	15. Chapter 15

**Note:** Apologies for the delay. Long work weeks and a fickle muse have been conspiring against me. However, good news is I'm making better and more regular progress on the next chapters as this starts to move towards the story's climax. Thanks for the continued support in the reading, favorites, alerts, and reviews! And much thanks to **MioneAlterEgo **who is an aways awesome beta. Thank you for reading, and reviewing if you do!

* * *

"_I _saved _you_?" Kensi asked incredulously. "I don't think I follow."

Rachel smiled, her eyes turning fond as she looked at Kensi. Tugging Kensi by the elbow, Rachel brought her over to sit on the starboard bow of Cody's surveillance boat, their legs dangling over the edge. Monty took a seat next to Kensi, resting his head on his paws. The sun was shining brightly and the breeze off the water was gentle and cool. The perfect spring day. Kensi absently petted Monty's head, looking at Rachel and waiting for her to explain.

Rachel shook her head at how Kensi wasn't catching on. "After we were kidnapped and Nell and I were held captive by Derek Smith and his brother? It was you who rescued me."

"It wasn't just me. Marty, Callen, Sam, Cody-we were all there," Kensi replied. Rachel shot her an exasperated look.

"I'm not talking about the actual rescue. Not that I don't appreciate all the badass federal agents coming to save us. I'm talking about after, when I was a mess and couldn't even manage my job at the law firm."

"It was Cody who really saved you then. You said so yourself," Kensi protested. Rachel put a hand on Kensi's shoulder, shaking gently.

"Yes, Cody was instrumental in my recovery. You can keep trying to say it was other people, but I know it was you, Kensi. You were the one who came to my apartment, wouldn't let me disappear. You made sure I saw a psychologist, you made sure I took my medications," Rachel replied, her voice wavering a little. And when she blinked furiously to keep the tears from falling, Kensi had to take a deep breath. She hated seeing her friend in such pain over memories.

Rachel sniffed loudly, then pointed at Kensi's face with a smile. "See, that look on your face right now? That concentration and dogged persistence? That's Kensi Blye all the way. You can't not try and help the people you care about."

"I'm not as saintly as you make me out to be," Kensi mumbled. Rachel tilted her head to the side.

"Maybe not in general. But you are to me. It's because of you that I didn't stay home stewing in my own spiraling thoughts. You recruited Nell to make sure I got out in the world. And when things went downhill with my job you went to Hetty and got me hired at NCIS. I owe you my entire life and all the people I love because of that. And it's a debt I'll never be able to repay," Rachel replied softly, the fingers of her right hand going to touch the diamond solitaire and wedding ring she wore on her left ring finger.

"You don't owe me anything. I was only doing what a friend would do. What you would probably do if our situations had been reversed."

"I know you think that, Kensi. But what you did went beyond friendship. You recognized what was happening to me before I even realized it. Because of your past experience you saw that I needed help."

Kensi shrugged, not able to argue. It was true that because of Jack she did see the signs of PTSD in others more easily. But that didn't always make her instincts right. It didn't make her reactions without emotion, which could be dangerous. And it didn't always make her react the right way.

"Even if I did, it doesn't mean I'm better able to handle this on a professional level. If I let my feelings from what happened with Jack dictate me then that'll be three times I've done that and it might have led to a terrible outcome," Kensi replied, feeling the ghosts of her past rising up in a way that left her worried.

"Three times?"

"First, with Jack," Kensi counted off. As Rachel went to speak, Kensi cut her off, not really wanting to discuss Jack in any detail. She still wasn't able to unburden her guilt to Rachel. "Second, with Lieutenant Talbot. And now, with Justin Griffin. What does that say about me, that I'm so blindsided by this?"

"It says that you have compassion that many people don't," Rachel soothed. "You have a gift when it comes to PTSD survivors."

"It's a weakness," Kensi said miserably, voicing her disappointment and fear aloud.

"I know you see it that way. And I doubt I can convince you otherwise. But maybe try not to beat yourself up about mistakes of the past. You have good instincts."

"But so do Cody and Marty. And both of them are much more skeptical of Justin Griffin than I am. Maybe they're seeing something I'm not," Kensi challenged. She realized she was more than simply arguing with Rachel. She was trying to convince her friend to see the weaknesses she saw in herself. Because maybe if Rachel saw them then she could give in to this disappointed wave she felt nearly overcoming her. Cody and Deeks already thought she might be too far gone. Why not Rachel, too?

As if she were completely oblivious to Kensi's attempts to push her away, Rachel raised an eyebrow, her mouth twisting into a skeptical frown. "I don't think so. I think they're just seeing something different. And I love Cody to death, but he has blinders on sometimes. Especially when it comes to fellow Marines tarnishing the Corps by turning into criminals."

"You don't know the whole story. Not about Jack. And neither does Marty," Kensi replied stubbornly in a voice that suggested it was a forbidden subject. In a way she wanted to close Rachel off, to try and close herself off to the very person who was trying to help her. Rachel, not to be dissuaded, put an arm around Kensi's shoulders.

"I know I don't. But the past really doesn't matter to me because I know you now. And I'd be happy to hear the whole story if you want to tell me. But I think you need to tell Marty first."

Kensi shook her head resolutely but then started when Rachel spoke her name sharply. "Kensi, stop being so stubborn. You are not alone in this, even if you think you want to be. You need to stop pushing away the one person who will never give up on you. Stop testing him and stop punishing yourself."

Rachel's voice held all the command of a woman used to getting her way as a strong wife and an authoritative mother. And Kensi felt the words hitting close to home, felt the rebuke in Rachel's voice, slightly tinged with anger. She had a decade's worth of regret and doubt telling her otherwise, but Kensi finally felt a sliver of shame that had nothing to do with her past and everything to do with how she was treating the people in her life now. The people who loved her.

It was unfamiliar and painful, but Kensi blinked as her eyes swam with tears and her deep breaths made her voice shake. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I do this—"

"And it doesn't matter, Kensi. I'm your friend. I'll always be your friend. No matter how pig headed you're being," Rachel replied, her arms going around Kensi to hold on tight. Kensi returned the pressure, and then released her grip only to find with some amusement that Rachel kept her arms firmly in place. And whereas Kensi might have been uncomfortable with such gestures several years ago, Rachel's easy and warm acceptance had changed much about how she thought of friendships with women.

"I'll talk to him," Kensi finally said, smiling when Rachel nodded her head, her chin butting against Kensi's shoulder. And then Rachel pulled back, holding up her index finger and looking Kensi in the eye with scrutiny coloring her face and sharpening her gaze. Kensi had to laugh, having seen similar focus on Rachel's face when she was disciplining her son.

"Good, I'm going to hold you to that," Rachel warned lightly. "Don't laugh, I have my ways."

"That she does."

Kensi's laughter bubbled loudly when she turned to see Deeks and Cody had returned, Cody looking knowingly at his wife. Rachel blushed but smiled widely, reaching for Cody's hand. He pulled her against him, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and kissing her on the cheek. Kensi went to stand, looking up to see Deeks held a hand out for her to take. She took it, her attention immediately zeroing in on the paper bag in Deeks' hand, the grease from something delicious spotting the corners. Kensi's nose twitched at the smell of fries and something buttery and she breathed deeply, to which Deeks' lips lifted in amusement.

"Crab cakes and fries," Deeks supplied, tantalizingly shaking the bag in front of her. When she reached for it he held it back slightly from her reach, his eyes twinkling with humor.

"You're a braver man than me, Deeks," Cody commented wryly. Kensi's eyes narrowed and she again reached for the bag, a little surprised when Deeks let her have it. Realizing how hungry she was as she swallowed several fries, crispy and edged with just the right amount of seasoning, Kensi practically buried her nose in the bag.

"I like to make her work for things every now and then," Deeks replied with a cheeky grin. Cody laughed and Kensi shot him a look, her eyes narrowed in annoyance. Unperturbed by her pointed stare, Cody continued to chuckle. But then that was one of the things Kensi loved about Cody. He'd never been intimidated by her. He'd known her since she was a teenager and he treated her as any older brother would a younger sister.

"I'd better get going back to Los Angeles," Rachel said sadly, turning to her husband. Cody hid it well, but Kensi could see how Rachel's announcement was not a welcome one.

"We'd better get back to the house. We have some things to talk about," Kensi replied, glancing over at Deeks. He raised his eyebrows in surprise and Kensi felt her heart pound a little harder. It wasn't much for her to say, but Deeks heard the undercurrent of her words. He'd always been able to read her, intuit the things she sometimes had a hard time saying out loud. And he didn't disappoint, understanding light his eyes and causing him to nod in agreement. They were finally going to discuss the issues creating distance between them.

"Yes, we do," Deeks replied softly, affirming her suggestion.

Kensi hugged Rachel tightly, murmuring words of appreciation in her friend's ear. Rachel's eyes shined with affection when Kensi pulled back and she promised to take Kensi's hug back to Chase. Deeks hugged Rachel, lifting her up off the ground and making her laugh out loud.

"What about Monty?" Kensi asked, looking down at the dog, who whined hopefully upon hearing his name.

"I think you should keep him. Angela and Chris Coleman can have a dog. Maybe you guys went to the pound today, decided you couldn't leave this cute little guy behind," Rachel replied, giving Monty's ears a quick scratch.

Kensi traded glances with Deeks and saw how badly he wanted to take Monty home. Monty might be getting up in years, but Deeks had a special affection for the mutt. She nodded with agreement and after saying final goodbyes to Rachel, Kensi and Deeks returned to their car. In the truck Deeks gave her a disapproving look as she fed Monty a few fries and a little bit of crab cake. Kensi tried not to moan aloud as she took the last few bites of the crab cakes he'd brought her.

"These are incredible," Kensi mumbled, savoring every bite of the crab mixed with spices and fried to perfection.

Deeks was pleased at her appreciation, leaning over to kiss her after she finished chewing. "I thought you would like them. But stop feeding them to my dog. He'll just have gas later."

"Don't you mean 'our' dog? California is a community property state," Kensi remarked. Deeks eyes darkened a little, his gaze turning heated.

"I love it when you talk like a lawyer," he said lowly, leaning over to nuzzle her neck. Kensi laughed, her heart picked up in delighted rhythm.

"Habeas corpus. Substantive consolidation. Exculpatory evidence," Kensi murmured, pitching her voice deep and sultry. Deeks groaned in almost comical pain and Kensi continued as his lips danced over her skin, each kiss coming after another legal phrase. "Capital offense. Declatory judgment. Voir dire."

Deeks was chuckling then, lifting his head to look at her. "Do you even know what those words mean?"

"No, but it still makes you pretty hot, doesn't it?" Kensi replied with an evil grin. Deeks nodded almost a little desperately.

"It really does," he admitted. Deeks crowded her a little and Kensi felt a shiver travel up her back. Privately she loved it when he invaded her space as though it were his home. And he always did it without thought or concern that he wouldn't be welcome. And that equally thrilled her.

Deeks kissed her deeply, pressing her back against the bench seat of the truck. It was awkward but Kensi welcomed his weight, letting her hands drift up his arms to tangle in his hair and hold him against her. Deeks moved to kiss her jaw and just below her ear, leaving her breathless and her lips parted. And then he returned his attention to her mouth, effortlessly slipping his tongue past her lips to caress hers. A wandering hand slid across her stomach, reaching up to palm her breast, his thumb brushing gently but intentionally over the swell as she breathed deeply, inhaling the very air Deeks exhaled against her skin.

It was Monty who reminded them of where they were when he wriggled his head between them, trying to cuddle against Kensi's lap. Deeks gave the dog a reproachful look and Monty looked back with an oblivious and hopeful expression. Shaking his head, Deeks reluctantly pulled away from Kensi, shooting her a look full of promise and intensity.

"Hold that thought until later. I know we have a lot to talk about but I really want to get back to that. Please," Deeks replied, the last word a little strained. Straightening her shirt, Kensi returned his intimate smile. She would look forward to returning to their conversation. But as much as she wouldn't have minded seeing how far things would get in the cab of the truck in broad daylight, it probably wasn't strictly wise.

Deeks settled back into the driver's seat, starting the car and saving a quick glare for Monty, who had moved to crawl halfway into Kensi's lap and looked balefully back at Deeks. They made a quick stop for pet supplies but arrived back at the Coleman's house to find that Justin had returned and was unloading the premade cabinetry for the kitchen.

Monty bounded from the car and Kensi held her breath as he circled around Oscar, Justin's German Shepard, who watched Monty with alert wariness. But she shouldn't have been worried. Monty had a gift for winning anyone over, and that seemed to extend to animals as well when Oscar's tail wagged and the dogs began to playfully chase each other around the yard.

Hearing the noise, Justin came from inside the house, a rarely seen smile gracing his face as he saw Oscar chasing Monty. He caught sight of Kensi and Deeks and the smile was tucked away as he schooled his features, approaching them with an apologetic look on his face.

"Sorry, I got here and you guys weren't here but I figured I'd start to unload the cabinets so I can get started on the work in the kitchen. I know you guys are anxious for the work to be done," Justin said worriedly.

"It's okay, Justin. That's why we gave you a key, so you can work even if we aren't here," Kensi replied kindly. Justin nodded, looking relieved. He glanced at Monty, then back at them curiously.

"You guys decided to get a dog?"

Kensi smiled and reached for Deeks' hand. "It was Chris's idea. And we went to the pound and saw those big, pitiful eyes, just begging to be brought home, and we couldn't resist. Chris picked him out."

"Monty used to be a service dog," Deeks replied, stretching the truth a little since Monty had been in police "service" but was long retired. "And he's a little older but he needs people to take care of him now."

"That's really cool of you, Chris," Justin replied, his voice lightening with surprise and admiration. "Oscar's a service dog too and they need good homes."

Deeks nodded and then bent down as Monty ran up to him, a tennis ball in his mouth. Kensi watched as Justin seemed to look at Deeks with a new kind of respect. Deeks hadn't been able to connect with Justin as Chris, even trying to relate his cover's music background with Justin's interest in music. But she was pleased to see that the simple kindness towards animals might have managed to sway Justin to see Chris in a more favorable light.

Justin continued to unload cabinets, the boxes of wood piling up in the living area near the kitchen. Kensi worked at pretending to do cleaning around the house, keeping an eye on Justin and Deeks. Deeks played with the dogs in the front yard, finally tiring both animals out until they collapsed on the grass, almost immediately curling up together and falling asleep. Entering the house, Deeks looked around at the cabinets, then walked into the kitchen, taking note of the striped down walls.

"You want some help with the cabinets?" Deeks asked casually. "I don't know much about putting them up, but I follow directions well. And this looks like a two man job."

From across the room Kensi held her breath, waiting to see Justin's response. She expected him to turn the offer down but if Deeks managed to also work his way into Justin's trust that would potentially make their entire undercover operation more successful.

"Yeah, that would be great."

Kensi released her breath and continued to clean the windows, pretending to not be listening to the conversation and hanging on every word.

"Let me just change out of these clothes into something I can get dirty," Deeks replied. Justin's response was quick and surprisingly humorous.

"The grass stains and dog prints already on your clothes don't count?"

Out of the corner of her eye Kensi saw as Justin froze, the words seemingly out of his mouth before he'd thought to filter them. And she saw the worry in his every tense muscle. After a week Kensi knew Justin well enough and she knew the behavior of someone suffering from trust issues. Not only did he not trust other people, but Justin didn't trust himself or his reactions. His uncertainty and the way he behaved almost like a beaten animal came out in his body language, crystal clear for her to see.

Kensi could tell that he was terrified he might have stepped over a line with Chris Coleman, might have said something that would have Chris responding angrily, even physically. Justin didn't really know Chris, but he expected that reaction from people. And Kensi considered that more telling and she wondered at the root cause of his fears. It might have been his time served in combat that made him jumpy. Or it might have been due to the influence of someone else. Someone who might have influenced or involved Justin in a murdering spree that had crisscrossed a continent. Strong personalities could easily overcome the mentally weak, and Justin was clearly worried Deeks might be the kind of strong person to react badly to being lightly teased. Instead, Deeks laughed easily, patting Justin on the shoulder.

"Point taken. Let's get started," Deeks said easily, waiting expectantly for direction from Justin. As Justin relaxed, clearly relieved not to have caused an angry response from Chris, he turned away from Deeks and gestured towards the first cabinet.

From the other side of the room Kensi watched the men with satisfaction. Unseen by Justin, Deeks winked at her and she recognized the triumph in his eyes. She knew it bothered Deeks a little that he hadn't been able to gain Justin's confidence, hadn't been able to contribute to their undercover operation in what he felt was an equal way as her partner.

From across the room, Kensi listened as Deeks engaged Justin by asking questions about his dog. Although Justin started off with halting answers, he eventually opened up, the words becoming a sentence, the sentences grouping together to form a conversation. The exchange was punctuated by the whirl of power tools and the occasional order from Justin about cabinet placement. A few hours later Kensi moved to the office, pretending to work as Angela Coleman while writing up a case report to submit to Hetty. Listening to the words she could hear, she had to smile at how Deeks had finally succeeded in bringing up music with Justin.

Deeks had a kind of transparent charm about him. He had the ability to make anyone feel at ease. She knew it was a natural gift because he was able to use it with people in every walk of life, whether he was undercover or not. Even she couldn't always tell the difference when he was honestly interested in talking to someone in normal life or when he was working a case. Deeks enjoyed being around people, enjoyed getting to know them. Just as she knew that using his gift in getting to know people to manipulate a suspect might eventually catch up to him. Because sometimes they had to manipulate people that were at heart good just to get at the information they needed.

Kensi lost track of how much time had passed. It was dark when she ventured out to the kitchen, watching with a smile as Deeks talked about surfing the waves in Half Moon Bay and as Justin listened with interest, his face open and unguarded. Even though it was well past the hours of a normal workday Justin was still there, seemingly content to wile away the hours working rather than go home to an empty house.

Not wanting to interrupt, Kensi backed into the shadows, deciding she would read in bed before going to sleep. And hopefully Deeks would finish and then they could talk and finally get to the bottom of her issues with Jack and Deeks' issues with his mother.

Changing into a camisole and flannel pants, Kensi slipped into bed and opened her book to read. She had no idea how much time had passed when the gentle jostle of the bed roused her from a deep sleep. The room was dark and for an instant Kensi froze, her mind trying to tell her body to react on the offensive. But it was the feel of Deeks, his hands smoothing over her back and his damp hair tickling her neck as he gathered her close to hold her against his chest, that had her relaxing back against the bed and him.

Kensi took a deep breath, the clean scent of Deeks fresh from the shower easing her back towards sleep. It would have been simple to sink back to sleep but Kensi startled a little, her curious mind making her alert. She glanced at the bedside clock, seeing it was after midnight.

"Where's Justin?"

"He left a little while ago. Everything's good, Kens. We're going surfing in the morning."

Kensi felt a surge of pride for her partner. She might have started off as the first to make a connection with Justin but Deeks was persistent and incredibly good at his job. He'd managed to turn Justin around to him and had increased the odds of their mission success. The room was quiet and darkness surrounded them and Kensi lay silently, wanting to get back to the subjects they'd been dancing around for weeks.

"I see what you see in him. It's hard to believe he could be a cold blooded killer."

Kensi's breath caught, feeling relief at the validation his words brought her. If he saw it too, saw that it was hard to imagine Justin as a killer, then perhaps she wasn't as weakened by her past as she feared.

"One way or the other we have to find out," Kensi murmured in response. Deeks nodded, his lips grazing against her shoulder.

"And we will. Tomorrow when Cody and I break into his house hopefully we'll find evidence to clear him. Or connect him to whoever is committing these murders."

Kensi nodded, feeling relief at his words. Even though he'd never given her any indication that he'd lost faith in her abilities, she'd had doubts about herself. But once again they were back in step, back together, and facing their case as partners.

Several minutes passed and Kensi found she was wide awake, sleep elusive now that she had Deeks all to herself. And they had so much to talk about. Even though they'd been around each other almost every day all day for the last week Kensi suddenly found herself wanting to talk, wanting to open up to Deeks in a way that even a day ago would have left her hesitant.

"Marty."

Silence greeted her words, so Kensi spoke Deeks' name again. When a soft snore reached her ears Kensi tried not to groan out loud. Reasoning that he was probably worn out from several hours of building cabinets with Justin, Kensi didn't have the heart to wake him. Settling back against him, Deeks' arms automatically snaked around her waist, pulling her tight against his chest.

And even though sleep had seemed impossible even just moments ago, Kensi found her eyes easily closing and her mind clouding over.

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_To be continued_


	16. Chapter 16

**Note: **Wow, you guys are awesome for still reading and reviewing! Thanks for the reviews, favorites, and alerts, it's great encouragement and I appreciate it. Thanks as always to **MioneAlterEgo **for her always helpful beta reading, suggestions, and reinforcement. I feel like I should mention something about how PTSD is portrayed in this story. By no means am I a factual source on the disorder. However, much of the behavior of the character of Justin is drawn from someone I know. It is by no means all encompassing, just one point of view of PTSD and the affect it can have. But all the treatments mentioned, as well as programs like Paws for Purple Hearts, are genuine. Anyway, enough about the specifics, and on with the chapter. Thanks for reading, and reviewing if you do!

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Although he'd only gotten a few hours of sleep, far less than the usual, Deeks woke up easily just before dawn. It was as though his body and soul knew he had plans to go surfing. Even though he'd gone out the day before, he missed being out on the water. The ocean was calling to him.

Turning his head, Deeks found Kensi on her stomach, her pillow clutched tightly under her head. And he grinned at the rumble of her snore, always more prominent when she slept on her stomach. He thought about waking her, thought about all the things they still needed to talk about. And he knew they would, hopefully later in the day. But he didn't really have the heart to pull her from sleep right then.

Slipping from the bed, Deeks suited up for the beach, padding towards the backyard door to retrieve his surfboard. Monty followed closely behind and Deeks tried to gesture for him to stay, mostly to keep Kensi company. But Monty was insistent, beginning to whine, and Deeks finally sighed and motioned for the dog to come with him.

Jogging quickly to the beach, Deeks found Justin already there, finishing up prepping his board for surfing. With a quick greeting Deeks kneeled down on the sand next to Justin, beginning to scrape wax on his board. At first Deeks attributed the quiet from the younger man to the early hour. The night before Deeks had almost been jubilant at the progress he'd made with Justin. They'd talked about their dogs, music, surfing, and Justin had gradually become more and more opened and engaged until they were laughing together and most of Justin's reservation from earlier in the week gone.

But looking at Justin now, it was as if the evening before hadn't happened. His posture was stooped, his eyes downcast, and he focused on his board with a kind of fixed concentration that immediately clued Deeks in that Justin was a little out of sorts. Glancing around casually, Deeks saw that Oscar sat patiently behind Justin and next to the dog a cup half submerged into the sand. Squinting, Deeks recognized the logo for the neighborhood coffee café Kensi had first encountered Justin in.

Deeks thought about it, wondering if something had happened when Justin had gone to get coffee that morning. From what Kensi had told Deeks he knew there was a woman there, Ronnie, that Kensi suspected Justin had feelings for. Deeks had even met briefly Ronnie earlier in the week when he'd been on a coffee run. She'd been all smiles and laughter, welcoming and open in a way Justin wasn't. During the week Cody had confirmed the amount of time Justin spent at the café and Deeks was beginning to suspect Justin went for more than the coffee. It was a situation they would use to their advantage with the Open Mike Night performance Kensi would be attending there that evening while Deeks and Cody snooped around Justin's house.

"How do things look out there?" Deeks asked casually. Justin glanced out at the ocean before turning back to him.

"Not bad. The wind is coming from the northwest, the waves are about five feet high. But they're probably going to flatten pretty quick, in a few hours."

"Probably a good thing. I'm sure my wife will wonder if we're not back to keep building the kitchen before it's too late in the day," Deeks joked, hoping to pull a smile from Justin. Instead, the younger man shrugged listlessly and finished up prepping his board. After another few minutes both men walked towards the water and paddled towards the break, facing west as they waited for the waves.

In the quiet of the morning, and with the sun beginning to lighten the sky behind them, Deeks was able to silently observe Justin. The mood swing from the engaging guy the night before to the contemplative man in front of him now was something Deeks was having a hard time wrapping his mind around. He knew that Justin was on a number of medications that might account for his changing personality, but that made Deeks wonder and reevaluate his thought from the night before that it was hard to imagine Justin as a cold blooded serial killer. Not knowing which version of the man to trust put Deeks on guard.

But Deeks knew there was an additional facet to what made Justin who he was. Although he was undergoing treatment for his PTSD, he still suffered from the affects it. And from Deeks' limited knowledge of the disorder, it could account for his drastically changing moods. And in that Deeks had to hand it to Kensi. She had unique insight thanks to her past, and whatever had happened with Jack. Her view of a disorder that rarely made sense was much more educated and aware than his. And in that Deeks was gaining a new appreciation for what her experience might have taught her, as painful as it seemed to be.

Out on the water, Justin was entirely silent. He wasn't physically distant, always came back after surfing a wave to be within close proximity to Deeks. But it was behavior Deeks wasn't really accustomed to. Generally his surfing partner was Cody and the idea of Cody quietly contemplating the incoming waves was a laughable one. When Deeks and Cody surfed they usually came back laughing and with throats almost sore from trading jokes and stories for hours.

But Deeks could adjust. Besides, the opportunity to surf with Justin was a good one to try and connect further with the man. Words weren't always required to form a bond. Although completely different, Deeks had formed a bond with Kensi the second their eyes had met across a crowded gym. Neither of them had understood what that bond was at the time, but it had developed into much more than either of them could have imagined from that initial spark of their gazes meeting.

Turning his attention back to Justin, Deeks tried to ignore the twinge of guilt he felt stirring. He saw something wounded in Justin's posture, his almost inwardly slumped body. Deeks recognized pain when he saw it. Physically Justin might be healthy and whole. Mentally he was anything but.

They surfed for a few hours, tacitly agreeing to head back to the beach when the waves petered out to only a few feet high. On the beach Oscar and Monty watched them approach, the dogs sitting side-by-side like sentinels watching the towels and phones the men had left behind. Not in a hurry to head back to the house all that quickly, Deeks sat cross legged on the beach, reaching out to rub Oscar's and Monty's heads. He took it as a good sign that after a moment of hesitation Justin sat down on the other side of the dogs.

Although he wanted to ask Justin what was wrong, Deeks kept silent. He may not have been able to physically dominate people like Sam, speak half a dozen languages like Callen, or hotwire a Cessna like Kensi, but Deeks could read people. His skill was taking some reconfiguring thanks to Justin's PTSD affecting his behavior, but Deeks sensed that pushing Justin to open up wouldn't result in helping Justin or helping their case.

Several minutes passed. Long enough that Deeks was thinking about to head back to the house, when Justin finally spoke. "Can I ask you something?"

Deeks met Justin's troubled green eyes, nodding his head slowly. Justin looked away and down at the coffee cup, then back at Deeks. "What was it like for your wife? After her former fiancé came back and then left her? Do you know how she coped? How she moved on with you later?"

Drawing a deep breath, Deeks had to look away for a minute, gathering his thoughts. Although Kensi had filled him in on what she'd told Justin about Angela's supposed former life, it still surprised him that Justin was being so direct. But there had to be a point to the questions. If Deeks could figure that out that might speak to Justin's state of mind.

"I don't have all the details. I only met Angela after her fiancé left. But she was devastated by him leaving. I know she tried everything she could think of to help him. She tried to anticipate his needs before he did. It still didn't work between them." Deeks paused, seeing the deepening worry in Justin's face. "But I also think he wasn't getting treated for his PTSD. That certainly factored in."

Justin was nodding slowly, and Deeks reminded himself that as Chris Coleman he didn't know anything about Justin's PTSD. He couldn't reveal that he had information he wasn't supposed to.

"I know Angela wanted to do more for him. It's in her nature to help when she sees someone she loves hurting. But he may not have wanted the help. He may not have known how to accept it. He didn't give her a choice in his leaving, but ultimately she realized she had to let him go," Deeks said, knowing that he was making sweeping statements without a lot of basis for Kensi's actual history with Jack. But it was the best he could do.

"Would she have stayed with him if he hadn't left?" Justin blurted out. Then he hurriedly continued, worried at Deeks' reaction. "I'm sorry, that's a really personal question—"

"No, it's okay," Deeks replied quietly, clearing his throat as he considered Justin's very pointed question. The thought of what Kensi might have done ir Jack stayed stuck at him, like an itch under his skin he wanted to claw away at. It was uncomfortable but he had to ignore the feeling. Rolling his shoulders in a physical attempt to shrug the thought away, he continued. "She loved him. I don't think she would have given up on him. But he gave up. I think she would have stuck by him, no matter what."

It was a thought that scared him. If Jack had stayed with Kensi she would have likely never joined NCIS. They never would have met. It wasn't a kind of future he even wanted to think of as real, as possible as it might have been.

"Even if it would have been better for her to leave? Safer for her?"

A little puzzled, Deeks looked at Justin quizzically. It only took a few seconds, but then it all clicked into place. Justin wasn't really that interested in Angela's history with her fiancé. He was interested in determining how a woman could love and deal with someone with PTSD. Justin was thinking of Ronnie, the coffee shop barista who Kensi had noted had a concerned and soft spot for Justin. And he worried about what being who he was might do to her, might force her into.

"Love's a funny thing, Justin. It doesn't always make you do smart things," Deeks replied. "But you can't convince a person not to love someone they already do."

"But what if Angela's fiancé had been violent? What if he hurt her? Shouldn't she have left him, gotten away?"

Deeks felt the stirrings of caution at Justin's questions. He worried that Justin might be asking something that was true of Kensi's actual experience with Jack. And he'd never really thought about Kensi being physically hurt by Jack. But Justin's comment made him wonder. Once the thought was there it was like an icy trickle down his spine. Impossible to ignore and followed with a flicker of fear. He also worried that Justin was speaking for himself, concerned for what he might be physically capable of as a murderer. And Deeks had to think about the unaware coffee barista. If Justin were a serial killer putting her within harm's way was not a good idea.

"People you love should never physically hurt you," Deeks replied vehemently, the echo of his childhood making his voice harsh. But he gentled his tone, knowing that even PTSD survivors could be violent without control, as much as it would pain them later to know they'd hurt a loved one. "That said, even though there's no excuse for physical violence, there is understanding it. And getting help with you need it."

Justin nodded slowly, the troubled shadow in his eyes remaining fixed in place. Deeks tried to give him a reassuring smile. "Angela and I met when she was going through a tough time. And her experience was unique, not like anyone else's. What she went through wasn't a blueprint or map for dealing with PTSD. She did what she felt was right for Jack. It may not have been enough for him at the time. But I know she tried with everything she had. She doesn't give up on people she loves."

Taking a risk, Deeks reached out and laid a gentle hand on Justin's shoulder. When Justin didn't flinch or pull away, just looked back at Deeks with turmoil thinly veiled in his eyes, Deeks took it as a positive sign.

"I don't know what you've gone through, Justin. And you don't have to tell me. I can guess that it was bad. But you should let people care about you, let people help you. If you're not ready to accept it now, just keep it in mind for later when you might be," Deeks offered, speaking vaguely, but hoping Justin didn't react by closing himself off. And Deeks breathed a sigh of relief when Justin didn't storm off, didn't confirm or deny, just nodded once. Deeks had to wonder if Justin really was the killer they suspected, or if he was someone in too deep, a little lost in the world, who just needed help.

After another few quiet moments Justin gave Deeks a half smile. "I guess we'd better get back to the house and back to work."

"What's this 'we' business?" Deeks joked. "Am I more free labor for you today?"

"Only if you have the time, sorry, I—"

"Justin, relax, man. I'm just teasing you. Of course I'll help. At least until this afternoon. Then I've got this thing with my brother in the evening."

"You aren't coming to the Open Mike Night at the coffee shop tonight?" Justin asked, a little disappointed. Deeks controlled his surprise, recognizing the hopeful expression on Justin's face. Justin wanted to make connections, wanted to be friends with Chris. He was just a bit inept at social situations. Deeks thought quickly, remembering that before Kensi had planned to go as Angela, leaving her husband who she was fighting with back at the house. But with Deeks able to strike up a friendship Justin the play to have Angela be the only ally might need some reconfiguring.

"I'll try and get there later. Cody needs some help with his boat but we might get done early."

Justin seemed satisfied with the half promise and they parted ways at the road by the beach with Justin promising to clean up and be at the house in half an hour. With Monty keeping pace, Deeks jogged home as quickly as he could, nearly breathless as he arrived at the house to find Kensi getting out of the shower, quickly telling her Justin would be there soon.

He groaned at the tantalizing sight of her, flushed and damp from the shower, towel barely around her, her hair a tangled mess over her shoulder. He kissed her, her pleased smile lifting the corners of her mouth under his. She moved to leave the bathroom and allow him to shower, but he circled her wrist with his hands, tugging her back towards the humid room.

"I don't really think we have time for—"

"Woman, you're killing me. I wish we had time for that but we'll both have to be tortured and wait," Deeks replied, beginning to strip from his wet suit. Kensi raised an eyebrow in return, leaning back against the bathroom sink and surveying him with interest. When she subconsciously licked her lips Deeks held up a finger in warning. "None of that. Let me fill you in on my discussion with Justin. But you stay right there. This shower curtain is not to be crossed. I mean it. No tempting me."

Deeks disappeared into the shower, enjoying Kensi's quick snort of laughter at his warning. He described his conversation with Justin with Kensi silent on the other side of the curtain. Considering the weight of the subject, and that Kensi did still have things to tell him about Jack, Deeks wasn't surprised. But he was worried about what he would see on her face. Pulling back the curtain, it was the sheen of tears in her eyes that nearly made his heart stop.

"Kensi, I'm sorry, I just thought you should know the progress I made with Justin," Deeks stammered. Kensi shook her head roughly, blinking rapidly to keep her threatening tears at bay.

"No, I'm glad you did. Both that you made that connection with Justin and that you told me." Kensi kept her eyes on him, her deep breath releasing with a slight shudder. "There really is so much I need to tell you about Jack."

Deeks felt relief at her words. She was finally ready to talk. Apprehension followed, not because of what she might say about Jack. But because in this case _quid pro quo_ really was expected. He knew he would have to face some of his anger and fear relating to his mother. Kensi wouldn't let him get away with not opening up. He might not have the same kind of secrets to tell that Kensi did, but he hadn't been entirely forthcoming either.

He opened his mouth to speak, halting when he heard Monty's excited bark and Oscar's deeply resonating woof in response. Justin had arrived. And they needed to put aside their personal conversation to pay attention to the case and their suspect. Toweling off quickly, Deeks kissed Kensi, stroking her cheek with his hand and meeting her trusting eyes with his.

"Later," he promised, to which Kensi nodded, her smile equal parts heated with warmth and anticipation. He left Kensi in the bathroom to finish getting ready, then dressed quickly so he could greet Justin and help with the kitchen remodel.

The afternoon passed quickly, Deeks spending the day assisting Justin with hanging cabinets and laying tile in the kitchen. At a certain point his assistance wasn't really needed, but he stuck around. Justin didn't seem to mind, his mood actually brightening as the day grew longer.

"It's time for you to head to Cody's, isn't it?" Kensi asked, interrupting Justin and Deeks late in the afternoon. Deeks nodded, giving Justin a handshake goodbye and Kensi a kiss as he promised to try and make it to the coffee shop later. Kensi smiled, her eyes conveying her silent message and wish that he stay safe and look after her brother.

Kensi watched Deeks leave the house and heard Justin beginning to pack up his tools in the kitchen. She turned, intending to ask if he needed any help, but Justin was already shouldering his pack and the last of his tools, the lopsided weight of metal not unbalancing him at all. He might no longer be a physically conditioned soldier, but Justin was obviously in excellent shape.

"It seems like you and Chris found some things in common," Kensi remarked.

"He seems like a good guy. He gave me some advice and I think it'll help," Justin replied cagily. Kensi was a little surprised he didn't elaborate, considering Justin had been so forthcoming with her before. But considering the subject matter Justin and Deeks had discussed, he probably didn't want her to know about his doubts and worries about Ronnie. Justin continued, his voice soft. "I know you guys have been dealing with a lot because of your move—"

Knowing Justin was thinking of the argument he'd witnessed earlier in the week, Kensi waved the concern away, not wanting Justin to think that he had to pick sides between the Coleman's.

"I think we're working through all that. Chris can be emotional sometimes," Kensi replied with a wry smile, knowing Deeks would roll his eyes at her words, a loud protest immediately following. Just as she knew he really couldn't object. "But I think he's getting happier here. And having you for a friend is probably helping."

Justin seemed pleased and Kensi kept her smile in place even as she felt guilt stir a little. Justin seemed like a good person. And she hated manipulating good people. It didn't happen all the time during their work but when it did the lying never sat quite right with her.

After Justin left, saying he would see her at the coffee shop in an hour, she made a quick sweep of the house, settling Monty and packing her purse and putting her earwig in. In her ear she heard to familiar chatter of Nell and Eric as they checked in with Deeks and Cody from their position around the corner from Justin's house. She signed on, smiling as Deeks teased Eric about all the great waves he'd caught that day. As expected, Eric was vocally unhappy he'd missed out.

Kensi listened to the easy jokes back and forth as she walked to the café, the sun setting and the sky darkening as the evening settled in. The light layer of fog so typical to the northern California coast was beginning to drift in, leaving the air damp and cool. By the time she arrived at the café it was dark enough for Deeks and Cody to move in. Kensi arrived at the café to see the small group of people who had gathered for the evening's entertainment.

"_Ms. Blye, you'll be going silent while you are at the coffee shop keeping an eye on Justin Griffin."_

"Copy that, Hetty." Kensi glanced in through the windows, seeing her intended targets. "Griffin is here. And so is Oscar, so the house should be clear. Going silent."

"_Copy that, Kensi. Cody and I are moving in."_

Kensi entered the café, turning as Ronnie approached her, a bright smile on her face and her brown eyes dancing with delight. "Angela! You came!"

As a frequent customer in the last week, Kensi had quickly become a favorite regular of Ronnie's. The barista leaned in to give her a hug, guiding her over to the counter before she went behind to start making Kensi a drink.

"Of course I came. I said I would. I'm looking for new talent and you assured me you'd be playing. And that I need to hear Justin," Kensi reminded her.

Ronnie grimaced regretfully, handing Kensi her coffee. "I sort of forgot that tonight is covers night. No new material from Justin tonight."

Kensi shrugged. "That's okay, I just want to hear you guys sing."

"Hey, Angela," Justin said quietly from her right. "Would you mind keeping an eye on Oscar while I'm up there?"

Kensi nodded, giving Justin a smile and bending to pet Oscar. Justin looked at her gratefully, and then turned as someone announced it was his turn to perform. Kensi took her coffee and sat at a small table where she had a view of the whole café. Over her earwig she listened as Deeks and Cody moved through Justin's house looking for evidence after clearing the rooms for any unknown threats.

"_I've got Justin's computer. Cody's looking for forensic evidence to link Justin to the crimes. Eric, I'm linking into Justin's computer now."_

"_Copy that, Deeks. We're downloading."_

"_Cody? You find anything?"_

"_I've got a GWOT coin."_

Kensi froze at Cody's brisk statement, knowing the coin was the item the serial killer used as a trophy from his victims. As if she'd been anticipating the next question, Nell spoke up quickly.

"_Griffin served during that mission and he would have received a coin. It's probably just his. And they aren't identifiable person-to-person, each coin is exactly like every other coin."_

"_So unless we find a whole stash that's a bust. Cody, keep looking."_

Kensi heard the frustration in Deeks' voice and she wished she were there. She was needed where she was and they all had a part to play. Kensi reminded herself of that as Justin settled on the stool sitting in the makeshift corner stage of the café, doing some final tuning of his guitar. Ronnie stood off to the side, away from the small crowd but with a clear view of Justin. Kensi watched the young woman, saw the gentle smile on her face, the way her eyes softened when she looked at Justin, who was seemingly oblivious to her scrutiny.

Justin adjusted the microphone and without introducing himself, began to sing a song that spoke about wanting to shake loose from a strange and untrue world, being tired and hurt from struggling to break free, desperate to walk from darkness. It was a familiar song, made personal by how Justin sang the words as if they came from deep within. Kensi found herself drawn to his voice, an earnest baritone and soft in the beginning, then growing in intensity as the song continued and the tempo increased.

The applause after Justin's first song was impressed and generous and there was even a hint of a pleased smile on his face. His next song talked about going back to the start even when things weren't easy, guessing at the rational parts of life from science to numbers compared to the emotions of the heart. Kensi felt her heart crack a little, unable to deny that the songs Justin sang seemed to speak to his state of mind and the struggles of his soul, both the ones she knew about and those she could only guess at.

"_We've got nothing else in the house. There's a duffel bag by the door, packed with survival supplies like he's ready to go at a moment's notice. The house is really sparse, it barely looks like anyone lives here."_

Listening to Deeks', Kensi felt her eyes drawn to the still young man, so withdrawn in normal life, but more alive when he was able to sing on stage. During all her observations of him that week, Justin seemed like he was self conscious, but somehow with performing he was able to let that apprehension go. He sat up taller and grew in confidence as he sang. And Kensi saw as Ronnie swayed ever so slightly to the music, her lips tracing the words of the song Justin sang.

"_Wait a second. I've got something."_

Kensi held her breath, wishing she could see what Cody had found. She couldn't have said if she wanted it to implicate or exonerate Justin. But the uncertainty about whether he was involved or not gnawed away at her. They needed answers and they needed them before the killer struck again.

"_It's a pair of boots. Work boots, pretty standard. They were hidden in the back of the closet. And it looks like there's blood on them."_

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_To be continued_

**Final Note:** If you're wondering, the two songs Justin sings are "Open Your Eyes" by Snow Patrol, and "The Scientist" by Coldplay.


	17. Chapter 17

**Note: **I am continually astounded by the awesome support from those of you reading. Really, thank you. Reviews, alerts, and favorites are the best support there is! I also get great support from my awesome beta, **MioneAlterEgo**! I have to admit the curiosity and uncertainty about Justin is exactly what I'd hoped for. You're supposed to wonder about his true motivations and who he really might be. Or not. Rest assured, I do have a plan for him. And believe it or not, we're getting closer and closer to the major climax of this story. I'm not sure how many chapters are left, but there's definitely fewer chapters ahead than are already completed. I think. Thank you for reading, and for reviewing if you do!

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"Blood?" Kensi breathed quietly, breaking radio silence. "Are you sure?"

There was a long pause, presumably as Cody went to get a better look at the boots. Deeks' voice came over the line and into Kensi's ear. "It looks like blood."

Kensi heard the grim note in his tone, knew that implicating Justin had become something neither of them wanted. But they couldn't argue with the evidence once they knew what the evidence actually told them.

"Mr. Keppinger, please take a sample from the boots and return them to their place."

"You don't think I should take them for evidence, Hetty?"

"If Mr. Griffin is indeed our killer then we don't want him realizing we may be on to him," Hetty pointed out, silently referring back to the already packed bag sitting next to Justin's front door.

"Copy that, Hetty. I'll take a sample and get it to the NCIS Forensics Lab in San Francisco for testing."

"Excellent. Mr. Deeks, it would be a good idea for you to join your partner."

Deeks agreed and Kensi listened over the line as Deeks and Cody went silent, leaving Griffin's house with their possible evidence, and the copy of Justin's computer hard drive. She waited anxiously, trying not to allow her head to turn towards the door every few minutes. Although she'd heard everything happening over the comm, seeing Deeks' reaction on his face and communicated to her through her eyes would tell her more than simple words could ever say.

Kensi was momentarily distracted from her vigil when Justin took the stage once again, urging Ronnie to join him. Ronnie blushed brightly and made a weak attempt to demure, but Justin was persistent. And when he smiled at Ronnie, a wide and sincere smile Kensi had never quite seen light his face, Ronnie seemed to melt and give in without further objection.

Justin's earlier nervousness seemed gone as he settled back on his stool, leaning over to whisper quietly in Ronnie's ear before he turned back to his guitar. He raised questioning eyebrows in Ronnie's direction and she nodded once, her eyes studiously trained on Justin as he strummed the opening chords to a new song. Although it took them a few lines of the song for them to fall into taking turns on the duet, pretty quickly they fell into an easy give and take, their voices melding through the earnest love song about how words weren't really needed for true feelings to be revealed.

The song continued and Kensi felt herself relaxing watching the young couple on stage. During the normal waking hours Justin seemed to carry the weight of his past on his shoulders. He seemed to be fighting demons that Kensi could only guess at and most of the world could never understand. And Kensi had noticed that Ronnie had a habit of watching Justin, of trying to see the shadow of those demons that seemed to follow him. Kensi could tell Ronnie wanted to help, but as much as Justin seemed to carry a heavy load, he gave no indication that he was open to anyone's help in lightening that burden. But now, with the ease of a shared song between them, Justin appeared more open to Ronnie than Kensi had ever seen.

The arm that slid around her shoulders might have made her jump if she hadn't smelled Deeks first. Instead, she closed her eyes and breathed deep, listening to the closing lines of Justin and Ronnie's duet, and feeling Deeks' lips on her temple, giving her a quick kiss. He kept his arm around her shoulders and the back of her chair, warming her entire left side as he drew her closer towards him.

The smattering of applause after Ronnie and Justin finished their song gave them a little cover as Deeks turned his head towards Kensi, whispering in her ear. "Cody left for San Francisco. I put a tracker on Justin's car. If he goes anywhere, we'll know."

Kensi nodded, looking up as Justin and Ronnie approached from the stage, another performer taking over. She beamed at them, easily able to offer her compliments on their performances. "You guys were really great. And that's a beautiful duet. You should really get me some of your original material. I might be able to shop it around."

She couldn't help but feel guilty at the lies in her words. Angela Coleman might be the president of a fledgling record label, but Kensi Blye had no ability to connect Justin or Ronnie to musical careers they clearly deserved. Kensi shoved those discomforting thoughts away as Ronnie's eyes brightened.

"Really? You'd do that?"

Kensi nodded, noticing that Justin didn't seem nearly as enthused as Ronnie at the prospect of making the leap to professional musician. Instead, Justin had turned to Deeks, offering up a handshake and greeting as he leaned down to pet Oscar, who'd been sitting at Kensi's feet the whole time.

"Chris, are you going to get up there?"

Ronnie's question, so out of the blue that Deeks didn't have time to do anything but react with shock, was met with wide eyes and surprise. Although Deeks and Ronnie had met earlier in the week when he'd come in for coffee, their introduction had been casual while her question was pointedly personal. Although Ronnie was also very outgoing and not at all shy about striking up quick friendships, she seemed to sense the undercurrent of Deeks' surprise and that she might have crossed over some unseen line. Shifting a little uncomfortably, Ronnie stammered in response. "Angela mentioned you're a musician. It's covers night, but we'd love to hear you perform."

Recovering quickly enough, Deeks gave her an appreciative smile. "Thanks, Ronnie, but I didn't bring my guitar or prepare anything—"

"You can borrow mine."

Kensi inhaled sharply, watching as Justin lifted his guitar over his head from where it had been slung across his back, holding it out for Deeks to take. Deeks traded glances with her, the look communicating a touch of apprehension, but also his realization that he needed to take Ronnie's suggestion. To do otherwise might have looked strange. Chris Coleman was supposed to be an experienced musician. And if Deeks wanted to maintain his cover, he would need to take the stage.

"Thanks, Justin."

Deeks stood, slinging the guitar strap over his head, his hands falling naturally to the guitar as he strummed it, bowing his head to listen and make quick adjustments to the tuning heads. Ronnie had taken the seat Deeks vacated, Justin settling next to her, and she smiled curiously at Deeks.

"What are you going to sing?"

Deeks gave Ronnie a quick wink, then smiled at Kensi. "This is a little unexpected, but I've got something in mind."

Ronnie grinned in return then stood to take Deeks towards the front of the café, leaning into the microphone to introduce him. After the welcoming applause that followed, Ronnie left the stage to rejoin Kensi and Justin as Deeks settled on the stool, glancing once at Kensi before he began to play and sing.

Kensi listened to the warm tenor of Deeks' voice first, then watched as the muscles in his shoulders and arms relaxed and he leaned in to play the guitar, his body moving in a way she'd never witnessed before. He really could play, those years of violin and music lessons clearly never having left him. It took her a bit to really listen to the words Deeks was singing. But eventually she heard them and she knew he was singing to her.

He sang about a love that came in colors, how he'd changed from a head full of tangles and a heart full of splinters thanks to her coming into his life. And how she'd saved him. Kensi's eyes filled with tears as she really listened to the lyrics and she thought about how even as she'd always considered it was Deeks who had saved her, he firmly believed she had saved him-in all the small ways and big ways, and in every metaphorical, physical, and emotional way a person could be saved. And when Deeks' voice grew in intensity as he sang about how her love kept him steady and how he wouldn't let her down, Kensi felt the strength and surety of the words and knew she could count on them and she could count on Deeks. It wasn't a new realization. But it never failed to remind her how lucky she was.

Deeks finished and accepted the encouraging applause with a quick bow, weaving his way back through the crowd towards Kensi. She watched him coming and felt her heart beat louder as he approached. It seemed silly now, her hesitancy to tell Deeks about her past and Jack. He'd proven to her time and again that he would always be there for her. Even where there were things she could barely admit to herself, he would be there for her to shoulder her fears. And it was a burden she was tired of carrying alone.

"You were great!" Ronnie beamed, clapping enthusiastically. Deeks accepted the praise with a nod, and Justin's congratulatory handshake. He handed the guitar back to Justin, then took the seat Ronnie left as she went back behind the café counter to return to serving drinks, promising to see them later.

Unable to help herself, Kensi leaned towards Deeks, kissing him gently and then pulling back just far enough so she could look into his eyes. "That was beautiful. I had no idea you had it in you."

Deeks smile was slow and more than a little proud. "You must bring it out of me."

She couldn't help the blush that warmed her face as Deeks leaned in, returning her kiss with his lips on her neck, the touch brief but his beard leaving a tingling trail of awareness. Remembering where they were, Kensi cleared her throat, leaning back to see that Justin was looking at them both a little longingly. She couldn't quite place the expression, if he was just longing for the love that Chris and Angela seemed to have, or if there was another wish in his contemplative gaze. Justin tucked it away pretty quickly, Oscar providing a good distraction when he whined for attention from the floor.

They sat for awhile longer, listening to performers of varying skill take the stage. Kensi felt herself growing more and more impatient as Deeks' hand trailed along her shoulders, picked up a length of her hair to play with the curl at the end, or his fingers reached up to trace the slope of her neck. The touch was so brief it couldn't be mistaken for indecent while in a public setting, but it left a trail of fire that Kensi found only made her more anxious to be alone with Deeks.

Allowing her hand to settle on Deeks' thigh, she felt the muscles under her palm tighten. She looked up at Deeks, seeing the sudden heat in his eyes and she allowed the mischievous smile that lifted her lips. Deeks stood suddenly, taking her hand with his and gently tugging her to her feet.

"Right, I think we're going to head home for the night. Nice to see you Justin," Deeks said briskly, giving Ronnie a quick goodbye wave as he ushered Kensi from the café. Kensi laughed softly, not really able to fault Deeks' sudden rush to be alone. Not only did they have plenty to talk about, but it had been awhile since they'd really had the chance to forget the case and just enjoy each other.

The drive home was quick and they found Monty at the door, anxious for a walk. Deeks clipped a leash on and took Monty out, giving Kensi some time to change. She found a bottle of wine in the refrigerator and poured herself a drink, feeling as though the liquid courage might help. As the minutes passed and she waited for Deeks to return she felt the apprehension growing. She had to allow herself to believe in the constancy of Deeks' love for her. Nothing she could say would change that.

Deeks returned to find Kensi sitting on the couch, the beginnings of a fire flickering in the fireplace. He caught on to her contemplative mood and sat down next to her, taking a swallow from the glass of wine she'd left him. Kensi inched closer to Deeks, feeling her confidence grow as his arm went around her waist, drawing her up next to him.

"I know that you know about Jack leaving," Kensi started. Deeks silently nodded, encouraging her to continue. "But so much happened up until that point. So much that built up my hopes, dashed my confidence. And I made choices I regretted and I did things that I'm still not sure were the right decisions. So much that made me doubt myself, made me doubt what I thought I knew was true."

Kensi took another sip of wine, leaning in as Deeks took her hand, lacing his fingers with hers, his hand squeezing hers tightly. She met his eyes, seeing nothing but love and understanding. He deserved to know the whole story. And he deserved to hear it from her.

"It was clear from the moment Jack came back from his last tour of duty that he'd changed. Before he'd always been so steady, someone who was easy to be around. He was the most honest man I knew, telling a lie was never even a thought to him. He rarely got mad and he was easy to laugh, quick to forgive and move on. He seemed more volatile when he came back and at first I chalked it up to the combat, to just being jumpy and apprehensive since returning to normal life. I remembered it used to take some time for my dad to adjust," Kensi replied, trailing off into her memories for a moment.

"Jack didn't tell me anything about his medications. I found out later he was given some antidepressants, but they weren't prescribed with PTSD in mind. When he was processed out of the Corps the doctor just gave him a cursory prescription. I didn't even see how he was hurting. And I didn't even understand it, not at the time," Kensi whispered regretfully. Deeks lifted her hand, touching his lips to her knuckles.

"Don't judge yourself so harshly. You've said it yourself, PTSD is and was something doctors are still trying to understand. You were what? Twenty-two years old? It had to be a lot to deal with," Deeks soothed. Kensi shook her head briskly.

"I should have seen how much pain he was in. But it took me forever to see what he meant when he said coming home to me was like hitting the ground. It took almost losing him for me to see it," Kensi whispered. At Deeks encouraging nod, she continued. "I was in college and I came home from class one evening and found Jack at the kitchen table. His gun was loaded in front of him. And he was staring at it like it was his salvation. It took seeing that for me to realize he hadn't looked as alive as he did looking at that gun than about anything else in the months since he'd returned."

Kensi took another deep breath. "I took charge then. I took Jack to see a doctor. I went to his appointments with him. I made sure the doctor told me all about his medications. There really wasn't a whole lot of effective therapy for PTSD at that time, but I still took Jack to some group therapy. I thought he started to get better. His moods got better. And we had these moments of happiness and brilliance that made me think we'd beaten it. I shouldn't have been so naïve to think it would be that easy."

Deeks watched Kensi warily as she pulled back from him, taking another sip from her wine. And it didn't escape his notice that her hand shook a little, the remaining liquid in the glass trembling slightly.

"I can't even remember clearly how the argument started. I think I mentioned something about wedding plans and where we might have the wedding. At first Jack didn't seem all that interested. But maybe it was me talking about the guests and the thought of all the people. It kind of spiraled out from there. I was hurt by his disinterest and I didn't understand that he wasn't acting normally," Kensi replied, her self-doubt rising up. "I had moved away from thinking about him as someone with PTSD, I'd somehow thought that wasn't a part of him, of us, anymore.

"People do conquer it, they do get better. But they have to be treated. Otherwise it follows them like a shadow that can't be shaken. And Jack thought he was better so he'd stopped going to therapy. He'd stopped taking his medications. I'd trusted him and he'd lied to me, he'd been so sure he didn't need treatment to help him get better," Kensi said, her smile grim. "Jack wasn't really big on needing help, either from medications or from therapy. He wanted to beat it on his own.

"When it came out during our argument that he'd stopped getting treatment I got angry with him. At the time I felt like he'd betrayed me. It turned loud and it wasn't until later when I woke up with a concussion and a bloody nose with Jack long gone that I realized he'd hit me and left," Kensi said softly, looking to Deeks for his reaction. He held his breath, every muscle in his body tightening with shock. Kensi looked away, quickly continuing her story before she lost the nerve.

"My memory of what exactly happened when he hit me is still hazy. I knew that Jack would have never intentionally hurt me. I knew he wasn't in control. And I knew that he'd probably realized he'd hurt me and had been guilty and ashamed. His gun was gone and I was terrified for what he might do to himself. I tried to find him but after a few hours I couldn't. So I called the police and I reported Jack for domestic violence.

"I thought it would be the fastest way to find him and that it might convince him to get help," Kensi said, shaking her head in regret. "They did find him pretty quickly, pulled him over for going through a red light and with the warrant out for his arrest, took him in."

"What happened next?" Deeks asked carefully, trying to focus on Kensi's words rather than the rage he felt at how she'd been hurt.

"I was so relieved they'd found him that I dropped the charges. I thought he would come home and everything would be fine. I thought I could make sure he got help, that he would get better," Kensi paused, worriedly chewing on her lower lip as she looked at Deeks. "I know what you must think, about me dropping the charges. I know on the surface it makes me sound like every abused woman out there who just allows her abuser back into her life—"

"Kensi, I'm not judging you. Not when your motives were to help him. There were extenuating circumstances. You're nothing like my mother. You tried to change the situation you were in. She never did," Deeks replied, his voice low and comforting. Kensi took his words in, the relief she felt almost overwhelming. She'd been so worried he would look down on her decisions.

"It didn't really matter, not in the long run. I thought Jack was ready to commit to treatment. I thought he took hitting me and being arrested as a kind of wakeup call. All it really seemed to do was make him more secretive, though I didn't see it at the time. I forgave so easily, and moved on thinking everything was fine," Kensi straightened her back, draining the last of the wine in her glass. "I didn't want to see what was still wrong. A month later Jack left on Christmas day and I haven't seen him since."

As Deeks folded her against him, Kensi closed her eyes and sank into his embrace. The explanation that Jack had left didn't bring the same wave of sadness it had for years. She had much to regret about what had happened with Jack. But after years and years it didn't reduce her tears the same way it used to. With the strong and steady feel of Deeks' arms around her, she knew that time could make many things easier. Just as it could also make some things easier to ignore and not face.

"It wasn't until later, after months of looking for him, that I found out more of what had happened to Jack. After he'd been released from jail he told me he'd gone back on his medications and back to therapy. I thought being arrested had been the push he needed to get better. But it turned out it was just the push to make him lie to me," Kensi mumbled against Deeks' shoulder, his hands going up to soothe in gentle circles around her back.

"The Marine Corps delayed his treatment. The request got lost in the sea of all the other paperwork of injured soldiers. Jack stopped filling his prescriptions and I can only guess at how his view of the world changed after he thought I'd betrayed him by having him arrested," Kensi said sadly. "We never talked about it, but it was my fault. I turned a good and honest man into a liar. He was never that kind of person. But I made him into someone he wasn't."

Kensi's words turned strangled and she suddenly found it hard to breathe. "I looked for him for months, I hoped he would come back and look for me. But he never did and I've only been able to conclude it's because he thought I betrayed him."

Deeks took her by the shoulders, shaking her in a way that was meant to catch her attention. His voice was rough as he struggled to keep his tone measured. "Kensi, you can't blame yourself for that. You were trying to help him. You can't control everything in the world. It's not all your fault and it's not all his fault. Nobody would have tried harder than you. Believe me when I say that to you."

Kensi blinked back her tears, willing them not to fall as the obvious evidence of how mistakes from a decade ago still haunted her. She wasn't near tears because of losing Jack. But the part that she felt she'd played in changing him still twisted her heart with ache and regret. When the tears finally spilled over and tracked down her cheeks Kensi closed her eyes against Deeks' hand reaching up to brush them away as he accepted her failings, just as he'd accepted every other fault.

"You're not to blame, Kensi," Deeks said softly into her ear, his lips kissing her closed eyelids and then whispering into her other ear. "You're not."

"I want to believe you," Kensi sobbed. "So badly."

When she opened her eyes and saw his lopsided smile, Kensi felt her heart turn over. He was the best person she knew. And if he could still look at her like that, she could try and believe him. Believing him might be the start in believing it herself.

"So do it. Believe me," Deeks said simply. Kensi laughed, a kind of unladylike snort that tugged Deeks' lips up higher.

"I'll try," Kensi replied softly. She caught his eyes again, feeling fearful. "It's not easy for me."

"I know," Deeks accepted. "But that's why you have me. To help make it easier."

Taking a deep and shaky breath, Kensi nodded slowly, wanting to accept his words. And feeling for the first time like she might be able to. When she felt stronger, she continued, wanting to get the whole story out. "After I found out he hadn't been treated I felt so guilty. I'd pushed him into that situation. And I was angry that the Corps couldn't see fit to help him after all he'd done in service to his country.

"I couldn't find Jack to ask for his forgiveness or to help him. Everything I thought I was doing to help turned out to be wrong. And I didn't know how to feel about how he'd physically hurt me. I tried to help him and instead I failed him," Kensi finished, the miserable feelings of guilt again rising uncomfortably. Deeks rested a hand against her neck, his thumb sweeping up and down against the column of her throat, his face mere inches from hers.

"I don't think it's just feeling as though you failed Jack that's bothering you," Deeks said gently. At Kensi's wary eyes, he continued. "I think you feel as though you failed yourself, too. Jack got past your defenses in a way you never expected. And when people we love betray us, that's the hardest thing to recover from. You carry it every day, even when you think you're over it. You've been carrying it since long before we met, Kensi. But I love you, and I don't want you to carry it alone."

"I don't want to carry it anymore. I'm so tired of questioning myself, whether it's my judgment about Justin in this case or whether it's about trusting you with these secrets that I should know you can hear. I don't want to be vulnerable," Kensi replied, frustrated at how she felt as though she wasn't in control. Deeks smiled fondly at her.

"But it's all a part of who you are. Even those bad experiences, those lessons you've had to endure and learn. Love makes us vulnerable, Kensi. And when you aren't sure if you can trust yourself, know that you can trust me."

"I do know that," Kensi whispered, the words easy and true. "You're the one thing I know I can trust. I love you."

Deeks felt the answering thrill at her words, her confession one he never grew tired of hearing. "And if you think about how hard that would have been for you to admit a few years ago you'd realize how far you've come. But you've also got to forgive yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. Not with Jack and not at the time."

Kensi sighed, closing her eyes and trying her best to do what she said she would, to trust Deeks' even as the part of her still with lingering doubts in the past objected. It wasn't going to happen overnight, not since she'd been living with the anger, shame, and guilt for over ten years. But maybe now that things were fully out in the open with Deeks it might happen. And that gave her hope.

Deeks' lips on her forehead and his arms pulling her close also gave her hope in ways she'd previously not been certain she deserved. She'd certainly made plans for a life with Deeks. They were getting married and she'd been able to put aside the past enough to be happy. But that ghost of Jack had always lingered. She'd ignored it for so long, kept it at bay and away from Deeks because she hadn't been able to figure out how to conquer it. But with Deeks there to help her, to reassure her, that shadow didn't seem like something to be ignored. It was a part of her past. But it was something she could finally accept and move on from.

Kensi sighed deeply, suddenly feeling tired deep down to the marrow of her bones. Her body felt limp and her brain was almost an indecipherable mess of relief and hope. But somewhere in the back of her mind was the swirling thought that it wasn't just her past and doubts they had to talk about. They still had unfinished business.

"So now that you literally know every secret I have, are you going to tell me what's really bothering you about seeing that woman the other day that reminded you of your mother?" Kensi mumbled quietly, lifting her head to look at Deeks.

"I think we should save that for another night. You look pretty beat."

"No way. You're not getting off that easy."

Deeks laughed lightly, shaking his head. "I swear, I'm not trying to get off. I'm just looking at your sleepy eyes and thinking you'll be out in about two minutes. Besides, tonight is about you. My issues will still be there in the morning."

"Promise we'll talk about it tomorrow?" Kensi asked stubbornly, not wanting to let the conversation end without extracting Deeks' word. As much as she wanted him to feel as though he could open up to her, she also wanted to help him as he'd helped her. Even if it was just by listening.

"Promise," Deeks agreed, signing his concurrence with his lips gently on hers. And Kensi melted into his embrace, barely registering as Deeks lifted her, cradling her body against his as he walked her back to the bedroom, settling her under the covers. And she stayed awake long enough to be certain that Deeks joined her in bed, the distance between them finally feeling much smaller.

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_To be continued_

**Final Note: **The song that Justin and Ronnie sing is "When You Say Nothing At All," (many versions out there but the Alison Krauss version is my favorite) and the song Deeks sings (as Chris Coleman) is "Drop To Hold You" by Matt Nathanson.


	18. Chapter 18

**Note: **Thanks for your patience between postings. Believe me when I say I'd much rather be writing than dealing with unfortunately real life things like my job. Thanks for the reviews, the alerts, favorites, and general enthusiasm. And thanks to my always awesome friend, **MioneAlterEgo**, for the always awesome beta reading. Thanks for reading, and reviewing if you do!

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It was the silent buzzing from her cell phone on the bedside table that woke her. Startling from her comfortable position sprawled halfway across Deeks' chest, Kensi winced as he mumbled quietly in his sleep. She stilled her movements against his body, reaching for the phone with one hand to answer before it rolled over to voicemail.

The cheerful, smiling face of her brother beamed at her from the screen on the phone and Kensi sat up, using her most stealthy moves to avoid disturbing Deeks, and she slipped from the bedroom, padding out towards the kitchen.

"Cody, you made it back from San Francisco okay?" Kensi whispered, realizing the last they'd heard from Cody he was planning to deliver the blood sample to the local NCIS forensics lab to see if it could be linked back to one of the murders.

"Yep, no problems. The lab has data from the Callahan murder and they'll compare the blood sample to see if it's a match. If not, they'll compare it to the other murders that line up in Griffin's timeline. We'll either rule him out or confirm he was there."

Kensi released a breath, feeling the tension in her spine ratcheting up as she realized they would still have to wait. Waiting and wondering if Justin was the serial killer they were hunting or might just be coincidentally targeted. The roiling discomfort she felt told Kensi what she hadn't been ready to admit to herself. She was far too invested in this case, and in Justin. And she didn't want him to be guilty or involved.

"When did the lab think they would have the analysis done?"

"It's Saturday, Kens. They said they'd try and get to it today."

"Did you—"

"Yes, I used the name of Henrietta Lange, and that seemed to get the analysis bumped up ahead of a few other cases. But even they can't move mountains on a weekend."

Kensi chewed on her lip, knowing they would have to wait and feeling the annoyance at the thought.

"Where are you now? Do you want to come over for breakfast?" Kensi asked, propping the phone between her ear and shoulder as she reached into the cabinet for coffee.

"Thanks, but I'm keeping an eye on Griffin."

Kensi heard the edge of tension in Cody's voice and she froze, narrowing her eyes in concern.

"You're 'keeping an eye' on him? Cody, he's seen you, he knows who you are. And he lives in nosy suburbia. I'm guessing his neighbors will notice some strange guy on a stakeout down the street."

"Relax, little sis. I'm not going to camp out here much longer. It's still early and nobody's noticed me yet. I just want to know where he is," Cody said stubbornly. "And I'm not strange."

Kensi pressed her finger to her forehead above her eyebrow, trying to keep the frustration from her voice. "Marty put a tracker on his car. We'll know if he goes anywhere. You shouldn't be there. It's risky for you and the mission."

The long pause told her that Cody understood the underlying message in her words. She knew it bothered Cody that a fellow Marine might be killing other soldiers. Just as she knew that Cody had a bit of a blind spot when it came to cases like these. But they were a team, and watching each other's blind spots, even the emotional ones, was part of the job description.

"Yeah, I know."

The quiet admission, atypical for Cody, had Kensi's jaw dropping with surprise. He didn't easily make mistakes. His one saving grace was that when confronted he did own up to them.

"So you'll get out of there? Go get some coffee or something. Come by for breakfast later," Kensi urged.

Cody sighed and she could almost see him nodding. "Yeah, okay, I will. I'm going for a run, but I'll stop by later. Callen and Sam are supposed to check in today, too."

Kensi nodded to herself, then exchanged goodbyes with Cody. After hanging up she finished pouring water and measuring coffee grounds, pushing the button on the coffee maker to begin the brewing process. She turned around and leaned against the counter, admiring the kitchen as she waited for the coffee to finish.

Justin and Deeks had made impressive progress with the cabinets, finishing their mounting and placement and topping them off with granite countertops. At the rate their undercover assignment was going they would probably be finishing in Half Moon Bay soon. As soon as they had the lab results they would know if they needed to arrest Justin or search for other suspects. They probably wouldn't be around to see the rest of the remodel finished.

Shaking her head, Kensi thought of her own kitchen in the house in Malibu and the remodel she and Deeks had completed not all that long ago. They'd bought a fixer-upper and it had taken weekends and a large chunk of their pay checks to bring the house up to what had quickly become their dream brought to life. Letting her mind wander, Kensi thought of their wedding less than two months away. And from there it wasn't a far leap to their future lives together, that family they both wanted and had talked about. And finally, to the uncertain future of how they would make it happen.

Kensi turned as the coffee maker beeped at her, and she pulled two cups from the shelf, pouring coffee, sugar and cream in the correct measurements. It was automatic and easy, almost muscle memory, to make Deeks' coffee exactly as she knew he liked it. And when Deeks' arms snaked around her waist, one hand flattening against her lower stomach while the other curled possessively around his cup of coffee, Kensi leaned back against his warm chest, hearing the low hum of contentment as he took a drag from his cup.

She let her hand drift over his forearm, her fingers lightly brushing the blond hair on his arm, feeling the turn and ripple of the muscles as his fingers lightly squeezed her hip.

"How'd you sleep?" Deeks asked, his voice low and rough next to her ear. Kensi leaned her head back, turning her nose to nuzzle against his chin. With her head nudged into his shoulder and his arm tucked around her she had to stifle the urge to sigh with contentment. There were few places as comfortable as this space within his arms.

"Really well," Kensi replied, surprising herself. Despite the high emotion of the evening before she'd slept better than she had in months. "Confession must be good for the soul."

She'd mumbled the last words, more a personal reflection than a suggestion. And she felt Deeks take a deep breath behind her, the apprehension making his spine straighten. Turning around in his arms, Kensi fixed Deeks with a pointed stare.

"You'll probably feel better if you just say it. Stop letting it roll around in there," Kensi said gently, tapping a finger lightly against his forehead, letting her fingers sift through the unruly hair nearly in his eyes.

Deeks closed his eyes briefly against her hand, bowing his head and accepting the kiss she gave him, her lips dusting his cheek. When he leaned back and opened his eyes Kensi saw the clarity as he looked at her, and the edge of concern.

"Do you remember a couple days ago when Rachel was here and Cody and I went to the brewery for lunch while you talked?" At her nod, Deeks continued. "I met this girl there, really young, not quite a teenager. She was working the counter and drawing and I stopped because I could see she had talent. Her name was Hailey and we got to talking."

Kensi nodded, not certain where Deeks was going but curious enough to listen and see where his thoughts were taking him.

"Aside from the fact that she was way too smart for her age, I also noticed she had a bruise on her arm. And it definitely came from someone grabbing her roughly," Deeks said, his lips pressing into a thin line. "And it bothered me. Because there was nothing I could do about it. Because stuff like that happens all the time. And because it reminded me of when it happened to me."

Deeks trailed off, his eyes lost in memories. Kensi hooked her fingers in the waistband of his drawstring pajamas, anchoring him back with her. She didn't speak, just locked her eyes with his and she didn't look away, didn't blink.

"It got me thinking about that offer to go work with Cal, become a lawyer again. I might be able to help people then. In a different way than we help people now."

A little startled, Kensi froze. In the last few weeks they hadn't discussed their separate job situations and what they might do once they were married and thinking about starting a family. They'd been distracted by their case and more than willing to ignore the possibility that they might eventually no longer be partners. Kensi still had Hetty's offer of becoming an intelligence analyst or forensics specialist on the table. And Deeks had the offer from his law school buddy to come work at his firm. Trying to set aside the high emotions it evocated and trying to examine the situation from a logical point of view, Kensi spoke slowly.

"It's a big decision. And I'm not saying take the job or don't take it. But you shouldn't make such a big change because of one chance encounter with a kid. Like you said, this happens all the time. You can't save everyone," Kensi said gently, knowing her words bordered on harsh, but also knowing that Deeks could have a marginal Superman complex. He wanted to help people, even when that wasn't within his power. She was by far the pragmatist in their relationship.

"I know that," Deeks said quietly, a little defensively. "But I also think about how my life would have been different if even one person who could have changed things had given a damn."

"Like your mother should have?" Kensi asked, hearing the implication of Deeks' words, and knowing he was dancing at the edge of a difficult truth.

His eyes flashing to hers, Deeks nodded quickly, his voice clipped. "She was the one person who should have given a damn but didn't. And I can't forgive her for that."

Knowing her touch would ground him, center him to her, and give him something to anchor his emotions to, Kensi ran a hand up Deeks' arm, squeezing his bicep and rubbing against the tight muscle she felt. "Do you want to forgive her?"

Deeks gave her a long and measured look. "I'm not sure. I can't forgive her right now, not with how she left me behind, how she blamed me for what happened to my father. I don't have the ability to even attempt forgiveness with how we left things. But the anger is comforting, in its own way."

Kensi's eyebrows knit together as she scrutinized Deeks. It wasn't like him to hold onto anger. He was usually quick to forgive and forget. Or at least quick to forgive and move on. But this was anger he'd been holding onto for almost twenty years. Letting go of it had to seem like an almost impossible feat.

"Wouldn't you rather have the ability to forgive? Or if you can't forgive, at least let go and move on?" Kensi asked softly. Deeks laughed mirthlessly, shaking his head.

"I honestly don't know. I think that's why seeing that woman the other day shook me. For an instant the possibility was there. If that had been my mother then I would have had the option of getting at why she left, at asking why she did it. And I couldn't even imagine what I would do. It left me completely frozen," Deeks admitted.

Deeks turned away from her slightly, bracing his arms on the kitchen counter and shaking his head. "Maybe that's what bothers me more than anything else. I've faced down hundreds of armed men and I've come close to death more times than I can count. But I've never been frozen without an idea of how to react. My instincts are completely off when it comes to my mom."

"She's your mother," Kensi said simply. "For better or worse there's no getting around that."

Deeks sighed, turning pleading eyes to Kensi's. "What do I do?"

Kensi's heart leapt painfully in her chest at the raw worry etched in the furrowed brow and slight frown on Deeks' face. Just a few days ago he'd ruthlessly pushed aside her opinion about what he should do about his mother. But a lot had changed in a short period of time. And they'd always been able to lean on each other, to depend on the opinion of their partner when the world around them was murky and confusing. And where Deeks had been the voice of reason and understanding about her history with Jack, she could try and be the same for Deeks.

"If you want to move past this, I think you need to find her. I'm not saying forgive her. That may not be possible for you. But I don't think you can process something this unresolved on your own. She may not give you the answers you want, but not trying is eating away at you," Kensi said gently, trying to be reassuring without demand. All while there was a part of Kensi that didn't want Deeks anywhere near his mother. Not if she might inflict any amount of an echo of the childhood pain that still haunted him.

"What if it just makes it worse?"

Hearing the uncertainty in his voice, Kensi lifted her chin with confidence she knew Deeks needed to see from her. "At least then you'll know. You'll have tried. And no matter what, I'll be there for you. Always."

Deeks ducked his head, a smile lifting one corner of his mouth as he reached for her hand, stroking her palm lightly with his thumb.

"I know that, Kens. That's one thing I never doubt," Deeks said, his voice strong with his belief in her. Kensi smiled gently, accepting his confidence silently. They didn't often feel the need to vocalize their strong connection, but even Kensi, as uneasy with emotions as she found herself with some people, knew that sometimes things had to be verbalized.

"And maybe putting this to rest in your mind, whatever the outcome, will help you figure out what career you want in the future," Kensi offered, not wanting to dismiss his earlier musing about returning to the law, as much as she felt disappointed at the thought. It was only matched in her uncertainty at the thought of taking a desk job with NCIS. She honestly wasn't sure which she preferred.

Neither were options she faced with excitement. The only aspect of their decision that left her breathlessly thrilled was that a job change for one of them meant children and a family with Deeks. And as dangerously looming as the change felt, the idea of hers and Deeks' children left her with determined longing. They'd realized that staying partners and putting their lives in danger wasn't a possibility if they had a family. And their partnership changing left them both a little confused and lost. But Kensi had to believe the inevitable outcome would make the change easier to accept in time.

"Have you thought any more about what you might want to do?" Deeks asked gently, keeping his voice even. They'd argued before about their mutual job offers, nearly tripping over each other to try and sacrifice their positions as NCIS agents to do what they thoughts would make the other happy. Deeks sighed and then continued, stumbling a little over his words. "I know Hetty offered to make you a forensics specialist."

"Or an intelligence analyst," Kensi murmured. Deeks nodded, his blue eyes examining as he watched her closely. She finally sighed and shrugged. "I don't really know. I don't want you to take a job that wouldn't make you happy. The only thing I know is that I want us to be together as a family."

Deeks reached for her hand, wrapping his fingers around hers and speaking softly. "Well, that's one thing we can agree on."

Kensi nodded wordlessly, knowing they wouldn't discuss the topic any further right then. There were still too many uncertainties, too many things they needed to resolve together and individually.

Clearing his throat, Deeks nodded his head towards the laptop sitting on the dining room table. "I think I'm going to access the NCIS databases and see if I can get any information on my mom."

Kensi didn't try to mask her shock, her concern for Deeks tripling in a heartbeat. Although she'd encouraged him to pursue finding his mother she still didn't like the possible outcome of him being hurt in the process. But she also knew she couldn't protect him from everything. As much as she might want to.

"Are you sure?" Kensi asked hesitantly. Deeks nodded firmly.

"Yeah, I think I need to do it now, before I talk myself out of it. And chances are I won't find her right away. But between NCIS and my contacts at the LAPD I should be able to track her down eventually."

Refilling his coffee cup, Deeks then settled down at the table, pulling up the screen to log into the secure NCIS network. Although Kensi knew she couldn't do much to actually help, she grabbed the newspaper and settled in the chair opposite Deeks', cupping her hands around her mug and trying not to be too obvious in her occasional glances at her partner.

After thirty minutes of Kensi flipping mindlessly through the crime section of the paper and the steady clicking of keyboard keys as Deeks flittered through various databases, he looked up and met Kensi's eyes, giving her a chagrined smile.

"I think this is going to take awhile. Why don't you take Monty out for a walk? He'd probably love to run on the beach," Deeks suggested. Thinking of Monty's advancing age he cocked his head to the side and amended his statement. "Or at least he'd probably like plodding down the beach and then maybe a nap."

Kensi shifted in her seat, waffling between wanting to stay as silent support for Deeks, and worried that she was hovering.

"I want to be here in case you need anything," Kensi offered insistently. Deeks smiled softly, the warmth in his eyes telling her how much he appreciated the sentiment.

"And it means a lot that you do. But this is just lots of database searches and me trying to follow a path practically before the digital age that looks like it might lead to finding my mom. I know you want to help. But I'm okay on my own for awhile."

Kensi examined Deeks closely, noting that he spoke in earnest and that perhaps a little time alone for him to process all the recent revelations about his mother might be good for him. And good for her as well. Kensi had a lot to think about in terms of their futures.

Giving Deeks a kiss before she left, Kensi murmured a promise to be back later and she couldn't resist urging him to call her if he wanted her to come back. Deeks' wry grin told her he would be okay on his own for awhile. She took comfort in how relaxed he seemed. Even though he hadn't found his mother yet he seemed at peace with the decision to move forward. It wasn't until now, seeing him at ease, that she realized how tense he had been over the last few days.

The walk to the beach was short but Kensi kept their pace at a slow stroll. Monty was past the point where he could match her jogging for more than a few minutes, and Kensi was enjoying the somewhat aimless wandering. It was rare that her life wasn't filled with scheduled events and lists of things to do. They were in a bit of limbo on their case, waiting for information so they could make decisions. Kensi tried to ignore the whisper of a feeling that it could be the calm before the storm.

Taking the walkway down to the beach, Kensi slipped off her shoes and followed Monty towards the water's edge, the loose sand becoming firm as they got closer to the lapping waves. She stood facing the ocean, a shiver chasing up her body as the cold water swirled around her ankles. The northern coastal water was decidedly chillier than southern California. But breathing in the damp, clean air, the scent of evergreen trees and the fog filling her nose, Kensi appreciated the differences from the warmer climate of the south.

She stood for a long time, the surge of the water going in and out around her feet. Unmoving, natural gravity and the soft silt of sand had her slowly sinking until her feet has disappeared from view. She wiggled her toes, pushing against the wet weight of the sand and feeling the gentle pull of the tide around her calves.

Her mind was a whirl of thoughts and Kensi tried to focus on the ups and downs of her emotions. She felt the freedom of relief, the weight from her history with Jack lifted by her confession to Deeks the night before. It wasn't just that she'd told him something that had troubled her. Although she'd never doubted Deeks, she'd had a decade to doubt herself. But after five years as partners she knew that his faith in her was truly what kept her grounded. She might be uncertain of herself but Deeks' acceptance and understanding had never been in question.

Despite their mutual breakthroughs in the last day, there was much still up in the air. Kensi still worried that she wasn't as unbiased as she should be in her view of Justin. But now she felt like Deeks could be her touchstone to pull her back or reinforce where her thoughts were going. She shook her head in amusement at herself. The distance between them had been self-imposed, and in hindsight, Kensi realized how needless it had been. They were always stronger together.

That thought brought her back around to their partnership. They weren't really any closer to deciding whether the better decision was for Deeks to return to the law, or if she should take a position at NCIS as an intelligence analyst for a forensics specialist. She'd sensed Deeks was shifting more towards the idea of a law career but Kensi was hesitantly concerned. She wanted his decision to be for the right reasons, for reasons that would make him happy. Regret was something they'd both lived with, though it had never been regret between them. And Kensi didn't want to start down that path now. Regret between her and Deeks wasn't an option.

Monty's happy bark shook her from her thoughts and Kensi followed the dog's gaze, seeing that he was greeting another dog a distance away. Squinting, Kensi recognized Oscar, Justin's dog. Kensi automatically glanced out at the waves, expecting to see Justin surfing. She quickly determined that unlikely since the waves looked as though they'd flattened from the earlier tide.

Kensi pulled her feet from the sand and began to walk north on the beach towards Oscar. Monty raced ahead of her, catching up to the German Shepherd and chasing happy circles around the other dog. Kensi casually looked around as she approached, noting Justin's surfboard on the sand, but no sign of the young man.

Leaning down to pet Oscar's head, Kensi finally heard the bark of angry voices, the wind chasing away the words but the tone was unmistakable. In almost the same instant Kensi saw Oscar's and Monty's ears swivel around, then Oscar's ears flattened against his head. Oscar was gone before Kensi could blink, but she followed quickly, navigating carefully inland over the soft sand dunes.

Reaching the crest of the dune, Kensi saw Oscar had found Justin. He was still far away from her, far enough that Kensi couldn't make out what he was saying, or the man he was talking to. Whoever he was, Justin wasn't happy to see him and their discussion appeared charged with barely restrained violence. Kensi felt her heart pound, knowing that while the encounter could be a simple misunderstanding, she couldn't ignore it. The man might very well be connected to their case.

Shielding her eyes, Kensi tried to catalog identifying features. The other man was taller than Justin, a baseball cap covering what looked like a buzz cut. Frustratingly, the hat blocked out other possible identifying features and the heavy sweatshirt and baggy pants covered the rest of him. Feeling vulnerable from her spot at the top of the dune, but realizing they hadn't seen her and any movement might clue them in, Kensi stayed riveted in place.

She didn't have long to worry about her position. She watched as the man made a grab for Justin, attempting to shake him. Justin dodged easily and shoved the man, his movements clearly defensive. And Kensi observed that although Justin might be smaller, he didn't appear intimidated. Or he was too angry to care. After another thirty seconds of words exchanged and more than what looked like threatening gestures, the other man turned with a jerk, walking swiftly for the street and a beat up truck parked along the road. As he slammed the door and sped away with a squeal of tires, Kensi noted the vehicle's make and color, though she was too far away to see the license plate, and she watched the direction the man drove.

Sensing movement out of the corner of her eye, she saw Justin as he turned back towards the beach and she noticed the instant he recognized her. His entire body froze and she saw the flight instinct try and take hold. Just as she saw him forcibly relax, saw him attempt to control his reaction. She let him take his time, let him amble up the path towards her even as she saw what a struggle it was for him.

He wanted to ignore her and run. But he recognized that would appear suspicious to someone like Angela Coleman, whom he knew socially. Kensi tried to ignore the nervous fluttering of her stomach. From her point of view as an agent his behavior was suspicious, even as he didn't realize it.

"Who was that?" Kensi asked casually, keeping her voice merely curious. Justin shook his head and tried to shrug the question off.

"Just some guy, looking for directions."

Kensi narrowed her eyes at the flimsy excuse all while wondering if Justin was really as terrible a liar as he appeared to be.

"He looked angry. Are you sure you're okay?" Kensi asked gently. "If he was hassling you maybe you should call the police."

Justin's eyes perceptibly widened and she saw his quick intake of breath, fear clearly having taken hold. And Kensi felt her heart sink. His behavior wasn't like someone innocent with nothing to be worried about. His body language clearly broadcasted guilt and fear.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about it. I gotta go," Justin mumbled, his tone bordering on anxious as he plunged his hands in his pockets and turned away from her without another word. Kensi watched him go, warring with the side of herself that wanted to go after him and demand that he tell her what was going on, and the part of her that knew she couldn't ignore the potential lead their case now had.

The consummate agent in her won out and Kensi walked swiftly towards the road, calling for Monty to follow. Once she was far enough away from Justin and the whipping wind, she pulled out her phone, quickly dialing. Kensi felt chagrined at the sleep rumpled voice on the other end, but she ploughed on.

"I'm sorry to bug you so early on a Saturday, but Eric, I need you to get to Ops," Kensi said hurriedly. She relayed the descriptive information on the man and the vehicle, satisfied as Eric quickly became alert.

"And I'll check on those lab results from the San Francisco office when I get in," Eric promised. "I'll let you know what I find out from traffic cameras on this guy. Do you really think he's involved?"

Kensi nodded to herself, feeling the edge of certainty she'd come to rely on over the years. The comfort of her instinct made the blood rush through her veins.

"I'm sure of it."

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_To be continued_


	19. Chapter 19

**Note: **Apologies for the delay. Got tied up in things. But the good news is I'm doing a writing challenge this month and making excellent progress on this story, so there should be more coming very soon. Thanks for sticking with it, and letting me know you're sticking with it! The reviews, alerts, and favorites are all much appreciated. Big thanks to **MioneAlterEgo** for the always stellar beta read. And thank you for reading, and reviewing if you do!

* * *

Hurrying up the front walk to the Colemans' house, Kensi heard the familiar and heart-tugging sound of Cody's boisterous voice, chased by Deeks' laughter. She allowed the sound to make her smile for just a moment as she entered the front door, watching two of the most important men in her life share a joke over coffee and chocolate chip pancakes.

At her feet, Monty made a snuffling noise, which caught the attention of both men. Their smiles were welcoming as Kensi came over, picking up the fork on Deeks' plate and spearing a triangle shaped piece of batter doused in maple syrup. She swallowed the sugary pancake, giving Cody a stern look.

"I like sugar but that's almost too much for me," Kensi commented wryly. Cody shrugged as he crunched on a piece of bacon.

"I have a two-year-old. He loves 'em."

Picking up Deeks' cup of coffee to take a sip, Kensi nearly choked. "You feed these to Chase? Cody, he needs more nutrition than thinly veiled dessert for breakfast! What does Rachel think about this?"

Cody's eyes slid away, avoiding her gaze as he balanced from one foot to the either. "She may not know about them. But it's our tradition, Chase's and mine. Chocolate chip pancakes on the weekend when you and Rachel go to the farmer's market."

Kensi heard the wistfulness in Cody's voice and knew he had to be missing his son. They hadn't been gone long, but even a few days in the life of a small child could mean big changes. And Kensi knew Cody was gone on assignments with the Marines and NCIS far more often than he would like.

Allowing the slight parenting transgression to pass without further comment, Kensi gave Cody an understanding smile, speaking softly. "How are Rachel and Chase doing without you?"

"They're okay. And Mom and Dad decided to stay on for awhile longer and help out. I spoke to them this morning and it sounded like they were all going to be having a lot of fun without us. Dad told me to tell Marty to look out for you."

Kensi laughed a little, hearing Deeks' chuckling behind her. Back when Robert Keppinger and Deeks had first met the General had been more than hard on Deeks, and more than a little disapproving. As he was prone to do, Deeks had won him over quickly, if for no other reason than his refusal to back down to Robert's intimidation. Her fiancé and the man she thought of as a father had managed to form a respectful and familiar relationship. Kensi knew Robert was as serious as his military bearing as a four star General had required him to be. Deeks brought out the easy, teasing side to a very serious man. But Robert also worried for her, and couldn't help the not-so-subtle reminders to his son and Deeks to watch her back.

"I'm sure he did," Kensi replied with a smile. She could allow the hovering from a distance from Robert. A few years ago she would have bristled at the perception that he didn't think she could handle herself. But she knew the motivation was rooted in love. Kensi turned to Deeks with her eyebrows raised. Anticipating her question, Deeks shook his head.

"Nothing yet on my mom's whereabouts. I was able to track her to Folsom after she left Los Angeles, but she disappeared sometime after that and after my father was killed. She may have changed her name but she'll have left a trail somewhere. I'll find it eventually," Deeks said confidently. Kensi smiled at the assurance in his tone, more relieved than she could say to see him focused on finding his mother rather than bogged down by the churned up emotions.

Remembering that Cody and Deeks were unaware of what she'd witnessed on the beach, she filled them in on Justin's confrontational encounter with the mystery man she was certain fit into their case somehow. Both men looked excited at the possible lead, though Kensi saw the answering apprehension in Deeks. He understood that this implied some level of guilt on Justin. And neither of them wanted Justin to be guilty.

"We really need that blood sample analyzed," Deeks said urgently. Nodding, Cody pulled out his phone.

"I'll call the lab and see what the status is."

Cody walked to the next room to call and Kensi watched him go, feeling Deeks' eyes watching her. Her heart felt heavy for what they might have to do to bring Justin in if he was a murderer, or if he was innocent, how they might just disappear from his life and leave him the troubled soul they'd found.

"Even if Justin is guilty, we still don't have the full story of what happened and who he might be working with," Deeks offered. "And if he's not guilty then he could still need our help."

Kensi swiveled her head to look at Deeks, blinking back the sudden stinging tears in her eyes. He really did know her better than anyone. He knew she was torn at the possibilities of guilt and innocence, and that she hoped for the latter and that she couldn't just walk away from Justin in the end. Kensi smiled, drawing comfort from the supportive smile and gentle assurance in Deeks' eyes.

"You're okay with that? Helping Justin get better treatment for his PTSD?"

"Kensi, I know that you see your empathizing with people like Justin as a weakness or distraction. But I think that's the wrong way of looking at something that makes you strong. And I'm going to make you see that," Deeks said stubbornly, bypassing any argument she might have been about to make. Faced with his absolute conviction, Kensi could only allow a nod and a small smile.

"You're not going to argue with me?" Deeks asked incredulously. Kensi shook her head.

"I long ago said I trusted you and believe you first before anything or anyone else. It's high time I followed that instinct," Kensi stated firmly.

Deeks grinned widely, taking the gift of absolute trust she was giving him with uncharacteristic silence. But there was no mistaking the pride he took from her offering. Taking advantage of his momentarily distraction, Kensi snagged half of his remaining pancake, dancing away from his arm as he reached out to grab her. Laughing from the other side of the kitchen island, Kensi chewed the pancake in three quick bites. Deeks threw back his head and laughed at her cheeks, bulged full of pancakes as she tried to furiously swallow.

"You're going to have a stomach ache later and it's going to be all your own fault," Deeks warned. "And I'm going to laugh at your pain."

Kensi affected a dismayed expression, finishing with the last bites of pancake, licking the maple syrup from her lips with a few swipes of her tongue. She felt her stomach flip as Deeks' eyes watched her lips and she knew it had nothing to do with the food she'd consumed. The growing heat that made her skin prickle almost uncomfortably reminded her of how long it had been since she and Deeks had had any moments alone together, away from their undercover assignment. Even a week seemed much too long.

"You wouldn't dare," Kensi murmured quietly, her words in response to his earlier teasing statement, but the meaning suddenly heavy with so much more. Although it wasn't as though deep down they'd ceased being the couple they truly were as Kensi and Deeks, on the surface they'd become a different kind of couple as Angela and Chris Coleman. And Kensi missed the feel of her fiancé's hands gliding over her skin. The flash in his eyes and the darkening blue turned to an almost rich green caused an involuntary shudder and Kensi realized she was taking a step towards him and he towards her before she had the deliberate thought to do so.

"It's way too quiet in here with none of the usual bickering, so I'm coming in with my hand over my eyes, just in case I might be _interrupting_ something I'd rather not see."

Cody's wry voice had Kensi turning her head, snapping the transfixed gaze she'd shared with Deeks. She covered her mouth and held in the laugh threatening to escape as Cody did indeed cautiously enter the kitchen, his large hand covering both eyes.

"It's fine, Cody," Kensi admonished.

Deeks grumbled quietly in her ear. "Another few minutes and there might have been something to interrupt."

Kensi shot Deeks an apologetic smile, but with her mind shifting back to the case she turned to Cody immediately, reaching up to his wrist to pull his hand away so he would open his eyes.

"Did you find if the blood sample was a match?"

Cody shook his head. "They're still waiting for the results. But while I was on the phone I got a text from Eric. He has some intel on what you saw on the beach. And Sam and Callen are in Portland and Hetty wants everyone to check in. We've got thirty minutes to get to the marina."

Responding to Cody's implicit order to reconvene at the boat in the marina where they could video conference with NCIS in Los Angeles and Sam and Callen in the Pacific Northwest, Deeks got dressed quickly while Kensi cleaned the remains of breakfast in the kitchen. Cody left before them, allowing their group to split up, and Kensi and Deeks took along empty shopping bags, looking every bit like the couple out to hit up a few Saturday farmers' markets.

Arriving at the boat, Kensi crowded around the screen with Cody and Deeks, exchanging pleasantries with the rest of the team.

"Where is Mr. Griffin now?" Hetty asked as the opening to their briefing. Checking the tracking app on the laptop, Cody nodded to their boss. "He's in town, on the north side. I think there's a Home Depot there."

Hetty nodded, her lips tight with concern the only indication that she was at all unsettled. "Very good. Mr. Callen and Mr. Hanna, please report that you have conclusive evidence tying Mr. Griffin to the murders in Portland and Seattle, or at the very least to an accomplice you have identified by name."

Kensi had to swallow the smile that threatened to lift the corners of her lips. Although Hetty was a professional with decades of clandestine experience she'd only hinted at and the rest of the team could only speculate about, she'd become more than attached to her team. And even when she understood the necessities of undercover work that took them to far off or dangerous places, as the years had flitted by she'd grown more impatient with her team scattered to the corners of the country. It wasn't unlike a mother who wanted her children home for the holidays. Of course Hetty would object to such a comparison.

"Sorry, Hetty, I wish we had better news. We have inconclusive evidence. The death of the Colonel in Seattle was under suspicious circumstances. We're in Portland now, just tying up investigating the First Lieutenant killed during a hit and run." Callen replied, the gruffness of his tone and the way he shoved his hands in his pockets communicating the mounting frustration he felt.

"Their GWOT coins are missing," Sam offered, knowing the possible trophies were their telltale clue that had tied the murders together so far.

"Both deaths, when examined as possible murders rather than accidental, appear to have taken premeditation and planning," Callen replied. "And we know that Griffin has holes in his known timeline that show he could have been here for the murders."

Kensi rubbed her forehead at the troubling words, not wanting to jump to the conclusions that just seemed to be proven with each new piece of evidence. "But nothing that explicitly ties him to the murders?"

Callen and Sam exchanged a quick glance, communicating in that silent way that made sense to nobody but them.

"It's all circumstantial at this point," Callen admitted.

From OSP, Eric chimed in. "I'm searching all the local surveillance near where the other two possible murders occurred. Nothing to tie Griffin yet. But considering how far outside the timeline for Lieutenant Colonel Callahan's murder it was that we spotted Griffin's vehicle on the traffic cameras, it broadens the search time and multiplies the amount of footage to review."

"We don't have any record of Griffin flying or using a credit card around the times of the murders in Portland and Seattle," Nell said, referring back to her tablet for information. "In fact, we don't have any record of him anywhere. It's like he dropped off the planet during those times."

Sam shrugged the possibly contrary evidence away. "Doesn't mean much. Seattle is a long drive from Half Moon Bay, but it can be done in a day. Portland is even closer. He could have been there and back in a weekend. And he could have used cash."

"Keep looking, Mr. Beale," Hetty ordered. With a hurried nod, Eric turned back to his computer to continue his searching. The silence over the video conference was punctuated only by the light tapping of Eric's keyboard and Kensi watched Hetty, waiting with anticipation for what their leader would order.

It would be a simple thing, a precaution really, to bring Justin in now. They had some evidence, although circumstantial, that he was involved in the murders. But it would blow the carefully constructed undercover she and Deeks had woven if they picked up Justin for questioning. And if there appeared to be someone he was working with, arresting Justin might tip someone off and into hiding. Kensi tried to consider all angles but she waited for Hetty's word, knowing that their leader would see the situation from points of view Kensi hadn't considered. As usual, Hetty didn't disappoint.

"Mr. Hanna, Mr. Callen, I think it's time you joined the rest of the team in Half Moon Bay."

Nodding briskly, Callen clearly approved. "You got it. We'll get the next flight out to San Francisco."

Kensi released the breath she'd been holding as she felt dread seep into her stomach. "You want us to bring him in."

Her words had been matter-of-fact, but anyone would have heard the resignation. Kensi knew it gave her away but she couldn't help it. She really didn't want to think of Justin as capable of such violent murders.

"Not yet, Ms. Blye," Hetty replied. As Kensi blinked in surprise, Hetty continued to explain. "There is no reason for Mr. Hanna and Mr. Callen to continue their cross country adventure. But once we have the lab results we will decide the next course of action with Mr. Griffin."

"What should we do here?" Cody asked, fidgeting slightly next to Kensi. She almost nudged him in the ribs with her elbow. He always had to be doing something. Sitting and waiting had never been Cody's forte.

"Mr. Keppinger and Mr. Deeks, I suggest you mine through the data you acquired from Mr. Griffin's computer. Ms. Blye, it wouldn't hurt if you did a little investigating of the people in Mr. Griffin's life. Perhaps see if you can gather some insight we haven't considered."

Kensi smiled gratefully at Hetty, knowing she'd been given a gift. Although Hetty had every reason to suspect Justin of the murders, she was allowing for the possibility of another explanation. And she was allowing Kensi the chance to follow up and prove right her gut feeling that Justin wasn't capable of murder.

"I'll go to the coffee house and see if I can talk to Ronnie. Other than her and the mystery guy from the beach this morning I haven't seen or heard of Justin interacting with anyone else," Kensi admitted. Deeks' hand, squeezing her shoulder with reassurance, caught her attention. And his eyes, full of comforting encouragement, reinforced her belief that she wasn't crazy to want to prove Justin's innocence.

"It's a start," Deeks said strongly, his eyes never wavering from hers. Kensi nodded in agreement, glancing over to see Cody's wary nod. She knew he didn't necessarily trust Justin. And she knew Cody worried about her, probably more than he should. But he tried not to interfere unless he truly felt like she was in danger. It was restraint she demanded and appreciated in equal measure.

With everyone focused on specific tasks, Kensi bid the others goodbye, climbing up on the deck of the boat with Deeks following behind, pausing on the stairwell leading to the cabin. Standing above him and cupping his face in her hands, Kensi smoothed her hands over his jaw, leaning down to kiss the surprised smile on his face.

"What was that for?" Deeks asked quietly.

Kensi shrugged, realizing she didn't really have an answer. "No reason."

Her reply actually made him smile wider, and he followed her up on deck and wrapped his arms around her waist in a rib crushing hug that lasted only a few seconds but lifted her off her feet. And when he turned her around and settled her down on the dock next to the boat, Kensi had to reach out to grasp the bow of the boat to steady herself. Gravity and the pull of the ocean's tide on the dock under her feet might have had something to do with how off balance she was. But even Kensi knew it had more to do with Deeks.

"Don't forget to check in every two hours," Deeks demanded. Kensi rolled her eyes once, knowing her annoyance would secretly delight him.

"Yes, mom."

Deeks laughed and Kensi turned to go, looking back only when she'd reached the shore. She saw Deeks still on the deck of the boat, watching her depart and she waved before turning towards her car, getting in and heading south to the coffee house.

It was late morning by the time she arrived. The café was quiet, with only a few customers occupying the chairs and sofas scattered about. Kensi automatically swept the room with her eyes, realizing she was falling into her training as an agent. Her gaze locked on Oscar, his leash tying him to one of the supporting columns in the café, head resting on his paws as he watched Ronnie with forlorn, longing eyes.

Kensi thought quickly, wondering why Oscar was in the coffee house but Justin was across town. She stepped towards the main counter, examining Ronnie with a practiced eye. And Kensi could immediately tell the younger woman was definitely not okay.

Ronnie was pale, her skin an unhealthy white that spoke to shock rather than sickness. Kensi's eyes narrowed on Ronnie's hands, busily emptying spent coffee grounds from the espresso machine, but the slight tremor was unmistakable. As if she noticed and rejected the weakness, Ronnie finished dumping the coffee grounds and shook her hands once, then twice, almost as if she was trying to shove the tremors away.

It was just a hunch, but Kensi had a feeling Ronnie's distress had something to do with Justin. In the past week Kensi had spent a fair amount of time watching the people around Justin, determining that most were people who didn't know him and he didn't know. He was a loner in the community and he kept to himself. Ronnie was the one exception. She was probably the one person who knew Justin best, who wanted a connection with him beyond a simple acquaintance even if he didn't allow her as close as she might like. Ronnie had the kind of optimism that Kensi might have earlier in her life thought naïve. But Kensi had come to admire that kind of hope. And Ronnie definitely carried that hope when she looked at Justin. It was hope wrapped up in longing and covered in a thin layer of worry. It couldn't be dismissed as casual and could only be explained as love. But Kensi worried that Ronnie might be easily hurt by, or at the very least easily sensitive to, the complexities of PTSD that made Justin who he was.

"Hey, Ronnie. How's it going?" Kensi asked easily, keeping her tone friendly as she approached the register. Ronnie's head snapped up and her eyes, though a little dazed and unfocused, seemed to fix on Kensi.

"Angela. Um, I'm okay. Can I get you something?" Ronnie asked hurriedly. With that, Kensi definitely knew something was wrong. Ronnie, being a genuinely kind and curious person, never failed to pepper her with a million questions about her life.

Kensi kept her eyes on Ronnie, letting the silence of her pointed gaze fall around them. Silence made many people uncomfortable. Especially people who had something to hide. Kensi watched the silence work on Ronnie, watched her fidget, and she felt a stab of guilt at the manipulation. It might be a tactic that worked, but Kensi still hated using it on innocent people who fell into the periphery of her undercover work.

"Ronnie, what's wrong?" Kensi finally asked softly, offering Ronnie a comforting smile. Taking a deep breath, Kensi watched as Ronnie tried to remain stoic, and then crumbled so easily under the weight of her emotions.

"It's Justin. Something's wrong with him," Ronnie whispered, her eyes filling with tears.

"What do you mean? What happened?"

"He came in here a little while ago and he was upset about something. I tried to get him to talk to me but he brushed me off. I pushed him a little and it was like he snapped or something. He yelled at me," Ronnie said quietly, the hurt making her voice tremble. "He's never gotten so angry with me before. With anyone."

Kensi took a deep breath, knowing how easily it was to take anger from someone you loved personally, even when it wasn't really directed at you. And it was infinitely harder for someone like Ronnie, sensitive and without experience knowing where Justin's anger was rooted.

"I don't think it had much to do with you," Kensi said gently. "You know that he struggles with coming to terms with his time as a Marine, right?"

Kensi offered the words, wanting to provide Ronnie some comfort but recognizing that as much as she might have answers that would make Ronnie feel better, she couldn't divulge the details.

Ronnie nodded, the jerky movement making her short red hair bob. "I know. And I know he lost his friend over there. But I was just trying to help him. That's all I want to do."

Hearing the painful echo in Ronnie's words, not unlike the ones she'd thought when she'd been with Jack, Kensi took a deep breath.

"You have to realize you may not be able to help him. You may not be enough. But there is help out there, help he might need," Kensi replied. She fought the words a little, trying to find that perfect balance between what her personal experience taught her and how it tainted her. Justin wasn't Jack. But he needed help all the same. "He's not alone and you just have to keep reminding him of that. And once he's getting help you have to be ready to accept everything about him, the good and the bad."

Kensi kept her voice cautious, even tried to layer the warning in her voice. But the eagerness and hope in Ronnie's face couldn't be mistaken. And Kensi felt a sharp pang of regret for the younger woman. She recognized love when she saw it. And Ronnie clearly felt love for Justin.

Kensi wanted to warn her about what she might be getting into, about how she was leaving herself vulnerable and open to hurt. They were words of warning Kensi wished she could tell her younger self. Even with that wish Kensi knew her younger self wouldn't have listened to anyone trying to steer her away from the inevitable crash landing of hurt with Jack. So although it went against her instinct to help Ronnie avoid pain, Kensi kept silent, trying to ignore the warning bells chiming in the back of her mind.

* * *

Deeks took a deep breath of air as he climbed above deck, calling to Cody below that he was going to stretch his legs. It had only been an hour since Kensi left but sixty minutes stuck inside the cramped cabin pouring over mindless data from Justin Griffin's computer had left Deeks antsy.

Jumping down the dock, Deeks wobbled a little as the floating wood swayed underneath him. Quickly gaining his balance, Deeks turned automatically towards the ocean and the crisscross of dock walkways that would take him closer to the open sea. Or at least the open bay that led out to the sea.

He wasn't really paying attention until he was almost upon her. Sitting on the edge of the dock, her legs crossed underneath her and a thick pad of drawing paper propped in her lap and a blue colored pencil in her hand was Hailey, the teenager Deeks had met in the brewery a few days earlier.

The set of her shoulders was tense, the swipes of her pencil across the paper leaving dark gashes and deep grooves of brilliant blue. A frustrated sigh escaped and Hailey ripped the page from the pad, balling it up and tossing it behind her where it bounced to a stop between Deeks' feet. Deeks watched with interest as Hailey squared her shoulders, straightened, then her posture loosened as she lifted her head to stare out at the ocean. And when she began to draw again, her strokes lighter and practiced, Deeks could see the horizon and the ocean begin to take form under Hailey's hand.

Not wanting to startle her, Deeks cleared his throat, shuffling up next to Hailey, but far enough away so that she wouldn't feel threatened. Turning sharply towards him, Hailey's brown eyes widened in surprise before she squinted, clearly recognizing him.

"Hey, I know you. You were in the brewery the other day," Hailey paused, then she smiled shyly. "You let me talk about Michelangelo."

Grinning, Deeks nodded. When he gestured to the space next to her and Hailey shifted to give him room, Deeks sat down, slipping his flip flops off and letting his feet dangle in the water. Turning slightly towards Hailey, he held out his hand. "I'm Chris. And you're Hailey?"

She took his hand easily, her hand small within his, the pencil she'd held caught against his palm and hers. Hailey nodded, trying to push a strand of wind blown hair out of her eyes and behind her ear. Deeks noticed how easily comfortable she was with him. She had the confidence and independence of someone used to looking out for herself, used to making her own decisions. Or at least she was adept at putting on a very convincing façade of assured self-reliance.

He tried not to second-guess her behavior too much. He saw the yellowing bruise on her arm, the clear evidence he'd noticed a few days earlier that told him someone had hurt her. She was much less skittish around a stranger than he would have expected from a kid who had been abused. His mind whirled at what that might mean, even as he tried to tell himself not to read too much into her situation, whatever it might be.

Deeks couldn't help it though. He wondered if Hailey had a mother who turned and looked the other way while her father hurt her. He wondered if Hailey's mother got angry and took it out on her daughter. He wondered if Hailey had a foster parent who took advantage of a system too overwhelmed to pay attention. He wondered if any of Hailey's teachers had noticed the bruises on her arms of if she was as good at hiding her injuries as he had been at an even younger age.

And he tried to remind himself that he couldn't save everyone. But looking at the young girl next to him, so full of talent with her life ahead of her and roadblocks he could imagine all too well, Deeks wanted to help her. Even if it was just by listening.

"You're really good at drawing," Deeks remarked, gesturing to the carefully textured curl of a wave that Hailey had illustrated. "Do you sell your drawings?"

Hailey's snort of laughter was disbelieving and instantaneous. "Who would buy these? They're not any good."

His eyes narrowing at Hailey's tone, full of bitter sadness, which clued him in that Hailey might not be as unaffectedly independent as he'd initially thought. There was an echo of something in her voice, of having been told and of having the very words she was parroting back to him drilled into her.

"I would buy one. You draw the ocean like someone who knows it, knows how it moves and how the light can play through the waves. You draw the ocean like you love it," Deeks observed, watching as the wariness left Hailey's eyes and she softened under his words, her nod of agreement slight.

"I do love the ocean," Hailey said softly. She looked west towards the bright sun, turning on its trajectory to begin to dip towards to horizon as the afternoon wore on. "I've lived most of my life. I can't imagine being anywhere else."

On the surface Hailey's words sounds comfortable, as if she was any young kid who loved her hometown. But as Deeks watched her profile, saw her eyes turn troubled and heard the note of discouragement in her voice, he thought there might be an underlying message. Hailey felt limited with her life. Being unable to picture her life elsewhere could be as much about feeling trapped as it could be about being happy with where she was.

But he thought back to how Kensi had voiced her earlier fears. She'd worried that her experiences with Jack had irrevocably altered her point of view where those suffering from PTSD were concerned. Deeks didn't have that fear. He knew with absolute clarity that his view of the world was changed by the physical abuse he'd endured and seen as a child and the emotional abandonment from his own family. He couldn't change that, but he could be aware of it. And he could use it as much as a tool rather than as a weapon that could hurt him.

"I grew up in a big city, not far from the ocean," Deeks offered, speaking of his own childhood while remembering that Chris Coleman was born and raised on the east coast. "It took me awhile to adjust to somewhere new by moving here but it helped that I wasn't alone. My wife and I came here a few weeks ago. Everything is easier when you have someone along with you."

Hailey nodded eagerly. "I have my mom. It's always been her and me." Hailey's eyes clouded darkly and her mouth tightened to a thin line. "But she also has Bill."

His heart pounding with a certainty he didn't want to believe was true, Deeks prodded gently. "Who is Bill?"

"My mom's husband. She married him a couple of years ago. He works on a fishing boat so he's not always around," Hailey replied, the relief at her last statement clear in her voice.

"And your dad?"

Shrugging carelessly, Hailey proceeded to pick up a green colored pencil, weaving the color into her blue ocean waves. "He's long gone, way before I was born. Mom says we're better off. But now, with Bill, I don't see how."

Deeks heard the quiet confession in her young voice, the resigned acceptance, and the unhappiness that was just a part of everyday life for Hailey. She couldn't want a different life because she couldn't comprehend it. And Deeks couldn't accept that in someone so young.

"Hailey, is it Bill who hurt you?" Deeks asked, trying to maintain a calm voice even as everything in him wanted to demand answers, most specifically where he could find the man who had grabbed her hard enough to leave bruises.

Hailey's reaction was instantaneous. And Deeks realized his concerned question would fail to draw Hailey out in the way he'd hoped. Her eyes immediately shuttered and in every way she recoiled. She looked at him suspiciously, turning her body away, her earlier, easy moments of drawing and sitting next to him casually gone.

"I never said anything about Bill hurting me. Nobody hurts me, there's nothing wrong," Hailey replied, her voice rising in a desperate tempo that told him loud and clear her protests were a shield. Her movements turning hurried, Hailey began packing her drawing supplies into her bag. But just as certain as he was that Hailey was lying to him, he also knew he wouldn't be able to reach her. Not now while she was on the defensive.

"Hailey, you don't have to leave, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," Deeks tried to reassure her, tried to shift back to the friendly guy who had so easily put Hailey at ease. As she shook her head and scrambled to her feet, Deeks felt the discomfort settling low in his stomach. It was already too late to reach her.

"No, it's fine. I just—I have to go. My mom will be looking for me and I have schoolwork and I'm supposed to help at the brewery counter—"

Knowing it wouldn't do any good to try and stop or follow her, Deeks let Hailey go, her swift walk away full of teenage awkwardness. He swore softly to himself, feeling worried and lost for Hailey. He'd only wanted to help. But he'd misjudged the situation, or misjudged Hailey, or reacted too quickly and with too much emotion. He might be able to fix it later, but as his phone rang and Deeks saw it was Cody calling, he had a feeling Hailey would have to wait.

"Get back here, we've got a problem."

Using the leverage of his hand braced on a nearby piling, Deeks was on his feet with one quick move, immediately turning back towards Cody's boat.

"What did you find?"

"It's not what I've found. Griffin is on the move. It looks like he's heading for San Francisco."

* * *

_To be continued_


	20. Chapter 20

**Note: **I post this chapter with a certain amount of trepidation, considering the ending could very well get my flamed. And I thought about changing it and not going this particular direction in this story. But I had some great advice from **MioneAlterEgo**, who urged me to go with what the characters were telling me. And they told me to do this. So I decided to go with my gut. **Tilly33**, you were right ;) There's lots more to come in terms of character angst, action, and of course, romance. Thank you for the reviews, favorites, and alerts, they are always much appreciated even if I suck at responding to them individually. Thanks for reading, and on with the story!

* * *

Jumping on board Cody's boat, Deeks grabbed the railing outside the cabin, swinging his body towards the stairwell below. He leapt down the stairs, nearly crashing into Cody at the bottom. Deeks breathed heavily, immediately meeting Cody's eyes as the other man spoke in a hurried and clipped voice into his cell phone.

"Understood. I'll brief Kensi and Deeks."

Hanging up the phone, Cody instantly turned towards his computer, wordlessly pulling up the tracking software on the screen so Deeks could see. Deeks watched as the pulsing dot, indicating Justin's truck, moved north on Highway 1 along the coast towards San Francisco.

"How far away is he from San Francisco?" Deeks asked tersely.

"Twenty, thirty minutes tops."

"Maybe he's going to an appointment at the VA. Or a home repair job," Deeks suggested hopefully, wanting anything but the most likely scenario to be true.

Cody shook his head, his lips a firm, troubled line. "Doubtful. It's pretty late on a Saturday for a patient appointment at the VA. And the weekend makes the possibility of a contracting job unlikely. The only other times that we know of that he's left Half Moon Bay have lined up with a murder being committed."

Deeks nodded grimly, unable to fault Cody's logic.

"What's going on? Are we going after him?" Deeks asked impatiently. He didn't particularly want to think Justin guilty but there was the larger concern of a murderer on the loose.

"We're staying put at the moment. The only two ranks the killer is missing from his targets are a three star and a four star, a Lieutenant General and a General. Eric is running a check to figure out how many current and former Marines who fit those ranks are in the Bay Area. They're harder ranks to achieve so the numbers will be fewer. But San Francisco is also heavily populated, with a lot of former military installations. We're probably still looking at a dozen enlisted and retired personnel."

"Okay, but while Eric's doing that, why are we staying here?" Deeks asked, pressing forward with his need for action, with his need to solve the case.

Cody checked his watch. "Callen and Sam are landing at SFO right now. They'll get a car and be able to follow Griffin wherever he goes. At best if he's just on a weekend trip to the city they can follow at a distance and Griffin won't know who they are. At worst, if he's going after another target they'll be able to stop him."

"Or if he's going to meet his partner. Or maybe he just knows the murderer. We still don't know if he's directly linked to the other murders," Deeks pointed out. Cody's eyes flashed and the look on his face wasn't nearly as triumphant as it should have been, considering the next words from his mouth brought their case closer to conclusion.

"Actually we do. Right before I saw Griffin was leaving town I got a call from the San Francisco NCIS forensics lab. The blood we found on Griffin's shoes yesterday was a match for Lieutenant Colonel Jason Callahan. Justin Griffin was there when he was killed."

The dismayed gasp from the stairwell had both men turning to see Kensi coming down from above deck. Kensi immediately looked to Deeks, the gesture so intuitive to search him out for the comfort in his eyes. Watching as a myriad of emotions flew across Kensi's face, starting with disbelief before moving to disappointment and finally settling on uneasy acceptance, Deeks kept his gaze on her steady and strong. As much as neither of them wanted to see Justin confirmed as directly involved in the murders, it was impossible to refute this new evidence.

Deeks watched Kensi, waiting to see how she would react to the news. Her emotional reaction was one thing, but her ability to put aside those emotions and do her job was what was at stake. Deeks knew she was strong enough to do that, even if Kensi had privately voiced her concerns to him. Just as he knew she would need him to be there to remind her if she continued to doubt herself.

But just as she'd been doing for years, she both lived up to every expectation he'd ever had of her and managed to surprise him. Lifting her chin, the muscles of Kensi's jaw clenched and she allowed a beat of silence as she closed her eyes for a long, thoughtful second. To anyone else it wouldn't have looked like much, that extra breath. But to Deeks it was Kensi pulling herself together, as the agent he knew her to be and the woman he was continually impressed by.

"So now we know Griffin is connected. What do we do now?" Kensi asked, her voice firm and unyielding as steel. Deeks felt a twinge at her tone, and at her intentional use of Justin's last name. She'd used Justin's first name for days now, even when she and Deeks were alone, and it didn't escape him that switching to his last name was probably an attempt at emotional distance. Deeks knew it was a method of coping, the separation and professional walls, just as he knew that it didn't address the underlying reality of what Kensi was now facing.

It was a form of betrayal to have her instincts turned on their head. Deeks was long familiar with the betrayal he'd faced as a cop and an agent. Lies and subterfuge were currency. And they were easier to face coming from other people over the betrayal of finding your thoughts, certainties, and absolute truths about yourself were wrong. Or at the very least, in question. And Deeks worried that Kensi would question herself, would see Justin's involvement in the murders as confirmation that her judgment was not what it should have been.

As if sensing his worry emanating from him and in her direction, Kensi offered Deeks a small but resigned smile. "I'm okay, Marty. I'm not going to hide in a corner and cry a puddle of tears over being wrong. I still think there's more to the story about how Griffin is involved. But we won't know until we take the next step."

Turning pointedly to Cody, Kensi raised her eyebrows in question. Cody's eyes shifted from Kensi to Deeks, trying to gauge the conversation. He cleared his throat to respond, but Eric's voice coming from the laptop stopped him.

"Guys, it looks like Griffin is parking in Daly City. Callen and Sam are on their way. They'll catch up to him within ten minutes."

"Eric, are there any traffic cameras or anything to follow him in case he ditches his car?" Cody asked. On screen, Eric shook his head.

"He's in the suburbs now. Half a mile back I caught him on a camera and confirmed it was only him in the car. But that's the best I have on his location now. If he crosses through another major intersection on foot I might catch him."

"What about known Lieutenant Generals and Generals within a few miles of where Griffin's car is?" Deeks asked.

Nodding to himself, Eric tapped his tablet and a list appeared on the laptop screen. "I'm still trying to tabulate a list. The VA records are outdated. But there are several."

"Too many to send the police out to canvas the area," Kensi murmured, seeing the long list of names scroll past on the screen.

"This is ridiculous. We need to lock down that neighborhood," Cody said with frustration. "A Marine's life is in danger with Griffin on the loose."

"Thank you for the reminder, Mr. Keppinger," Hetty's dry voice might have made lesser men squirm. But Cody merely held his ground, lifting his chin.

"With respect, Hetty, this is an unacceptable risk to take. We can be there in forty-five minutes and we can back Sam and Callen up," Cody said firmly.

"You're objection is noted. But there are operational concerns at stake. Although Justin Griffin has been tied to one murder and is likely associated with others, without a doubt he has a partner. Eight men are dead and we cannot allow whoever else may be responsible to go free. As of this moment we only have confirmation on half of this alleged serial killing team. Maintaining your covers is of import until Mr. Hanna and Mr. Callen can learn more."

Cody paused for a moment, then allowed a single jerking nod of his head. Deeks knew it wasn't easy for Cody, waiting when everything in him told him to take action. But he'd voiced his concern and Hetty, as his commanding officer, had given him an order. And Cody would always follow orders.

"Sam and Callen have Griffin's vehicle in Daly City," Eric interrupted.

"_The hood's still warm. He couldn't have gone far." _

Sam's voice was measured and Deeks could imagine him looking around, trying to determine which direction Justin might have gone. He didn't have to imagine long; at Hetty's behest Callen turned on the button camera he was wearing, dividing the laptop screen into equal parts OSP and Callen's view of his partner on the streets of Daly City.

Eric's excited voice broke into the line. "Sam, Callen, he's less than a mile from your location. A traffic camera caught him walking through an intersection."

Kensi stood, beginning to anxiously circle the rear of the boat cabin, nervously chewing her thumbnail as they listened to Sam and Callen take off in pursuit of Justin.

"There aren't any known officers with the correct ranks living within a one mile radius of where Griffin presently is," Nell butted in, her voice frustrated and confused. "How is that possible?"

"Where are you going?" Deeks pondered quietly, watching the twin dots on the screen that represented Callen and Sam move purposefully through suburban San Francisco and Callen's camera gave a jarring view as he ran. So much about their case made no sense and didn't add up. Deeks knew in the end, as Nate had suggested back before their undercover operation began, that it would all become clear at the end as motives were understood and the true story was revealed. But right then, with nothing but unanswered questions and a life potentially on the line, it felt like a maddening mystery.

The gunshots over the comm caused Kensi, Deeks, and Cody to freeze as if the shots had been where they were, rather than twenty miles north. Two gunshots, echoing through a quiet neighborhood.

"_Shots fired! They came from a few streets over. Sam and I are in pursuit."_

Kensi positively itched with wanting to be with Callen and Sam in that moment. Callen's voice was commanding as she imagined him and Sam purposefully chasing Justin down. She met Deeks' eyes across the cabin and saw that wish echoed in the worried set of his face.

Over the comm line they listened to the labored breathing as Callen and Sam followed the sound of the gunshots. Kensi flinched at the sound of one more gunshot and felt her stomach threaten to heave. Deeks' hand cupping the back of her neck, threading into her hair, gave her something to focus on. She closed her eyes, unable to stop the images that appeared like a movie in front of her. She could so easily imagine Callen and Sam, having watched them, flanked them, and covered them for years. But so far away it felt almost impossible to bear. Her imagination conjured up images of her friends in worst case scenarios.

"Kensi, open your eyes," Deeks whispered in her ear. Kensi did as he urged and she focused on the laptop screen, seeing what Callen and Sam saw. Deeks knew her so well, knew that as much as she might not want to be far away and watching what was happening to their friends, she needed to see it. Her imagination would always conjure up nightmare images. And Kensi knew it had to be driving Deeks crazy to be so far away. They were all a family. Being separated from family when they needed you was torture.

Kensi swallowed thickly, watching the world through Callen's view. The suburban neighborhood flew by as Callen ran, then tilted wildly as he turned sharply up the walkway of a small, tidy bungalow. Callen flattened himself against the right wall of the front door and Kensi watched as Sam took position on the other side, nodding once.

"_Federal agents! Open the door!"_

A beat of silence followed, then Callen reached out to try the door handle. When it didn't give, Callen stepped back and covered Sam as the larger man kicked the door open, the thin wood giving easily under his weight. Callen's view turned and jerked sharply as he followed Sam into the house, his gun raised and aimed in front of him as the agents swept the house.

The sound of movement above had Callen and Sam looking up, then taking the narrow stairs to the second floor.

"_NCIS! Identify yourself!"_

Sam yelled the warning, which was answered by a weak voice calling for help.

The view on the camera was blinded for a second as Callen followed Sam into a bedroom and the sun shined in through a window. As the camera focused again, Kensi's eyes widened at the sight on the screen.

Face up on the floor was a middle-aged man, casually dressed, with two bullet holes in his chest. Blood covered his upper body and was pooled in the carpet around him. But almost equally horrifying was the sight of Justin Griffin leaning over the man, trying to staunch the flood of blood with a towel, his hands and clothes coated in red splashes. Dimly, Kensi had the odd thought that it looked like paint, spilled in some sort of accidentally botched house remodel.

Justin looked up as Callen and Sam entered, his eyes tired and his face deathly pale. He almost didn't look surprised to see them. Kensi felt her stomach drop at the haunted look in Justin's eyes, as if he'd seen the shadow of his own death face to face. Although Sam ordered Justin to raise his hands, he shook his head resolutely.

"_I—I can't. He'll bleed out if I let go."_

Sam kept his gun trained on Justin and Callen crouched down to check the vitals of the man on the floor. Close up on the camera the wounds looked even more deadly and final, a bullet to the chest and one to the throat. And with the pale, waxy color of the man's face, Kensi knew the answer before Callen spoke.

"_He's already long gone."_

When Callen's camera swung back around to take in Justin, Kensi watched as the young man's face crumpled in defeat and he fell back on the floor. Warning bells went off in Kensi's head as she realized there was more going on than surprise or disappointment. Callen leaned over and Kensi could see Justin was unconscious. Callen found the injury quickly, a gunshot wound in Justin's stomach.

Kensi raised a hand to cover her mouth, unable to stifle the cry of surprised horror. She couldn't tear her eyes away or stop listening as Callen tried to staunch the flow of blood and Sam called the paramedics and police. She didn't want to feel it, the surge of hurt and pain. She didn't want loss associated with Justin, didn't want to think of him dying and feel regret and worry. She didn't want the feelings but they were there despite her desperate wish that they didn't exist.

Before she knew what was happening, Kensi was climbing and running, putting space between the grotesque images on the screen and the very final conclusions surging through her mind. She burst out onto the boat deck, clutching the rigging around the mast and taking deep, gulping breaths of fresh air.

The cool sea air blew around her, turning the dampness on her cheeks to ice and Kensi tried to breathe through the waves of guilt, anger, and worry. And when Deeks' hands settled on her shoulders, turning her gently towards him, she easily let go of the rough threads of rope that had been biting into her hands and she gripped his shoulders tightly as if he'd become her anchor. And through it all she registered that Deeks held her just as tightly, as if he needed her to keep his balance.

* * *

The tears dried quickly, helped in part by burrowing her face into Deeks' shoulder and the soft fabric of his shirt. Deeks seemed to intuitively know they were worried tears and she felt no shame at him seeing them, even turned her face towards his as he leaned down to kiss her forehead and swiped his thumbs across her cheekbones.

The gesture was gentle and comforting and Kensi breathed deeply, relaxing her fingers where they'd been bunched into Deeks' shirt, flattening her palms on his chest.

"You okay?" Deeks whispered, his voice devoid of judgment, almost merely curious in his query. She smiled in relief, turning her head slightly away so he couldn't see. Deeks would probably never fully understand what his easy acceptance communicated. That he might be worried about her, but that he didn't let that overwhelm him. He let her call the shots and he never underestimated her. And most important, he let her feel. Whatever it was that she was feeling.

Most of all, the dominant feeling she couldn't wish away, Kensi felt guilt and worry for their team. And no matter what Justin had done, as irrational as it might have been, she felt responsible for Justin. She knew there were operational reasons to keep her, Deeks, and Cody away when Sam and Callen had been following Griffin, but she didn't like it. Kensi knew Sam could look after Callen and vice versa. But they were all a team, and Kensi realized as she'd watched her friends, her family, going into a dangerous situation, that she couldn't quite bear the thought of permanently not being a part of that. It was the first solid inkling she'd felt about her future with NCIS, that perhaps a desk job wouldn't be satisfying for her. The sidelines weren't really her style. And Kensi knew her realization couldn't have come at a worse time, considering she and Deeks couldn't possibly discuss it right then.

"I'm okay," Kensi replied, taking a determined deep breath and meeting his eyes so he could see she was telling the truth. "We'd better get back down there."

Deeks followed her back down below deck and Kensi stepped next to Cody, determined not to allow another moment of hesitancy and emotion to derail her.

"Paramedics are on the scene. They have Griffin stabilized but he's unconscious and on the way to the hospital. It looks like he's going to need surgery. Callen's staying with him and Sam was doing a sweep of the neighborhood with the police. A neighbor reported a man running from the house shortly before Callen and Sam arrived and after the gunshots were fired. It was probably Griffin's partner," Cody reported.

Kensi nodded, even as something inside her wanted to object to the word "partner." The meaning seemed impossibly different than how she associated the word with Deeks. And it had to stay as vastly separated as she could keep it in her mind.

"And the victim?" Deeks asked.

Cody shook his head regretfully. "He didn't make it. His name was Lieutenant General Keith Hendricks. The car in the driveway is registered in his name, though he's from Sacramento. That's why we couldn't find him in the VA database. He lives more than 100 miles away."

Puzzled, Kensi thought through the list of all the places the murders had occurred. "What does that mean?"

"According to the homeowner, a friend of Hendricks' who arrived after the police, Hendricks spontaneously took this impromptu trip to visit for the weekend. What it probably means is that the other killer, Griffin's partner, followed Hendricks from Sacramento to San Francisco with the express purpose of killing him," Cody replied evenly.

"So that makes this guy—"

"A total psycho, yes," Cody confirmed Deeks' question.

"The guy Kensi saw on the beach this morning? Anything on identifying him?" Deeks pressed. On the laptop screen, Eric shook his head.

"He avoided cameras leaving town, and there are too many routes he could have taken to get a vehicle ID. But technically there would have been enough time between when Kensi saw the guy with Griffin this morning on the beach for him to drive to Sacramento, then follow Hendricks to Daly City," Eric confirmed.

With that dead end, Deeks and Cody practically sighed in unison. Kensi thought about what she'd seen from Callen's camera, thought about the setup up the room, of where Hendricks had been laying on the floor and of how Griffin had been leaning over him.

"So what was Justin doing there? And who shot him?" Kensi asked.

"Serial killers can work in pairs, right? We've thought from the previous murders that they tag teamed, each taking a turn with the murders, but maybe in some cases they've both been there. And maybe Justin was there to help and had a change of heart?" Deeks wondered.

"A change of heart could explain how Justin Griffin was injured."

In Half Moon Bay, the three agents turned from their discussion towards the laptop screen allowing quick and welcoming smiles for Nate, who had entered OSP in Los Angeles while they'd been talking.

Accepting their greetings with a smile, but quickly turning to business, Nate elaborated, his tone instantly soothingly logical. "It's likely that if Griffin is working with someone that one of them is the more dominant personality in the relationship. From his profile, it doesn't seem like Griffin is the alpha partner. And if Griffin was feeling remorse over his role in these killings and tried to go against his partner it wouldn't likely be accepted by someone who fits the violence and premeditation of many of the murders."

"Meaning his partner might have been the one to shoot him," Deeks concluded grimly. Nate nodded once.

"Did Callen and Sam check to see if the Lieutenant General served in the GWOT and had a coin?"

"He did serve in that campaign. He lives alone in Sacramento and the police are searching his house for any evidence. The first thing I had them look for was his coin. And it was still on his mantel," Cody confirmed.

Nate exhaled slowly, worry knitting his eyebrows together. "The killer didn't manage to procure his usual trophy. That could be a problem."

"How so?"

Turning in a circle and pacing slowly, Nate rubbed a hand over his jaw, another telltale sign that he was concerned. "From what we do know about this killer, Griffin's partner, he utilizes almost any method for carrying out these murders. Some murders seem to have taken great planning, others appear spontaneous. But there's definitely a routine at work here. Otherwise he wouldn't have chosen such specifically ranked Marines. The planning implies extreme premeditation and that implies a certain amount of psychosis. Aside from the ranks of the men the only other link that we know of is the coins. Collecting them is probably an important way for him to feel as though he has completed the job."

"'The job' being that he kills people," Deeks said wryly. Nate nodded.

"As strange as it seems, he probably does see this like a job. Since the victims appear random and because there doesn't appear to be a personal connection, the killer likely does see this as something he must do. If he's military like Griffin then he may even see it as an assignment or his duty. Or some kind of personal mission."

"We need Griffin to wake up so Sam and Callen can question him," Cody replied, clearly agitated at having to wait.

"It's not just that," Nate hedged, hesitating a moment before he continued. "If Griffin did go against his partner the other man is likely to see that as a betrayal. And if he's unsettled by not being able to collect his normal trophy he may be even more unpredictable. And he may see Griffin as a threat that needs to be eliminated."

Alarmed, Kensi's eyes widened. "Then we need to protect Justin. We need to make sure he's okay."

Eric interrupted, holding his finger to his ear and he reported. "Sam's going to join Callen at the hospital. The police are broadening their search, but in such an urban area and with how much time has passed the other man could be outside the city by now."

In the background of OSP, Hetty had been talking on the phone. She hung up, turning back to the group.

"I've asked the NCIS field office in San Francisco to back Mr. Callen and Mr. Hanna up at the hospital. A full contingent of agents will join them within the hour."

"What about the rest of us? Where does that leave us?" Kensi asked briskly, restless to do something rather than sit and wait.

All eyes turned to the image of Hetty on the screen, waiting for the command from their leader that would put them into action. Hetty didn't disappoint, turning to her agents in turn.

"Mr. Keppinger, you will join Mr. Hanna and Mr. Callen at the hospital. Stay out of sight, Mr. Keppinger. Griffin knows who you are and we don't want to needlessly throw away a perfectly good alias. Mr. Deeks, Ms. Blye, I want you to be ready to follow whatever leads Mr. Beale and Ms. Jones are able to uncover in the search for Griffin's mystery party."

"Come on, Hetty. We're on standby?" Deeks protested. Kensi had opened her mouth to agree with Deeks' objection, but Hetty cut her off.

"We cannot anticipate whether or not your aliases will still be required for this assignment—"

"Griffin is shot. He knows NCIS has him. I think the cat's out of the bag."

"Mr. Deeks—" Hetty's voice held a touch of irritated warning. Deeks sighed and nodded.

"I know, I know," Deeks conceded, knowing he wouldn't get any further arguing with Hetty. She had her reasons for her decisions. Even if none of them fully understood them right then.

Their orders in place, the team signed off and went their separate ways. Eric promised to check in with Kensi and Deeks in an hour to let them know if he had any leads for them to follow. Deeks decided to keep working on sorting through Griffin's computer data and Kensi walked with Cody to his car parked in the marina parking lot. Cody stowed his gear and weapon safely in the car and leaned in to give Kensi a quick hug before getting in the vehicle.

He rolled down the window as he started the engine, giving her a knowing look. "I'll look out for the guys, Kensi. Don't worry."

"Let them look out for you, too," Kensi urged, a part of her not liking the idea of Cody going off on his own, even while she knew it was illogical. He would be joining Callen and Sam soon. And Cody was a Special Forces career Marine. He could more than look after himself. But logic didn't factor in when it was her brother.

Watching Cody pull out of the parking lot, Kensi was about to turn back to the boat when she caught sight of a restaurant sign lighting up. The restaurant was along the bay, the lights of the sign and outdoor area a bright beacon as the sun was setting and the sky dimming. Squinting, Kensi made out the logo of the Half Moon Bay Brewery, remembering back to earlier in the week and the crab cakes Deeks had brought her. Texting Deeks a message that she was going to go pick up dinner for them, Kensi made her way along the shoreline to the restaurant, passing through the outdoor dining area and approaching the hostess podium. Finding she could order takeout from the bar, Kensi placed an order, and then wandered towards the front of the restaurant to wait.

Glancing over the many photos of surfers and other memorabilia adorning the walls of the restaurant, Kensi almost didn't notice the girl sitting behind the glass counter of pint glasses, t-shirts, and hats with the brewery logo. It only took a second for Kensi to remember that this was probably the girl Deeks had mentioned meeting before. Hailey.

The girl looked up from where she'd been building a small, rickety tower out of key chains in the shape of surfboards and caught Kensi staring at her. Grimacing guilty, she shoved the key chains aside and turned to Kensi.

"Can I help you with something?"

Kensi smiled gently, trying to put her at ease. "No thanks, I'm just waiting for my food."

Something about the awkward smile the girl gave her, full of apprehensive awareness, had Kensi wanting to draw her out. Kensi allowed a casual glance towards the girl's arm, noticing the bruise marring her upper arm.

"My name is Angela. I'm new in town, but I hear the food here is amazing."

Nodding eagerly, the girl smiled a little, some of the wariness leaving her eyes. "I'm Hailey. And the crab cakes are so good. Our chef, Alice, she's the best in town."

Kensi had to smile at Hailey's proud voice, so assured for someone so young. Although Kensi had disarmed her a little, Hailey continued to nervously fumble with the key chains and Kensi nodded toward them. "Do you surf? I hear the waves here are pretty amazing."

Hailey shook her head sadly. "No, my mom won't let me learn. Definitely not here. Mavericks can be really dangerous."

"But not always, right?" Kensi pressed.

"Yeah, usually just in the winter. But she won't let me learn on the safer beaches here either," Hailey glanced wistfully out the window towards the horizon of ocean and sky. "I'd love to learn how to surf."

"I never thought it was something I would do. But my husband taught me a few years ago."

It had been another undercover assignment, now more than three years earlier. It seemed almost like a lifetime ago. So much about her life, and Deeks' life, had changed. So much that brought them to where they were now.

Hailey smiled shyly, and Kensi felt a stirring of something familiar in the young girl's face. Unable to place it, Kensi tilted her head as Hailey spoke to her. "That's really sweet. He sounds really nice. And he must be really patient."

Kensi laughed then, the adjective of "patient" not one often associated with Deeks. "Hardly. He has to eat from the bottom of the Cracker Jacks box so he can get to the prize before eating all the popcorn and peanuts."

"Doesn't everybody do that?" Hailey grinned and her smile widened, her brown eyes lighting up with shared humor.

Kensi's smile froze and her laughter immediately faded as she stared at Hailey's face, the smile there so achingly familiar that Kensi felt her heart nearly stall and her breath hitch with shock but absolute certainty. Kensi couldn't understand or explain how a teenage girl wore the smile of the man she loved. But looking at Hailey, her lips turned up in Deeks' carefree smile, Kensi couldn't ignore the obvious.

Deeks had family he didn't know about.

* * *

Unable to ignore the growl of his stomach any longer and realizing Kensi was taking longer than he'd expected, Deeks wandered over to the brewery, pausing at the vacant hostess podium to look around and try to spot Kensi through the crowd. He thought he saw her over by the souvenir stand, which he remembered was Hailey's domain, and considered walking over there. But he thought back to that afternoon, and how he'd managed to make Hailey nervous and withdrawn, and thought better of it.

Pulling out his phone, he began a text to Kensi to let her know he was there, when a female voice from behind him had him turning without looking up.

"Can I get you a table, hon?"

About to lift his head from looking at his phone to decline, the words were forming on his lips when the quiet gasp from the woman set off a curious warning bell in his head.

Later he would wonder how he hadn't recognized her voice, or how he hadn't connected the pieces sooner. Later he would kick himself for the wasted time and the questions that had haunted him his whole adult life. Later he would wonder how he'd ever thought it possible that he might have forgotten how she looked.

Later there would be time for reflection. But instead, for the seconds that stretched on and passed what felt like infinity, time seemed to freeze. It might even have gone backward. The woman in front of him was as familiar to him as if almost twenty years hadn't gone by. And by the look on her face, stunned blue eyes exactly like his staring at him in disbelief, she was as surprised to see him as he was her.

"Marty."

Deeks swallowed thickly, the word that sprang forward in response lodged in his throat. One part of him longed to say it, forget the past, and wish for shattered memories to be whole. And one part of him ruthlessly objected to the thought of the word, the connotations it held, the way the emotions associated with it were bitter and angry.

In the end, he couldn't deny who she was. Even as he warred internally, the truth won out.

"Mom."

* * *

_To be continued_


	21. Chapter 21

**Note: **Wow, the response to the last chapter pretty much blew me away. I'm glad to hear it resonated. And since I have the next chapter and then I don't have to make you wait too long after a cliffhanger, here's the next nice long chapter to shed a little more light on the situation with Deeks' mom and sister (yes, Hailey is his sister). Thanks for your reviews, encouragement, alerts, and favorites. I have the best beta, **MioneAlterEgo** who keeps me well in line. If you feel inclined to review, thanks for taking the time. And thanks for reading!

* * *

"You can't be here."

Deeks blurted the words out unthinkingly, despite the contrary evidence before him. Even with nearly twenty years gone by, he was positive the woman in front of him was his mother. And if he'd needed any confirmation, it came in the way the woman stared at his face in recognizing disbelief. After convincing himself that the woman he'd seen a few days before couldn't be his mother, he thought he'd prepared himself for the prospect of finding her again. He'd started the electronic search that would eventually locate her. But he'd set that eventuality aside, thinking there was no way that search would come to fruition so quickly. And he'd focused back on their case, putting his emotionally tangled past in the background to be dealt with on another day.

He shouldn't have been surprised that his complacency was coming around to knock the wind out of him now. Just when he thought he had it all figured out, that everything was within his control and under his own time frame, fate was bound and determined to teach him the futility of making plans.

His mother startled at his words, a veil of hurt passing over her surprised eyes. With several decades to reflect and more than enough experience with manipulation, Deeks felt a tremor of awareness watching the carefully measured emotions play over his mother's face.

His memories of her as a small woman, long blonde hair and big blues eyes just like his, were easy to reconcile with the woman in front of him. He remembered her as delicate, with small hands and a sad smile that reached her eyes. Her smile might have been like his, except for the air of resigned disappointment. When he was a kid he'd wanted nothing more than to make that unhappiness disappear from her face. It was one of the reasons he'd learned to find ways to make people laugh, even at his own expense. He'd never quite succeeded in making his mother happy, even as he'd tried and tried, and occasionally fooled himself into thinking he had. At the time he'd thought it was his fault that he couldn't quite make her happy, couldn't be enough for her. She'd still left but he'd never quite shaken the impulse to try and bring humor to his relationships with people. It was a defense mechanism born out of an odd need to please.

She was still a beautiful woman, with gray streaks in her long hair, and a kind of deceptive softness to her that could make someone immediately protective of her. She gave off the aura of someone that needed to be taken care of, someone with a lack of internal strength and fire. Deeks felt the impulse to protect, buried deep from his teenage years. It was practically a biological imperative to protect the weak. But he also saw it from behind the lens of the man he was, and his ability to see behind the facades that people put on to the rest of the world.

Deeks allowed a quick glance over her from her nametag, which read "Brenda," to the apron and comfortable shoes she wore. He quickly concluded that she worked at the brewery as a waitress and he idly wondered how long she'd lived in Half Moon Bay. In her fifties, she could have easily been mistaken for a decade younger.

"I can't believe you're here. It's been so long."

Ignoring the tremulous smile she offered him, Deeks tried to contain the bubbling anger he felt rising in his chest. It still came out in his voice, a harsh bark and clipped words.

"Since you walked out on me in Los Angeles? Yeah, it has been awhile. Almost twenty years."

Brenda flattened her palm over her chest, looking hurt. "I have always regretted how we left things. And I've wanted to find you for so long."

"I haven't gone far. I've been in Los Angeles this whole time," Deeks replied, recognizing how his mother sidestepped the direct confrontation over how she'd left him behind. "You didn't exactly leave me a way of getting in touch with you."

"I told you why I had to leave. After everything that happened, it was just too painful to stay there, to see the man I'd lost in your face," Brenda replied, lifting her trembling chin as her eyes filled with tears. The blame was indirectly worded, but Deeks felt the blow aimed straight at him.

The sharp jab of pain in his heart was nearly physical. She'd said hurtful words to him as a teenager, that he looked like his father and that she blamed him for his father being taken away. She'd ignored the abuse his father had doled out on them both and had blamed her eleven year-old son for protecting her and taking away the man she depended on. As a teenager he hadn't had the reason or ability to see the displaced blame. At seventeen there had just been hurt in the aftermath of his words. But now, he felt oddly incredulous. A grown woman, making her own child take the indirect fault for fighting back against the abuse served up by her husband.

Just as quickly, the tears and hurt tenor of her words and justification of her actions were tucked away and Brenda offered him a smile. "But we've found each other now. What's done is done. I don't want to talk about the past."

Deeks shook his head, the realization trickling in that the answers and explanations his mother might give him about why she'd left were probably never going to satisfy him. The father he'd known had turned into a poor example of a parent and as a teenager he'd attached all his hopes and aspirations of parental love and affection on his mother. But every single one of his idyllic memories of his mother was quickly becoming suspect. He wondered at how much of what he thought he knew when it came to her was fiction.

"What are you doing here? How could you come back to this town after what he did to you here?" Deeks asked incredulously.

"I don't want to talk about the past," Brenda repeated, her voice rising in angry resistance. As if she was catching herself a beat too late, she quieted and glanced away with a sigh before turning back to him. The irritation faded quickly and after a pause she adopted a seemingly friendly expression of curiosity. "I want to hear about your life and what you've been up to."

He'd seen the calculation in her eyes before. He'd seen it staring back at him in the mirror when he took on an alias that required him to bury who he truly was deep down. He'd seen it in Max Gentry's eyes.

For so long he'd thought of Max Gentry as an unthinking shadow of his father. Cruelty wrapped up in dark violence. Gentry was an alias Deeks had barely had to invent, he'd shrugged on the persona in an easy and organic way that had always privately caused Deeks apprehension. But there had always been another side to Max, the part of the man who could twist emotions like love and loyalty and turn them into weak dependence. Max had the uncanny ability to find the vulnerabilities in people and exploit them without that person even realizing. Deeks had always thought that came from his father.

But looking at his mother, recognizing the carefully-arranged concerned smile and the just-a-second-too-late words, Deeks wondered if Max's innate manipulation might have intuitively come from an altogether different source. He'd had twenty years to reflect on his childhood but he'd never been able to see with such clarity, not without his mother there to blow away the haze over seemingly gentler childhood memories. The physical violence of Max was his father. But the sociopathy of Max had come from his mother.

Deeks felt an lifting calm settle over him. There was nothing his mother could say or do that would change the past. He wasn't going to get the reassuring answers he might have wanted from her. She wasn't his family in any sense of the word that mattered. And she would bring him nothing but hurt. Seeing that finally, after nearly twenty years of wondering and doubting, it felt like he could finally be free of memories that had followed him, dogged him at every turn. He could finally be free of her.

She might want something from him, whether it was sympathy or acceptance, but she wouldn't want condemnation. And Deeks had nothing to give her, nothing that she would accept or that he was willing to fake. He was about to open his mouth to rebuff his mother, to put an end to a charade he could see so clearly through and no longer wanted to be a part of, when Kensi rushed up to him from the dining area of the brewery. Deeks met her eyes quickly, immediately concerned at how wide they were, and the way she was clearly short of breath.

Kensi quickly glanced at his mother, and as her gaze strayed back to him, she jerked her head back again to his mother, then questioningly at him. With the inevitability of the situation in front of him, as much as he would have preferred never to have to introduce Kensi to his mother, Deeks gestured between the two women.

"This is my fiancée, Kensi. Kensi, this is my mother, Brenda—" Deeks paused, suddenly unsure of her last name.

"Neal. Brenda Neal."

Kensi blinked at his use of her real name, though Deeks considered the risk of their cover having been completely blown as low. Although Half Moon Bay was a relatively small town, his mother was only one person. He couldn't change the fact that she'd recognized him. And chances were that once Justin Griffin was out of surgery and woke up that their undercover assignment was probably over. Their time in town was probably only for a short while longer. And the idea of putting distance between himself and the town full of painful childhood memories, and now the home of a mother he didn't feel the need to know further, was massively appealing.

Managing something of a greeting, Kensi's eyes swept wildly from his mother to him, then glanced worriedly back towards the restaurant from where she'd come. Deeks' eyes narrowed at how distracted she seemed, unlike what he would have expected given the situation. Kensi gave Deeks an apologetic glance and perplexed, Deeks cocked his head questioningly to the side. Instead of trying to maintain even an attempt at a polite conversation, Kensi looked away from him and fixed her sharp eyes on Brenda.

"Hailey. Is she your daughter?"

Deeks startled at Kensi's blunt question, his previously calm thoughts about easy closure with his mother shattering with those five words. His mind spun wildly, objecting to the idea even as he wondered if it might be true.

Brenda nodded slowly, a little put off by Kensi's direct question. "Yes, Hailey is my daughter."

"So she's my sister, too?" Deeks asked quietly, unable to keep the hope from his voice. Brenda's eyes narrowed and she hesitated before nodding once.

"She's your half-sister. Her father was a man named Ian Parker. I met him after your father—" Brenda paused, clearing her throat at memories that pained her. "After your father was killed in that terrible car wreck. Ian left before she was born."

Deeks thought back quickly to his conversations with Hailey, to how she'd talked about her stepfather. To the bruises on her arm and to her dejected smile when he'd tried to compliment her artwork. And Deeks experienced a swell of anger so strong, so instinctively protective, that he barely felt Kensi's hand on his arm. But he did register the press of her fingers, of her silent insistence that he look at her. In her calm gaze he saw her urge him to be careful, to think before he spoke. She knew where his mind had instantly gone, to the unspoken hurt he'd witnessed in a young girl but that he'd previously felt powerless to stop. She'd known because her mind had gone there too. And even though the impulse was there to turn towards rage, he took a deep breath and spoke evenly to his mother.

"You married again? You have a different last name."

"Yes, my husband Bill is fisherman. He's a good man," Brenda said brightly, her expression showing that she truly believed her words. He didn't have all the details, but based on Hailey's reactions and the physical evidence on her body, Deeks was certain Bill Neal was not a good man. Deeks felt the surge of disbelief, realizing that his mother had levels of delusion he couldn't possibly comprehend.

Before he could continue the conversation with his mother she was called away to pick up food for one of her tables. Kensi circled his elbow with her hand and steered him into the restaurant, weaving through the patrons waiting for a table. Kensi found a quiet corner in the bar, within view of where Hailey sat at the glass souvenir counter, focused on a drawing she was sketching.

Deeks couldn't take his eyes off her. His sister. The tangle of emotions rolling through him was more than he could process, more than he could even try to make sense of in that moment. He'd had the comfort of family in Kensi, their NCIS family, and the Keppingers who had adopted him as one of their own, but he'd never really expected the connection of biological family from his past. He'd hoped for eventually having children with Kensi, but a sibling had never been something he'd thought he would have.

And Hailey was nothing like what he would have imagined. She was so young, young enough to be his daughter. She'd escaped the hell of the childhood he'd grown up with thanks to his father, but now, having met his mother again, he wondered what she different kind of hell she'd gone through. And thinking of the bruises, Deeks knew it wasn't the kind of childhood any kid should have. It tore at him to think that his sister was enduring a mirrored upbringing to his. And he had no doubt that their mother was the cause. Her choices and her selfishness. Without factoring in anything else it was the one unifying element between them.

Kensi grasped his hand tightly, forcing him to look at her. He nodded towards Hailey, instantly curious. "How did you know? I've talked to her and I didn't see it. How could I have not seen it?"

Reaching up, Kensi cupped his jaw with her free hand, her thumb brushing once over his lips. She smiled at him gently, the answer in her eyes full of love. "She has your smile. That tipped me off."

"Really?" Deeks asked hopefully, feeling the urge for the genetic connection Kensi seemed to see. It was the strangest feeling, to suddenly want something so badly that even minutes before hadn't even been a remote possibility.

Kensi nodded, then her smile turned teasing. "Then I noticed she has the same messy, sun streaked, windblown hair you do. Just a little longer. And she doesn't seem to know how to use a brush just like you don't know how to use a comb."

Deeks chuckled, his eyes locking back on Hailey as if she possessed some kind of magnetic or planetary pull, reeling in his desperate interest. The pain in his chest from before, brought on by his mother's thoughtless words, eased into something warmer and hopeful.

"I have a sister," Deeks whispered, tearing his gaze from Hailey to meet Kensi's eyes. Kensi nodded, her happiness for him brightening her face with a smile, and her fingers tightened against his.

"And you found your mother again," Kensi replied softly, though the shift in her eyes seemed more uncertain as she tried to gauge his thoughts.

"Yeah, well, it wasn't quite the homecoming I thought it might be," Deeks said dryly. At Kensi's curious look, he shrugged. "Let's just say that within a few minutes of seeing her again and I realized my memories of her were pretty much faulty in every way. And that I'd be more than happy to never see her or this town ever again. I think this is what closure feels like."

Deeks paused, his earlier feeling of being free shifted to the side. Even if he might have been able to turn his back on his mother, his sister put a new spin on his previous convictions. She didn't have the weight of his past and she didn't deserve the emotional distance he felt for his mother. And what was more, she needed him. Even if she didn't see it right then.

"What do you want to do?" Kensi asked quietly, understanding that the evidence of the abuse he'd noted on Hailey before had taken on a whole new meaning. Before, Hailey had been an unfortunate kid in a bad situation and he'd been concerned but unable to do anything. Now, he was a brother who felt he had more than a responsibility to help his sister.

"I want to go over there and tell her who I am, and that I'm going to get her away from the people who have hurt her," Deeks paused, resisting the urge to do exactly what he'd said. "But I talked to her this afternoon and when I tried to help she resisted. I don't think it's going to be that easy for her to see how our mother emotionally manipulates her."

"And she only knows you as Chris Coleman," Kensi pointed out, to which Deeks grimaced.

"Yeah, I don't think that lie is going to win me any points," Deeks admitted.

"So we need a plan," Kensi surmised, her determination straightening her spine. His mind swirling wildly, Kensi's words pierced through and caused him to stop and stare at her in wonder. Wordlessly he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek, his lips brushing her cheekbone before turning to nuzzle her ear.

"Thank you, Kens. For being here," Deeks whispered into her ear. Kensi's arm looped under his and around his waist, tightening to anchor him against her as the only response she gave him. Of course she would be there. She would always be there.

After a few quiet moments, Deeks turned so he could see Hailey, still obliviously playing with the souvenir items at her post at the glass counter. The sounds of the bar around them, laughter, clinking glass and the hum of the Giants baseball game on the television overhead were interrupted by Kensi's phone, alerting them to a call.

Keeping her arm on Deeks' waist, Kensi answered. Her silence lasted a few minutes and her affirmative murmur was her only response before she hung up.

"That was Callen. Justin is out of surgery. It wasn't nearly as bad as they thought and he may be released as early as tomorrow morning. Callen and Sam are going to wait for him to wake up and see if they can question him. Callen wants us to go and question Justin's doctor from the VA in San Francisco, see if there's anything new he can tell us."

Deeks sighed, knowing it meant he would have to leave unfinished business with his mother and sister in Half Moon Bay.

"We can go tonight, question the doctor, and be back late tonight. You can talk to them tomorrow. And maybe then you'll be able to talk to Hailey about who you really are," Kensi suggested quietly.

He nodded, knowing one night wouldn't make a big difference. "There's just one thing I want to do before we leave town."

Once he told her, Kensi agreed readily enough, though the slant of her eyebrows, knit together wordlessly, told him that she was concerned. Kensi picked up their dinner order and left to retrieve the car from the marina parking lot, as well as their weapons and NCIS IDs from where they'd been stowed on Cody's boat. Meanwhile, Deeks went in search of his mother, finding her cashing out a dinner ticket. Brenda gave him a wary smile, caution thinning her lips.

"Listen, I have to leave," Deeks said abruptly, not wanting to explain the intricacies of his job. "But I'd like to stop by and see you and Hailey tomorrow. Is that okay?"

He hated asking. The words grated at him. He wanted to demand, wanted to solve the very easy problem of his sister in a bad situation with the very easy answer of getting her the hell out of there. But he had to be careful. As much as his impulse was to alter a wrong he very much felt it was within his power to fix, Hailey wasn't his responsibility. Not yet.

"That would be nice," Brenda said, clearly relieved that he wasn't prying into the past more. She gave him an address and he nodded a curt farewell. He couldn't help but wander back towards where Hailey sat and, out of sight, he watched her from around the corner, pained at being unable to even go talk to her right then. Tomorrow things would change.

Wordlessly, Deeks left the brewery and got in Kensi's car and she drove a few miles inland, pulling into the parking lot of the police station. Although he didn't ask her to, Kensi followed him close behind as they entered and approached the officer on duty. Deeks held up his badge, seeing from the corner of his eye as Kensi did the same.

"I'm Marty Deeks, federal agent with NCIS. This is my partner, Agent Kensi Blye. I need to ask you for copies of any arrest records, domestic violence calls, or reports of disturbance relating to Brenda Neal, William Neal, Hailey Parker, or at 412 San Berillo Street."

The officer verified their badges, then asked them to wait as he disappeared back towards the station files. Kensi took a seat on one of the plastic chairs, folding her arms over her chest and sitting patiently. Deeks wished for the same calm. He circled the waiting area, glancing over the various flyers and postings that begged for help locating a missing animal and advertised AA meeting locations. His gaze drifted aimlessly until it caught on a flyer advocating for help in the event of domestic and familial abuse.

"Agent Deeks, Agent Blye?"

Deeks turned at the voice, approaching a young Hispanic woman as Kensi stood and joined him. The woman held out her hand to shake theirs, a thick stack of files tucked under her arm.

"I'm Detective Maya Lopez. The duty officer mentioned you were asking about Brenda and Bill Neal and Hailey Parker. May I ask why?"

Lopez was cautious, but not defensive. Considering they were on her turf, territorial posturing wouldn't have been unheard of. Deeks thought for a minute about trying to blow some smoke at her about a case, or about national security in a demand to get the files and run. But Deeks pushed aside his haste, reasoning that as a detective himself he would have appreciated the truth rather than obvious bullshit. An aside look at Kensi and her quick nod told him she would go along with whatever story he spun, the truth or a lie.

"It's a personal matter. Brenda Neal is my mother. Hailey is my sister. I only recently learned they were living here. I suspect Hailey has been abused and although I haven't seen my mother in almost twenty years, I don't think she's doing much to keep Hailey from harm. And I wanted to see if my suspicions were right before I charge into the situation," Deeks said bluntly, watching as Lopez's eyes widened and she tilted her head to the side. He allowed a glance at Kensi, seeing her smile of approval.

"Thank you for being straight with me. I have the files you requested and I'm happy to hand them over if it means a family member may get involved to try and remove Hailey from that household," Lopez handed Deeks the files, allowing him to open the first one to see a call sheet of over half a dozen calls to the address on San Berillo Street.

"Bill Neal is a two time domestic abuse repeater. He's been to prison twice already for nearly killing his first wife and a previous girlfriend. Near as we can tell he and Brenda were married a few years ago and the pattern quieted for a while. But then the calls started to come in from Brenda. She always dropped the charges and we had no choice but to let him go," Lopez said, shaking her head.

"Didn't anyone try to urge her to get away from him?" Kensi asked.

"The arresting officers always did. It's all on the reports. I got assigned after the third dropped charge. I tried to counsel Brenda about her options, but she always refused. Her main argument was that since California is a three strikes state that he might go to prison indefinitely. His previous convictions were for felony battery, though I don't think we could have gotten him on that against Brenda. But we might have had enough to get her and Hailey away from him. She refused all help."

"What about talking to Hailey?" Kensi ventured as Deeks continued to flip through the file.

"She's underage, so we couldn't speak to her without her mother present. And her mother kept Hailey pretty quiet. It's a real shame; she's a very bright child. But it's clear she's very attached to her mother and very protective of her," Lopez sighed. "Even though there hasn't been much I could do, I've kept an eye on the case. I keep waiting for Bill Neal to slip up, but he's careful now. And Brenda and Hailey are both mindful to hide whatever harm he may be doing to them."

Deeks felt his blood practically boil at the history Lopez painted, feeling the painful echo of his past, and the countless cases just like it that he'd witnessed as a cop. Feeling Kensi's body brush against his, he turned the file so she could see the written reports that detailed the physical abuse his mother had endured and continued to allow. The one saving grace was that there didn't appear to be abuse noted on Hailey in the reports. But knowing the bruises he and Kensi had both seen on her arms, it looked like the situation might be changing. He met Kensi's eyes and saw the answering determination as she nodded in silent agreement to the plan that had already begun forming in his mind. He closed the files with a snap, taking a deep breath before he met Lopez's sympathetic eyes.

"I'm going to do what I can to get them both some help. But my first priority is my sister. If Brenda refuses, I'm going to get Hailey out of that situation."

Lopez smiled gratefully. "I'm glad to hear it. If I can help, please give me a call." She handed Deeks her card, then hesitated before she finally spoke again. "Be careful of Bill Neal. He's a mean bastard but he knows how to hide it."

Grinning, Deeks hitched a shoulder in Kensi's direction. "Thanks for the tip, but I've got my backup right here."

Sobering, Deeks flipped to the page that showed Bill Neal's mug shot. He could see the calculated coldness barely covering up the resentment in the man's eyes, and Deeks marveled at how his mother had fallen into a familiar and deadly behavior of picking the same kind of man. But while Brenda might be beyond help, there was no way he was going to allow the pattern to continue with Hailey.

"We'd better get going," Kensi nudged him in the side, reminding him that it was getting late in the evening and they still had to travel to San Francisco to question Justin Griffin's doctor. Thanking the detective again, Deeks followed Kensi to the car, continuing to review the files as Kensi drove.

Part way there, Kensi reached across the seat for his hand, lacing her fingers with his and glancing at him briefly before turning her eyes back to the road. "We're going to figure this thing out with your mother and Hailey. Together."

Her fierce determination nearly undid him. He'd kept the careening emotions at bay since seeing his mother again, and since learning he had a sister. But then it was nearly impossible to ignore the stinging in his eyes so he merely nodded, allowing his chin to nearly bump against his chest as he stared at the file in his lap. Figuring out what to do would be hard. But Kensi's conviction grounded him and reminded him that it would be possible.

It was a quick trip, over in less than thirty minutes, and by the end of the drive Deeks had read more than enough to solidify his resolve that getting Hailey away from his mother and her husband was the right thing to do. Although it was difficult, he put the desire to help his sister aside to concentrate on their murder case. Pulling up to a house in suburban Burlingame, Kensi flipped through the file on her phone.

"Doctor Gary Collins has been Justin's doctor for the past year. Justin has only actually seen him twice for a full evaluation. He's prescribed the same antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications," Kensi shook her head angrily. "No notes on if he's even considered trying to wean Justin off these high doses or considered alternate therapy."

"Kens, you know that programs for veterans are pretty strapped for cash. He may just be doing the best he can. Let's go see what he has to say, and if he can shed any light on Justin's situation."

Kensi's lips tightened and Deeks could tell she wanted to find fault in his calm logic. But just as she could remain calm while he barely held it together when it came to his sister and mother, he could do the same when it came to Justin's status as a PTSD survivor. They brought balance to each other.

Doctor Collins was puzzled to see them at his door on a Saturday night, but allowed them indoors to his living room. When they mentioned Justin's name, the doctor had to think for several moments to narrow down which patient he was. Kensi bit her tongue even as she wanted to berate the doctor. When Deeks held up a picture of Justin, the doctor nodded in recognition.

"That's right, yes, I do know him. He is one of my patients, I saw him a few months ago. What's this about?"

"He's a suspect in an ongoing NCIS case," Deeks said. "Anything you can tell us about his condition, treatments, or anything he's mentioned about people he keeps in contact with, or enemies he may have?"

Collins shook his head apologetically. "He's a pretty classic PTSD case. I've recommended some group therapy but he's been pretty resistant to that. I think he might benefit from exposure therapy, which is what his doctor from when he was initially discharged prescribed, but virtual reality and hypnosis therapy is very difficult to get VA approval for."

Kensi felt her anger fade a little at the doctor's words. Looking at him closer, she realized he was still wearing his ID from the office, a sign that he'd been working on a weekend and had only recently come home. He wore a wrinkled shirt and there were tired creases under his eyes. And as she glanced around the room and saw the stacks of patient files littering the tables, she realized this was the opposite of a doctor who didn't care.

"How many patients do you have?" Kensi asked quietly. Collins looked to her and answered immediately.

"I have 847 active patients. I'm booked solid six months out. I see about twenty patients daily. And I still don't see them all as often as I should."

Hearing his regretful tone, Kensi was quick to reassure him. "You're doing everything you can."

Surprised, Collins nodded to her. "Thank you. I wish I could do more. And I wish I could tell you more about Justin's case. From our visits he seemed to be doing okay. His meds keep him balanced and though I'd like to see him getting better opportunities for therapy, but there isn't much chance for that. We've only had a few thirty minute sessions and he never opened up to me about anybody in his life, friends or enemies. Is he alright?"

"He's in the hospital and is suspected on involvement in a series of murders," Deeks relayed, watching as the doctor leaned back in his chair, shock making his face go slack.

"Murder? Wow, I would never have guessed that. I know Justin went through a lot during his time served. You've read his file, so you know. He lost his best friend, his unit's Navy Corpsman, during combat. But Justin also had a pretty solid moral foundation. Everything in his file indicated his loyalty to the Marines, especially in light of how his friend died trying to protect him."

Kensi sat thoughtfully, considering Collins' words. "Would that loyalty cause him to take extreme action if he thought there was some kind of injustice that needed righting?"

Collins nodded slowly. "I suppose it could. And the ideas about what is right and wrong can become very turned around for PTSD survivors. They often stop trusting themselves. And they need people in their lives to support them."

"And what might happen if that support came from someone trying to take advantage of his psychological state?" Deeks asked. Collins held up his hands in uncertainty.

"I don't know, to be honest. It would depend on the person. In Justin's case he didn't seem to trust easily. I don't blame him for not trusting me; we only spent about an hour together over the last year. But if there was someone he trusted, someone he spent more time with, going back a couple of years, he would likely be heavily influenced by them."

Kensi nodded, processing the words even as they brought no immediate answer. With no further questions to ask, Kensi and Deeks thanked the doctor and returned to their car. Kensi called Callen to report out on their progress, and then turned back to Deeks where he was next to her, leaning against the car.

"Justin is still unconscious. He's probably going to be out until tomorrow. Callen said to head back to Half Moon Bay and we'll check in tomorrow," Kensi paused, then fixed Deeks with a pointed look. "Marty, I think you need to fill Hetty in on the development with your mother."

Deeks grimaced and conceded agreement with a nod. "Yeah, you're probably right. I just don't want to think about what she'll say."

"She'll support you," Kensi said simply. "How many times has she backed us all up? She's not going to turn on you now. None of us will."

"I know," Deeks said softly. "I just don't know what this is going to mean. For my job. For us, for our future."

Kensi heard the silent implications in his words. And she'd wondered when they would come back around to the subject of their future, of their partnership, and how the latest revelations about Deeks' family might change everything. Having a younger sister to consider and possibly care for naturally made Deeks question if he should be in a job that put his life in danger.

"We'll figure it out. Maybe not right now," Kensi said, knowing neither of them wanted to ignore their looming future, but also knowing they didn't have enough information to make any decisions. "One step at a time."

Kensi smiled then, dangling the car keys in front of his face. "You want to drive back? I'll even let you pick the music."

Deeks looked at her gratefully, no words needed to accept her unflagging and ready support. He pushed his weight off the car, snagging the keys from Kensi's hands.

"You are so going to regret making that offer," Deeks called to Kensi as she laughed and teasingly rolled her eyes from the passenger's side of the car. Her expression turned warm and affectionate as she leaned across the console, kissing him full on the mouth in a brief touch that just left him breathlessly wanting more. Kensi grinned as she leaned back and he couldn't resist moving towards her for another kiss before she pushed him back slightly, her lips slanting on his and her words murmured against his mouth.

"I regret nothing."

* * *

_To be continued_


End file.
